GLT in San Diego

[Cerberus]

The Gay and Lesbian Times in San Diego published a 4-giant-page feature article on asexuality with interviews with our founder and a number of other asexuals.

It was sympathetic, accurate, gave a good subdivision of our community, our fears, our desires, dismissed it's neccesary link to celibacy and even theorized about the inclusion of asexuality in a new GLBTA type thing. I was rather impressed by it. I reccomend anyone down in San Diego check it out.

2014 Mod Edit - For future reference:

Asexuality: beyond the acronyms
BY BRIAN VAN DE MARK
Published Thursday, 09-Aug-2007 in issue 1024




Erick Jannsen spent a lot of time – a lot of really awkward time – making out with girls in high school. For Jannsen, something just didn’t click. Jannsen also spent a lot of time – a lot of really awkward time – making out with boys in high school. Still, something just didn’t click.

For the next 15 years, Jannsen would spend more time and energy trying to explain his sexual drive, or lack thereof.

“Coming out to my family wasn’t easy,” says Jannsen, 34. “They just looked at me and said, ‘Maybe it’s a phase. You should see a shrink. That can’t be normal.’ The truth is that trying to explain to someone that you are asexual is like trying to explain to someone that you wouldn’t want to win the lottery. Everybody wants to win the lottery. Everybody wants to have sex.”

As a matter of fact, studies show that an increasing number of people do not want to have sex.

Anthony Bogaert, a PhD in Psychology and professor at Brock University in St. Catherines, Canada, is a pioneer in the field of asexuality. Bogaert published the first study estimating the prevalence of asexuality in the population in 2004. (The Journal of Sex Research, vol. 41, p. 279).

“Basically, the [united Kingdom] study estimated that about 1 percent of the sample was not attracted to other people sexually,” Bogaert said. “The sample was small, and so there is reason to be cautious, but I expect it is in the ballpark of one-half to 2 percent of the general population have never had sexual attraction to other people.”
This is the very definition of asexuality, Bogaert says: “A person who identifies as asexual is someone who does not experience sexual attraction to other people.”


Misunderstood

Until recently, people who do not experience sexual attraction to others have found themselves mislabeled, misunderstood, and very isolated.

“All of us have some group of people that we aren’t sexually attracted to. Just expand that to imagine that’s everybody,” said a recent guest on “The Montell Williams Show.”

David Jay is the founder of the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) and is considered the leading voice in asexual activism. Jay has appeared on nearly every major television network in the United States, as well as having been part of a British Broadcasting Corporation special. Jay has also been interviewed by most major newspapers in the United States and in Europe. That isn’t just a reflection of his ability to articulate the issue, he says. It’s also a clear indication that people are starting a dialogue to figure out just what asexuality is.

“I think the biggest obstacle asexual people face is that asexuality is just not intuitive for the majority of the sexual world,” Jay said. “Sexuality is so central to the way people think, and all of society’s most important things are centered around sex – your first kiss, marriage, having kids.”

In fact, Jay argues, most people have an easier time understanding homosexuality than they do asexuality, in large part because sex is such an integral part of our language, our culture, and the way we talk about intimacy, relationships and emotions.

“People just can’t imagine someone without sexuality,” says Jay, who has never had sex. “In some ways, a lot of people can understand how [a man] can be attracted to another man or a woman to a woman easier than having no attraction at all.”

Another major struggle Jay has when talking with groups about asexuality is helping people understand that asexuals are not intimacy-adverse.

“Asexuals are a very intimate group of people,” Jay said. “We face the complexities of non-sexual intimacy as much as those who face the complexities of sexual intimacy. In fact, if you’re not comfortable about talking about intimacy and sexuality, asexuality support groups are not the places to come to. When asexual people get together to discuss the issues we face, that conversation is not a place to come to avoid intimacy.”

Brandon, 26, has self-identified as asexual since he was in high school.

