Just waiting till im over it

[toddygirl]

13 hours ago, RileyA said:

 

So, he might be a bit like me. I'm not any sort of ace but I am a Relationship Anarchist. For me, doing these things in this way doesn't mean we are partners in the "romantic" sense. Of course we are "in a relationship", but arguably, it takes minimal interaction with another human to be "in a relationship" of sorts. You're "in a relationship" with all of your friends; that relationship is called a friendship if you want to be specific. 

 

So, to me, he's saying that he wants to enjoy the things that he enjoys with you (such as spending heaps of time together) without the normal expectations of the "relationship escalator". 

 

Again, I'm like this, but if he is, he needs to realize that some people (rightly or wrongly, that's a different debate) can't establish the security they need under those conditions. The fact that I (and perhaps, he) lacks the thing where we inherently equate activities to relationship status has no impact on whether the other person feels differently. And their feelings, experiences and interpretations make up 50% of "the relationship" in it's entirety.

 

Similarly, you need to have the same realization. Although you may interpret his behavior as flirtatious, and you may be right that most humans act said way when they are flirting, he isn't intending the other person to feel flirted with. Again, if he finds that his perspective leads to miscommunication (I have), then he has to own that and adapt if he feels that it is worth it. 

 

I do alter my behavior to reflect that most people don't think like me, to an extent. There are many situations where I think my way is overall better for "mankind" and so I will stick to my guns and advise others that it either works for them or not. 

again, super new to this and its all so confusing cuz its not a simple yes/no thing, its a spectrum.  ive been trying to patiently wait for him to figure where he is at on the spectrum, cuz this is new for him as well.  so, hope this comes across sensibly.  Thank u for your perspective.  the first time i read it, it settled well.  the second time i read it, i just got all kinds of confused again.  He tells me he loves me several times daily, tells me he thinks im beautiful/cute ect, buys me expensive gifts all the time,  tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life w/ me and speaks of our future often together and plans he has for our vacations or next car to buy, I have been incorporated into his family and vice versa.  (to b clear about the flirting thing.... he came home from work and as always is telling me about his day even though most of it ive done heard throughout the day from his multiple texts.  while he was talking about his bosslady, i realized from his description of the conversation that he was flirting w/ her and didnt see it that way at all.  it was for me, a realization that he is wired differently and doesnt see what he is projecting as flirting.  and as such, mindblown.  He says was kissing ass to get the new position at his jojb.)  So, i guess my new question is now ..... r u saying we r just friends and thats it???  cuz now im feeling like ive just wasted 7yrs of my life

[WZZ]

 

18 minutes ago, toddygirl said:

  So, i guess my new question is now ..... r u saying we r just friends and thats it???  cuz now im feeling like ive just wasted 7yrs of my life

I think you and your bf are the only ones who can definitively say whether you and he have just been friends for 7 years. Riley isnt going to have that kind of info.

 

Nobody here is going to have a deadass answer for you. My experience thus far has been that it's a place where they share their experiences and thoughts, but dont/cant ever say what's 'right' and what your next move ought to be. That's something only you have enough information to decide.

[RileyA]

14 minutes ago, toddygirl said:

He tells me he loves me several times daily, tells me he thinks im beautiful/cute ect, buys me expensive gifts all the time,  tells me he wants to spend the rest of his life w/ me and speaks of our future often together and plans he has for our vacations or next car to buy, I have been incorporated into his family and vice versa.

 

It sounds like he's super into you. This stuff means something. In relationship anarchy, you can interact like this with someone and it not automatically mean you're "partners" unless you say you are and both agree to that label.

16 minutes ago, toddygirl said:

So, i guess my new question is now ..... r u saying we r just friends and thats it???  cuz now im feeling like ive just wasted 7yrs of my life

 

I guess for me, I'd never think of it like that because we have all that stuff you listed above. Even if we did agree on a "friends" label, we aren't "just" friends. We are friends who share many things and that is awesome. Being friends, partners or bluedeeblahs, doesn't change that we share all the things you listed. Those things are still real and meaningful.

 

This is how he may view things. 

