Help?

[Jjames]

My wife suspects she is asexual. I’m definitely sexual. We have been in couples therapy for the last 2 years which has been amazing. 

 

We have sex, sometimes multiple times a month. Which is great. But the thing that we have been discussing a lot recently is the ways we can free each other from the pressure of our mismatched sexuality. 

 

I want her to feel total freedom to not feel like she has to engage sexually if she doesn’t want to. I hate that she feels guilty and like she is letting me down. I know that she needs to just not engage in that side of our relationship sometimes, and I am (slowly) learning not to resent her for that. 

 

But what I am also realising is that it’s ok that I feel a bit crap that she doesn’t often want to engage with me. The amount of sex isn’t really the thing for me, but it’s the lack of communication and anticipation about our sensual selves that I find harder. I would love to be able to chat and plan and get excited about our sexual journey, but that is always just a pressure for her. I hate the idea of her feeling that pressure. But I also struggle to keep a lid on it sometimes. 

 

We are aware of the 4 choices we have. And so far compromise is where we are at. We are open to the possibility of opening things, but together rather than separately. She is worried that I would find someone who can fulfil my sexual side and that I will leave. Obviously I can’t say 100% because who knows. But I definitely don’t want that to happen. Every fibre of me wants to stay with her. But I am just struggling with this recent revelation of asexuality. I actually do t have a massive desire to shag around in all honesty. I’m also very up for her experiencing stuff with other people solo if she wants to. 

 

Bit of back story, we were pretty religious growing up and have only slept with each other. Both dealt with parental deaths as kids and so there’s some deep stuff going on there too.  And we communicate about all of this stuff really openly and honestly all the time. It’s amazing. But I guess I am just looking for any like minded people out there who might have some ideas. 

 

Thanks

[Fandom Fanatic]

So I, personally, am asexual. I cannot wrap my head around the fact that people have sexual needs and desires. But, you know what, I'm going to try to throw in my two cents and help.

 

The fact that you are learning to adjust to her asexuality and that you're respecting it is great. You're not trying to pressure her and that is incredibly amazing to hear, as tons of asexuals have been told "I can fix you" or other crap like that. And the fact that you know you don't want to leave her just because of her sexuality is also great.

 

What I'm getting from this is that you miss talking about having sex. Do I understand that? No. Even the thought of it makes me want to be physically ill. And the thing is, there are plenty of other ways you can be intimate without actually doing it. For example, making out or cuddling are other possibilities.

 

So I hope this helps!

[WZZ]

I'll say what I just said to someone else. Give yourself a little time to process. (I dont know when the revelation happened, so maybe you've known for a little while)

 

The whole, hurt/worth/lack of intimacy side of things takes a while to detangle. For a lot of people (sexuals), it's a fundamental expression of closeness in a relationship. It takes some getting used to.

 

If you've had some time to process and are ready to hit that compromise stage, you gotta do that communication thing. Maybe talking about the possible rules for an open relationship is uncomfortable for her. But, as I saw someone else say, she's not entitled to be comfortable at all times. Hard conversations happen. Being uncomfortable about discussing that side of the relationship is not on the same level as the act itself. You're trying to include her in the process of discovering how the marriage can be maintained. There's a way to include her with as much kindness and understanding as possible, but she also needs to step up to help maintain the marriage. (Not in a sexual way. In a communication way.) Takes two to sustain a marriage.

[Jjames]

6 hours ago, Fandom Fanatic said:

What I'm getting from this is that you miss talking about having sex. 

Thanks for the reply. I think the best analogy I can think of is food. For some people, food is a functional thing that happens. But I’m a real foodie. I look forward to every meal and the more I talk and anticipate it, the better the experience is. It almost is better that the meal sometimes. 

[Jjames]

6 hours ago, WZZ said:

I'll say what I just said to someone else. Give yourself a little time to process. (I dont know when the revelation happened, so maybe you've known for a little while)

 

The whole, hurt/worth/lack of intimacy side of things takes a while to detangle. For a lot of people (sexuals), it's a fundamental expression of closeness in a relationship. It takes some getting used to.

 

If you've had some time to process and are ready to hit that compromise stage, you gotta do that communication thing. Maybe talking about the possible rules for an open relationship is uncomfortable for her. But, as I saw someone else say, she's not entitled to be comfortable at all times. Hard conversations happen. Being uncomfortable about discussing that side of the relationship is not on the same level as the act itself. You're trying to include her in the process of discovering how the marriage can be maintained. There's a way to include her with as much kindness and understanding as possible, but she also needs to step up to help maintain the marriage. (Not in a sexual way. In a communication way.) Takes two to sustain a marriage.

This is really helpful. Thank you. I definitely feels very fundamental to my relationship. It’s a small but vital part. I’ve described the issues recently like having a stone in my shoe. Not that painful, or even that hard to cope with initially. But without sorting it out it becomes all consuming and can start to cause injury. 
 

And yes, the temptation with this sort of thing is to take on all of the compromise because the idea of pressuring someone towards sex is so abhorrent. But there is a two way responsibility to sustain the relationship. 
 

 

[RileyA]

I'd advise that any pursuit into non-monogamy is with you doing as individuals. It's very unlikely you'll find a good match for both of you when you're not well matched in that sense. It's hard anyway. 

 

 

[brbdogsonfire]

On 7/29/2022 at 3:26 PM, Jjames said:

My wife suspects she is asexual. I’m definitely sexual. We have been in couples therapy for the last 2 years which has been amazing. 

 

We have sex, sometimes multiple times a month. Which is great. But the thing that we have been discussing a lot recently is the ways we can free each other from the pressure of our mismatched sexuality. 

