Help I think I just realized I may have been incredibly in love with my aro/ace friend for 6 years

[Varksi]

Oh god. First off apologies if this is in the wrong place I wasn't sure if here or the relationships forum was better but in the end I thought here would be more accurate. If any moderators want it moved your wish is my command.

 

I mean the title more or less has the brunt of information. Largely I just don't know how to proceed if telling them is a good idea or not and I don't mean for this to come across as some sort of "woe is me this is affecting me so much" since it's incredibly likely it'll be harder on my friend or if nothing else our friendship and that just really sucks.

 

Basically I feel like I almost had the reverse problem that I've seen happen with some ace people in that I was so convinced that what I felt for them was wholly platonic that I genuinely thought I just uh, had a lot of crushes on a lot of people when in reality that was probably more platonic feelings than anything. I'm not saying I don't love this friend platonically, I do a whole lot and they're very important to me, I've just over the last week (and maybe to a lesser extent the last 5 or so years where I've by in large lived alone with my thoughts and feelings) had the realization that there is also a vast amount of romantic attraction there and  not knowing what to do just started eating at me. I'm aware enough to not have any delusions about "hoping they'll change their sexuality" or "maybe I'm different" because frankly while I acknowledge 1 in a billion chances are still chances it's completely unreasonable and disrespectful to lead with anything of the sort and I can say with a lot of confidence that neither are at all realistic. Also it's not like I think there's anything wrong with what I'm feeling it's not like I have really much control over who I am and am not attracted to this one just so happens to feel like a nat 1 and mulling over how to deal with it is nothing but misery incarnate.  If anyone is after any further information that they think might allow them to better impart wisdom I'm largely an open book (within reason) so feel free to ask for any pages held within.

 

Essentially I'm just hoping for a modicum of advice on what on earth I should do to proceed.

 

PS if the person this post is about is reading this: Hi! This is kinda awkward! I've come to the realization I've held some sort of romantic feelings for you for a fair while and the thought of losing you in my life is admittedly something I don't particularly like thinking about, however if that's the conclusion that is best for us I completely understand and accept it. Regardless though, thank you for everything you've done for me, I wouldn't be who I am without you and wish you nothing but joy.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

@Varksi Hi and welcome.

Feelings can happen like that. It's nice that you've resolved yourself to share your feelings in case. I think you said quite a lot in it including how much the connection (friendship for now at least) means to you and you don't want to lose them. Honestly I think it's really good to be able to say that, and I hope that if you decide to share your feelings that you'll emphasize that, especially if you're prepared to stay at a platonic level with them. If they matter to you, are you able to see that happening? It doesn't have to be awkward between you too if you can respect how she is too.

If she's aro then she can't have the same feelings as you. That doesn't mean she doesn't really like you, but it will be platonic. Depending on what she's like, she could still like to have a close relationship, but if it's hard for you to maintain that because of your feelings, then it's worth doing some introspection and see what feels like the best for you, considering things (including how she is)

 

Friendship can carry a lot of feelings, but still if you would look for intimacy beyond what she's capable of offering, then it might be hard for you. What level of friendship she wants to be at, you do have to understand and respect. And I guess ask yourself what would be important to you and whether or not you can settle in a platonic way.

And also whether or not you want to share your feelings or not, but obviously it'd be good to settle your feelings before resolving to. imo.

 

❤️

[Varksi]

Honestly I'm almost certainly going to tell them at some point, I'm just trying to find out how "okay" I am with remaining platonic assuming they would be okay with staying friends. There's the added layer of them being a part of what is largely my only group of friends which isn't really much of a factor but it's something nonetheless. Largely I just don't know if after sort of realizing I've been harbouring these feelings for them for so long if I can still be emotionally available for that, like you said, trying to find intimacy elsewhere. I've only really dated one person while I've been the friend and it kind of pains me to admit thay part of the reason I broke up with that person is because I just preferred being around the other person so much more-even when I was under the impression it was entirely platonic. Like I'm not gonna get explicit and it wasn't like fantasy but I'd get distracted with just thinking like "huh i wonder if i could chat with them now" and it was moments similar to those where you'd think I'd put something together! Alas.