Aces, would you consent to sex ?

[Phalena]

5 hours ago, stampoc said:

And sex is painful, when my friend went inside me, it was painful, a nurse told me he caused a scar inside me. Also sex is full of germs, bad germs like diseases, it's so easy to catch, you won't believe it.  I don't even have sex and I'm going to get a smear test even as an asexual. Do you all get your smear tests girls? It's important. Even asexuals need smear test checks.

Got a few already but I'm an adult and would like to be adressed as such... Sorry, the "men and girls/females" stuff has become so common that I automatically assume it's exactly that whenever I see "girls". TBH though, I'm not really sure what smear paps are good for when not having sex. Anyway, wrong thread to discuss that.

[Trans Aroace Girl]

Absolutely not.

[BooksAndTea271828]

It would have to be the right person. Someone I trust and love, etc. etc. It would not be a third date and sleep with someone type thing. I can't say I would, but I can't say I wouldn't. 

[everywhere and nowhere]

6 hours ago, stampoc said:

Do you all get your smear tests girls? It's important. Even asexuals need smear test checks.

No, I'm not going to. Nobody gets to see or touch my private parts and it's a non-negotiable issue.

Actually, many medical organisations don't even recommend pap smears for people who have never had sex. This is unfortunately complicated by the fact that many people don't believe that sexually inactive adults exist, but anyway, having never had sex greatly lowers the risk of cervical cancer and makes a test likely to do more harm than good.

And regardless of the above, my opinion is that while caring for one's health is better than not caring, everyone retains the right to decide that they don't want to undergo certain procedures. Stop shaming people for their unwillingness to undergo extremely invasive examinations! No means no also in this respect, we have a right to decide that our bodies are our sole property and that others don't get to see them.

[J. van Deijck]

20 hours ago, Philip027 said:

I do, with my spouse.

Same, only to keep him happy since he's not asexual. Good to be sex-indifferent and doing it with only one person, as long as he doesn't put pressure on me for not doing it more often.

[Merli]

I can't say that I am 100% sure I'm never going to agree to sex, but around 99,99%.  I haven't ever actually enjoyed or felt a desire to be physically near anyone and sex is as near someone as possible. But i guess it won't be completely impossible with someone I know very well and trust, if that ever will happend. Most likely no though and I can't see myself in that situation.

[Philip027]

47 minutes ago, godverdomme said:

Same, only to keep him happy since he's not asexual. Good to be sex-indifferent and doing it with only one person, as long as he doesn't put pressure on me for not doing it more often.

Normally it would be something I outright would want to avoid doing, but I'm comfy enough with my spouse that I don't mind it at all, it's even enjoyable.  It's still not something I want or desire for myself, though, so I haven't felt the need to reclassify myself even though I'm aware some people may think this qualifies me as demisexual.

 

Even though I met my spouse here on this site and they originally thought they were ace, it turns out that was just a result of them being trans.  Since recognizing and embracing that, they found out they weren't really ace at all.  Turns out not having the right body does a number on one's perceived sexuality.

[iff]

If it was part of a relationship with a sexual, and we had discuss boundaries and stuff like that and agreed, then yes

 

But just randomly, no

 

It really would depend on the situation

[daveb]

Nope

Been there, done with that.  

[Maruni]

I'm not sure if I want to. I'm more of a romantic person, so maybe. I have told my mom that I'd rather adopt because I feel more comfortable. 

[Blueberry Pie]

Probably not, but I can’t 100% say “never ever.” I’d have to really trust the person and love them a lot.

[Guest]

Nothing here.

[HakunaKatana]

In a vacuum with no further context? No.

 

With someone who verbally requests it and it would truly make them happy? Maybe once for the experience. But still probably not.

[Sally]

I did, for years, with someone I loved.  I was not damaged in the least.  

 

If you'd included an option "Asexuals, did you have sex?" you'd get more diversified replies.  

