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frustr8ed

it's gotta be tough to be asexual --- but guess what ....

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luvmybabies

I wasn't talking to you specifically...

It doesn't actually matter. In my opinion, you'd be better off calming down your rhetoric, because you're starting to sound really kind of accusing and making a lot of generalizations that aren't going to be taken so well by everyone.

Most people here aren't pessimists, or if they are, they are that way for a reason. Most of the sexual people on here are in a lot of pain and don't need to be mocked by someone typing stuff like "Oh noes!!1! EMO!1!!!!1!". That's just plain rude. You may feel strongly about the subject, but it's not cool of you to be so dismissive of other people's perspectives.

Well put, thank you. I couldn't have said it better. I don't think that I have put anyone down here. I used the term "rape" in a way that is common place these days. I apologized and moved on for offending..

Now lets stop calling names and grow up and talk about the real issues here.

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mdw

I wasn't talking to you specifically...

It doesn't actually matter. In my opinion, you'd be better off calming down your rhetoric, because you're starting to sound really kind of accusing and making a lot of generalizations that aren't going to be taken so well by everyone.

Most people here aren't pessimists, or if they are, they are that way for a reason. Most of the sexual people on here are in a lot of pain and don't need to be mocked by someone typing stuff like "Oh noes!!1! EMO!1!!!!1!". That's just plain rude. You may feel strongly about the subject, but it's not cool of you to be so dismissive of other people's perspectives.

Well put, thank you. I couldn't have said it better. I don't think that I have put anyone down here. I used the term "rape" in a way that is common place these days. I apologized and moved on for offending..

Now lets stop calling names and grow up and talk about the real issues here.

I still have NEVER heard anyone use the word rape the way you do and I hang around with many disparate groups of people (who often can't understand what I see in the other groups I hang around with).

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frustr8ed

I wasn't talking to you specifically...

It doesn't actually matter. In my opinion, you'd be better off calming down your rhetoric, because you're starting to sound really kind of accusing and making a lot of generalizations that aren't going to be taken so well by everyone.

Most people here aren't pessimists, or if they are, they are that way for a reason. Most of the sexual people on here are in a lot of pain and don't need to be mocked by someone typing stuff like "Oh noes!!1! EMO!1!!!!1!". That's just plain rude. You may feel strongly about the subject, but it's not cool of you to be so dismissive of other people's perspectives.

very well said

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frustr8ed
What is wrong with wanting to fix my husband? To save my marriage? I see nothing wrong with it. It's not like he is gay and I am trying to make him straight. .....

I don't think there's any fixing... provided your hubby is a true asexual ---- i believe it's an orientation like someone who is gay.

Could you make a truly gay person straight ...NO

trying to put someone in a in situations to change their orientation will lead to incredible stress. and probably the demise of your marriage.

If yr hubby is asexual because of a horrible past.. (LIKE RAPE) then that might be "fixable"

I'm telling you Luvmy -- you need to take your hubby to a therpist so you can both come to a conclusion. and take steps from there.

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faithlessfate
I still have NEVER heard anyone use the word rape the way you do and I hang around with many disparate groups of people (who often can't understand what I see in the other groups I hang around with).

thank you.

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FISH'

It's just an expression. I've never heard anyone use it before, but it's not that big a stretch to think that it means 'pressured into sex' instead of 'forced into sex'. All she means is that she's had to resort to desperate measures to get him to have sex. That's all there is to it. It's my understanding that NYC is a monstrously big place, so there might just be a few hundred/thousand people who use the term. Problem solved. Can we move on to the real issue now?

EDIT: Oh, and yay for BunnyK being back.

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Chiaroscuro
well, at the risk of turning into one of the preachy ones, there's nothing to fix.

I agree with this in the abstract... there are LOTS of A's that are A's because they're wired that way. That was something I had to learn by coming here, though. It's not something that's understood in the larger culture. So I'd give the confused, resentful S's who come here one month to figure that out before jumping on them :)

Second, there are some A's that are not A's because they're wired that way (my wife a case in point). There are a lot of reasons people are non-sexual, and some of them CAN be "fixed", and would make the person happier and whole-er, if that's an expression. So, in cases where we don't know whether or not a spouse is asexually wired, fixing or healing or whatever you want to call it is something that shouldn't be discounted out of hand.

-Chiaroscuro

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Lucy Locket

Is it physically possible for a woman to "rape" a man?

Personally, I've never found it tough to be asexual. I would rather be boiled alive in my own urine than have sex, so being asexual is nice and easy. If you would rather that than go without sex, I can see why you'd have problems being married to an asexual.

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FISH'
Is it physically possible for a woman to "rape" a man?

Yes, but you don't want to know the details. One of my science teachers explained this in explicit detail.

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Lucy Locket
Is it physically possible for a woman to "rape" a man?

Yes, but you don't want to know the details. One of my science teachers explained this in explicit detail.

One of my science teachers used to tell the class all about his sex life. Occupational hazard?

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BunnyK.
EDIT: Oh, and yay for BunnyK being back.

Awwwweh, thanks!! :D :cake:

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ratatosk_lemur
But it is simply an expression used often here in America, meaning that: ---- I always have to be the aggressor if sex is going to happen.

