I'm more confused than EVER since being here.

[WhoamI]

Someone please define asexual to me.

I have read here:

I am asexual, and I am a virgin.

I am asexual, and I used to be sexual.

I am asexual, and a virgin, and I don't want to ever have sex because its gross. (how would a virgin know that?)

I am asexual, and have no desire for any kind of sex in any form whatsoever.

I am asexual, and I like sex, I just have no desire to have sex with another person.

I am asexual and gay.

I am asexual and bi.

... Most of which also include "I was born this way."

The list goes on and on. I don't get it. Asexual to me is defined as not being sexual. Period. How can there be such a variety of categories if this is a way people are born? After reading many threads in this forum, I am led to believe being asexual is purely a matter of CHOICE. Isn't this what we used to call choosing to be celibate?

I think its great that people are choosing not to be sexually promiscuous these days, and young people are waiting. But I am not understanding this label and the fight and defensiveness behind it. How is this different from all of these types of people just saying "I choose to be celibate."

Someone help me understand.

[............]

While adopting the label of 'asexuality' is certainly a matter of choice, asexuality in and of itself is not a choice.

There are many factors that can contribute to a person not having sex. The one that asexuals generally feel is a disinterest or repulsion to sex. It is not a matter of whether or not they are having sex, but whether or not they feel some sort of sexual desire to engage in sexual activity. This is different from 'abstinence', because people who are abstinent are just chosing not to have sex for some period of time. They may have a desire for sexual activity. An asexual, however, is still an asexual even if they have sex, because it is possible to be sexually active without wanting to have sex.

Does that make sense?

[Gavroche80]

After reading many threads in this forum, I am led to believe being asexual is purely a matter of CHOICE. Isn't this what we used to call choosing to be celibate?

I think its great that people are choosing not to be sexually promiscuous these days, and young people are waiting. But I am not understanding this label and the fight and defensiveness behind it. How is this different from all of these types of people just saying "I choose to be celibate."

I certainly didn't choose to be this way...for years I wanted to fit in, and I tried to make myself want to be sexual, but I just never had an interest in actually doing it, and no amount of wishing could change that, so I finally gave up and decided I was happier without sex.

With regard to celibacy, I certainly recoiled from the idea of being sexual when I took a human sexuality class in college and learned about all the diseases that are out there. However, if you take all the diseases away I still am not interested in it...there are simply many, many other things I would rather spend my time on than "getting laid." Honestly, I can't even imagine sex being pleasant in a loving relationship...it's just animal behavior to me. :?

[l'héros]

I feel romantic feelings toward others, but I've never had a desire to engage in sex. That's about it. I don't even see « sex » as part of « love » whereas sexuals view it as the physical manifestation of it.

I didn't choose to be this way, I never wanted to have sex. I'm 20.

For a while I wondered if I was gay, but I could never feel even romantic feelings for a man, let alone want to have sex with them... And I never wanted to have sex with a woman though I enjoyed being near them.

I'm not "choosing" to be celibate because I don't have that desire to begin with, just like a straight person hasn't got the desire to have sex with their own sex.

Sex disgusts me, or at least the thought of sex or engaging in it, and from porn that I have seen in the past (though I don't enjoy watching it, I have seen some, and it was not pleasant at all. I was covering my eyes, looking away, like it was some slasher flick).

I'm a virgin, but the desire just isn't there, like i said, like a straight person's desire to have sex with the same sex or a gay person's desire to have sex with the opposite's. we just don't want to engage in sex with either sex.

[mdw]

How is this different from all of these types of people just saying "I choose to be celibate."

Stop, grammar time!

