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Having a Family as an Asexual


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Hello everyone,

 

I have recently started to accept that I am asexual. In hindsight, I think I knew back when I was 16 but dismissed it for a variety of reasons (a major one being I am in my 30s and there doesn't seem to have been a lot of understanding on what asexuality was when I was a teenager). I was wondering though, I really want to have children as I love kids/ However. as you can imagine, as someone who doesn't care for nor enjoy sex (I used to believe if I did it enough, maybe I'd see what everyone found so interesting about it...I didn't), it has been very hard to have a partner stick around for a while. I am wondering if anyone else in their 30s or beyond ever had children or a family and how do you make it work without having sex other than for procreation? Where on earth did you meet someone who was accepting of your asexuality and who also wanted a family?  

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I met my husband through family. Our parents knew each other and introduced us. It helped a lot that he grew up in a Chinese family like I did. Like a lot of Chinese folks, his model for marriage was always that you prioritize values and living together as partners. Like most people who grew up in our culture, he likes sex but doesn't place any importance on it. In his 39 years of life, he was sexually active for seven. He's not okay with not having sex ever again for life, but he doesn't care if we don't have it every week or even every month. In fact, he mentioned offhand at some point that he assumes we're probably not having sex every month after we have kids.

 

In China, we see a lot of married couples who live apart or who otherwise lead sexless lives for the betterment of their family. People don't usually see it as an issue. It's something that people accept as normal. We both grew up learning that being together takes getting used to, but that conflicts can be worked out as long as both sides are willing to put in the effort, and eventually the goal is to live and grow together as a family. You don't leave your family in pursuit of sex.

 

Also, if you have the means, IVF for single moms is an option. I think the biggest irony of my life is that I looked for a partner specifically so that I could have children, and two years after we started actively trying, we're finding ourselves turning to IVF anyway.

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You can always have foster kids or adopt, maybe.

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On 7/30/2022 at 7:24 AM, KiraArc said:

I am wondering if anyone else in their 30s or beyond ever had children or a family and how do you make it work without having sex other than for procreation? Where on earth did you meet someone who was accepting of your asexuality and who also wanted a family?  

You dont necessarily need a partner to have kids. If having children is really important to you you may not want to wait around till you find the right partner. You could use a donor to have kids, or adopt??

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I just bought a house with a fellow ace who I have lived with for many years. We are professionals in our 30s. I want to have children relatively soon. I’m scared my kid(s) will be hurt and/or discriminated against because of our non conventional family. My family and close friends know and are generally supportive of our ace life (even if there are all the expected comments/questions/assumptions arising from benevolent ignorance - it has improved since I’ve been more open with them but literally everyone else is in a heterosexual marriage). Work people probably assume lesbian- I don’t discuss my sex life or interest at work and I don’t have the time or energy to be the pioneer/token. I don’t know yet how my new neighbors or new religious community will be - though I don’t intend on explicitly bringing up sexuality with those groups either. I can handle the micro aggressions etc. directed at me. But is there a way to shield my kid from others’ inappropriate (or worse) commentary? Are there resources about how to discuss asexuality with young kids (who don’t need to know about sex yet)? Given the lack of ace representation in media generally, I assume it’s too much to ask that there are books for little kids that feature families like ours? 
 

 

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I am asexual but not aromantic. I have been married for 17 years, with three biological children and one adopted child.  I’m not repulsed by sex so that helps lol. 

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Lord Happy Toast

I got married long after finding AVEN, and now I have two kids.  I feel that getting married and having kids were the best things I've ever done.

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  • 3 weeks later...

I selected a donor from a sperm bank and conceived via IUI performed by a midwife. This was my dream come true after first considering the idea 15-20 years ago. My daughter is 2yo and I love everything about being a single parent by choice but I understand it's not for everyone.

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One of my friends has informally adopted me as his Mom.  It's unconventional, but it works for me.  I don't want to have any other types of kids in any other way.  I find them a bit creepy, honestly.  But I'm not creeped out by my son, I love him dearly, and I hope to have him live with me one day.

