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Would love opinions to know if my bf is asexual..


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I have been dating my boyfriend now for eight months. Funny thing is I don’t believe in having sex until married. So everything that I’m commenting on is his what I feel to be his lack of desire for sex.

 

From the get-go  he is the first guy that has ever been completely OK with me wanting to wait until we’re married. 

When we first started dating he would kiss me all the time and was very sexually attracted to me and would be aroused. And we did fool around other than having sex.

 

After about three months of being together that all mostly went away. He’s very physical all the time in non-sexual way. Lots and lots of hugs and kisses and handholding and when we go to sleep together he holds me really tight all night if he could.

 

The kissing is never like “desirable I want sex”kissing ever ever ever. And when we go to sleep at night which we sleep with each other every weekend. He really barely ever initiates anything. And so I would say typically he’s “slightly” initiates once every 3 weeks to 1 month. Meaning He’ll kind of like make a subtle sign in a sense and if I don’t catch on then he doesn’t really care and he’ll go to sleep. Also - he does work REALLY REALLY hard sometimes from 7am to 7pm - a very physically demanding job. So he actually could be too exhausted… 

 

He never ever ever talks sexually - not in bed when we’re doing anything or even during the day to be flirtatious or even as a joke. I even caught him roll his eyes one time when I said something sexually as a joke. Also I remember in the beginning I sent him a topless picture. And he responded with a complement. But never looked at it again never saved it and never brought it up again and never asked for another again. Also I’ve taken 1 million showers in his bathroom with a clear window and he will look at me and talk to me with no attraction whatsoever. Just like we’re an old married couple that have seen each other 1 million times. And that started in the beginning. He’s never once asked to jump in the shower with me.

 

Also that once a month when he does initiate he is very into it. But it’s all very vanilla. Nothing fun, -and the same every time. One time I asked him if he ever goes down on a woman. And his answer was well I just never knew you’d be ok with it. And he said of course he loves that. So then like three weeks later he did it once and then has never done it sense.

 

And that’s how his communication is about it all the time. If I ever bring it up he will say he has a high sex drive … that he loves sex. That he’s attracted to me. If I bring up specifics to prove the contrary he’ll say things like he’s been really busy he works really hard he’s really tired but normally he has a high sex drive.

 

All that confuses me! I’m hoping to figure this out since he doesn’t communicate so well. What do you guys think? Any thoughts or opinions if it sounds like he’s on the spectrum or does it sound like he has low sex-drive bc of being exhausted..

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Sarah-Sylvia

Hi @Lissy5799

 

We can't diagnose him for you, but what I can say is that it sounds pretty relatable, as someone graysexual.

Even someone asexual can have high sex drive (ie libido), it doesn't mean being sexually attracted or desiring sex a lot. Once per month is definitely on the low side though there are some people who are less sexual. I identify as gray-ace because I'm not quite asexual but I feel like I could manage or even enjoy once per month but also let it go since it's not important to me. For a lot of sexual people, sex is important to share with a partner. Mileage varies, of course.

Only he can know what's important to him or not.

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MidnightStar

I think he sounds like he’s respecting your wishes to wait until marriage. 🤷‍♀️ He probably doesn’t know quite what your boundaries are and doesn’t want to inappropriately cross any. Reading your post it’s all very confusing as to how far he should take things before he stops. He sounds like a good guy who is following your lead. He is the only one who can label himself asexual. None of us can and you can’t either. If he says he’s has a high sex drive you’ll just have to trust him.  I wish you the best. 

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WhiteCatandcherries

It's quite hard to guess about someone's (a)sexuality. Only he can really tell. I think your best bet is a frank conversation.

Also speaking as an asexual, sexual acts are sex - do you mean penetration?

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I'd be very confused if someone believed in not having sex before marriage but then wanted (oral) sex before marriage. 

 

The reality is that this confusing thing that's happening now might be a sign that you're sexually incompatible whether he's ace or not. So, it seems like you'll find that out after you're married.  

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Yes I do mean we’ve never had penetration bc I want to wait for that. He would if he could be instead we stop short of that.

 

I guess that part that confuses me - is never asking for, never talking about, going a month without it and being perfectly happy. 
 

I do appreciate everyone’s input. I am not trying to label him. I’m trying to understand. I’ve had several Frank conversations with him - but he is not Frank back.  

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Well the reality is that if someone is prepared to wait, unless they're really tied to the religion thing, it's likely that sex isn't something they hold with great importance, IMO. 

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Sarah-Sylvia
Just now, Lissy5799 said:

Yes I do mean we’ve never had penetration bc I want to wait for that. He would if he could be instead we stop short of that.

 

I guess that part that confuses me - is never asking for, never talking about, going a month without it and being perfectly happy. 
 

I do appreciate everyone’s input. I am not trying to label him. I’m trying to understand. I’ve had several Frank conversations with him - but he is not Frank back.  

Maybe he's trying to keep it out of his mind since you don't want it ?