[Guest]

On 7/14/2022 at 6:42 AM, verily-forsooth-egads said:

hefty portion of people here with vaginas aren't girls and vice versa

I am from a medical hospital background (I have a 2:1 in a graduate degree) so honestly I don't understand what you are saying in a medical sense. But non-medically, I hope to understand your thinking. I'm a cis-woman so I'm genuinely sorry if I don't understand you, I just honestly don't get your thinking in this when it comes to medical stuff. And smear tests are not about vaginas, it's about the cervix. Please can everyone respect each other, like non-cis-women should respect cis-women and vice versa when it comes to cervical medical issues. I know a person who was disabled by cervical issues, it's no joke please.

[Guest]

On 7/14/2022 at 6:50 AM, estherann said:

I will never consent to one of those tests. This reduces my ability to access everyday healthcare as it's the only thing my GP is willing to discuss regardless of what I go in with. Still not going to submit to medical rape when I'm HPV negative. You can get an HPV self test from a pharmacy.

I am from a medical hospital background (I have a graduate degree too) and getting a smear test is not medical rape, ask for a female chaperone if you feel uncomfortable. Smear tests save lives. In my school days I knew a girl who was disabled by cervical issues, it's not a joke. And I know people who have no sex at all and still get HPV, you can get it from public toilets and various other places. Or as you said, get a HPV self test from a pharmacy.

[estherann]

5 hours ago, stampoc said:

I am from a medical hospital background (I have a graduate degree too) and getting a smear test is not medical rape, ask for a female chaperone if you feel uncomfortable. Smear tests save lives. In my school days I knew a girl who was disabled by cervical issues, it's not a joke. And I know people who have no sex at all and still get HPV, you can get it from public toilets and various other places. Or as you said, get a HPV self test from a pharmacy.

Nope. A life where I am raped (and penetration without consent IS rape) every three years is not a life worth living. Having a spectator for the rape would be even worse.

 

I'm aware that treatment (which is unnecessary in the majority of cases) for the cervical abnormalities found in these tests can leave people disabled. I'm a published scientist; I don't find it difficult to read medical journals, analyse statistics, and make my own decisions.

 

One of the most common non-sexual routes of HPV transmission is in medical settings.

[everywhere and nowhere]

2 hours ago, stampoc said:

ask for a female chaperone if you feel uncomfortable

I don't consent to anyone seeing or touching my intimate parts under any circumstances. I would rather die than undergo this kind of examination (not only pap smears, any kind of g. examination). This is a decision I am entitled to.

2 hours ago, stampoc said:

And I know people who have no sex at all and still get HPV, you can get it from public toilets and various other places.

I still think that it would be hard.

When I'm sitting on any toilet, my vulva is above the opening and only parts of my buttocks and thighs touch the seat. And I anyway only sit on public toilets after having put paper on the seat. Sure, I am physically unfit enough that I'm unable to urinate in the "skier position", I would spray everything this way. But I simply sit on the paper and generally I avoid using public toilets whenever I can. (I work at home, as a translator and proofreader, so I need to use toilets outside from home much less frequently than most people.) Nope, I can't say with certainty that the paper has never moved because I'm generally a clumsy person. But I am confident that I have never touched the seat with my vulva, even at home.

[J. van Deijck]

3 hours ago, Sally said:

If you'd included an option "Asexuals, did you have sex?" you'd get more diversified replies.  

I second that.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, estherann said:

Nope. A life where I am raped (and penetration without consent IS rape) every three years is not a life worth living.

 

I'm aware that treatment (which is unnecessary in the majority of cases) for the cervical abnormalities found in these tests can leave people disabled. I'm a published scientist; I don't find it difficult to read medical journals, analyse statistics, and make my own decisions.

 

One of the most common non-sexual routes of HPV transmission is in medical settings.

Fair enough, if you don't want to to do a smear test, I totally understand you. No hate. I know what you mean because the smear test procedure is too intimate. I'm asexual and I hate that intimate part too but I just tell myself it's for my health check.

[The French Unicorn]

4 hours ago, Sally said:

If you'd included an option "Asexuals, did you have sex?" you'd get more diversified replies.  