“Whenever people would bug me about dating, I would just sort of blow them off and say, ‘Nah, I’m not interested,’” Brandon said. “And I got, like, two main responses. People either assumed I was some right-wing Christian celibate guy or I was gay. And I’m not either.”

In fact, experts are quick to make a distinction between celibacy and asexuality.

“Celibacy is a choice to engage or not engage in sex,” Bogaert says. “People who choose not to have sex for some moral, religious, or spiritual reasons are celibate. Asexuality has more to do with an internal state, whether a person has a sexual attraction to other people. It has nothing to do with choice.”

The distinction is often the basis for opening questions in AVEN forums, as well.

“The first thing we have to be clear about is that celibacy and abstinence are choices,” Jay said. “Asexuality is not. It is not a choice to have that desire for sex absent from your core being, just as it is not a choice to be homosexual or heterosexual. It’s internal. It’s an orientation.”

In fact, researchers from the University of Indiana have begun to refer to asexuality as a separate orientation, along with homosexuality, heterosexuality and bisexuality.

“Absolutely, 100 percent this is my orientation,” Jannsen said. “I think if you asked anybody who has come to understand that they are asexual, they are going to agree. Sure, you can find yourself romantically or emotionally attracted to men or women, or both, but sexual attraction and emotional attraction are completely different.”

Many people who self-identify as asexual try to clarify a distinction between sexual and emotional attraction. And, as Jay stresses each time he speaks with groups, “Asexuals have the same emotional needs as sexual people.”
Lakeesha Williams, 21, is a student and has self-identified as asexual since she was 16.

“Let’s face it,” Williams says, “It’s not an easy society to grow up asexual in. Look around you. Everything is sold with sex. Everybody talks about sex. It’s the way everyone seems to frame the world, literature, all of that.”
Williams, like many asexuals, says she has known she was asexual since she was quite young.

“I was never really into dating, and when my friends would talk to me about their sexual escapades, I would just sort of look at them sideways,” Williams said. “For me, it was the idea of getting to know someone over time, I would develop an emotional attraction, but more in a friendly way than anything else. There would never be anything romantic, really, but I was okay with that. I liked the friendship element. And in those friendships, I find my emotional needs met.”

In other words, Williams says, “I get everything I need from my friendships.”

Brandon agrees.

“Is it really such a stretch to understand that I can have relationships that are completely fulfilling, that have a deep level of love and intimacy, but are simply absent one element: sex?” Brandon said. “I try to explain it this way. Every one of my sexual couple friends are missing something in their relationship that others aren’t. Maybe they are both vegetarians. How can they go through life never experiencing the pleasures of Friday Night Happy Hour Surf and Turf at the local Claim Jumpers? Or, what if they don’t drink alcohol? How can a couple survive years of togetherness when they never experience the buzz of being drunk together? The point is, sex is not the only thing there is to do in a relationship.”


Put out or get out?

Making the distinction between sex and love is critical for the asexual community. Asexuals are quite capable of love, even in the classic sense of the definition. In fact, explains AVEN’s Jay, many people who identify as asexual experience romantic and affectionate feelings toward others. In other words, not all asexuals limit themselves to a friendship-level of emotional attraction. Many who self-identify as asexual feel a deeper bond, one which is often described as “romantic.” However, there is also the further distinction between sexual attraction and romantic attraction that needs to be understood.

“Is it really such a stretch to understand that I can have relationships that are completely fulfilling, that have a deep level of love and intimacy, but are simply absent one element: sex?”

“A person can be romantically attracted to men and not be sexually attracted to men,” Bogaert explains. “Sexual and romantic attractions do not always have a 1:1 correspondence. Likewise, asexual people who lack sexual attractions may, in fact, have strong romantic attractions.”

That, Bogaert explains, is part of human nature in general.

