lost for answers

[sadman]

I'm a sexual male of 60 . Ive been through a war, a divorce , and the death of a sexual wife of 34 years. I met my present wife 4 years ago. In the beginning we talked a lot and I learned that her past husbands had been pretty much butt heads. I just figured that with patients and love that she would see that all men are not that way. I figured that with a lot of love and patients that she would become as sexual as I am.

Wrong as time went on I learned more of her past. Things just didn't add up. She couldn't have a climax with out a viberator, no matter how hard I tried to get close to her it seemed she became more distant. Then I was cleaning house and happened by the TV as the show about Asexual people was on. Well as they went on the pieces of the puzzle came together. So now I have a wife that cares about me the same as clothes or shoes, cats , it like I'm here and that is about it. I love her and don't know what to do or how can I go on loving someone that cares more for her work that she does me. I'm lost , don't know where to go , what to do. What should I do????

[WendyO]

Stay on AVEN and read numerous post. So many of us are with you as sexuals married to ASexuals. Keep reading.

[M51]

Hey,

I can't tell you what to do. I wish I could.

For a lot of asexuals, sexual activity alienates us from our partners. So what you saw as trying your hardest to please she may have felt was building a huge wall between you.

If she is asexual, it is probably not that she cares about you as much as shoes or cats. Many asexuals are capable of intense romantic love. It;s just that we do not express it the way you (sexuals) do, and it ends with both of us feeling like our signals have been rejected, and as if the other person does not care/understand us.

So if her sense of being pressured to be sexual has driven a wedge between you, AND you are speaking different languages as far as emotional intimacy goes, it could seem like she does not care about you.

I suggest talking to her about how she feels about sex, if it is indeed making her feel alienated from you. If that is the case then you still have the huge hurdle of sexual compatibility to cross, but at least you have a more defined problem.

As for the differences in how you express your feelings for each other, ask her if there are ways you can show your love for her that do not involve sexual activity, and maybe ask her if she can help affirm her love for you in certain (nonsexual) ways because you are not getting her signals.

I say that both of these should involve nonsexual signals because at the moment the nonsexual stuff is what you can both agree on. The sexual stuff has to be dealt with separately. Trying to build intimacy through an activity that is still contentious is just not going to work. Maybe as you get better at reading each other's signals you can start to ask her for some sexual expressions of her love but I think first you should sort them out separately.

Good luck with everything. Unfortunately if she has 40 years of building that huge wall of sexual alienation and lack of communication (the foundations having been set by her previous husbands) it may be hard to tear down....

[mindlife]

So now I have a wife that cares about me the same as clothes or shoes, cats , it like I'm here and that is about it. I love her and don't know what to do or how can I go on loving someone that cares more for her work that she does me.

If she loves these things at the exclusion of yourself, you should simply find someone else.

Period.

If you want a sexual, find a sexual. There are many more of them than there are of us.

Also, asexuality is an endemic condition, one in which it is more natural to avoid than to accept sexual contact. It is not brought about by experience, and it is not the result of conscious decision-making.

[mindlife]

no matter how hard I tried to get close to her it seemed she became more distant.

Physically? Emotionally? Both?

These are the questions you should be asking. Ultimately, your perceptions are the most important thing with respect to her, if you are to keep yourself from being hurt.

[thylacine]

"So now I have a wife that cares about me the same as clothes or shoes, cats , it like I'm here and that is about it." I'm sure she cares about you more than her shoes & clothes. Just because someone does not have the same interest in sex, doesn't mean they don't love you. Sex and Love are not exactly the same thing. We are not dead souless machines, you know.

[osito]

My first suggestion would be that you invite her to come here and learn about her asexuality.

I agree with the others who've said that she is very unlikely to be feeling about you as she does about clothes, shoes and cats. I am a romantic asexual, and I can attest to an ability to tumble romantically for another person. It does not happen often, but when it does, it is deep and genuine.

It may be that forty years of buttheads have created insurmountable obstacles. Or...it may be that your mutual exploration of asexuality will take you into a space worth inhabiting together, wherein some sort of compromise is possible. In any case, you might consider setting aside attempts at sexual intimacy and instead work in "safe space" while you get your new footing.

osito

[Anneym]

This is my first time to post. I just found AVEN. I think my husband may be asexual. I understand that you expected more from your wife sexually. I expected snugging and romantic cuddling, as well as sex. My precious husband doesn't enjoy cuddling, touching, anything like that and seems to shudder at the thought of sexual closeness. He is kind and honest and moral. Which is the exact opposite of my first husband. I have worked hard to never be a victim of spousal abuse again. I married mypresent husband because I trusted him to always be respectful and kind to me, which he is absolutely. We seem to be best freinds and pals. I'm confused about what our relationship really is. I don't think it's really marriage. Your thoughts are appreciated.

[thylacine]

Hi Anne. Sorry to hear of your problems... maybe he's asexual. But if he is, that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, okay? If he's asexual, remember asexual people can feel love, they're just not interested in "all this sex stuff."

[Chiaroscuro]

We seem to be best freinds and pals. I'm confused about what our relationship really is. I don't think it's really marriage. Your thoughts are appreciated.

Thylacine said it perfectly: sex and love are two different things. In fact, you said it yourself: you're best friends and pals. That's a kind of love. It can be a very deep kind of love. What you don't have is a mate (which is why you don't feel "married"). It's tough to untangle the idea of love and sex for a sexual person. My feelings toward my mate are totally different than in any other kind of relationship. For me, those feelings are fundamentally human... part of what MAKE me human. When love is involved, those feelings fill your heart. My love for my parents, my asexual wife, my children all fill my heart, but in an entirely different way.

Which of course, is the disconnect. Asexuals want to feel that romantic connection too, but for them, sexuality isn't the defining feature of what makes a mate a mate.

-Chiaroscuro

[Amcan]

I agree with Chiaroscuro and thylacine a lto of asexuals fall in love.

But of course the only person who cna know if they are asexual or if they want to use is your spouse themself.

Showing them AVEN might help.