I find this quite condescending. I'm from NYC, NY in AMERICA... and I've NEVER heard someone use that term in that way. EVER.

I'm from Washington, DC and live in Los Angeles, and I've never heard the term used that way, ever, either!

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ratatosk_lemur
I don't think asexuals have a right to comment on whether sexuals are wrong for wanting sex from their partner. We've never felt the desire, so we can't really comprehend it or pass judgement.

However, the sexuals that come here with the "I absolutely need sex from my partner" attitude shouldn't expect any quick and easy solutions from us. The best you could hope for is comprimise, and if you desperately need sex and your partner is unwilling to do it, then the solution is pretty clear (at least from where I'm sitting).

Got to agree with you here - there is a certain level of preachyness that seems to pervade AVEN that hasn't gone away with time, but every time I see a post proclaiming that someone's asexual partner needs to be "fixed" I find myself wanting to give someone an electric shock through the computer.

What is wrong with wanting to fix my husband? To save my marriage? I see nothing wrong with it. It's not like he is gay and I am trying to make him straight. He is a man, I am a woman, we are married. Sex is natural and fun, why not try to find a way to change this problem? I see nothing wrong with it. Better then going out and cheating on him, I'd rather get to the root of the problem, fix it, if it's possible, and move on.....

I agree that it's rather condescending to say that your husband needs to be fixed because you think "sex is natural and fun" and he doesn't. He would be just as reasonable for him to say he wanted to fix you, and presumably you would find that offensive.

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............

I wasn't talking to you specifically...

It doesn't actually matter. In my opinion, you'd be better off calming down your rhetoric, because you're starting to sound really kind of accusing and making a lot of generalizations that aren't going to be taken so well by everyone.

Most people here aren't pessimists, or if they are, they are that way for a reason. Most of the sexual people on here are in a lot of pain and don't need to be mocked by someone typing stuff like "Oh noes!!1! EMO!1!!!!1!". That's just plain rude. You may feel strongly about the subject, but it's not cool of you to be so dismissive of other people's perspectives.

Well put, thank you. I couldn't have said it better. I don't think that I have put anyone down here. I used the term "rape" in a way that is common place these days. I apologized and moved on for offending..

Now lets stop calling names and grow up and talk about the real issues here.

I still have NEVER heard anyone use the word rape the way you do and I hang around with many disparate groups of people (who often can't understand what I see in the other groups I hang around with).

Nor have I. Even among people who are very sexual, 'rape' is still nonconsensual sex, from what I have seen.

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............
What is wrong with wanting to fix my husband? To save my marriage? I see nothing wrong with it. It's not like he is gay and I am trying to make him straight. .....

I don't think there's any fixing... provided your hubby is a true asexual ---- i believe it's an orientation like someone who is gay.

Could you make a truly gay person straight ...NO

trying to put someone in a in situations to change their orientation will lead to incredible stress. and probably the demise of your marriage.

If yr hubby is asexual because of a horrible past.. (LIKE RAPE) then that might be "fixable"

I'm telling you Luvmy -- you need to take your hubby to a therpist so you can both come to a conclusion. and take steps from there.

I agree. However, given what the therapist that luvmy has been seeing seems to have been saying about the husbands disinterest in sex, may I suggest that she not insist that he go to the same one? He may be more willing if he can look for and find someone who won't tell him that his asexuality is something that needs to be 'fixed'.

And, quite honestly, I'm not sure whether or not a therapist who said that it was a problem with your husband is a good one to keep on seeing either; if he (the therapist) continually tells you things that lead you to believe that your husband is broken and needs to be fixed (which vaguely sounds like a means of setting him as a car that needs to be taken into the mechanic or something), and that it's all your husband's problem, it will likely create a bigger rift.

While I understand that you may feel that you've been making compromises, your husband may feel the same way.

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AliceInWonderland

For some reason, I keep having a problem posting. So, I apologize but this is a test.

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Nugas

Not to flog a dead off-hand rape comment, but I've heard it used that way. Not saying that it's good though.

Please continue with more constructive conversation.

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cait

We still have a hot box, no? Because this thread is probably hot box worthy.

*goes off to find a moderator*

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QueenLapis

I'm a sexual person, I found this site after my sister told me she was asexual and I offended her. Wow some of what I'm reading makes me sick... you the person that coerced someone to have sex with them. I think you need some serious counsling. I can relate that it must be difficult to have a sex drive and then feel like its being repressed, but what kind of life did you expect to have with someone that had to be pushed into sex in the first place. Maybe you need to be content with being emotional lovers. Or is it because you say your husband is so highly intelligent and you are not what makes you feel inadaquate? I'm just saying if someone pushed my sister into having sex, I would want to kick their ass. As someone who does enjoy sex I still have been in situations where I felt my partner was demanding something from me that I didn't really want to freely give, and that is wrong. Phisically and emotionally its abuse. Have you ever not been interested in something and people kept pushing it on you and pushing it on you and it made you want it even less. Maybe there are things that you could compromise on if some of the pressure to perform was off... I guess the point of this post is that I didn't realize the extent to which asexuality was legit... I had ignorantly thought my sis was a late bloomer, or possibly a lesbian who felt confined by living with our conservative parents BUT when I offended her I realized the depth of her seriousness, and when I started to research I felt like I had been hit with a mallet because it all made sense.

