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worst advice you've ever gotten?


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You can do anything you put your mind to.

 

Telling me that as a kid (when I was naive and idealistic enough to believe anything adults told me) really, really fucked me up later in life.  I'm still dealing with that fallout today, and will be for the foreseeable future.  I don't know if I'll ever truly be over it.

 

No, some things aren't attainable, no matter how bad you want it or how hard you try.  That's just life.  You cannot succeed at everything, and trying to convince someone that they can is potentially extremely harmful -- not even just to them, but potentially anyone involved in their life.

 

Picture this -- someone asks you out, but you just aren't feeling it, so you politely tell them no.  But this other person was taught in a way that has them believe that if they just keep at it, keep trying harder, they could have you.  Feeling disturbed yet?

 

Any time I hear anyone saying something like this nowadays, I seriously want to deck them in the face.  You can still set a hopeful/idealistic example for kids without fucking lying to them about it.

 

10 hours ago, Ceebs said:

I once had a doctor tell me that whenever I had an urge to engage in certain compulsive and addictive behaviours related to my mental health issues, I should have sex instead.

I get that I'm ace but... what the hell good would that do?

 

If someone suggested that to me, I'd seriously want to deck them in the face.  (Maybe that would count as the compulsive sort of behavior they're talking about, though.  Dammit.)

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13 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

If someone suggested that to me, I'd seriously want to deck them in the face.

Oh trust me, I did. 😂 From that point on I assumed he was an idiot when it came to mental health. 

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Honestly I'm assuming he wasn't thinking any more deeply than 'SEX IS GREAT, EVERYBODY LOVES SEX, DO THAT INSTEAD!'

 

I remember thinking it was a very good thing I wasn't a survivor of sexual abuse or rape. Many people with the type of mental health stuff I struggle with are, and that suggestion could've very genuinely been a trauma response trigger for some people.

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Possibly a more reasonable suggestion not entirely unrelated to what he was going for, if a number of other factors had been different -- I was truly interested in and committed to trying to fight these urges, my relationship had been a more connected and fulfilling one -- would've been 'See if you can enlist your partner's help in the times you really feel like trying to make a healthier choice, and ask if you can do something enjoyable together'. And maybe sometimes that would be play a game or watch something or cuddle or go for a walk, maybe sometimes it would end up being sex. And ok, fine, if that helps someone learn they can ride out urges and that somebody who loves them is willing to help, great. But 'Have sex!' (and he sort of said it with a dumb smirk) is just... what.

 

Ok I'm done ranting about that. 😅

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Here's what I wish people would tell kids instead.

 

You won't always be able to succeed at everything you try for.  Some things are unattainable.  But if you try hard and apply yourself, sometimes you'll surprise even yourself with what you can accomplish.

 

Truthful, yet still idealistic; many adults would probably be able to relate to it themselves.  Doesn't enable obsessive/creepy behavior.  Wouldn't have had me feeling like a broken fucking failure all the times in my life when I gave something the absolute best I had and it somehow still wasn't enough.

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14 hours ago, Castellum said:

most usually remember good advice..but what is the most forgettable?

When I went to the doctor crying that sex hurt me so much as a teen and he told me to just keep having more sex until I like it Y_Y (turns out I have a serious pain disorder down there that went undiagnosed for years, I am in my 30s now and still can't even use tampons!)

 

And when I had like $500 on a card I was paying off (which isn't much and I just pay the money off weekly) and my midwife told me ''just declare bankruptcy so you don't have to pay it'' lol eh? Luckily I didn't take her advice!! apparently that can be really damaging for your credit if you declare bankruptcy 

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One time when I was 15 or 16 my friend suggested if I got pregnant my boobs would get bigger. I think/hope he was joking though.

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23 hours ago, Ceebs said:

Oh, here's one that's makes me laugh now, but also it's stupid as fuck.

 

I once had a doctor tell me that whenever I had an urge to engage in certain compulsive and addictive behaviours related to my mental health issues, I should have sex instead.

 

I mean... I'm not asexual, but at the time I was not very comfortable with my own sexuality, plus I was in a relationship with someone who is asexual... and although I can see the thought pattern behind doing something that would theoretically give me a dopamine boost and maybe relieve some stress, I feel like replacing a harmful urge with sex every single time could kind of create a weird connection in my brain between those unhealthy urges and sex. I feel like more reasonable advice would've been to suggest I make a list of a number of positive activities that make me feel happy, relax me, whatever, and to give all of them a try and switch them up. And if sex was one of those things, fine, but 'fuck your husband every time you want to do something bad' seems a bit... unbalanced.

 

It was also pretty dumb because the doctor didn't seem to grasp the intensity of my dependence on this behaviour. 'Have sex instead' was akin to suggesting someone who'd been using heroin for a decade could try a cup of chamomile tea instead of shooting up. Even if I was as comfortable then with my sexuality as I am now, even if I'd had an insatiably horny partner, shagging just isn't a substitute for the intensely soothing effect of engaging in an addiction.