[RileyA]

I guess in simple terms, he might not the type of guy who wants to do things because it's dutiful or he's supposed to, he wants to do them because he actually wants to. He sees more meaning in that. 

[toddygirl]

3 hours ago, WZZ said:

 

I think you and your bf are the only ones who can definitively say whether you and he have just been friends for 7 years. Riley isnt going to have that kind of info.

 

Nobody here is going to have a deadass answer for you. My experience thus far has been that it's a place where they share their experiences and thoughts, but dont/cant ever say what's 'right' and what your next move ought to be. That's something only you have enough information to decide.

thank u again for ur input on this subject as it is educational for me to learn.  i have done spiraled into paranoia over it and had to call him at work to ask if I was just his f.....g friend.  He giggled and asked y i would ask this, and reasured that no, it is more than a friendship, we r partners and love and care about each other greatly and do wake up each day and choose each other.    but again, i do value your input, as he is learning what he is and how he sees things and how he is changing and growing, i may have to  look back on this thread and and reevaluate what I am to him.

[WZZ]

32 minutes ago, toddygirl said:

thank u again for ur input on this subject as it is educational for me to learn.  i have done spiraled into paranoia over it and had to call him at work to ask if I was just his f.....g friend.  He giggled and asked y i would ask this, and reasured that no, it is more than a friendship, we r partners and love and care about each other greatly and do wake up each day and choose each other.    but again, i do value your input, as he is learning what he is and how he sees things and how he is changing and growing, i may have to  look back on this thread and and reevaluate what I am to him.

Insecurity is an extremely normal reaction around finding out your partner is ace. I definitely felt it. Still do from time to time.

 

It's fine to feel these things, it's natural. But my advice is to be careful about the ways you allow the insecurity to inform your actions. A good therapist would give you tools for managing the emotions in a non-destructive, healthy way.

 

Nobody likes sitting in the middle of an unknown like that, especially when your partner doesnt yet have any concrete answers. It feels like a foundational aspect of your life has been shaken.

 

But, in reality, your relationship hasnt actually changed. The way he feels about you hasnt changed with the addition of a potential label. He's always felt this way, just now you both have some vocabulary to help define and express what's going on.

 

Finding out your assumptions/the things you convinced yourself about the relationship arent accurate sucks. No two ways around it.

 

But if the things he did before made you feel loved and like his gf, it's worth examining if they will still do the same, even without sexual attraction.

 

And if not, that's worth noting too.

 

You arent suddenly any less his gf just because you've discovered a label for his sexuality. I didnt suddenly become less married when my wife told me. It's up to us to figure out how we want to proceed. It's not up to him to convince you of anything.

 

I keep going around on your whole situation, cause I get it. I just want to *feel* wanted. And it feels like that's been taken from me (even though I never had it, because she's not changed her behavior, I just had assumptions). Makes you want to both explode and crumble into bed and never get up.

 

Give yourself a little time to acclimate. Having a pillar of your life shaken and your view of yourself and the relationship changed is, to put it stupidly mildly, shocking. Give yourself a little time to process.

[toddygirl]

2 hours ago, WZZ said:

Insecurity is an extremely normal reaction around finding out your partner is ace. I definitely felt it. Still do from time to time.

 

It's fine to feel these things, it's natural. But my advice is to be careful about the ways you allow the insecurity to inform your actions. A good therapist would give you tools for managing the emotions in a non-destructive, healthy way.

 

Nobody likes sitting in the middle of an unknown like that, especially when your partner doesnt yet have any concrete answers. It feels like a foundational aspect of your life has been shaken.

 

But, in reality, your relationship hasnt actually changed. The way he feels about you hasnt changed with the addition of a potential label. He's always felt this way, just now you both have some vocabulary to help define and express what's going on.

 

Finding out your assumptions/the things you convinced yourself about the relationship arent accurate sucks. No two ways around it.

 

But if the things he did before made you feel loved and like his gf, it's worth examining if they will still do the same, even without sexual attraction.

 

And if not, that's worth noting too.

 

You arent suddenly any less his gf just because you've discovered a label for his sexuality. I didnt suddenly become less married when my wife told me. It's up to us to figure out how we want to proceed. It's not up to him to convince you of anything.