Maybe but that was not what I wanted to no.

I was asking if asexuals consent to have sex now or if they think they will in the future, not if they did have sex in the past.

[everywhere and nowhere]

3 hours ago, Frenchace said:

Maybe but that was not what I wanted to no.

I was asking if asexuals consent to have sex now or if they think they will in the future, not if they did have sex in the past.

I'm still kinda surprised that there are relatively few firm, relentless negatives. To everyone their own, but I personally do think that sex normativity is exerting its influence here.

I am personally proud to treat it as a non-negotiable issue. Not to say that being sex-capable is somehow worse, but precisely because, personally, I am not sex-capable, I am also proud to accept it and to refuse to torture myself with attempts at "overcoming" it for the sake of being able to do something I don't even want.

[Purple Red Panda]

I honestly don't know anymore.

 

On one level it kind of seems like a waste of time for all concerned as I'm not inclined towards sex and it's probably not exactly going to be a mind blowing experience for anyone else involved so it does seem kind of pointless. Over the last few months I've come to the conclusion that I'm probably less sex favourable than than I previously thought, I think mainly this is due to in the past my line of thinking was that as I've had sex it must be something I'm 100 % ok with and I'm not sure that it is. Sex isn't a hard no for me but in the end I can't say whether I would or wouldn't engage in sexual activity with someone else again... and I'm ok with that.

[Blueberry Pie]

3 hours ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

I don't consent to anyone seeing or touching my intimate parts under any circumstances. I would rather die than undergo this kind of examination (not only pap smears, any kind of g. examination). This is a decision I am entitled to.

I still think that it would be hard.

When I'm sitting on any toilet, my vulva is above the opening and only parts of my buttocks and thighs touch the seat. And I anyway only sit on public toilets after having put paper on the seat. Sure, I am physically unfit enough that I'm unable to urinate in the "skier position", I would spray everything this way. But I simply sit on the paper and generally I avoid using public toilets whenever I can. (I work at home, as a translator and proofreader, so I need to use toilets outside from home much less frequently than most people.) Nope, I can't say with certainty that the paper has never moved because I'm generally a clumsy person. But I am confident that I have never touched the seat with my vulva, even at home.

Yeah, you can’t get HPV from toilet seats. Not sure why one’s vulva would be directly touching a public toilet seat anyway.

 

https://amp.cancer.org/healthy/cancer-causes/infectious-agents/hpv/hpv-and-cancer-info.html

 

https://www.thebody.com/article/can-you-get-hiv-from-a-toilet-seat

 

https://www.winchesterhospital.org/health-library/article?id=157008

 

From last article:

 

Spoiler

“To contract an STI from a contaminated toilet seat, a ‘perfect scenario’ would have to occur. The virus from an infected person would have to be deposited onto the toilet seat immediately before you sat on it, live outside the human body for a period of time, and be positioned in the exact place for transmission to take place.

 

Because this scenario is so unlikely, the US government’s Centers for Disease Control and Prevention states that STIs, including syphilis , HPV, and HIV, cannot be transmitted via toilet seats.”

 

[bare_trees]

3 hours ago, stampoc said:

Fair enough, if you don't want to to do a smear test, I totally understand you. No hate. I know what you mean because the smear test procedure is too intimate. I'm asexual and I hate that intimate part too but I just tell myself it's for my health check.

I feel the same as the others, and I'm glad that you understand.  Additionally, when a gyno attempted to do a smear with me a few years ago, it was so painful that she could not complete it.  For a year afterward, I dealt with near constant pain in that area and couldn't even pee without it being painful.  I have a doctor that I trust now...but the possibility of losing another year of my life to that is still too upsetting for me to seriously consider having a pap smear done, especially considering I'm not sexually active.

 

Re: the poll question...kneejerk reaction is "no."  Answer after giving it some consideration is: it depends.  It depends on what kind of sex it is.  It depends on who it is.  If it's anyone other than my partner, then it's an automatic "no," but that also doesn't mean that having any type of sex with my partner is something that would be easy for me to do.

