Just waiting till im over it

[WZZ]

Just wanted to ask the void of the internet.

 

Is anyone else just waiting for the feelings to subside? I found out a year and a half ago that my wife was asexual. One of those 'of course you are' moments. Back when we were intimate, I'd actually have to convince myself that she found me attractive. Thoughts like 'well she wouldnt do it if she wasnt'.

 

Turns out I was right.

 

It was harder a year ago. Six months ago.

 

The feelings seem to have low-plateaued (if that makes sense) for now. I still think about it daily, but it only leads to a downward spiral maybe half the time? Which is progress. Earlier this year I was in a pretty terrible place, but getting on some medication seems to have leveled that out a little bit.

 

Even after the medication, it still feels like progress is being made on the acceptance front. I doubt I'll ever quit thinking about it, but since I found out, there's been progress, so I feel like maybe one day I'll be able to go 'yeah people do it, but not me' and not feel any sort of way about it.

 

Some days it feels almost like normal. Partners against the world. Sometimes it feels like she's got blinders on to every one of my needs. Emotional or otherwise.

 

Who knows, maybe it'd be even easier if that werent the case. Maybe it's not the case. My brain likes to grab onto things and exand them into big problems until I cant be sure if it's something that actually bothers me, or if it's something my thoughts have manufactured. But that's a whole other can of worms. Hence the medication.

 

So yeah. Anybody else waiting on the acceptance stage? Anybody chilling out on the other side of it, not worrying about it anymore?

[RileyA]

Are you taking medication to try and deal with your perfectly natural need for sexual intimacy in your relationship? 

 

 

[SusannaC]

@WZZ

Welcome to AVEN.  I hear you, out here in the void.  You aren’t really alone in your struggle, though I bet it feels that way.  
I too have medicated over the years to help deal with my disillusionment & the loss of what I needed & wanted in marriage.  Have strong family history of depression & bipolar so maybe would’ve needed medications anyway….I’ll never know

Still, acceptance takes TIME.  

7 hours ago, WZZ said:

Some days it feels almost like normal. Partners against the world. Sometimes it feels like she's got blinders on to every one of my needs. Emotional or otherwise.

It’s about so much more than the simple physical act.  So much changes in a relationship when true intimacy is lost, withheld, dismissed.  It’s a complicated issue!  
Reaching a solid place of understanding & acceptance took me years.  
In a way I suppose I’m on “the other side” of acceptance that you refer to but this doesn’t mean I’m always relaxed and happy.  The minute hand on the timer of life seems to be moving faster and faster every time I check!
I spent so long in a place of confusion and hurt and stagnation.  Can’t get those lost years back.  
Be your own best friend and research your options for proceeding forth.  
Hang in there!
S

[WZZ]

8 hours ago, RileyA said:

Are you taking medication to try and deal with your perfectly natural need for sexual intimacy in your relationship? 

 

 

I understand how my phrasing could've led to this conclusion.

 

I have depressive issues independent of the whole intimacy thing. I wont lie and say I didn't hope that I'd have the libido-killer side-effect (no luck), but it's not specifically to handle the lack of intimacy. It helps those low moments keep from delving into dangerous territory.

 

Would I have needed the medication if we weren't on this path? I dont know. For years things were okay, and while I still would have low periods, they weren't ever as extreme. It was manageable. Now it's not.

[WZZ]

@SusannaC

 

Thanks for the reply!

 

Options-wise, I've seen the...what are they called here...the 4 doors or something?

 

Compromise, open relationship, celibacy, break up

 

I think that's it.

 

And I have to pick celibacy. Im monogamous by nature, there's no point in sex if I dont feel wanted, and I dont want to lose my wife and everything we have just cause I cant get over something. I did wonder, for a time, if I wouldnt be able to do it. I felt so abysmal for months, but like I said, there's been progress, so I'm hopeful.

 

It's nice to hear there is another side, even if it's not idyllic. I didnt really think it would be, but if it keeps getting better, then I can handle the nights when it's toughest.

 

Thanks again!