 

I keep going around on your whole situation, cause I get it. I just want to *feel* wanted. And it feels like that's been taken from me (even though I never had it, because she's not changed her behavior, I just had assumptions). Makes you want to both explode and crumble into bed and never get up.

 

Give yourself a little time to acclimate. Having a pillar of your life shaken and your view of yourself and the relationship changed is, to put it stupidly mildly, shocking. Give yourself a little time to process.

thank u so much.  not only did it make me feel better, but i will hold onto the "you arent suddenly any less his gf just because youve discovered a label".  that actually makes so much sense. it took some of the fear away.  

[Jjames]

On 7/25/2022 at 7:53 PM, WZZ said:

@Mountain House

 

Thanks for the reply. Y'know, I hadn't considered that the people who are totally content wouldnt be here, which is pretty obvious in hindsight. That's a good point.

 

To clarify, you were correct on your first read. Accepting she's asexual was easy. Was a bit of an 'of course' moment.

 

The other feelings are...well, there I guess. She told me that she told her parents in her early teens that she was ace, but forgot. When we met, she said she was bisexual.

 

But that also scans. Kinda difficult to ruminate and examine something that just never naturally pops into your head.

 

Nah these are my hangups, made more complicated by my tendency to overthink and obsess. I definitely understand your feelings around rejection. It feels almost 1 to 1 for what I experience. Freezing is exactly right.

 

But as an example: My thoughts like to produce the moment she said 'I'm not sexually attracted to you,' and spiral into thoughts about how she doesnt understand me, doesn't see me as more than a support (needs me but doesnt want me), which feeds the more natural feelings of not feeling wanted without that intimacy to a wild degree. Like, sure that information could've been delivered a little more compassionately, but it's an easy mistake to make.

 

It's a lot, but it's also my issues coming to bear, and I recognize that, rather than making it her problem.

 

So I guess when I say I'm waiting to the acceptance, I'm waiting for the acceptance of celibacy to sink in enough that the intrusive sexual thoughts lessen. I doubt they'll go away entirely, but down to a manageable degree.

 

Yeah, I'm in therapy to try to sort out my hangups. It's just slow going because it's expensive and I can only afford to go once a month.

 

I know it's rambly. Sorry about that. Im not great at organizing my thoughts

Wow. This resonated hard. Thanks for sharing. 

[banana monkey]

On 7/30/2022 at 3:28 AM, toddygirl said:

thank u so much.  not only did it make me feel better, but i will hold onto the "you arent suddenly any less his gf just because youve discovered a label".  that actually makes so much sense. it took some of the fear away.  

This is true, but I want to say, be careful what labels you use here. Has he actually said you were/are his gf? He had said you are partners but that to me is a totally different thing. The word gf implies romantic relationship and possibly even romantic attraction to me (and so, I can be uncomfortable with it) where as the word partner or significant other means we are in a relationship but not necessarily a romantic one. (it may be queerplatonic for example). I feel quite strongly about this, because when me an my ex got together, I remember having the conversation (very quickly) about being in a relationship to which I responded to his question by saying "I know I want us to be together but I dont know if I want us to be boyfriend and girlfriend" I said this because I wasnt sure if my feelings were romantic and thought I may have wanted a queerplatonic relationship rather than a romantic one. He never called me his girlfriend but other people did refer to me as that and that caused a bit of miscommunciation which ultimately was one of the factors of our breakup. To me from what you have written, it seems its possible your partner is leaning more towards a queerplatonic thing, particularly as he is aromantic but you need to ask him to know for sure. 