Sounds like the doctor was a weirdo.

 

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On 7/11/2022 at 6:10 PM, dwest said:

Trust yourself.

I was always told, "Don't trust yourself."  Funny thing was, after many years of not trusting myself, I realized I was pretty much the only person I could trust.

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14 hours ago, thylacine said:

I was always told, "Don't trust yourself."  Funny thing was, after many years of not trusting myself, I realized I was pretty much the only person I could trust.

Mine is more of a scientific approach. Our confirmation bias, imperfect senses, and unconscious alteration of that which we do perceive all lends to pretty much a Don't trust people's observations/memories, least of all your own. Really, swap to testing. That has the highest basis for confidence.

Too often I see 'trusting oneself' as justification for being prejudiced, dismissive, and angry. Rarely the reverse, and even more rarely accurate.

If someone is saying trust yourself with regards to what you feel is happening, and you are fully, genuinely, open to being wrong and altering your life when you figure it out. That's all good news. But when I'm certain of something that's when I should be the least willing to move forward on that information, and instead, test myself then act based upon the data of the testing. I try to do this in all things, whenever possible, and repeated as often as I can. That changed my life significantly for the better, grew my accuracy confidence, and has allowed me to alter my entire structure of understanding the world multiple times (in good and more accurate ways). YMMV, however.

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On 7/12/2022 at 6:43 AM, Philip027 said:

Picture this -- someone asks you out, but you just aren't feeling it, so you politely tell them no.  But this other person was taught in a way that has them believe that if they just keep at it, keep trying harder, they could have you.  Feeling disturbed yet?

This is the basis of American romance (at the very least, if not others). Littered through our movies, media, magazines. "Playing hard to get", and the stories always told in happy smiling, laughing faces, "He asked me out 50 times, and I finally said yes." It's why men spend so much time messaging women on dating apps, again and again and again, to 'wear them down'. We should be teaching people how to 'build themselves up'. Definitely agree.

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Anything along the lines of "fake it until you make it" and "just keep trying". It only left me wondering why I was doing "The Right Things", but not finding it very rewarding, not feeling the same thing that everyone else was feeling, etc. To this day I still struggle with figuring out what I want and who I am because there was way too much faking it that it became almost natural to me (although the feeling of "something is wrong" still persisted). It definitely has contributed to my low self-worth and sense of inadequacy.

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11 hours ago, dwest said:

This is the basis of American romance (at the very least, if not others). Littered through our movies, media, magazines. "Playing hard to get", and the stories always told in happy smiling, laughing faces, "He asked me out 50 times, and I finally said yes." It's why men spend so much time messaging women on dating apps, again and again and again, to 'wear them down'. We should be teaching people how to 'build themselves up'. Definitely agree.

There are a lot of problems with the behaviors that often get "romanticized" like this, and I think there are a lot of people that don't stop to think about how creepy these behaviors actually would be in reality.

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2 minutes ago, Philip027 said:

There are a lot of problems with the behaviors that often get "romanticized" like this, and I think there are a lot of people that don't stop to think about how creepy these behaviors actually would be in reality.

Yes. So many romance movies end up being a how-to be a stalker, film. 

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I know the worst advice I ever gave:  It was to someone who was unhappy in their relationship, but couldn't figure out why. Their partner seemed perfect in every way, but they just had lost that spark.   I told them they should stay that their partner was a good person and deserved it.

 

I think that was 30 years ago - and I've always wished I could take that back.

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Get an air conditioner, it's on special offer for £999 just for this month.

I've now heard the same script from three people and inwardly laughed. They must work for the company.

I'll stick to -

having moist throat and eyes;

 

using less electricity for the sake of a couple of weeks a year;

 

Not spending that amount of cash;

 

Not having a hole bored in the wall of my new house;

 

Not being a sheep.

 

Although we're having a two week heatwave, there are healthier, better ways of keeping cool. Plant greenery, use your freezer and a pet cooling mat, shut curtains and windows on the sunny side....

The UK is still a temperate area for now ( maybe it'll change in another decade, but till then I can make my own decisions).

 

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8 hours ago, Lilibulero said:

Although we're having a two week heatwave, there are healthier, better ways of keeping cool. Plant greenery, use your freezer and a pet cooling mat, shut curtains and windows on the sunny side....

In the U.S. heat waves kill tens of thousands of people each year. In a lot of these places the people don't have access to other means, they can't plant greenery on their roofs, or whatnot. So, getting an a/c is definitely a life saver in many situations.

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Thankfully @dwest, it's not that serious here, so these measures aren't needed.

 

If things are so serious in the US, why isn't there a mass tree planting going on? Roofs are one thing, but forests are another.