Main Entry: cel·i·ba·cy

Pronunciation: 'se-l&-b&-sE

Function: noun

1 : the state of not being married

2 a : abstention from sexual intercourse b : abstention by vow from marriage



Main Entry: ab·sti·nence

Pronunciation: 'ab-st&-n&n(t)s

Function: noun

Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Latin abstinentia, from abstinent-, abstinens, present participle of abstinEre

1 : voluntary forbearance especially from indulgence of an appetite or craving or from eating some foods

2 a : habitual abstaining from intoxicating beverages b : abstention from sexual intercourse 



Main Entry: asex·u·al

Pronunciation: (")A-'sek-sh(&-)w&l, -shü-&l, -'sek-sh&l

Function: adjective

1 : lacking sex or functional sex organs <asexual>

2 a : involving or reproducing by reproductive processes (as cell division, spore formation, fission, or budding) that do not involve the union of individuals or gametes <asexual> <an> b : produced by asexual reproduction <asexual>

3 : devoid of sexuality <an>

As it is clearly shown by the definitions of these words. Celibacy does not apply to asexuals because celibacy is dependant on abstention from sex. The reason it doesn't apply is because abstention requires a voluntary forbearance from a desire (the 2nd given definition of abstinence above relies heavily on the first) and asexuals simply do not have desire to have sex, and by extention they are not abstaining, and by extension from that, they are not celibate even if they choose to remain virgins.

[Zanedia]

Stop, grammar time!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :mrgreen:

Oh my gosh, that was SO funny!!!!!!!

[Amcan]

Asexual = lack of sexual attraction.

It doesn't preclude someone for loving another person ina romantic way.

For love does not have to = sex for an asexual.

The feeling of love is independent to whatever sexual attraction a person might have.

Some people are romantically attracted to the oppositie gender. These poeple are hetroromantic asexuals or stright As as they might liek to call themselves. People romantically attracted to both genders are biroamtnic asexuals and those romantically attracted to the same gender are homoromantic asexuals. But to make these easier as biromantic asexuals is a mouthful people say bi-asexual.

And yes you can be asexual and a virgim becuase do striaght people need to have sex to know they are heterosexual? No. Bwucase they know who they are sexually attracted to.

You are confusing asexuality with a lack of sexual activity when it is in fact a lack of sexual attraction.

If you are not sexually attracted to anybody you therefore don't have a desire to have sex with another person. That's not a choice that is the way you are.

[Lucy Locket]

I am asexual, and a virgin, and I don't want to ever have sex because its gross. (how would a virgin know that?)

Good question. On a personal level, I can't really define it. I'm going to say I feel sex is gross because I consider that bodily fluids are gross, and also because it's lust - driven and I can't think of anything more repulsive. It's something I don't believe I have to do in order to know how I'd feel about it. I've never jumped off a roof, for instance, but I'm pretty sure I don't want to do that either.

[thylacine]

I just don't experience this thing where people feel they need to "get some." Never have, most likely never will. Not interested. Don't care. Can't be bothered. Would rather do the laundry. Does that help?

[mindlife]

The persistent lack of desire for sexual contact is the common denominator under all of what the first poster mentioned above.

Our romantic leanings or lack thereof defines who we are as individuals.

But the asexuality, the essential lack of sexual desire in relationships, is always present.

[ghosts]

The list goes on and on. I don't get it. Asexual to me is defined as not being sexual. Period. How can there be such a variety of categories if this is a way people are born? After reading many threads in this forum, I am led to believe being asexual is purely a matter of CHOICE. Isn't this what we used to call choosing to be celibate?

Because everyone is different- even if it's not a huge difference between people. At least, that's what I think, but it holds true in other areas, right? People have different tastes, comfort zones, desires, things they're disgusted or indifferent to, etc. Why would there only be a few ways to be? I didn't choose the way I am- there was never a conscious choice on my part that "Hey, I think I'm not gonna be interested in sex, so I'm asexual." Celibacy doesn't mean that you don't have a desire for sex- it means that you're *choosing* not to have sex.

[Hallucigenia]

Stop, grammar time!

I hope you don't mind if I make that my MSN tagline for a while. :D

[mdw]

Stop, grammar time!

I hope you don't mind if I make that my MSN tagline for a while. :D

Not in the least :D

[Charlieee]

Stop, grammar time!

:D :D :D :D :D :D :D :D :mrgreen:

Oh my gosh, that was SO funny!!!!!!!

