when did you realize that you were asexual? some questions

[frustr8ed]

I realize that coming to the conclusion that you're asexual has got to be difficult

I'm sexual and am trying to see this from another angle

When did you conclude that you're asexual?

have you had many bad relationships as a result?

I'm sure you thought to yourself at one point that there's something wrong... I should like this...everyone else does?

I'm just trying to get some insight on this as I'm trying to approach this with my wife and a therapist and I don't know where this is going to go.

[Camella]

You'll follow your lifes chart where ever it takes you.

Hay House Radio:

http://www.hayhouseradio.com/

[............]

Basically, I was talking with one of my friends, about how I really had no desire to be in a relationship with anybody. I had known and said before, that I did not feel any particular attraction to anybody, beyond that of friendship, except in a few cases, and even then, it did not equate to a desire to have sex. I'm not aromantic, per se; I just tend not to go for relationships.

I came to these conclusions separately from the conclusion of asexuality; but the word seemed to fit, so I took it.

I have, so far, not had any romantic relationships, so I can't tell you the specific results of these.

I'm not sure that everyone thought there was something wrong at one point; as for me, I didn't feel like something was wrong, so much as a curiosity as to why other people tended to have so many romantic relationships.

Basically, the only advice I can give is to try to compromise. Make sure that you just treat your wife's disinterest in sex as a preference, not something that is right or wrong, and see where you can go from there, and what you can do to make both of you content with the relationship.

[mindlife]

When did you conclude that you're asexual?

I did so after looking at my life and how I have reacted time and again to sexual contact and my persistent failure to initiate it or be enthusiastic about it, and my persistent avoidance of it.

have you had many bad relationships as a result?

Bad?

No. A bad relationship is one in which a person feels oppressed or confined.

I'm sure you thought to yourself at one point that there's something wrong... I should like this...everyone else does?

Everyone else appears to.

Everyone else wants to use it in their relationships to communicate, as the quintessential form of loving attention.

Was there something wrong?

I didn't think so. I didn't because my avoidance was endemic to me, and more natural than enthusiasm.

I'm just trying to get some insight on this as I'm trying to approach this with my wife and a therapist and I don't know where this is going to go.

I think the therapist is a good idea, provided said individual knows about asexuality.

I have significant others myself, and I suspect, in their heart of hearts, they have no desire to believe that I'm asexual or that asexuality is real.

But this is a genuine way of life. It is so because I and others like me do not feel afflicted.

[Ten]

This is a similar thread:

http://asexuality.org/discussion/viewtopic.php?t=25523

[emmarainbow]

Yeah... I realised I was when I heard the definition and thought 'that's me!'

I never got into a relationship really; I was too inept!

I thought there was something very wrong with me, until I reconsidered what makes a person 'broken'.

[M51]

Frustr8ed,

Reading your posts it is apparent that you are doing some serious soul-searching. I really hope you manage to work this out and applaud you for looking beyond your own experience to try to understand your wife's experiences. So I am going to give you some detailed answers and hopefully they help. The answers to all your questions sort of blend together in my story so here is just my story:

I had a few false starts. For a long time I did not realize that there was supposed to be an actual urge for sex. I thought it was something a couple decided to do like they might decide to go to a movie. I heard people talking about being horny but it didn't really hit me that there was actually a drive. The cuddling and caressing (caressing as opposed to groping, there is a distinct difference in my mind) was nice, and I knew the boys liked having their penises touched but it never occurred to me that I should enjoy having my vulva touched. I thought sex was just the final step on the relationship ladder, and that when you did it it was supposed to be this great wonderful thing. So the fact that I felt no urge to do it did not strike me as strange; I assumed that when I decided to do it it would be wonderful. The mechanical description of what was supposed to happen did nothing for me; I seriously thought it would be an almost mystical experience of connection with the other person, because that is the way people talked about it.

It wasn't. But I figured maybe I hadn't done it right, or it hadn't been the right guy. So I tried again with a few boyfriends, and still...nothing. I even asked a very good friend of mine to help me out - we cared about each other a lot and I knew he was...skilled...in bed, from the talk. It was nice being the absolute focus of his attention (he set about it with the mindset that everything was for me, nothing for him, so there was not the usual phallo-centrism that can make it crappy even for sexual women), but...I would have rather watched a movie, had a long discussion, or listened to him play guitar. At that time I toyed with the idea of calling myself asexual, but when I mentioned this to a few friends they told me that an asexual reproduced with itself, and since that clearly did not describe me I dropped the term. I ceased having relationships for two years, and with neither a word for what I was nor a need to define it (since I had no relationships) I simply dropped it and focused on other things.