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Hi Riley - thank you! To clarify. I have a very strong communication skills. I have explained to him that “for me” penetration is a spiritual

act of becoming one. And I’d like to wait in that. I have explained to him in detail what I’m ok with and what I’m not. He is very respectful of all that. There is nothing confusing for him because I always make it clear.  😊 but on his end he doensnt talk about it at all. 

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Because to me Jesus will be mad if we do any of the sexings. But that's probably a religious discussion.

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MidnightStar
20 minutes ago, RileyA said:

I'd be very confused if someone believed in not having sex before marriage but then wanted (oral) sex before marriage. 

 

Same. I feel like he can’t win. If he tries to have sex then he’s crossing boundaries ‘just like every other guy’. If he doesn’t try to have sex then she’s wondering what his deal is and if he’s asexual. 🤷‍♀️

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Ther are some graphic questions I'm wondering about what he gets out of the deal before marriage too.

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49 minutes ago, MidnightStar said:

Same. I feel like he can’t win. If he tries to have sex then he’s crossing boundaries ‘just like every other guy’. If he doesn’t try to have sex then she’s wondering what his deal is and if he’s asexual. 🤷‍♀️

! To clarify. I have a very strong communication skills. I have explained to him that “for me” penetration is a spiritual

act of becoming one. And I’d like to wait in that. I have explained to him in detail what I’m ok with and what I’m not. He is very respectful of all that. There is nothing confusing for him because I always make it clear.  😊 but on his end he doensnt talk about it at all. 
 

 

that being side I am aware that your response is a real possibility. 

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Just now, Lissy5799 said:

 

! To clarify. I have a very strong communication skills. I have explained to him that “for me” penetration is a spiritual

act of becoming one. And I’d like to wait in that. I have explained to him in detail what I’m ok with and what I’m not. He is very respectful of all that. There is nothing confusing for him because I always make it clear.  😊 but on his end he doensnt talk about it at all. 
 

 

that being side I am aware that your response is a real possibility. 

Also… I’ve dated other men and have had the same rule. and by far, he is way way different in a sexual arena than any other man. And the other men I’ve dated have been very respectful of me but due to my communication they knew how far I wanted to go. He also knows how far I want to go. I Just don’t think that this is a matter of him not wanting to cross my boundaries. Especially because I’ve asked him many times if he’s attracted to me and why doesn’t he initiate this or that. So that to me would make it really clear.

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MidnightStar
26 minutes ago, Lissy5799 said:

 

! To clarify. I have a very strong communication skills. I have explained to him that “for me” penetration is a spiritual

act of becoming one. And I’d like to wait in that. I have explained to him in detail what I’m ok with and what I’m not. He is very respectful of all that. There is nothing confusing for him because I always make it clear.  😊 but on his end he doensnt talk about it at all. 
 

 

that being side I am aware that your response is a real possibility. 

If you think something feels ‘off’…. Your intuition may be telling you something and I’d encourage you to figure that out before you get married. Could be he’s asexual? Gay even? It’ll save you lots of heartache in the long run if you explore this before marriage  I’m the asexual in a mixed marriage. I never knew the word asexual until recently but I never liked sex I just went along with it. Now that I’ve figured it out I’m in quite a pickle because we have 3 kids, house, mortgage, whole 9 yards. We’re making it work. We are OK. However our whole marriage sex has been a frustrating thing for both of us. We just didn’t know why until recently. 

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anisotrophic

While it is more rare, some men are more heavily “responsive” in their desire — not inclined to thinking about it on their own or initiating (although “initiation” is often really a subtle escalation of signals back and forth between partners). Possibly responding more to physical stimulation (flirtatious talk alone can frustratingly fall flat).

 

Yes, it’s more unusual for men. It doesn’t mean they’re gay or asexual, but it might mean (for that man) that their sexuality is, in some ways, more like things we’d tend to think of as common in women.

 

 Just throwing in another possibility!

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16 minutes ago, anisotrophic said:

While it is more rare, some men are more heavily “responsive” in their desire — not inclined to thinking about it on their own or initiating (although “initiation” is often really a subtle escalation of signals back and forth between partners). Possibly responding more to physical stimulation (flirtatious talk alone can frustratingly fall flat).

 

Yes, it’s more unusual for men. It doesn’t mean they’re gay or asexual, but it might mean (for that man) that their sexuality is, in some ways, more like things we’d tend to think of as common in women.

 

 Just throwing in another possibility!

WOW! I would never have though of this possibility on my own. I should lovingly experiment with that and see. 🤔 

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anisotrophic

@Lissy5799 my (cis male) partner is extremely responsive… it’s tough to arouse him without physical touch (although repetition of phrases or a mood setting can build in an association), he’s not going to lead much at all in bed — but game to try way more than I realized… but yeah I pretty much have to lead if I want any variation. 😅

 

For a while he thought maybe asexuality and tbf his sexuality seems a lot more fluid as is more common in women — he just can’t seem to imagine anything as arousing until its happening 🙃

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1 hour ago, anisotrophic said:

@Lissy5799 my (cis male) partner is extremely responsive… it’s tough to arouse him without physical touch (although repetition of phrases or a mood setting can build in an association), he’s not going to lead much at all in bed — but game to try way more than I realized… but yeah I pretty much have to lead if I want any variation. 😅

 

For a while he thought maybe asexuality and tbf his sexuality seems a lot more fluid as is more common in women — he just can’t seem to imagine anything as arousing until its happening 🙃

When you two first started dating did he do more leading? Or was it always that way from the beginning? 
 