[toddygirl]

On 8/1/2022 at 4:20 PM, banana monkey said:

This is true, but I want to say, be careful what labels you use here. Has he actually said you were/are his gf? He had said you are partners but that to me is a totally different thing. The word gf implies romantic relationship and possibly even romantic attraction to me (and so, I can be uncomfortable with it) where as the word partner or significant other means we are in a relationship but not necessarily a romantic one. (it may be queerplatonic for example). I feel quite strongly about this, because when me an my ex got together, I remember having the conversation (very quickly) about being in a relationship to which I responded to his question by saying "I know I want us to be together but I dont know if I want us to be boyfriend and girlfriend" I said this because I wasnt sure if my feelings were romantic and thought I may have wanted a queerplatonic relationship rather than a romantic one. He never called me his girlfriend but other people did refer to me as that and that caused a bit of miscommunciation which ultimately was one of the factors of our breakup. To me from what you have written, it seems its possible your partner is leaning more towards a queerplatonic thing, particularly as he is aromantic but you need to ask him to know for sure. 

thank u for this perspective, i value any input and find it educational.   I will adress this with him when i can.  Frankly my nerves are fried and raw and when hes home I just go on auto pilot now. I have no more tears left to cry. its hard to enjoy his presence anymore, and its to painful to b around him now knowing what i know.  thank god he works 10hrs a day, and i work on his days off.  I find myself trying to find things to keep busy when hes around.  cuz i have so many questions and bless him for being patient and answering the best he can, but i can also tell im overwhelming him as well.  My brain still does not understand that this is even a thing.  and he is still trying to figure out where he is on the spectrum, as in what hes ok w/ and what hes not.  so i find myself asking him stupid/humilliating questions, like am i supposed to b into u?  am i supposed to think ur hot?  am i supposed to b in love w/ u? etc...   i dont like this at all and I definatly never wanted a life that i had to question where i stand w/ the person who says they love me and want to b w/ me.

[banana monkey]

I dont think those are stupid questions. They are actually very useful ones. But you need to get down to basics here and go simpler like "What do you mean when you say "into you". What do you mean when you say "think you are hot". This is what your partner will be wondering because its likely he has totally different definitions of these words to you or doesnt even know what they mean. 

 

edit - Sorry that isnt exactly what I meant. The most important thing to remember here is no one is "supposed" to feel anything. You feel how you do and he feels how he does. Both are valid. What's needed is to work out how exactly each person feels and what they want to do with that information. ie. If you have romantic feelings for him, is he happy to be in a romantic relationship with you if he only has QP feelings. or are you happy to be in a QP relationship with him, knowing he doesnt have romantic feelings for you and you do. or would you be happier finding another romantic relationship and maintaining friendship. 

[Guest]

15 hours ago, toddygirl said:

thank u for this perspective, i value any input and find it educational.   I will adress this with him when i can.  Frankly my nerves are fried and raw and when hes home I just go on auto pilot now. I have no more tears left to cry. its hard to enjoy his presence anymore, and its to painful to b around him now knowing what i know.  thank god he works 10hrs a day, and i work on his days off.  I find myself trying to find things to keep busy when hes around.  cuz i have so many questions and bless him for being patient and answering the best he can, but i can also tell im overwhelming him as well.  My brain still does not understand that this is even a thing.  and he is still trying to figure out where he is on the spectrum, as in what hes ok w/ and what hes not.  so i find myself asking him stupid/humilliating questions, like am i supposed to b into u?  am i supposed to think ur hot?  am i supposed to b in love w/ u? etc...   i dont like this at all and I definatly never wanted a life that i had to question where i stand w/ the person who says they love me and want to b w/ me.

Sorry to butt in here late to the chat, and this all may have been said, but it looked like most of the replies were making alternative points. 
 

While he has a lot to think about that will affect him forever, you really do need to think about what you want longterm. You can read a lot of posts here, mine included on the struggles of being a ‘sexual’ married to an asexual, and the sum of them is that it really ain’t easy on us, and in a committed relationship, we sacrifice quite a lot to stay with them.

 

My wife sure isn’t the one searching out resources, books and people to ‘deal’ with anything. She’s not on this forum looking for advice to help with the struggles that I didn’t choose to deal with. 
 

I of course don’t know your relationship, and all the great qualities about it. Most of us though who are married to an asexual didn’t know that’s what we were getting into, as they didn’t have that label, and often behavior prior to commitment was different than what it became. 
 

I love my wife, we’ve got a great kid, and a pretty good life together, and while all of that good is what keeps me around, if I knew in advance way back then she was asexual, I hope I would not have stayed in the relationship. 
 