When I was 22 I met someone and had a whirlwind romance with him. He was very sexual and very sexually demanding and I gave and gave and gave because I thought I was supposed to and because I did not want to lose him. It was not long before I realized that 1) he had an actual drive for sex, it was not simply something you could decide to do or not, and that I did not have this drive, and 2) I not only did not like it, but doing it actually was causing me psychological damage. I continued to struggle with this but everything else in the relationship was great so I dealt with it. We were forced to live apart, so when we saw each other sex was the first and last thing on his mind. I thought that his sexual demands would level out or decrease once we lived together, since he would not have to "do without" for such long stretches of time. He also assured me that it was our long separations that caused him to be so lusty whenever we did see each other. It soon became apparent that as long as we were not married we would never be in the same state. Fully believing that the sex problem would get better if we could just live together, and that everything would then be wonderful, we got married so we could be stationed together.

Unfortunately he was either lying or deluded, because from the moment he moved in my life became a living hell with him pressuring me every minute of every day to be sexual. Not necessarily just to have sex, but he wanted me to masturbate every day because he thought I would develop sexual feelings if I did it. He pressured me to try all kinds of herbal and over the counter remedies. And his sexual demands became more frequent and he also started demanding "variety".

My ability to compromise plummeted; his desire/ability to be understanding disappeared. In Aug '04 he found AVEN and showed it to me, thinking it was a therapy site that would help fix me by making me sexual. The second I saw the home page I knew it was me, and needless to say AVEN did not make me sexual. I tried to use the knowledge on AVEN to find new ways to compromise with him that were tolerable to me, but he turned into a brick wall and refused to do anything to work with me. On Nov 2 '04 he filed for divorce because I had refused to have sex with him that weekend.

I was devastated, but the sudden freedom from sex was amazing and I got over him faster than I had gotten over high school crushes. AVEN helped a lot, also. I realized that as an asexual I could not pursue relationships the same way as a sexual girl would.

Three months after the divorce was final, I met a nice guy and decided to try sex with him, just to make sure that I really was asexual and that it was not simply the negative experience with my ex-husband that had made me that way. Though my boyfriend was extremely understanding, was willing to try anything I asked, and did not ever pressure me for sex, I still did not like it. So I decided I was really and truly asexual.

Once that relationship ended I found that I simply could not compromise any more. I suppose that if I were already in a relationship with a caring, sexual male I might have continued to compromise, but in trying to find new relationships, sex always came up before I had established the necessary emotional commitment to put myself through that again so I found myself less and less able to even fathom having sex with someone again.

I have since had one major relationship with someone who knew I was asexual from the onset. He agreed that he knew what he was getting into and never pressured me even for a kiss. The relationship ended for other reasons, but I do not consider it a negative experience; in fact his approach to my asexuality was one of the best I have experienced.

I have also had a few "false start" short relationships where the person knew I was asexual and wanted to pursue a romantic relationship despite that. Some of them ended because the guy realized he could not make do without sex and some of them ended for other reasons.

I have offered on several occasions to let the guy go elsewhere for his sexual needs; so far every single one has said he could not bring himself to do that.

Hope all that helps.

[l'héros]

I have honestly just never wanted to have sex. The more that I felt that it was required, the more I found it completely undesireable (however this may be only because I was forced to think about it more). I always wanted romantic love, and I'm pathetic because I love « chick flicks », but sex has never been a desire of mine. I suppose that I knew that I was asexual when I heard of the term, but that is only because before I didn't know what to « call myself ». I have always been asexual, though.

I wondered in puberty if I was gay because while I thought the nude female form was beautiful, I found the idea of sex still disgusting... When my friends talked about porn, I didn't see the appeal, and when I watched anything with intercourse I would turn away in disgust during these scenes. How could anyone get pleasure from watching this?!?!?!? I would always just fantasizw about holding a girl in my arms as we watched the sunset or something cheesy like that.

Yet I still wasn't attracted to men, either. I wondered this for years, long before I was diagnosed with depression or on meds (so I know it's not a result of that), until I just accepted the fact that what I am, I can't change, and I wouldn't if I could. This self-realisation, without all of the BS that is preached on the television, occured only recently and it's something I still have to work with, but I'm not at all ashamed to be asexual.

That said... I do worry that I'll never be in a relationship.

I never have been. Never had a girlfriend, never kissed. I have dated, but I never knew when to « make a move », not sexually, but just like, a kiss or something (although I don't even know if I'd enjoy kissing, I've never tried), and as a result it was misinterpreted that I was just cold or nerdy or whatever. Clubs are the worst; I go there and there's all this sexual dancing and just people being sexual, and I can't do it. I don't even know what to do. I just feel all alone and go sit somewhere by myself until my friends want to leave... It's just not for me, but I tried. I really did.