[SusannaC]

7 hours ago, WZZ said:

Would I have needed the medication if we weren't on this path? I dont know. For years things were okay, and while I still would have low periods, they weren't ever as extreme. It was manageable. Now it's not

I secretly hoped for & expected libido decreases with meds too, but wasn’t the case at all!
So this warning is not always true. 
There have been periods over the years where I was able to more easily shelf my natural libido due to a multitude of demands &  mini crisis.  Life’s demands overwhelmed me and my lost sex life  wasn’t something I had alot of time to ponder. HOWEVER:  A sense of loneliness, something missing, something off in my life, was always just over my shoulder though, like a distant storm cloud.

Now I’m in my mid 50s &  I have more time to THINK….. and it’s disturbing.   I realize I’ve sacrificed a huge part of my innate self, denied my own orientation & real needs to keep the relationship alive.  Where does this leave me now?  It’s been rather easy to grow apart as a couple over the years.   The absence of physical connection, romance and emotional closeness created by those elements contributed to the  distancing for me.  (Husband happily oblivious, cause his personal needs have indeed been met in the asexual arrangement & he’s not inclined to not need much of romance touch or romantic time to feel connected)

 Honest communication is key, and we haven’t had that over time.  Ultimately I don’t believe it’s possible for most of us to deny or change our orientations….. I’ve only been trying to fool myself for all these years. 
Needless to say, thinking about all my options once again.  It’s never easy & becomes more complicated with the passage of time.   Remember you can’t get time back.  Choose your path wisely. 

[WZZ]

@SusannaC

 

I really appreciate you sharing your experience and point of view. I can indeed read between the lines and see what you're trying not to say.

 

I'm also in therapy. It's not like I'm sitting on my thumbs going through each day waiting for the next. Like I mentioned above, I can't tell anymore what the 'real' level of a problem is. I have intrusive thoughts that like to obsess and twist and provide made up scenarios that I cant really control. So I'm hoping to gain a little clarity on what, exactly, I'm feeling.

 

I often feel like if I had any other form of intimacy, I'd be in a much better place. I know there are others than just physical, we just havent got those either. Plus her love language is touch, while I have a really low upper bar on how much I can stand before getting overwhelmed.

 

Anyway, I'm rambling. You're very right that it's all so complicated. Thanks again

[Windmills of My Mind]

I just cannot live with the acceptance stage. It quietly went that direction over the years, and in the meantime I quietly lost my lust for life, inspiration, creativity, joy in simple things, lost friendships just because I could not get myself to invest the time and energy. It took me a long time to become aware that it was the lack of physical intimacy that slowly killed my inner drive. Once I became aware of that, I knew pretty soon that I did not want to waste my life that way. I would become a grumpy nasty and sour old man and that is not who I am, not who I want to become. But that is just me. Things may very well work differently for you.

 

Just for my understanding, can you tell us your age and how long you have been married/together? Not looking for exact numbers, something like "we're in our 50s, married for about half our lives" is good enough. If you are young, you still have many years ahead of you. I hope these can be happy years for you.

[WZZ]

1 hour ago, Windmills of My Mind said:

I just cannot live with the acceptance stage. It quietly went that direction over the years, and in the meantime I quietly lost my lust for life, inspiration, creativity, joy in simple things, lost friendships just because I could not get myself to invest the time and energy. It took me a long time to become aware that it was the lack of physical intimacy that slowly killed my inner drive. Once I became aware of that, I knew pretty soon that I did not want to waste my life that way. I would become a grumpy nasty and sour old man and that is not who I am, not who I want to become. But that is just me. Things may very well work differently for you.

 

Just for my understanding, can you tell us your age and how long you have been married/together? Not looking for exact numbers, something like "we're in our 50s, married for about half our lives" is good enough. If you are young, you still have many years ahead of you. I hope these can be happy years for you.

Mid 30s, together little over a decade. Married for over half that

[Mountain House]

On 7/23/2022 at 1:39 AM, WZZ said:

Is anyone else just waiting for the feelings to subside?

...

So yeah. Anybody else waiting on the acceptance stage? Anybody chilling out on the other side of it, not worrying about it anymore?

Welcome @WZZ,

 

I'm not sure what you are asking.