“There is some evidence that supports that we are driven to form bonds with people in a romantic way, and it is possible that asexual individuals are no different in this aspect,” Bogaert explains. “As for the term ‘romantic attraction,’ it is not a common expression in sociology, per se, but it does make some sense. There is strong evidence of romantic attractions that have been studied within the context of having drive-like properties [as in, sex-drive and romance-drive]. Just because you are asexual does not mean you are not romantically interested or driven.”
A few years back, Jannsen met a guy whom he thought might just “be the one.”

“But don’t you just hate it when they expect you to put out by the fifth or sixth date?” Jannsen jokes. “Seriously, though, I met a guy and we had a great connection. He was an amazing cook and I love food. We both liked comics, and Comic-Con was like the annual Mecca trek for both of us, and so we talked about that for hours. It was incredibly intimate for me, and for him, too. After a few weeks, you could tell the pressure was on to be physical, and so I tried to explain that I am not a sexually physical person.”

Explaining that you’re not a physical person and explaining that you are asexual, though, are two different things entirely, Jannsen says.

“It’s really hard for someone to get their head around because everyone has different sex drives and that will be a factor in any relationship,” Jannsen said. “And so a lot of my [sexual] friends negotiate open relationships and that sort of thing, with all the rules or agreements or whatever. But when you’re asexual, that would require either the partner not being sexual at all or having all of his sexual needs met outside the relationship. And I know that may sound great to some people, but I haven’t ever met someone who would say, ‘Oh, okay, you and I can be exclusive partners emotionally, romantically, and spiritually, and it’s okay if we don’t connect sexually – ever.’ I know that for most of the world that just doesn’t seem possible.”

The relationship ended as time passed and Jannsen didn’t agree to sex.

“Of course he thought he would change me,” Jannsen says. “You hear that all the time. But it isn’t about whether I was sexually attracted to him; it was whether I am sexually attracted to anyone, and I’m not. It’s always hard knowing when you should tell someone. On the first date? After you get to know someone for awhile?”

Naturally, if the elements of what is normally considered a romantic relationship are all there except the sexual component, the pressure can be quite intense on the asexual.

“It can make it quite difficult for asexuals to form romantic relationships in the sense of the way those in the sexual world view relationships,” Bogaert says. “Most people connect ‘romantic’ with ‘sexual,’ and the typical person would expect one to follow the other. The sexual person in the relationship can put a great deal of pressure on the asexual and this can cause conflict.”


Just do it?

So, then, there is the question: Why not just go ahead and have sex with the person in order to sustain the partner’s interest? After all, it is not that sex is repugnant for the asexual; rather, there is a feeling of indifference. In fact, many asexuals do engage in sexual activity for a variety of reasons.

Brandon is one of the many self-identified asexuals who has had sex.

“Sure, I have had sex before,” Brandon said. “My first girlfriend and I had sex. It was a trade-off, really. On the one hand, I wanted a relationship with her, but on the other hand, she needed sexual intimacy to continue in the relationship. It wasn’t that comfortable for me, so I thought maybe I wasn’t attracted to women. Weird thing was that we had a great time doing everything else. So, when we broke up, I started dating men, since I figured I must be gay. But I wasn’t sexually attracted to the men I met, even though there were a couple relationships that I found very fulfilling outside of the sex.”

This is hardly unusual, says Jay, who argues that there is a significant difference between being asexual and being anti-sex.

“Most asexual people are capable of having sex,” Jay said. “And asexual people can participate in sexual relationships. There are many reasons why an asexual would agree to participate in sexual activity. Being asexual doesn’t mean you hate sex. Sex is a beautiful and pleasurable thing for those who enjoy it. Being asexual doesn’t mean you’re anti-sex.”

There are a number of reasons why a person who identifies as asexual might engage in sex. According to the AVEN Web site:

“The motivation might be curiosity or experimentation (a good proportion of asexuals have tried sex at some point in the past). Certain aspects of sex might be sensual and enjoyable enough to be motivation for some people even without sexual attraction or drive. In a loving relationship, some asexuals may enjoy giving sexual pleasure to their partner without the need for any sexual gratification in return.

