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notsureabout

Hello everyone,

 

I don't know if I'm in the right place here but I need some new perspectives and while I was going through the forum you might be able to give that to me. (disclaimer: English is not my first language so sorry for mistakes)

 

I don't know where and what is a good starting point - so I'm sorry if I'm rambling about irrelevant shit.

 

My now wife (it's fresh - we're married for 3 weeks) has a history of SA in childhood, went through foster care, has mental health issues (ADHD, depression, PTSD) and it was never easy. The prime reason we got married was to make her be able to stay in my country. She moved here to be with me - it was and is a financial buttfuck for both of us.

 

We met online, had long distance for around a year until she came here. She wanted to move to my country before me but I just made it realistic and possible. In those online-times she never seemed not sexual interested (quite the opposite - she even secretly got off when I had a stream running for her and things like that). But it changed when she got here. The first weeks were fine but then she had to attend a language class and with that everything died. She gained a lot of weight to the degree that it causes even more health problems (she's 1.55m and we're talking about 100kg at the moment).

 

At this point you might think I'm just dumb or naive, got catfished and was stupid enough to get someone out of poverty etc. It's not the case - we're in love and I don't doubt her feelings. The rest of the relationship is good.

 

But sex or the lack of it is an issue. I feel there's always another excuse and when it does happen I feel like she's doing her duty. It's not exciting or hot or anything. She fucked around in her 20s on drugs a lot and this makes me angry - even if I don't want to be angry- but I feel like she pleased everyone but stopped with her own wife.

 

Yesterday was my birthday - she asked me what I want to do and as stupid as I am I said "I want to get laid" … it did not happen because I turned down her "ok I showered do you want sex now"-offer … it's not working for me - she's kind of making fun about how I need to be seduced and all of that - and her approach is "yeah just let's get over with that" … there's no real passion or desire - I don't enjoy the sex because I always feel like it's a program she's going through. When I mention it she's also super offended ("no one ever said I'm a bad lay" shit like that). Back again to yesterday - I asked her if she might me ACE after that terrible date night (it was not just terrible because of the lack of sex). She never heard of it and asked me if this is even a thing … but then continued that she had most of the sex in the past because she thought it was necessary and the thing you do or have to do … right now it's an unsettling tension - she's always guilt tripping me when I bring up the sex-topic or my needs … and she feels pressured because of it … I hear a lot of promises that things are getting better when/if … but I'm kind of sure then there'll be the next excuse or reason or problem …

 

I don't know what to do about it. She has also some gender dysphoria ongoing but I'm open to that and consider everything around that too - even in my sexual approaches.

 

But I'm miserable and unhappy - I don't want to be stuck in a sexless marriage, I don't want to feel like doing me is kind of chore, I want to be desired and all of that.

 

I hope I did not offend anyone. But please let me know if I did (I'm on the autism spectrum and socially dumb sometimes).

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Sarah-Sylvia

Hi @hoerv

 

Your situation resembles that of quite a lot of sexual partners that have been here on the site. If your partner has said that she only was into sex because it was expected, then that's a sign that at the very least she's less sexual, whether on the asexual spectrum or not. Maybe she has low libido, maybe her past experiences affect how she feels about sex, maybe she's just a lot less sexual, or maybe she's ace-spec. Whatever the case you can't make someone want sex, so at some point you'll have to see what's important to you.

 

It sounds like you both don't have the best approach for talking on things, if you put expectations on her and she guilt trips or whatever else. It takes understanding and respect to come to know how you both feel and be able to talk on a good level. Sexuality is important to you, while it's not to her. You can't bank on her feelings differently on that, though hopefully you can open up the conversation and maybe understanding each other better around it could maybe lead to something, sometimes compromise makes more sense (from both you and her) when you can understand each other more. And if it's not possible, or not enough, then you may have to recognize being sexually incompatible and decide what's more important to you. If you would decide to break up at some point I hope you can still have ties and help her get adjusted to the new country.

 

When someone is asexual or sex isn't important to them, they won't be able to relate easily to how it can be for you as someone sexual. Sex can be a love language and part of what makes a relationship fulfilling to someone sexual. This isn't the case for everyone (like someone asexual) and so it can be hard to understand. Being able to know and recognize that difference from both sides can help see what's at issue. (seeing and feeling differently when it comes to sex)

 

I hope things can get better one way or another. Best of luck

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notsureabout

Dear @Sarah-Sylvia,

 

thank you for your comment and I agree - that is also something I'm kind of tired to mention to her - the lack of communication. As I mentioned in the opening both we're both not neurotypical - makes some things easier, but others not. I'm a very blunt and direct person - she gets totally awkward when it comes to sex themes. 

 

Today she said she's not asexual - she just had shitty partners, relationships etc. But I'm not sure if this is the next delaying-things approach or how she really feels or if she just did not figure stuff out herself. 

 

What I don't want is her to feel bad. But I also have a right to feel how I feel - and she does not get how big of a deal it is for me ( I have an issue to get touched but not with her - unless I'm overstimulated). And for me it piles up and then I vent when I'm super frustrated (like yesterday). I'm aware that this is a spectrum-issue and how to deal with emotions. (That's why I mentioned it in my OP) I have a need to understand things and just always being put on hold is nothing I can work with. That's why I'm here. 

 

 

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Mountain House
1 hour ago, hoerv said:

she's not asexual - she just had shitty partners

Okay, let's take her word for it. Let's empathize with her a bit. She could be dealing with PTSD and she might not know how to be sexual in a healthy way.

 

The crux though, is that this/these are things she has to work on. It might be that she should visit a therapist. May be two. (psychologist and sex therapist) You can't do this for her. Your job would be to support, love, cheer her one.

 

4 hours ago, hoerv said:

But I'm miserable and unhappy - I don't want to be stuck in a sexless marriage, I don't want to feel like doing me is kind of chore, I want to be desired and all of that.

This is something you tell her. She is your spouse and you should be able to talk about anything. How you feel should be priority.

 

2 hours ago, hoerv said:

lack of communication

This is a both of you thing. A couple's counselor can help here. If you like to read you might check out Nonviolent Communication

 

4 hours ago, hoerv said:

I hope I did not offend anyone.

You haven't offended me. You are one of us. Welcome.

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notsureabout

Dear Mountain House, 

 

thank you for your reply.  

 

50 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

 

The crux though, is that this/these are things she has to work on. It might be that she should visit a therapist. May be two. (psychologist and sex therapist) You can't do this for her. Your job would be to support, love, cheer her one.

she's refusing to do that. She had bad experience in the US (she was forced in therapy because of the forster care system and it did not end well). She wants to see a couple's counselor but I don't think it's the right time. I'm not against it - it's just that we never had really time to be "normal" - her transition to my country, language, legal shit -  right now I don't want to pay anyone to tell us we're having a hard time because of the circumstances. I was doing well but since she moved in - well she's expensive ... right now I'm 1k in debt just because of her meds - another reason why I don't want it right now ... I just think we should have "normal" time (and it's right around the corner) before we consider it.

 

55 minutes ago, Mountain House said:

You haven't offended me. You are one of us. Welcome.

Thank you for that ❤️ 

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