Are you struggling with accepting celibacy?

Are you struggling with the feeling that you aren't attractive?

Are you struggling with the idea that your partner is asexual?

 

When you say, "not worrying about it anymore?"; worrying about what specifically? Could you clarify?

 

When I first read your post, I read it as asking for conversations with sexual partners that were over their sexual feelings. Accepting celibacy for life. There are a couple members here that have chosen celibacy and have weathered the test of time with the choice. There are also a couple of others that have very recently chosen this path and are not yet sure how it will all work out. In general, I suspect people that really accept celibacy in their marriage don't show up in this forum as most of the sexual partners that find their way here are looking for some way to quell their sexual impulse while maintaining their asexual relationship and have probably already come to the point that they know celibacy isn't going to work. That is to say, not many here really get over the idea they will live a celibate life.

 

If you've been in a relationship with an asexual person and you didn't know about asexuality or that they were asexual, it can be traumatizing. Many here have felt unattractive, that they were poor lovers, unlovable... Getting over this takes time. First step is to really come to terms with the idea that neither of you are at fault or broken. You just have different sexualities. The feeling are your own construction and are meaningless. Easier said than done though. Triggers will happen in the future. (This blew me away!)

 

Your wife is asexual. That's just one way for a person to be. There's really nothing to get over here. But things around it maybe: Did she know and not tell you? Do you feel that life has dealt you a losing hand? Some of these kinds of things really should be discussed with a therapist.

 

My answer:

 

I accept that my wife is ace-spec. Learning about asexuality and making it a part of our relationship has improved our relationship tremendously. We've been married 40 years in August. She has a libido and is sex positive.

 

My wife accepts that I am a sexual person. We are working on opening our relationship. (Harder to do than to say.)

 

I accept that I have been traumatized. This was a shock to me. I find that I am very sensitive to words/actions that seem like rejection. It's terrible when it triggers because I can't predict it and it can freeze me from interactions I may be having. It has made it very hard for me to initiate sex, which is kind of funny when I think about it from the outside. (You can do it, you can do it, you can do it ... freeze. WTF? Why didn't you do it?)

 

I accept that I cannot be celibate. 🤷‍♂️ I don't know if that's acceptance or not but there it is.

Best I could come up with. If you clarify what you are waiting to get over maybe other will chime in.

[WZZ]

@Mountain House

 

Thanks for the reply. Y'know, I hadn't considered that the people who are totally content wouldnt be here, which is pretty obvious in hindsight. That's a good point.

 

To clarify, you were correct on your first read. Accepting she's asexual was easy. Was a bit of an 'of course' moment.

 

The other feelings are...well, there I guess. She told me that she told her parents in her early teens that she was ace, but forgot. When we met, she said she was bisexual.

 

But that also scans. Kinda difficult to ruminate and examine something that just never naturally pops into your head.

 

Nah these are my hangups, made more complicated by my tendency to overthink and obsess. I definitely understand your feelings around rejection. It feels almost 1 to 1 for what I experience. Freezing is exactly right.

 

But as an example: My thoughts like to produce the moment she said 'I'm not sexually attracted to you,' and spiral into thoughts about how she doesnt understand me, doesn't see me as more than a support (needs me but doesnt want me), which feeds the more natural feelings of not feeling wanted without that intimacy to a wild degree. Like, sure that information could've been delivered a little more compassionately, but it's an easy mistake to make.

 

It's a lot, but it's also my issues coming to bear, and I recognize that, rather than making it her problem.

 

So I guess when I say I'm waiting to the acceptance, I'm waiting for the acceptance of celibacy to sink in enough that the intrusive sexual thoughts lessen. I doubt they'll go away entirely, but down to a manageable degree.

 

Yeah, I'm in therapy to try to sort out my hangups. It's just slow going because it's expensive and I can only afford to go once a month.

 

I know it's rambly. Sorry about that. Im not great at organizing my thoughts

[Traveler40]

9 hours ago, Mountain House said:

I accept that I have been traumatized

I think this is critical to verbalize and own. It was generally unacknowledged during my early years here on AVEN.  
 