Starting to learn about his sexuality absent other ties that bind you is a blessing that lets you evaluate the life you want to live. Make sure that you are focusing FIRST on your emotions, and your future before you consider his. It is great that you are trying to help and be understanding, but it is not your responsibility to be his savior. 
 

Anyway, I’m not saying leave him or anything as that is up to you, but I would very much suggest considering your options and think about of it would be better to just be his friend. 
 

Make sure you take the time to read some of the stories from those of us married to asexuals. 
 

make sure you focus on you. 

[Ceebs]

18 hours ago, toddygirl said:

Frankly my nerves are fried and raw and when hes home I just go on auto pilot now. I have no more tears left to cry. its hard to enjoy his presence anymore, and its to painful to b around him now knowing what i know.  thank god he works 10hrs a day, and i work on his days off.  I find myself trying to find things to keep busy when hes around. 

This is heartbreaking to read (and entirely understandable, of course).

 

1 hour ago, HiddenKS said:

make sure you focus on you.

Yes, this. You absolutely need to be putting yourself first here. No one should be staying in a relationship that's causing them that much pain, for any reason. No one in the world is worth the destruction of your mental health, and that's clearly what's happening here based on this post and a number of your others.

[toddygirl]

8 hours ago, HiddenKS said:

8 hours ago, HiddenKS said:

Sorry to butt in here late to the chat, and this all may have been said, but it looked like most of the replies were making alternative points. 
 

While he has a lot to think about that will affect him forever, you really do need to think about what you want longterm. You can read a lot of posts here, mine included on the struggles of being a ‘sexual’ married to an asexual, and the sum of them is that it really ain’t easy on us, and in a committed relationship, we sacrifice quite a lot to stay with them.

 

My wife sure isn’t the one searching out resources, books and people to ‘deal’ with anything. She’s not on this forum looking for advice to help with the struggles that I didn’t choose to deal with. 
 

I of course don’t know your relationship, and all the great qualities about it. Most of us though who are married to an asexual didn’t know that’s what we were getting into, as they didn’t have that label, and often behavior prior to commitment was different than what it became. 
 

I love my wife, we’ve got a great kid, and a pretty good life together, and while all of that good is what keeps me around, if I knew in advance way back then she was asexual, I hope I would not have stayed in the relationship. 
 

Starting to learn about his sexuality absent other ties that bind you is a blessing that lets you evaluate the life you want to live. Make sure that you are focusing FIRST on your emotions, and your future before you consider his. It is great that you are trying to help and be understanding, but it is not your responsibility to be his savior. 
 

Anyway, I’m not saying leave him or anything as that is up to you, but I would very much suggest considering your options and think about of it would be better to just be his friend. 
 

Make sure you take the time to read some of the stories from those of us married to asexuals. 
 

make sure you focus on you. 

 

Thank u very much for this and sharing a bit w/ me and our chat.  It was very much like a bit of weight was lifted, if that made sense?.  I never considered to just worry about ME and not WE.  Ive not considered leaving him.  I just assumed I will get used to this once he figures himself out.  But crap it hurts.  I do hope what u said can help others as well.  

[toddygirl]

6 hours ago, Ceebs said:

This is heartbreaking to read (and entirely understandable, of course).

 

Yes, this. You absolutely need to be putting yourself first here. No one should be staying in a relationship that's causing them that much pain, for any reason. No one in the world is worth the destruction of your mental health, and that's clearly what's happening here based on this post and a number of your others.

thank u for ur supportive comments.  good news.  today I got an atidepressent and a mood stabalizer for MY problem, from same person that is telling me to b patient, understanding, telling me to educate myself, meditate, journal, chant mantras in the mirror to myself, give him time, EXERCISE ( cuz thats supposed to make me not want sex as much.... like what?), who is she trying to kid?  So in 30 days i should c an improvement in my mood, Bahahaha.  In another 30 days im gonna need a pill for anger issues.

[toddygirl]

18 hours ago, banana monkey said:

I dont think those are stupid questions. They are actually very useful ones. But you need to get down to basics here and go simpler like "What do you mean when you say "into you". What do you mean when you say "think you are hot". This is what your partner will be wondering because its likely he has totally different definitions of these words to you or doesnt even know what they mean. 