Hahahahaha yes :lol:

And I agree with what... a lot of people wrote. XD There are many different kinds of attractions (sexual, romantic, physical, platonic, etc), and these attractions come together in each individual to create the differences that run happily rampant in the human race. :D

Amcan explains it well, go reread her post :D

[McBuh]

I am asexual, and a virgin, and I don't want to ever have sex because its gross. (how would a virgin know that?)

It's kind of like saying, "No one has ever spit a bunch of phlegm and boogers on me and I hope no one ever does because its gross."

[Puzzle_chick]

I am asexual, and a virgin, and I don't want to ever have sex because its gross. (how would a virgin know that?)

As a virgin asexual, I know it because the repulsion/disinterest is just natural to me, it's not a choice. It's not something I need to THINK about, I just know it. To me, sex is like the idea of eating the slimey goopy hair that gets stuck in the showerdrain. Don't want to, never wanted to, and don't need to try it to know that I don't. I'm not SCARED of the hair, I just think it's gross and don't want it.

Whereas IF I was really was just a celibate sexual, it would be more like me looking at something I would want to eat, (like cookies) and simply deciding that for whatever reason, I'll just eat the cookies later. I'd have to make the choice. And sooner or later I know I WOULD eat those cookies cause I want to.

Celibacy is a choice you decide on yourself. You pick when to start being celibate and you pick when to stop. It's up to you.

Asexuality is not wanting sex, never wanting sex, and not being able to choose if you want it or not. You can repress it, avoid it, lie to yourself, whatever, but deep down inside the repulsion/disinterest is there, and it's not your choice.

[edit: Just to clarify, I know there's asexuals that don't mind having sex for their partner's sake and aren't "repulsed" at the idea, I didn't mean to seem as if I was excluding you guys. :oops: Sorry if I did. ^^; ]

[QueenLapis]

When I was younger I thought sex was gross. And Porn, at least for me is like magnifying the worst parts. Although things I never thought would turn me on, like giving oral, now do when I see my partners pleasure in the reception. I think the differnece for me being sexual is that there was always a curiosity about sex, or at least an idea that it might not be so gross later. A comfortability issue. I was a virgin until I was twenty and there were lots of times before that that I wanted to have sex but didn't becuase of moral or safety issues. So that was a time I was abstaining but still thinking about and wanting sex. Now there are times that I'm celibate but after having had sex in the past it personally makes it more difficult to go longer without having sex because I enjoy it. That definitly is differnt than being asexual because I want sex all the time. It's just like the cookie analogy. I liked that alot. Kudos to you.

[RandomDent]

Typical conversation between me and my now-ex boyfriends.

Man: Why don't you want to have sex?

Me: Because I won't like it.

Man: How do you know unless you try it?

Me: Can I take you up the carsey with a big dildo?

Man: Ew no! That's gay.

Me: But you might like it. You haven't even tried it :P

[CopyFox]

How can there be such a variety of categories if this is a way people are born?

Is it really so hard to believe that there are a wide variety of asexuals, just as, say, there are a wide variety of ways for sexuals to experience pleasure in sexual activities? There's more than just the ritual, simple "sex," right? So for asexuals, there's more than just "not into sex." It varies from person to person, who they might still like as a friend or closer relationship, how they might feel toward sex, etc. It's genetics, you know--that thing that makes sure our population is diverse enough to survive.

I am asexual, and a virgin, and I don't want to ever have sex because its gross. (how would a virgin know that?)

Well, I'm asexual and I'm a virgin, and I have one thing that might make more sense than "I just don't like the idea of it" (though that's certainly no less true). I'm rather averse to touch--people putting their hand on my shoulder or back or anything like that, casual or intimate. It feels very invasive. So if I don't like that, then how am I supposed to feel like I'm not being raped if I had sex? There's just no appeal there. I WOULD feel like I was being raped, even if I consented.

[CopyFox]

Typical conversation between me and my now-ex boyfriends.