It's quite disturbing that this many people can die as a side effect of oil addiction and it sounds like a trade off. It's happening here too and no action will be taken till we're under 9 feet of flood ( like Sydney in Australia has been recently), or there's one big wildfire like Portugal and Spain are having.

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1 hour ago, Lilibulero said:

If things are so serious in the US, why isn't there a mass tree planting going on? Roofs are one thing, but forests are another.

Parts of North America aren't suited to tree planting, first of all.  If it historically was a grassy plain when the first Europeans showed up, there's probably not enough water to grow trees.

 

Second of all, you're assuming the existence of land that isn't already occupied by something.

 

Third, the climate really is not the same.  In London, England, the average daily high in August is 23.4C.  In Atlanta, Georgia (to pick a large US city at semi-random), the average daily high in August is 36C (temperatures per Wikipedia).  Not all of the US gets that hot, of course, but large parts of it, especially inland (the ocean is a great heatsink, and no part of the UK is far from it) can and do.  Some are worse.  Your measures do help a bit, but they can't lower the indoor temperature by 10-12C, which is what's required here.

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Lysandre, the Star-Crossed

"Violence is never the answer."

 

No, it absolutely is the answer in some cases. I spent months being bullied because I trusted adults would do the right thing and help me like they said they would. Turns out all it took to stop it was to fight back and back the bullies down. 

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18 hours ago, Lysandre, the Star-Crossed said:

"Violence is never the answer."

 

No, it absolutely is the answer in some cases. I spent months being bullied because I trusted adults would do the right thing and help me like they said they would. Turns out all it took to stop it was to fight back and back the bullies down. 

Agreed, as humans species most of us don't want to listen and for most I think it takes some "beating" into people to get them to listen, bullies won't leave people alone because an adult told them to, there still going to do what there going to do because they think the have an "advantage" over you and people can only put up with so much sh*t sometimes you have to beat some sense into to those morons, so I agree in most cases violence has to be the answer or else the same crap happens over and over and over again.

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Lord Jade Cross
On 7/15/2022 at 3:30 AM, Lysandre, the Star-Crossed said:

"Violence is never the answer."

 

No, it absolutely is the answer in some cases. I spent months being bullied because I trusted adults would do the right thing and help me like they said they would. Turns out all it took to stop it was to fight back and back the bullies down. 

I used to hear this so much  then you would get a beating for everything, even standing up for yourself

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Lysandre, the Star-Crossed
16 minutes ago, Lord Jade Cross said:

I used to hear this so much  then you would get a beating for everything, even standing up for yourself

Don't pick a fight you're not willing and able to win, many people fail to consider that second part. "Where there's a will, there's a way" is also bullshit advice. Sometimes it's "won't", sometimes it's "can't"

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Lord Jade Cross
43 minutes ago, Lysandre, the Star-Crossed said:

Don't pick a fight you're not willing and able to win, many people fail to consider that second part. "Where there's a will, there's a way" is also bullshit advice. Sometimes it's "won't", sometimes it's "can't"

Even if I did win the fight, my parents would give me a beating for fighting in the first place regardless of who started it, so my options were always get beat/picked on or get beat/picked on and then get a beating from my parents. There was no way to win.

 

Also agree with the latter. Everyone always claimed that not achieving something was a result of not trying hard enough. You could systematically go through every single method told would work and if it didnt, it was your fault

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Professional development group in college telling me I needed to find my one true passion and get a job in that. Stupid. Much better to just find a job that's adequate- pays the bills and doesn't drive you mad. 

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Lysandre, the Star-Crossed
20 minutes ago, yellow beet said:

Professional development group in college telling me I needed to find my one true passion and get a job in that. Stupid. Much better to just find a job that's adequate- pays the bills and doesn't drive you mad. 

This, 100%. Within reason you have to go by what is the best value, now what makes you the happiest or pays the best. Generally the right option is somewhere between those.

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On 7/16/2022 at 6:34 PM, Lysandre, the Star-Crossed said:

Don't pick a fight you're not willing and able to win, many people fail to consider that second part. "Where there's a will, there's a way" is also bullshit advice. Sometimes it's "won't", sometimes it's "can't"

How can you get good at fighting if you don't just practice? That's what I did. I picked fights specifically with people I couldn't win, just to get better at it. Agreed fully on the will, there's a way, mentality. That's ridiculous, like people who believe karma will get back at 'evil people' or 'crime doesn't pay'. Of course it does. I think those were all created by the same person. :D

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J. van Deijck

It's not necessarily an advice I got, but I've heard someone say "Accept yourself as you are" to a trans person suffering from pretty severe dysphoria.

 

Spoiler

Like, people even kill themselves because of such "advices" because their bodies are their source of suffering. Clearly lack of understanding the subject here.

 

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