“Often, the sexual relationships asexuals participate in seem far removed from what’s considered ‘normal.’ It is not unusual for the asexual partner to be completely honest about their lack of sexual arousal or pleasure. Sexual acts can seem completely one sided or sexual activity might rely strongly on sensuality with very limited emphasis on genital sex. These relationships are often based on extreme honesty. It is unlikely that an asexual would be completely comfortable in a traditional relationship with a partner unaware of their sexuality.

“It should be noted that most asexual people feel completely neutral about sex, or perhaps they tried it and found it very disappointing. Others find the idea of participating in sexual activity absolutely repulsive.

“The common factor among asexuals is that they are not driven to have sex with other people. They don’t get horny and other people don’t ‘turn them on.’ This doesn’t necessarily stop them from finding some pleasure from sex if they so choose.”

In other words, Jay says, “Not all asexuals are the same about their level of involvement with what the sexual world thinks of as sex.”

In fact, some asexuals choose to socialize through sexual activity. And that, Jay says, is a choice, “just as some homosexuals have chosen to have sexual intercourse with people of the opposite sex.” Likewise, some asexual people do experience physical or sexual arousals.

Brandon, for example, is the first to say that he absolutely does experience sexual arousal.

“A lot of people think [asexuals] have ED [erectile dysfunction],” Brandon says. “Not at all. I think I got caught masturbating more than my brothers.”

In fact, Brandon says, he masturbates frequently. The only difference as far as he can tell, though, is that he isn’t masturbating to any one particular thought, scene, or image.

“My friends get really stuck on this point,” Brandon explains. “Because we talk about masturbating and they tell me all their fantasies and stuff. I don’t have fantasies or sexual movies that I play out in my head. I just masturbate because it makes me feel good.”

This isn’t unusual at all, according to Bogaert.

“Autosexuality, or masturbation in only themselves, is common for a number of reasons, including releasing stress or sexual tension, or gaining pleasure,” Bogaert says. “And the way we originally defined asexuality was that it is someone who does not have a sex drive. That’s not how we define it today. The distinction is, rather, that asexuals do not attach those sexual feelings to someone else.”

The medical and psychological field has not always been so clear – or understanding.

In fact, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders’ Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder was generally referenced when people would discuss their lack of sexual attraction. That is, psychologists would typically treat someone who expressed no sexual attraction as having a disorder that needed treatment.

The underlying fallacy in this argument, however, is that in order for the person’s lack of sexual attraction to be considered a disorder, it has to actually cause the person personal distress, and is generally the result of medical conditions such as thyroid disease, metabolic imbalances, or immunological disorder or the result of psychological causes such as stress, fatigue, or relationship difficulties.

In the past, the psychological community would suggest it was a repressed sense of sexuality. This belief was not held by the medical community alone, but is a common question in society at large.


Is asexuality merely a repressed sense of sexuality?

Host of the TV show “The View,” Joy Beher, drilled AVEN’s Jay as to whether his asexuality was merely a reaction to his fear of what his sexuality might look like. So did Tucker Carlson, Montel Williams and Juju Chen for “20/20.”
It’s just not so, said Jay, who takes the question in good humor.

Repression is not the root of asexuality, says Brandon. But try telling his doctor that.

“The truth is that trying to explain to someone that you are asexual is like trying to explain to someone that you wouldn’t want to win the lottery. Everybody wants to win the lottery. Everybody wants to have sex.” – Erick Jannsen, 34

“I can’t even tell you how many tests and pokes and probes – both physically and mentally – I had to endure before they just shrugged their shoulders and said, ‘Guess he just doesn’t like sex,’” Brandon says, in a voice that clearly mirrors his frustration.