The 4 options of these mixed relationships have been a staple, but the concept of trauma for the sexual was not well articulated.  The point is that the trauma door swings both ways which should be recognized.
 

I hope awareness of the impact to all parties is taken seriously.

[Traveler40]

1 hour ago, WZZ said:

waiting for the acceptance

I think the only way for most to get there is to take ownership action. How can you maintain yourself in the relationship? How can you empower yourself to address your needs given the parameter of celibacy?  
 

Finding strength will bring on acceptance through actionable ideas. 

[Guest Queerdo]

1 hour ago, Traveler40 said:

How can you empower yourself to address your needs given the parameter of celibacy?

Yeah, I don't think that celibacy really works for people who don't have internal motivation to practice it. For me, it's a refuge against reenacting prior abuse and a chrysalis while I'm transitioning. But that doesn't work for everyone. 

[WZZ]

16 minutes ago, Guest Queerdo said:

Yeah, I don't think that celibacy really works for people who don't have internal motivation to practice it. For me, it's a refuge against reenacting prior abuse and a chrysalis while I'm transitioning. But that doesn't work for everyone. 

I don't know. I would call having an asexual (or otherwise) significant other -- who, for whatever reason, is not willing and/or able to engage in that way -- an external motivation, and there are people here who have chosen celibacy over other options.

 

Seems like it might be that your relationship to celibacy may be different than the context in which Traveler was speaking.

[toddygirl]

Ive been with this guy for little over 6yrs.  He has just started being ok with being in a relationship about 4 months ago and has just started giving hugs in the last few weeks. I feel very lost and confused most of the time and feel like something is wrong with me most of the time and suffer alone because it is hard to find other people to talk to that is going through this as well.  For years I tried to tell him we were playing house with none of the benifits and he would say noooo.                                                                                        I dont know when this so called acceptance is going to happen but I wish it would soon.  I hurt every single day in some way becuase of triggers that come out of nowhere and hit hard.  I feel damaged now because of this.  Trying to find a therapist that doesnt tell you to leave your person or that even understands what asexual/aromantic is proving to be very difficult.  My guy and I really love each other deeply and want and enjoy being together.  He takes great care with my feelings and is a wonderful communicatior.  Its just that he is in happy bliss with things the way they are and doesnt have the same need to want to hug/hold hands/ cuddle/ much less anything more, but he does try very hard and tries to make improvements where he can when he is ready.                                                                                                                                                                                                           This has cause massive mental trauma for me and I dont know what to do anymore.  Can there actually be a HAPPY acceptance?  Or are you sacrificing to much of your mental health due to the feelings of rejection to be with the person you are in love with?

[WZZ]

25 minutes ago, toddygirl said:

Ive been with this guy for little over 6yrs.  He has just started being ok with being in a relationship about 4 months ago and has just started giving hugs in the last few weeks. I feel very lost and confused most of the time and feel like something is wrong with me most of the time and suffer alone because it is hard to find other people to talk to that is going through this as well.  For years I tried to tell him we were playing house with none of the benifits and he would say noooo.                                                                                        I dont know when this so called acceptance is going to happen but I wish it would soon.  I hurt every single day in some way becuase of triggers that come out of nowhere and hit hard.  I feel damaged now because of this.  Trying to find a therapist that doesnt tell you to leave your person or that even understands what asexual/aromantic is proving to be very difficult.  My guy and I really love each other deeply and want and enjoy being together.  He takes great care with my feelings and is a wonderful communicatior.  Its just that he is in happy bliss with things the way they are and doesnt have the same need to want to hug/hold hands/ cuddle/ much less anything more, but he does try very hard and tries to make improvements where he can when he is ready.                                                                                                                                                                                                           This has cause massive mental trauma for me and I dont know what to do anymore.  Can there actually be a HAPPY acceptance?  Or are you sacrificing to much of your mental health due to the feelings of rejection to be with the person you are in love with?

It really, in the end, boils down to 'do I want to leave my wife or not.' I'm monogomous, and uninterested in having sex if I dont feel wanted or desired.

 

Since I dont, then it's on me to do the emotional legwork to come to terms with my decision. It's not her problem, it's mine.