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On 7/29/2022 at 11:09 PM, EmeraldIce said:

In China, we see a lot of married couples who live apart or who otherwise lead sexless lives for the betterment of their family. People don't usually see it as an issue. It's something that people accept as normal. We both grew up learning that being together takes getting used to, but that conflicts can be worked out as long as both sides are willing to put in the effort, and eventually the goal is to live and grow together as a family. You don't leave your family in pursuit of sex.

This is fascinating.  The attitudes of different cultures to many things are rarely known about or discussed with those in other cultures.  The Chinese viewpoint seems much more accepting than many Western cultures. It sounds as though it might be easier to make a mixed asexual/sexual marriage work under this acceptance.  
 

We married as a heterosexual couple, had 2 children who are now in their 20’s and I then felt I could give up sex completely.  The marriage was a means to an end for me, although not my husband. Infrequent sex was acceptable but none at all isn’t something he feels able to continue for the rest of his life (he’s now 56).  Having only just recognised that I am asexual it’s not proving easy to talk about things.

 

Personally I couldn’t have raised 2 boys on my own either financially, physically or emotionally.  Children are challenging at all ages and move from needing their mum to their dad and then mainly friends as they get older.  If you have family support then IVF could be a possibility. Sometimes adoption by a single person can be difficult.  
 

Look into all the possibilities and see if any seems workable for you.

 

Societal acceptance of many things is evolving rapidly eg gay marriage so by the time your children reach the age where they question their family circumstances it will probably be far less of an issue than it is now.

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  • 4 weeks later...

I have been married to my husband for 15 years and we have a son. While growing up, lack of knowledge on Asexuality is why I did not realize this about me up until a couple of years ago. I assumed and went by life on the conventional life expectations - to get married , have children etc. 

 

My husband is currently grappling with the challenges of accepting my asexuallity. We have not had sex for the last 12 years since my son was born. But I used to help him out once in a while to release his sexual tension. It's really tough since it creates mental tension for both of us...and we are still trying to figure things out as we go along. I am seeking therapy, but usually to find out that there are not many therapists who have knowledge on Asexuality. It's a tough ride , but you definitely need someone with a big heart and a strong will to accept this if you are marrying a heterosexual person. 

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  • 4 months later...
On 9/27/2022 at 7:42 PM, Sandra-Roa said:

I have been married to my husband for 15 years and we have a son. While growing up, lack of knowledge on Asexuality is why I did not realize this about me up until a couple of years ago. I assumed and went by life on the conventional life expectations - to get married , have children etc. 

 

My husband is currently grappling with the challenges of accepting my asexuallity. We have not had sex for the last 12 years since my son was born. But I used to help him out once in a while to release his sexual tension. It's really tough since it creates mental tension for both of us...and we are still trying to figure things out as we go along. I am seeking therapy, but usually to find out that there are not many therapists who have knowledge on Asexuality. It's a tough ride , but you definitely need someone with a big heart and a strong will to accept this if you are marrying a heterosexual person. 

I can totally relate. I’ve been married for 18 years and have a 12 year old. My husband and I haven’t had sex for the last 10. We have a very good marriage, we are best friends and very supportive of each other but sex has always been a sore point. Same as you, my lack of knowledge on asexuality meant that I spent years thinking there was something wrong with me, but I finally realised that there’s nothing wrong with me, I’m just simply asexual. I came out to my husband who was very understanding and not at all surprised. He said that it is hard for him but he wouldn’t walk away from our relationship just because of the (lack of) sex. However, I keep on wondering whether at some point he will feel that he had too much of nothing and walk out. There’s an irony in having a sexless but wonderful marriage with an allosexual…

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I got married because I wanted children in 1990 when the concept of asexuality was an unknown (at least to me). We struggled for 15 years (until my biological clock ran out) to conceive and concluded in 2005 that we were "different" when it came to sex - but had a wonderful (childless) marriage. I only found out about "being asexual" after he passed away; it explains so much 

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