 

edit - Sorry that isnt exactly what I meant. The most important thing to remember here is no one is "supposed" to feel anything. You feel how you do and he feels how he does. Both are valid. What's needed is to work out how exactly each person feels and what they want to do with that information. ie. If you have romantic feelings for him, is he happy to be in a romantic relationship with you if he only has QP feelings. or are you happy to be in a QP relationship with him, knowing he doesnt have romantic feelings for you and you do. or would you be happier finding another romantic relationship and maintaining friendship. 

Thank u for this.  I have noticed. Now that I know he is asexusl ive looked back and ok, i admit over analyzed EVERYTHING in out past history. We do actually  have ALOT of words that mean different things to each of us, I am now finding out.  We have very long talks on the subject of US, every week as like a check in type of thing to make sure were both doing ok.  In each of these conversations I just keep finding out more stuff that blows my mind, and it takes me awhile for my brain to figure out what to do w/ it.  I do value ur perspective.

[Blackswan4]

On 7/23/2022 at 12:39 AM, WZZ said:

Just wanted to ask the void of the internet.

 

Is anyone else just waiting for the feelings to subside? I found out a year and a half ago that my wife was asexual. One of those 'of course you are' moments. Back when we were intimate, I'd actually have to convince myself that she found me attractive. Thoughts like 'well she wouldnt do it if she wasnt'.

 

Turns out I was right.

 

It was harder a year ago. Six months ago.

 

The feelings seem to have low-plateaued (if that makes sense) for now. I still think about it daily, but it only leads to a downward spiral maybe half the time? Which is progress. Earlier this year I was in a pretty terrible place, but getting on some medication seems to have leveled that out a little bit.

 

Even after the medication, it still feels like progress is being made on the acceptance front. I doubt I'll ever quit thinking about it, but since I found out, there's been progress, so I feel like maybe one day I'll be able to go 'yeah people do it, but not me' and not feel any sort of way about it.

 

Some days it feels almost like normal. Partners against the world. Sometimes it feels like she's got blinders on to every one of my needs. Emotional or otherwise.

 

Who knows, maybe it'd be even easier if that werent the case. Maybe it's not the case. My brain likes to grab onto things and exand them into big problems until I cant be sure if it's something that actually bothers me, or if it's something my thoughts have manufactured. But that's a whole other can of worms. Hence the medication.

 

So yeah. Anybody else waiting on the acceptance stage? Anybody chilling out on the other side of it, not worrying about it anymore?

I asked for a divorce on my bday which was last night. There is no acceptance stage, there is no compromise. Just leave. I didn’t know my husband of 15 years was asexual til my friend pointed it out. It made sense. It’s been a constant fight between us. It has caused major damage to me. I think the last straw was last night when the only pathetic gift I wanted was sex for my bday. Did I get it? No.

It sucks because I like every other part of him except this. People will say have an open marriage but what is the damn point? So we also be in more of a toxic and drama life. 
you need to run

[WZZ]

1 hour ago, Blackswan4 said:

I asked for a divorce on my bday which was last night. There is no acceptance stage, there is no compromise. Just leave. I didn’t know my husband of 15 years was asexual til my friend pointed it out. It made sense. It’s been a constant fight between us. It has caused major damage to me. I think the last straw was last night when the only pathetic gift I wanted was sex for my bday. Did I get it? No.

It sucks because I like every other part of him except this. People will say have an open marriage but what is the damn point? So we also be in more of a toxic and drama life. 
you need to run

Sorry to hear. I can't imagine that was easy, even while being so unsatisfied.

 

But like I said in the post. It's gotten better from where it was last year, or even six months ago. So I have no reason to believe it won't continue to do so. Just acclimating to the new reality.

 

Splitting up in a mismatched marriage seems to be at least somewhat common around here. I imagine you'll find more than a few people who've been through similar struggles to the one you're in right now, if you need some people who understand what you're going through (since those people tend to be rare irl)

[Traveler40]

7 hours ago, Blackswan4 said:

People will say have an open marriage but what is the damn point? So we also be in more of a toxic and drama life. 

You’re hurt and ooze both bitterness and resentment. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but please get ahold of yourself. It hasn’t been a hot minute since you’ve found yourself here throwing word bombs all over the place.