 

Does it take a toll on the ol' mental health? Sure. So would a divorce. It's a bit of pick your poison (not to say having an asexual partner is poisonous, just that dealing with the feelings around it can be challenging in either direction.)

 

Would I feel differently if I thought I might be able to find someone else I cared about as much, who I was more sexually compatible with, and who was as invested as me? Maybe, but I dont. It's not as though I made my decision in a vacuum. The options are pretty clear.

 

But, the emotional legwork takes time, and I'm impatient

[toddygirl]

where is the thread for completley happy mentally stable partners of asexuals, lol.  I know this is not his fault.  And i know i have to work on how to deal w/ the feelings of rejection.  That part is so hard.  We have both agreed that me being w/ someone eles for those needs is cheating.  If the roles were reversed i would never let him be with anyone eles.  If he chooses me to be with then I would expect him to accept me for whatever I am.  And I expect the same from myself.  If I choose him, (which I have) then I should be accepting of whatever he is.  I just never knew this was even a thing or that the loss of that special closeness or intamacy would hurt so much and leave u feeling like something is wrong with you, over simple stuff like holding hands.  I get the whole if they make u feel unwanted and undesired so then u dont even want to be touched by them.  I start spirling in my head about is this a pitty hug?  does he want this like I want this?  And I get the whole pick ur poison thing.  Would life be better without him?  Hes been my best friend for over 7yrs, but weve only been together 6.  I cant imagine life without him.  But it does have empty moments and painful moments.  My therapist has been unhelpful to say the least.  I have only tried in my town, and they dont seem educated in this area. To b fair I live in a small farming community.  If u dont mind me asking, are you doing an online type thing with someone more knowledgeable in this area?  Or are you just seeing someone from your town?

[WZZ]

1 hour ago, toddygirl said:

where is the thread for completley happy mentally stable partners of asexuals, lol.  I know this is not his fault.  And i know i have to work on how to deal w/ the feelings of rejection.  That part is so hard.  We have both agreed that me being w/ someone eles for those needs is cheating.  If the roles were reversed i would never let him be with anyone eles.  If he chooses me to be with then I would expect him to accept me for whatever I am.  And I expect the same from myself.  If I choose him, (which I have) then I should be accepting of whatever he is.  I just never knew this was even a thing or that the loss of that special closeness or intamacy would hurt so much and leave u feeling like something is wrong with you, over simple stuff like holding hands.  I get the whole if they make u feel unwanted and undesired so then u dont even want to be touched by them.  I start spirling in my head about is this a pitty hug?  does he want this like I want this?  And I get the whole pick ur poison thing.  Would life be better without him?  Hes been my best friend for over 7yrs, but weve only been together 6.  I cant imagine life without him.  But it does have empty moments and painful moments.  My therapist has been unhelpful to say the least.  I have only tried in my town, and they dont seem educated in this area. To b fair I live in a small farming community.  If u dont mind me asking, are you doing an online type thing with someone more knowledgeable in this area?  Or are you just seeing someone from your town?

Yes to both. It's online, but from the nearby town I work in, which is a college town. We've never been in-person.

 

They say shopping for a therapist that fits you is pretty par for the course (I havent because I have hangups about therapy too, so I'd just never look for another if I quit going. Luckily we work well wnough together)

 

Unfortunately I dont know where or how to look for somewhere very outside your area. I found mine on recommendation, but she works for a larger office with multiple therapists in it.

 

They have specialities, like any other profession, so the one you have may know next to nothing about your situation in the professional sense. Maybe there's somewhere you can go to search up specialties or something

[ryn2]

One thing I’ve seen recommended a variety of times/places, and personally found to be true, is that therapists who have a lot of experience with LGBT people, nonbinary people, etc., are more likely to have familiarity with asexuality, aromantic people, mixed-orientation relationships, and the like.  Nothing is 100% but the odds are better.

[Ceebs]

12 hours ago, toddygirl said:

Ive been with this guy for little over 6yrs.  He has just started being ok with being in a relationship about 4 months ago and has just started giving hugs in the last few weeks.

Can I ask what you mean by 'being ok with being in a relationship'? Why were the two of you in a relationship for six years that he wasn't ok being in?