At university, it's especially doubtful that I'd find someone to have a non-sexual relationship with... And I can't blame them. From how my female friends talk, they really enjoy sex, and I couldn't deprive someone of it if they want it that much. I just... don't.

[Amcan]

2.27PM 3rd March 2005 when I found AVEN.

Until then I thought I was just weird.

[FISH']

I realize that coming to the conclusion that you're asexual has got to be difficult

I'm sexual and am trying to see this from another angle

When did you conclude that you're asexual?

have you had many bad relationships as a result?

I'm sure you thought to yourself at one point that there's something wrong... I should like this...everyone else does?

I'm just trying to get some insight on this as I'm trying to approach this with my wife and a therapist and I don't know where this is going to go.

I realised I was asexual about a year ago when a man on the internet explained to me that my disinterest in sex was similar to that of his ex-wifes. He mentioned the word asexual and a few minutes later, I had enough information to conclude that I was asexual. I had it alot easier than most asexuals, because I had a tremendous amount of help in realising myself.

I have had no relationships, and I don't plan to.

I never really thought about sex that much, and I never realised how much other people were into it. I had tried to look at porn in the past to see if I would get a rise out of it, but I didn't. I just thought I had difference preferences or that I would grow into it.

Bear in mind that I'm only 15, so my experiences are not much compared to everyone else here. I think I'm still the youngest on AVEN...?

P.S Despite my age, I'm 101% certain that I'm asexual.

[Usernamecolonasterisk]

I realize that coming to the conclusion that you're asexual has got to be difficult

I'm sexual and am trying to see this from another angle

When did you conclude that you're asexual?

have you had many bad relationships as a result?

I'm sure you thought to yourself at one point that there's something wrong... I should like this...everyone else does?

I'm just trying to get some insight on this as I'm trying to approach this with my wife and a therapist and I don't know where this is going to go.

Firstly, I have to say that it wasn't 'difficult' in any way realising that I was aseuxal. More of a relief, really. All those worries that come with sex, performance etc, are not a problem for me.

I 'concluded' I was asexual when I talking to a girl whom I like and thought that I didn't actually desire to have sex with her, or any other girls previously - sure I may have thought them beautiful, but not actually 'hot'.

No.

Also, no.

[Whee]

I realize that coming to the conclusion that you're asexual has got to be difficult

Not necessarily.

When did you conclude that you're asexual?

Last year. I realized that I really don't want sex in a relationship, then I googled a bit because I had a suspicion, and when I found out that term "asexuality" was not only in my head, I knew that I was asexual.

have you had many bad relationships as a result?

"As a result" as in "after I realized I'm asexual"? No. I didn't have any relationships since last year.

I'm sure you thought to yourself at one point that there's something wrong...

I can't speak for the majority of people here, but in my case I can truly say, that I never felt wrong about me. Unsure, yes. But not wrong.

[Gavroche80]

It was a relief for me, especially when I decided that I wasn't going to try to date just to "fit in." I've never been in a relationship, although I've known maybe two or three women in my life that I guess you could say I had a crush on. Personally, I don't understand the fuss over sex. I do have a sex drive (sometimes high, sometimes low, since I have a hormone disorder), but I consider it an annoying distraction, and I don't have a "need" for human intimacy. If I never have sex in my life, I won't be disappointed or sad about it. I was off my medication for a while, and my libido pretty much dropped to below zero...I couldn't have been happier, and I was apprehensive about resuming my treatment (although my desire to get back in shape outweighed my distaste for the return of my sex drive).

I guess I did feel for a while that I must be broken, since everyone else was having relationships, and I wasn't. I have been very happy and content since I came to the conclusion that there's nothing wrong with not being sexual.

[Nico-Nico Friendo]

I didn't know what my sexual orientation was until I started searching around for information on the topic. None of the sexual orientations seems to fit me: hetero, homo, bi . . .

Then I saw 'asexual' and found this place. I read about other peoples' experiences on AVEN and that's when I thought, "Wow! I can actually relate to these people! They are like me!"

I'm actually happier knowing I'm asexual because I feel as if I've solved a missing piece of the picture of my self. I always wondered what my sexual orientation was and now I found the one that fits me the best.

So, I'm not really sad about being asexual, but sometimes I wonder about my future and if I ever will find 'the right person' or if I will have to live my life alone. Maybe being alone isn't so bad, though. I'm still trying to figure out how to interact with other people and be happy with myself for who I am.