Man: Why don't you want to have sex?

Me: Because I won't like it.

Man: How do you know unless you try it?

Me: Can I take you up the carsey with a big dildo?

Man: Ew no! That's gay.

Me: But you might like it. You haven't even tried it :P

Oh man, that's great. If I ever get someone saying that to me, I am so totally using that. (I might have to change it a little if the person is homosexual. Oh crap, what do I do if they're bi?)

[bbctv]

i'd say i've never had any desire for SEX, but i think i've likely had all the same sort of romantic attractions many sexual people had, which is what people are getting at when they say asexual but straight, bi, homo etc. that's just the gender they prefer relationships with, though they don't want sex.

celibacy is just deciding not to have sex, and a lot of celibate people really feel they're giving up a lot to be celibate, even if it's only for a short time, but asexual people have no desire to have sex in the first place. i got praised once since i'd never "slept around" or engaged in promiscious sex by some guy i knew who felt it was some show of immense restraint, and i just told him that it wasn't any accomplishment. but for a lot of sexual people, being celibate WOULD be hard.

[CrazyCatLover]

Well, I've heard sexual people say "I'm a virgin and I can't wait to have sex because it's great!" How exactly would a virgin know that?

As for the young people are waiting part, um...I'm confused: Does one really wait for something that will never happen, that they want to never happen?

[Denny]

Someone please define asexual to me.

I have read here:

I am asexual, and I am a virgin.

I am asexual, and I used to be sexual.

I am asexual, and a virgin, and I don't want to ever have sex because its gross. (how would a virgin know that?)

I am asexual, and have no desire for any kind of sex in any form whatsoever.

I am asexual, and I like sex, I just have no desire to have sex with another person.

I am asexual and gay.

I am asexual and bi.

... Most of which also include "I was born this way."

The list goes on and on. I don't get it. Asexual to me is defined as not being sexual. Period. How can there be such a variety of categories if this is a way people are born? After reading many threads in this forum, I am led to believe being asexual is purely a matter of CHOICE. Isn't this what we used to call choosing to be celibate?

I think its great that people are choosing not to be sexually promiscuous these days, and young people are waiting. But I am not understanding this label and the fight and defensiveness behind it. How is this different from all of these types of people just saying "I choose to be celibate."

Someone help me understand.

To me being asexual and celibate can be mutually exclusive but not necessarily so. Celibacy is choosing not to have sex, even if you are a sexual person - perhaps for religious reasons or illness or other social pressures. Celibacy could also apply to asexuals who would like to be in a relationship with another A-partner but choose to remain platonic friends for a while.

Being in an A relationship instead of just a routine platonic friendship with either sex does require some physical attraction if the relationship is to develop into a certain degree of mutually agreed intimacy - some physical touching, perhaps a commitment to that person in the same way a sexual couple might make - a degree of closeness that doesn't apply to an ordinary friendship, but still won't involve exchanges of body fluids or full sex due to low or no sex drive.

If there is a relationship that can be said to go beyond platonic friendship then clearly your sexuality will come to the fore. You wouldn't want to become intimate or committed with someone you weren't attracted to that could take the relationship beyond platonic, so you need to identify your sexuality in much the same way as you would if you were a fully sexual person. Therefore, it does make sense to have these A categories. Of course, it is also possible that some couples might decide that a strict hands off relationship exists making celibacy irrelevant. In that case I dont' suppose physical attractiveness plays a part provided other forms of compatibility are there.

I am straight and I would certainly enjoy some limited physical closeness in my non-platonic relationships, but only with a man I am physically attracted to provided it doesn't involve mutual bodily fluid exchanges or full sex. However, I would feel very odd and uncomfortable being anything other than strictly platonic with any women I knew.

Likewise, I would think that a Lesbian A-sexual would feel the other way round to the way I feel. If they wanted any kind of limited physical relationship at all, or wanted a friendship to blossom into a commitment the same way as sexual couples have, they wouldn't want that with anyone except a woman they were physically attracted to.

That's how I understand it. :)