 

Perhaps take some time to quietly and thoughtfully digest asexuality. It sucks finding yourself in a mixed marriage, sure, been there. However, blaming him for being what you never expected isn’t his fault, and your bitterness and rage doesn’t help anyone. 

Perhaps seek some counseling and learn to deal with this revelation in a more productive way. I assure you, it’s likely not easier for him. 

 

Oh, and as a sexual woman married to an asexual man in a 5+ year open relationship with my lover, I can also assure you that your assumptions as quoted above are way off. WAY. 🤦🏻‍♀️
 

SMH, life is so much better than you can give it credit for at the moment. I hope it gets better sooner than later and that the hurt subsides enough for you to think clearly and kindly. All the best. 

[Blackswan4]

2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

You’re hurt and ooze both bitterness and resentment. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but please get ahold of yourself. It hasn’t been a hot minute since you’ve found yourself here throwing word bombs all over the place.

 

Perhaps take some time to quietly and thoughtfully digest asexuality. It sucks finding yourself in a mixed marriage, sure, been there. However, blaming him for being what you never expected isn’t his fault, and your bitterness and rage doesn’t help anyone. 

Perhaps seek some counseling and learn to deal with this revelation in a more productive way. I assure you, it’s likely not easier for him. 

 

Oh, and as a sexual woman married to an asexual man in a 5+ year open relationship with my lover, I can also assure you that your assumptions as quoted above are way off. WAY. 🤦🏻‍♀️
 

SMH, life is so much better than you can give it credit for at the moment. I hope it gets better sooner than later and that the hurt subsides enough for you to think clearly and kindly. All the best. 

Word bombs? Oh I have every right to say how I feel about my own situation. And I am angry. That’s what happens when you lie to people.
You don’t know my situation..and he def knew something about himself that he should have disclosed.

Good for you on your open relationship. Like I care🙄. It’s def not for everyone. I wouldn’t even suggest it. I want normal.. not some relationship on a poster board anywhere. 

[Blackswan4]

2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

You’re hurt and ooze both bitterness and resentment. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but please get ahold of yourself. It hasn’t been a hot minute since you’ve found yourself here throwing word bombs all over the place.

 

Perhaps take some time to quietly and thoughtfully digest asexuality. It sucks finding yourself in a mixed marriage, sure, been there. However, blaming him for being what you never expected isn’t his fault, and your bitterness and rage doesn’t help anyone. 

Perhaps seek some counseling and learn to deal with this revelation in a more productive way. I assure you, it’s likely not easier for him. 

 

Oh, and as a sexual woman married to an asexual man in a 5+ year open relationship with my lover, I can also assure you that your assumptions as quoted above are way off. WAY. 🤦🏻‍♀️
 

SMH, life is so much better than you can give it credit for at the moment. I hope it gets better sooner than later and that the hurt subsides enough for you to think clearly and kindly. All the best. 

Btw you ever watch the ID channel? You know.. murder shows and such. They call those types of relationships high risk. Because they are toxic, they cause strife and can be toxic. That’s why it’s on the ID channel about murder..

[Blackswan4]

39 minutes ago, Blackswan4 said:

Word bombs? Oh I have every right to say how I feel about my own situation. And I am angry. That’s what happens when you lie to people.
You don’t know my situation..and he def knew something about himself that he should have disclosed.

Good for you on your open relationship. Like I care🙄. It’s def not for everyone. I wouldn’t even suggest it. I want normal.. not some relationship on a poster board anywhere. 

 

2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

You’re hurt and ooze both bitterness and resentment. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but please get ahold of yourself. It hasn’t been a hot minute since you’ve found yourself here throwing word bombs all over the place.

 

Perhaps take some time to quietly and thoughtfully digest asexuality. It sucks finding yourself in a mixed marriage, sure, been there. However, blaming him for being what you never expected isn’t his fault, and your bitterness and rage doesn’t help anyone. 

Perhaps seek some counseling and learn to deal with this revelation in a more productive way. I assure you, it’s likely not easier for him. 