[ratatosk_lemur]

In my case, it never occurred to me to be interested in sex or relationships, or even that other people would be, until around 12th grade or so, when I realized that other people were and that my friends had been in relationships for a couple years and I hadn't noticed. (I'm an aspie.) Even then, I never thought of it as something I could conceivably want to do.

[Octarine]

I found the term "asexual" when I was thirteen and in a state of wild confusion. Am I straight? No, so am I gay? No, so am I bi because I dislike both sexes equally? :lol: It took me a few months to fully decide that the word belonged to me.

[ghosts]

When did you conclude that you're asexual?

Maybe I was around 20 or 21? I'm not sure.

have you had many bad relationships as a result?

No.

I'm sure you thought to yourself at one point that there's something wrong... I should like this...everyone else does?

Maybe after I found AVEN, but I can't really recall feeling like something was really wrong with me before I identified as asexual. I guess it was never too big a deal with me- just figured I wasn't into it like others.

[square peg]

Think I was 15 or 16. I realised that what I felt when I had 'crushes' was not what other people did and didn't seem to be developing into it, either. Suddenly occurred to me that the way I felt about my fetish was the way others felt about other human beings, which blew me away. Don't know how I didn't figure this out until then, as it seems so obvious now, but I didn't immediately make the connection.

[ghostgurl]

When did you conclude that you're asexual? A couple of years ago.

have you had many bad relationships as a result? No, I've never been in a relationship, never dated, none of that.

I'm sure you thought to yourself at one point that there's something wrong... I should like this...everyone else does? Yes, at the time I just thought sex would happen to me whether I wanted it or not. It never did. Now I know that I don't have to have sex if I don't desire it.

[rosalie]

I realize that coming to the conclusion that you're asexual has got to be difficult

I'm sexual and am trying to see this from another angle

When did you conclude that you're asexual?

have you had many bad relationships as a result?

I'm sure you thought to yourself at one point that there's something wrong... I should like this...everyone else does?

I'm just trying to get some insight on this as I'm trying to approach this with my wife and a therapist and I don't know where this is going to go.

I concluded I was A when I saw so many of my school friends dating, going out, becoming interested in sex, etc and I wasn't (so late teens, early 20's)

The only date I went on, I stopped it pretty quickly because he was sexual and I did not want to sleep with him, s since I left and feeling better without him, I don't consider it a bad relationship...

I thought it might come when I'd meet the right person. Now I've met many people and never had any sex attraction towards them, even if I liked them, so I concluded it was me. I was like that. I did not really what I was like but I knew what I wasn't like and what I did not want.

When I found out about asexuality and AVEN I was very relieved to see other people like me, so realizing I was asexual actually wasn't hard. It was pretty nice to know it was a normal orientation (even if there are fewer asexuals than sexuals).

So much for my little input...

[Placebo]

When did you conclude that you're asexual?

Erm, I'd figured out by the time I was. . . 20, maybe, that for whatever reason my speed on relationships was "slow." Although other people might describe it as "snail-like."

But it wasn't until I was on a different message board and people mentioned asexuality that I started to listen--and it wasn't really them discussing asexuality, which sounded like me, but rather discussing sexuality in all its forms and permutations, which I'd never though about before, that made me realize I was different. I'd always assumed that people were probably just like me, or rather I'd never really thought about it much.

And at that point, yes, things started coming together. . . after I realized what this whole sexual relationship thing really meant on an emotional level. . . and that it was completely different from my entire thought-pattern.

have you had many bad relationships as a result?

Noo. . . .but I made a couple of guys feel really really bad completely unintentionally. After a year or two of being close friends they'd want to start dating, get "serious". . . and I wasn't even ready for holding hands yet. We apparently didn't understand each other. I try and avoid doing that to people now that I know what to look for.

I'm sure you thought to yourself at one point that there's something wrong... I should like this...everyone else does?

I'm just trying to get some insight on this as I'm trying to approach this with my wife and a therapist and I don't know where this is going to go.

Not really. Or only very very rarely. I've only ever inhabited my own head-space, so I have no idea what other people like. I can see the actions, yes. . . but I don't really understand what's going on up there. So I have no basis for defining it as being wrong.

[Eta Carinae]

I realized -- or rather, admitted it -- in high school. I knew that I was supposed to be developing sexual attractions, but I just wasn't: there wasn't anybody I could look at or interact with and have sexual feelings about. I figured I was just a late bloomer, and so I waited. And waited. And waited. And got more and more frightened: what if I was really like this? That wasn't even possible, was it? But desire still hadn't showed up, and so in late high school, I finally started calling myself asexual, even though I still wasn't quite sure if what I was feeling was actually possible. It was... I don't know, a year or so after that that I found AVEN, which was only a few months old at the time.