Today, more and more people are beginning to understand – or at least engage in a discussion about – asexuality. In fact, Jay’s virtual network of asexuals through the www.asexuality.org Web site and the AVENWiki online communication forum has grown from just a handful of people to more than 12,000 members in just a few short years.

Why the recent interest in forming a community?

“Asexual people are not anti-social people,” Jay says. “It’s just that we never had a place in which we could come together to discuss our problems and challenges, as well as our strengths and triumphs.”

Jay’s group is not the only resource for those who self-identify as asexual. There are a number of online meet-up sites available, including asexuality.meetup.com/cities/us/ca/san_diego/ and www.glee.com, which stands for Gays, Lesbians, and Everyone Else. In fact, www.glee.com has five categories from which to choose when selecting a self-label: gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or asexual.

Bogaert, a Professor of Psychology and Community and Health Sciences, offers an interesting argument on why the asexual community has received so much attention in the general media as of late.

“I think the average or typical person, whether gay or straight, is kind of curious about asexual people because, in one sense, there is such a saturation of sexuality in our culture,” Bogaert says. “There is this interesting curiosity, then, that given that our entire media is saturated with sex, then there is this titillating interest, in sort of a reverse way. People are, in a sense, taking comfort that some people are not sexual at all. People, as a whole, I think, are a little bit fed up with the amount of sexuality that is put forth in the media, and they look and see someone who is comfortable, happy and doesn’t have to subscribe to this super-sexual sense of being to be a reasonable, functioning member of society.”

Whatever the reason for the interest, there is no question of the need for a community, says Williams.

“I searched for a long time to find a definition for how I was different,” Williams said. “People kept telling me there was something wrong with me physically, emotionally, whatever. For me, [sex] was just something I didn’t have a desire for, and when I came across the online community where other people were saying just how I felt, and then there was this definition, this term – asexual – suddenly, I felt good for the first time. I felt comfortable, because it finally had a name.”

For now, Williams says she has lots of questions, but, on the whole, is doing well.

“As of right now, I am in a very calm and very stable situation,” Williams said. “I am sure as I meet other people, and come across other individuals that I have stuff in common with – where sex is not such a big thing –I think that will be great.”

Jay says AVEN works toward that very goal. He frequently emphasizes that asexual people are trying to figure out how to live emotionally complete lives just as much as sexual people are, but without the sex. All the while, they strive for an emotionally complete life in a society that places strong emphasis on sexuality and sexual relationships.

In many ways, Jay argues, by not having the desire for sex, there is a certain amount of time and energy freed up to focus on other elements of a relationship. But this is not to say that being asexual is a panacea for people who are frustrated with their sexuality.

“Again, being asexual isn’t a choice, it’s an internal lack of sexual desire, which, in and of itself, frees up that energy people might be using on focusing on sex in their relationship,” Jay said. “On the flip side, though, that means we are trading one set of concerns for another. While most people are focusing on building a healthy sexual relationship, we are focused on building a healthy non-sexual relationship.”


GLBT … A?

Which brings us to the natural question: Does the asexual community naturally fit into the GLBT community?
AVEN’s Jay says there is good reason to believe it does.

“I think most of the asexual community is there,” Jay said. “There are a lot of parallels to the gay rights and queer movements, in terms of coming out, finding identities, organizing. But we’re not focused on a letter.”

That is, Jay says, the community isn’t actively advocating for a GLBTA inclusion.

“I grew up in the queer world, and I watched as transgender people began to be included in the LGB world,” Jay said. “And it didn’t really seem to me like getting a ‘T’ in the acronym in and of itself got them acceptance or understanding. Instead, it has taken a lot of agitating, creating discussion and dialogue and some are still not there – long after the ‘T’ was just slapped on the end.”

But there is logic in including the asexual community in the GLBT community, if at least as a starting point for dialogue on the community.

“It’s certainly where we start when we go to do outreach,” Jay says. “For example, when we go to college campuses, the first people we talk to are the GLBT student unions. There is a greater chance for understanding there.”