[RileyA]

15 hours ago, Sally said:

I did, for years, with someone I loved.  I was not damaged in the least.  

 

If you'd included an option "Asexuals, did you have sex?" you'd get more diversified replies.  

 

I think it was worded just right. The context was less about what people had done (and maybe wished they hadn't) and more about how they felt right now about the future.

[RileyA]

10 hours ago, everywhere and nowhere said:

I'm still kinda surprised that there are relatively few firm, relentless negatives. To everyone their own, but I personally do think that sex normativity is exerting its influence here.

I am personally proud to treat it as a non-negotiable issue. Not to say that being sex-capable is somehow worse, but precisely because, personally, I am not sex-capable, I am also proud to accept it and to refuse to torture myself with attempts at "overcoming" it for the sake of being able to do something I don't even want.

 

Well this is I'm keeping with my more recent experiences of people who identify as ace. Back in the day, I knew asexual people. They were sex averse (not repulsed). "Stone" was a popular term. They wouldnt be consenting to sex. 

 

Nowadays, we seem to have ace people and to me, at least half of them are up for sex in specific circumstances. According to them. It's more about needing trust and connection before they can consider it. 

 

So yeah, for allo folk (or just me), it's been confusing 🤣

 

 

[Sally]

At least one commenter referred to a pap smear as rape without consent.  No physician or women's healthcare worker will do a pap smear without consent -- they don't have someone hold you down while they perform the test as you protest and struggle.  You consent, they do it.  It's  not rape, "medical" or otherwise.  If you don't want a pap smear done, that's your prerogative, but don't mischaracterize it.  

[verily-forsooth-egads]

50 minutes ago, Sally said:

At least one commenter referred to a pap smear as rape without consent.  No physician or women's healthcare worker will do a pap smear without consent -- they don't have someone hold you down while they perform the test as you protest and struggle.  You consent, they do it.  It's  not rape, "medical" or otherwise.  If you don't want a pap smear done, that's your prerogative, but don't mischaracterize it.  

Of course it isn't rape if you voluntarily consent to it. But no one can coerce you to "consent" for your own good and still have it be consent.

 

14 hours ago, stampoc said:

I am from a medical hospital background (I have a 2:1 in a graduate degree) so honestly I don't understand what you are saying in a medical sense. But non-medically, I hope to understand your thinking. I'm a cis-woman so I'm genuinely sorry if I don't understand you, I just honestly don't get your thinking in this when it comes to medical stuff. And smear tests are not about vaginas, it's about the cervix. Please can everyone respect each other, like non-cis-women should respect cis-women and vice versa when it comes to cervical medical issues. I know a person who was disabled by cervical issues, it's no joke please.

If you understand that trans people exist and can't fathom why calling for "girls" to get their cervices checked might not be inclusive, I honestly don't know what to tell you.

[estherann]

7 hours ago, Sally said:

At least one commenter referred to a pap smear as rape without consent.  No physician or women's healthcare worker will do a pap smear without consent -- they don't have someone hold you down while they perform the test as you protest and struggle.  You consent, they do it.  It's  not rape, "medical" or otherwise.  If you don't want a pap smear done, that's your prerogative, but don't mischaracterize it.  

The pressure to consent is immense though. I'm going to the GP next month to ask for an autism assessment and expect more than half the 10-minute appointment to be taken up by a lecture about smear testing. That's what happens every time I go in with lifelong GI issues or mental health stuff. Makes it very difficult to get care as you only get a minute or two to explain your issue before they dismiss it and start the screening hard sell. And yes I have officially opted out by writing to the screening service, so I no longer get the reminder letters, but doctors are still allowed to try to pressure you into it.

 

Girls/women/people with cervixes: if you need healthcare for any chronic issue in the UK, pursue it BEFORE you turn 25. You'll still get interrupted by the chlamydia screening lecture every time but that's easy enough to open the self test kit and hand it back in. Once you turn 25 you're no longer a person to be helped but a target for the GP to improve their cervical screening rates