 

12 hours ago, toddygirl said:

This has cause massive mental trauma for me

IMO, you should never stay in any situation that's causing you 'massive mental trauma' if you have the choice not to. A relationship that has some particular issues that are sometimes stressful, but in the context of a situation that is overall healthy and enriches your life? Ok, sure. But I can't think of anything where 'massive mental trauma' is worth it.

 

11 hours ago, toddygirl said:

  Hes been my best friend for over 7yrs

There's no rule that the two of you can't keep being really great friends if you break up as a couple. You could continue being in each other's lives.

[uhtred]

In >30 years its never gotten better for me, so I don't think time helps.

 

People have found various ways to cope, and what works depends on the person.  That can range from acceptance, to an open relationship to separating.

 

What I would strongly not recommend is hoping it will just get better. If you are unhappy now and you don't change anything you will likely remain unhappy

[WZZ]

That's fair. But I'd counterpoint with the fact that I'm going to therapy, and hoping to disentangle my feelings of self-worth from my wife's non-sexual view of me. Which is, I think, doing something.

 

I think some people know, deep down, that a life without sex is so deeply unsatisfying for them, that celibacy is out of the question.

 

Deep down, I dont know. I'm on the fence, and trying to land on the side I'd prefer.

[Windmills of My Mind]

 

15 hours ago, WZZ said:

I think some people know, deep down, that a life without sex is so deeply unsatisfying for them, that celibacy is out of the question.

 

That applies to me indeed.

 

15 hours ago, WZZ said:

Deep down, I dont know. I'm on the fence, and trying to land on the side I'd prefer.

Not trying to steer you in either direction, but it might be wise to really (really!!! no kidding!!!) not prefer a side while you are still on said fence. An a priori preference may land you on the wrong side of the fence, in terms of your own mental health and general happiness in life. I feel an open mind while you are figuring this out would be your best chance of a happy result.

 

Also, you are still relatively young, with a very large chunk of your life still ahead of you. Many here are one, two, even three or more decades older than you. It seems that for most of them the lack of a satisfying sexual connection with their partner remains a lifelong pain. Several have posted above already. Learn from their experience.

[toddygirl]

On 7/27/2022 at 4:40 AM, Ceebs said:

Can I ask what you mean by 'being ok with being in a relationship'? Why were the two of you in a relationship for six years that he wasn't ok being in?

 

IMO, you should never stay in any situation that's causing you 'massive mental trauma' if you have the choice not to. A relationship that has some particular issues that are sometimes stressful, but in the context of a situation that is overall healthy and enriches your life? Ok, sure. But I can't think of anything where 'massive mental trauma' is worth it.

 

There's no rule that the two of you can't keep being really great friends if you break up as a couple. You could continue being in each other's lives.

Meaning i would say we were in a relationship and he would say we dont need lables, yet still at my house everyday, spending every min w/ me when hes not at work.  He would jokingly say things like im here arent I.      The massive mental trauma came about 6wks ago now, when i was told he is asexual/aromantic.  i did research on what is was and what it meant and yes.... i feel like my brain did gymnastics trying to work out what all i will never have and have to give up to stay with this person.  admittedly i got severly depressed and tried hurting myself and am in therapy now with someone who knows nothing on this subject or how to help with the rejection.  i have not learned to deal with that yet as it is still fresh, but it somehow feels abusive if that makes sense.        And no, I dont believe we could ever go back to being just friends, my brain could never accept that, but its great that some people can.  He is everything to me.  im trying very hard to b ok, and understand and accept things.  but everyday is a wierd new trigger.  like just today ive noticed he doesnt even know what flirting is or see it as flirting.  he thinks hes being funny or friendly.  his brain doesnt even register it as a way to attract people.  blew my mind.

[RileyA]

1 hour ago, toddygirl said:

yet still at my house everyday, spending every min w/ me when hes not at work.

 

So, he might be a bit like me. I'm not any sort of ace but I am a Relationship Anarchist. For me, doing these things in this way doesn't mean we are partners in the "romantic" sense. Of course we are "in a relationship", but arguably, it takes minimal interaction with another human to be "in a relationship" of sorts. You're "in a relationship" with all of your friends; that relationship is called a friendship if you want to be specific. 