 

Oh, and as a sexual woman married to an asexual man in a 5+ year open relationship with my lover, I can also assure you that your assumptions as quoted above are way off. WAY. 🤦🏻‍♀️
 

SMH, life is so much better than you can give it credit for at the moment. I hope it gets better sooner than later and that the hurt subsides enough for you to think clearly and kindly. All the best. 

[WZZ]

@Blackswan4

 

Just a heads up, your last post didnt contain any actual text, if you meant to reply to the quoted comments

[Blackswan4]

2 hours ago, Traveler40 said:

You’re hurt and ooze both bitterness and resentment. I’m sorry you’re hurting, but please get ahold of yourself. It hasn’t been a hot minute since you’ve found yourself here throwing word bombs all over the place.

 

Perhaps take some time to quietly and thoughtfully digest asexuality. It sucks finding yourself in a mixed marriage, sure, been there. However, blaming him for being what you never expected isn’t his fault, and your bitterness and rage doesn’t help anyone. 

Perhaps seek some counseling and learn to deal with this revelation in a more productive way. I assure you, it’s likely not easier for him. 

 

Oh, and as a sexual woman married to an asexual man in a 5+ year open relationship with my lover, I can also assure you that your assumptions as quoted above are way off. WAY. 🤦🏻‍♀️
 

SMH, life is so much better than you can give it credit for at the moment. I hope it gets better sooner than later and that the hurt subsides enough for you to think clearly and kindly. All the best. 

Btw I don’t care if you think I ooze bitterness. Why should you care? If you mean word bombs on how I feel about asexuals.. that will not change ever. 
3 way relationships don’t work. I just don’t see why you break it off with the asexual and have a relationship with the one that gives you sex.. wouldn’t that make things simpler? In all honesty it sounds like you want your cake and eat it to. Perhaps the asexual man in your life gets jealous? Perhaps you like him suffering a bit? I mean if I was to get in that type of relationship I could see how that would be great. 
I just don’t see a point.. perhaps it’s a bit greedy.

I want NORMAL. That’s it. It’s what I signed up for when I got married. If I had even gotten a hint that my husband was asexual I would have dropped him like a hot potato. I’m a very sexual human.

Why complicate your life? Maybe you like the drama? Maybe you like getting on this forum telling everybody how great your three way relationship is? But really how great can it be because you landed on this forum the same way I did. Because you had a relationship with an asexual man that made you miserable.. just like mine did. You didn’t leave him.. you just added more logs too a fire. Does that make you special? No.

You just didn’t have the courage to end your marriage

[WZZ]

Think I'll just unfollow my own thread

[Traveler40]

I think when a situation makes a person so angry and bitter, there’s not much you can do to improve things - at least in the short run. I feel badly for the spouse who has potentially had 15 years+ of this.

 

Frankly, It makes me sad for him. 😔

[Traveler40]

@wzz - and take a shower! Haha 😬

[Ceebs]

AVEN is not the place for you right now, @Blackswan4. Therapy is. You have many reasons to be hurt and angry, but that doesn't make it fine to be nasty to people whose lives and experiences you know virtually nothing about. I'm not going to sit here and say nothing when you're being rude to someone who's a valuable contributor to this community and also painting all asexuals as terrible or abusive people.

 

Good luck with the divorce and I hope you find the freedom and happiness you desire.

[iff]

Please can we try to be respectful of each others view.  Please remain civil in your responses. We encourage you to step away from a thread should you feel frustration

 

iff,

Moderator,  sexual parterners, friends, and allies

[Blackswan4]

7 hours ago, Ceebs said:

AVEN is not the place for you right now, @Blackswan4. Therapy is. You have many reasons to be hurt and angry, but that doesn't make it fine to be nasty to people whose lives and experiences you know virtually nothing about. I'm not going to sit here and say nothing when you're being rude to someone who's a valuable contributor to this community and also painting all asexuals as terrible or abusive people.

 

Good luck with the divorce and I hope you find the freedom and happiness you desire.

So it’s ok for people to go after me? Right? Why because they fit into this asexual forum. That is total BS. Most of us who are hurt by asexuals are on this forum.  I am not sorry for being angry. I was lied to like most people on the wrong end of the stick that are here.