 

I want her to feel total freedom to not feel like she has to engage sexually if she doesn’t want to. I hate that she feels guilty and like she is letting me down. I know that she needs to just not engage in that side of our relationship sometimes, and I am (slowly) learning not to resent her for that. 

 

But what I am also realising is that it’s ok that I feel a bit crap that she doesn’t often want to engage with me. The amount of sex isn’t really the thing for me, but it’s the lack of communication and anticipation about our sensual selves that I find harder. I would love to be able to chat and plan and get excited about our sexual journey, but that is always just a pressure for her. I hate the idea of her feeling that pressure. But I also struggle to keep a lid on it sometimes. 

 

We are aware of the 4 choices we have. And so far compromise is where we are at. We are open to the possibility of opening things, but together rather than separately. She is worried that I would find someone who can fulfil my sexual side and that I will leave. Obviously I can’t say 100% because who knows. But I definitely don’t want that to happen. Every fibre of me wants to stay with her. But I am just struggling with this recent revelation of asexuality. I actually do t have a massive desire to shag around in all honesty. I’m also very up for her experiencing stuff with other people solo if she wants to. 

 

Bit of back story, we were pretty religious growing up and have only slept with each other. Both dealt with parental deaths as kids and so there’s some deep stuff going on there too.  And we communicate about all of this stuff really openly and honestly all the time. It’s amazing. But I guess I am just looking for any like minded people out there who might have some ideas. 

 

Thanks

I have no way to fix the issues that arise from a mixed relationship.  I have only found ways to frame the situation in my head that allows me to no be as impacted as I would normally.

 

First I understand that pressure on anyone that doesn't want sex is going to make them want sexual contact even less. When I made it a point that I wouldjtnleave if all sexual contact was taken off the table the following months saw in increase in her willingness to do sexual things.

 

We have also agreed to an open relationship. We are weird here in that we have an open relationship but do not pursue others. This seems like a psychological trick to me in that when I do get sexually frustrated I only have myself to blame because I could get sex elsewhere. It helps direct my frustration away from her.

 

I am a person that needs a lot of intimacy from my partner. In my past heterosexual relationships I got this largely from sex and foreplay. With my current partner I get this through very frequent, most nights, backrubs and cuddling. This helps me immensely!

 

When she feels down on herself about her sexuality I try reinforcing how nothing is wrong with her and that I accept and love her for every part of who she is.

 

So the terrible secret is to find ways to not let it bother you and to be loving and understanding of your partners efforts and boundaries. 

 

 

[Mountain House]

On 7/29/2022 at 4:26 PM, Jjames said:

My wife suspects she is asexual.

Let's just assume she is. It's her call.

 

On 7/29/2022 at 4:26 PM, Jjames said:

We have been in couples therapy

Fingers crossed that your therapist is asexuality aware. Some of us here have had damage done by unaware professionals.

 

On 7/29/2022 at 4:26 PM, Jjames said:

I want her to feel total freedom to not feel like she has to engage sexually if she doesn’t want to.

Easy. Tell her this. Live by this. Nobody is required to have sex. You might consider never initiating ever again.

 

And that's going to be tough. It's going to feel like a really imbalanced path to take. Here's the real headscratcher though; It's always been out of balance it's just now you have information that that makes this clear. I know that I had clues for years that my wife was struggling to be "normal". Little did we know that she was normal, just in a way we didn't understand.

 

On 7/29/2022 at 4:26 PM, Jjames said:

I hate that she feels guilty and like she is letting me down.

She's been traumatized by a society, and probably you, that has a compulsory idea of how relationships work. And granted, many people fit this well. We learned of asexuality in Dec. 2019 and have dug deep into this but even to this day my wife will trigger and feel exactly this. The best thing here is to realize that feelings aren't facts, all feelings are valid, feeling are our brains way to protect us from something, and sometimes they are wrong - there is no lion in the grass. Jedi level communication requires that partners are free to share exactly how they feel in an environment where it is known that feelings aren't facts so that we can examine the purpose behind the feeling and determine the validity.

 

On 7/29/2022 at 4:26 PM, Jjames said:

I know that she needs to just not engage in that side of our relationship sometimes

Again, you should let "that side" go - no assumptions or expectations - and let her drive that bus.

 

On 7/29/2022 at 4:26 PM, Jjames said:

I am (slowly) learning not to resent her for that.

That's good. Resentment is a feeling. Accept it and sit with it. Does its purpose ring true? Should you resent someone for being their authentic self?

 

On 7/29/2022 at 4:26 PM, Jjames said:

it’s ok that I feel a bit crap

Yep. I feel that sometimes too. It will help you a ton to tell her you feel crap. Remember, feeling aren't fact. But yeah, birthdays, anniversaries, vacations - You'll be working towards a new kind of balance which will eventually get easier. (I can't say easy just yet though)

 

On 7/29/2022 at 4:26 PM, Jjames said:

it’s the lack of communication and anticipation ... to be able to ... and get excited ... But I also struggle to keep a lid on it sometimes. 

I feel you. I really do. If you look back, I bet - just projecting my experience - that it has never really materialized. I've wanted all of that for so long and to come to the realization that it will never happen with her was a huge blow. I grieved that for months.

 

On 7/29/2022 at 4:26 PM, Jjames said:

We are open to the possibility of opening things,

We can talk about that as things progress but right now, I would suggest you each spend some time discovering your authentic selves. A good start is to disentangle and reading this essay may help. It's a good process no matter how your relationship ends up. 

 

On 7/29/2022 at 4:26 PM, Jjames said:

She is worried that I would find someone who can fulfil my sexual side and that I will leave.

Super common insecurity when closed couples open but partners leaving can happen to monogamous relationships too.

 

You'll find balance if each of you can redefine your relationship to be the intersection of what each of you bring to the relationship.

 

Welcome, @Jjames. You aren't alone.