Bogaert says he understands both sides of the argument.

“I don’t have any purely academic recommendations, per se, since the idea of whether asexuals should be included in the GLBT community or not has not been discussed in any major academic sense,” Bogaert says. “But there is interesting logic and evidence to suggest that for some people, a separate sexual orientation apart from the sexual majority may suggest the asexual community would fit into the LGBT community, which is a sexual minority community. The logic is reasonable. In a sense, when you are grouping people with a sexual minority status that is different from the heterosexual majority, then, yes, I can see the rationale.”

On the other hand, Bogaert cautions, “Sexuality itself is in large part that which defines the gay and lesbian community and therefore it maybe the very thing to exclude asexual persons.”

It is hard to ignore the strong parallels between the struggles asexuals face and those faced by members of the GLBT community.

“In so much as identity with a sexual minority, trying to fit in with a heterosexual majority, asexuals are like gay people in that they are different and trying to fit in,” Bogaert says. “In that they are searching out, seeking an understanding of why they are different, in that they are seeking to meet others who, like themselves, have had a coming out experience of sorts, maybe in their early 20s when they finally admit to themselves and to others that they are different. In these ways, yes, there is a reasonable parallel.”

Jay says there is an objective far more compelling than getting an “A” into the acronym.

“I am much more interested in helping people to understand human sexual diversity,” Jay said. “I am much more interested in helping people understand the rich intersections between sexual minorities and the heterosexual norm that society seems guided by. I think these rich intersections are worth exploring, because [asexuals] do see themselves as a part of the larger community.”

There is also, says Jay, a need for a safe space for communication – and community. Again, Jay references the literature that AVEN shares with organizations and individuals. A brief look at the AVEN Wiki discussion forum finds discussion threads that include romance, sexual theory, personal stories, and poetry, just to name a few.

“A lot of people think [asexuals] have ED [erectile dysfunction]. Not at all. I think I got caught masturbating more than my brothers.”

For Williams, she’s just looking for one little understanding at a time – both for herself, and others.

“Right now, for me, I wonder what it would be like to actually date, to have a boyfriend, a steady relationship,” Williams says. “I suppose I would like to know at least if this is possible. For others, I just want the obvious – that they understand that nothing is wrong with us, and it is not really that big of a deal; that you don’t have to hate on someone for being different; that I still have goodness; that I am still human; that I still have a personality; that I like to be silly and serious; that I like to have friends; and that just because a person doesn’t share that same sexual desire doesn’t make them a freak.”

[Coleslaw]

Perhaps this was it?

http://www.gaylesbiantimes.com/?id=10304

Very good article, indeed!

[Cerberus]

Yep, that's the one!

[Cicero]

Good article! Thanks for telling us about it.

[maia]

Just finished reading it. Thanks for posting it.

It was a really interesting read! :D

[Amcan]

That was a good read.

[emmarainbow]

That is very good indeed... I may in fact, post it upon my blog for posterity, in case it eventually gets shunted off the archives...

:D

Thankyou Cerberus and GLT!

[............]

I really liked that one; it seems to be one of the few things I've seen that doesn't try to disprove the existence of asexuality, and acknowledges that it can exist.

[live wire]

Hmm, some good thoughts here. Most of what I think about the subject and a few new ideas to chew on.

I like it. :)

[asexual1976]

I liked the article. It's well written and fairly balanced.

Although one thing that struck me : I hate it when they do the "self-identified as asexual" thing. Ir has a strong connotation that while asexuals may identify as asexual they are in reality something else.

After all : would you say that "Peter started to identify as gay at the age of 16" and "Martha has identified as heterosexual since high school". No you wouldn't. You'd use terms such as "found out about her sexuality", "discovered he was gay" etc.

But maybe I'm just nit-picking here....

[BleedingThrough]

Thanks for posting. :)