And yes, that’s another thing. When we do fool around it’s the same thing same order every time.  I’m just trying to work this out. I don’t know if it’s for me or not. I’m going to try to have another conversation with him on Sunday. 

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12 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Maybe he's trying to keep it out of his mind since you don't want it ?

This was absolutely my first thought. He knows you don't want penetrative sex before marriage, he's willing to honour that, but maybe he finds himself feeling frustrated when you engage in other sexual activities (and increasingly so as time goes on) and he's trying to avoid them so as to avoid the frustration. I could be totally wrong of course, but I can see myself possibly doing that if the 'no penetration' situation went on for many months. I'm a woman, but I get seem to get more physically out of PiV than some women apparently do and I prefer it to oral or manual sex (which are great too, really do NOT get me wrong lol), so I can totally understand a guy feeling frustrated.

 

Again, obviously I could be way off base, but that was definitely my immediate thought.

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Still wondering what gets out of it other than being able to provide oral sex

 

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12 hours ago, anisotrophic said:

While it is more rare, some men are more heavily “responsive” in their desire — not inclined to thinking about it on their own or initiating (although “initiation” is often really a subtle escalation of signals back and forth between partners). Possibly responding more to physical stimulation (flirtatious talk alone can frustratingly fall flat).

Yep, I'm like this.  I've never been inclined to do anything in this regard unless it was something the partner expressed wanting.

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You ask if your bf is asexual. I guess only he can give you a straight answer on this one.

In reading your post I gather his behaviour towards you troubles you.

It's difficult for you to get to the bottom of your concerns because you've set limits for you and him. He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't.

 

I was in a completely different situation but now wish I'd examined those red flags and not simply hope things would get better.

 

You need to think hard about what really matters for you i.e. think hard about your own desires and needs.

 

 

 

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anisotrophic
On 7/23/2022 at 11:22 AM, Astutusdomina said:

You ask if your bf is asexual. I guess only he can give you a straight answer on this one.

I think it's fair to observe that there are various reasons this might not work. Lack of self-awareness, difficulty with introspection, avoidance of a topic -- possibly due to avoidance of doing so due to guilt/shame/fear. Confusion regarding one's own orientation due to difficulty or inability to "think" one's way to a state of arousal, an absence / inability to engage in independent sexual fantasy / arousal / masturbation. On top of a host of definitions for what any given orientation "means".

 

On 7/21/2022 at 10:24 PM, Lissy5799 said:

When you two first started dating did he do more leading? Or was it always that way from the beginning? 
 

And yes, that’s another thing. When we do fool around it’s the same thing same order every time.  I’m just trying to work this out. I don’t know if it’s for me or not. I’m going to try to have another conversation with him on Sunday. 

Hm. It was over a decade and a half ago... I think I was always prone to forwardness, and thought he was shy and reserved -- that he was merely shy about sharing his desires, rather than an absence entirely (lack of awareness and engaging in fantasy). He seemed more eager at the start, yes, that's typical of many aspects of a relationship...

Even if it's not "asexual" it's entirely fair to wonder if it's for you. Being the initiator, leading "what to do", is certainly a mixed bag of pro and con.

Cons: Being "submissive" and being "passive" are not quite the same thing, and passivity can take a toll. Being "dominant" can certainly be more work -- planning, execution, observation, responsibility. In my experience there's a dangerous potential for resentment, if one feels "forced' into doing all that work without some return value (e.g. recognition and appreciation). And that resentment may seem counterintuitive, especially for the more passive partner ("what? I'm trying to do whatever you ask. Why is that distressing?")

Pros: My experience is that what happens can be "up to you". A partner without much opinion and self-initiated motivation can also mean a lack of conflict (an unselfish lover in a sense, because they didn't have much opinion to start with). Someone may have the capacity to enjoy whatever it is you want to try, but it's all "new" (due to the absence of internal fantasies) and thus they need to be given new ideas, need to warm up to them, nudged into trying new things, slowly building up positive experiences and associations with arousal. Too fast and someone may instead build up negative associations (with "forcing" themselves to do what you asked). But if gradual, with repetition, the things you "want" may become "wanted".

 

-----

 

It all became a bit easier for me after testosterone a couple years ago. I'm not sure if that's because I abandoned a culturally entrained wish to "be desired" when abandoning femininity, or if the hormones simply made "initiating" an easier thing for me to do. Probably both helped.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Rather than think in terms of sexual / asexual,  think in terms of "compatibility".  If you feel you are not on the same page in your sexual desires, that is worth talking over.   I don't know what religious limits you have (nor do I need to) but it sounds like they allow some intimate contact.  Do his and your desires, enthusiasm, etc match well.  Form your posts, I'm getting the impression that they don't.

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