 

So, to me, he's saying that he wants to enjoy the things that he enjoys with you (such as spending heaps of time together) without the normal expectations of the "relationship escalator". 

 

Again, I'm like this, but if he is, he needs to realize that some people (rightly or wrongly, that's a different debate) can't establish the security they need under those conditions. The fact that I (and perhaps, he) lacks the thing where we inherently equate activities to relationship status has no impact on whether the other person feels differently. And their feelings, experiences and interpretations make up 50% of "the relationship" in it's entirety.

 

Similarly, you need to have the same realization. Although you may interpret his behavior as flirtatious, and you may be right that most humans act said way when they are flirting, he isn't intending the other person to feel flirted with. Again, if he finds that his perspective leads to miscommunication (I have), then he has to own that and adapt if he feels that it is worth it. 

 

I do alter my behavior to reflect that most people don't think like me, to an extent. There are many situations where I think my way is overall better for "mankind" and so I will stick to my guns and advise others that it either works for them or not. 

[Ceebs]

10 hours ago, toddygirl said:

it somehow feels abusive if that makes sense. 

It definitely makes sense, yep. You're reconceptualising your whole relationship and coming to terms with the reality of the situation you're in. There's a lot of grief in that process, and likely some anger. And loneliness. (And it's ok to feel all of those things.)

 

I'm so sorry you're struggling with depression... as someone who's lived with that since I was a child and hasn't known adulthood without it, I wouldn't wish that type of pain on anyone. Can you find a different therapist? It's extremely important that you have someone who understands and is actually able to help you and figure out a way to move forward in this situation?

[toddygirl]

4 hours ago, Ceebs said:

It definitely makes sense, yep. You're reconceptualising your whole relationship and coming to terms with the reality of the situation you're in. There's a lot of grief in that process, and likely some anger. And loneliness. (And it's ok to feel all of those things.)

 

I'm so sorry you're struggling with depression... as someone who's lived with that since I was a child and hasn't known adulthood without it, I wouldn't wish that type of pain on anyone. Can you find a different therapist? It's extremely important that you have someone who understands and is actually able to help you and figure out a way to move forward in this situation?

someone had suggested an lgbtq type therapist, which i thought was a great idea. I had also seen some suggestions of sex therapist in some of the threads. i got off this site, and immediately made some calls. I do not have anyting like that available in my town.  I am currently searching in nearby towns to see what i can find.  Thank u so much for the support.

[Mountain House]

Therapy has become quite common via virtual apps. You might find a therapist online. That could extend your search area. I believe in the US therapists get licensed by the state and can practice anywhere in that state.

[Aelfwin]

On 7/26/2022 at 5:06 PM, WZZ said:

It really, in the end, boils down to 'do I want to leave my wife or not.' I'm monogomous, and uninterested in having sex if I dont feel wanted or desired.

 

Since I dont, then it's on me to do the emotional legwork to come to terms with my decision. It's not her problem, it's mine.

From the asexual side here:
You are married, though.  Problems with the relationship are problems for both of you to work on together!  It's great that you're taking an active involvement in this, that you're not trying to push her into a 'compromise' that's really just a demand, and that you are looking for solutions not problems.  However, I think it's important to be open with your partner that you're struggling.  You might think you're hiding it to protect them, but I believe that you have a better chance if you work together.

 

You mentioned it being difficult to get to therapy more than once a month, so I'm not sure if you could get into couple's counseling for a little bit (definitely would recommend a queer-friendly therapist for better luck - someone who isn't aware of asexuality will probably NOT help).  But that might be a space to try to find other ways that make both of you feel loved.  For instance, you want to feel attractive, and she's said she doesn't feel attraction.  However, just because someone's asexual doesn't mean that we can't appreciate someone aesthetically!  So maybe if she is more intentional with complimenting you, your outfits, or whatever, that could help?  (So, don't necessarily expect to hear "you're so hot", but maybe "That jacket really defines your shoulders well" or "You look so handsome with that haircut")