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Chiaroscuro
Wow some of what I'm reading makes me sick... you the person that coerced someone to have sex with them. I think you need some serious counsling.

Hi Queen,

Welcome to Aven! One of the things that you said that made a lot of sense to me was that learning there was such a thing as asexuality was like being "hit with a mallet". It's a shock to 99% of the people in the world that asexuality even exists. So when someone finds themselves married to an asexual mate (who probably doesn't know he/she is asexual to begin with), it's incredibly confusing. A lot of rage at being trapped in an untenable position, feeling like your partner doesn't really love you or desire you after all. There's a strong urge to deny that. The person loves me, married me, USED to find me desirable. When sex stops happening in a marriage two things happen, not necessarily in this order: First, the sexual person gives the asexual person some space to sort out their feelings... to "come around" to where they used to be. When that doesn't work, the sexual partner starts to try to set up romantic situations, to get their partner in the mood. Tries to dress attractively, take care with their appearance. When that doesn't work, sex becomes a point of contention, argument, tears. My asexual wife always felt pressured by me... she actually said what you said "Have you ever been not interested in something and people kept pushing it on you and pushing it on you and it made you want it even less."

Of course I have. The problem with sex is that an asexual doesn't want it PERIOD, regardless of how much or how little you push. In desperation, the sexual person will try everything they can to get their mate back... their lover.

So I have to disagree that anything expressed in this thread is "sick" or "abusive". It's part of a natural progression in a mixed relationship that will either lead to some sort of compromise, some sort of miserable capitulation on one side or the other, or separation.

That's sad, but it's not abusive.

-Chiaroscuro

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141822

Hey frustr8ed, I'm going to ignore everyone elses posts and just reply to yours.

I do sympathise that it's tough being married to one. I may be asexual but it doesn't matter what your orientation is when there's something in your relationship that is like a major roadblock. It's not like you can just sit down before dinner, talk things over and 'fix everything'. I may not know exactly how you feel, and I never will be able to, but I certainly can see why it would be frustrating.

There is a lot of preaching and i'm sorry it bothers you, it bothers me as well. I mean we complain that sexuals can't accept us for who we are then we turn around and don't accept them for who they are.

Theres nothing wrong with wanting loving affectionate sex. If you ever want or need to talk, by all means pm me.

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Tool1989

Affectionate sex? Well it's not the "sex" that matters. It's the "affectionate" part. You can have sex anywhere and that is the problem. Actually maybe I shouldn't be talking about this stuff cuz imma virgin and I'd like to stay that way. So I dunno....there are other ways to express love and affection. To many people, cuddling is just as good as sex really. Even straight people. I've asked people around my school. I have no clue why I did though :/

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Tool1989

Yeah road blocks are a major factor there as well....you have to compromise to keep the relationship going. How you do it is up to you and her.

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Chiaroscuro
affectionate sex? Well it's not the "sex" that matters. It's the "affectionate" part. You can have sex anywhere and that is the problem.

Actually, my experience is the reverse: I get plenty of affection from my wife, and I can't have sex anywhere! :)

You have to trust me when I say sex and affection are BOTH necessary to a sexual's well-being. They're apples and oranges... they don't replace one another.

-Chiaroscuro

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Zane

If I could throw in my two cents...

If some who is sexual seeks an intimate relationship with an asexual, there are some things they need to learn to accept. From my experience here, I have found that some (a small percentage) of asexuals are willing to compromise with a sexual partner because of their views on sex (I am assuming it is not repulsive to them, but merely unattractive). Others, however, can not handle sex. It repulses them completely. The only way to find out where on the spectrum (not saying that those are the opposite ends, just points) the person lies, you must talk to them. After learned this, you need to make the appropriate sacrifices to uphold this relationship.

If your partner is repulsed by sex, don't assume as any point you are getting sex from them, or that they owe you sex at some point, because that is entirely unfair. You must be willing to accept that your sexual life is going to take a hit for your love life. If your sex life is more important, then the relationship is destined to fail.

However, if someone got into a relationship with someone without knowing they were asexual, the conversation needs to happen as soon as it is found out, and only then decided upon whether or not the relationship should continue.

That was a bit more ranty than I intended, and may make no sense, but it is my thoughts on something resembling the subject.

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Zane
affectionate sex? Well it's not the "sex" that matters. It's the "affectionate" part. You can have sex anywhere and that is the problem.

Actually, my experience is the reverse: I get plenty of affection from my wife, and I can't have sex anywhere! :)

You have to trust me when I say sex and affection are BOTH necessary to a sexual's well-being. They're apples and oranges... they don't replace one another.

-Chiaroscuro

For the sake of clarification, what do you mean by sex? Sexual stimulation, or just outright sex?

Being a sexual, I'd like to think I could live without sex itself, but acknowledge that I could probably not go for any extremely long extended period without sexual stimulation.

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Lucy Locket
affectionate sex? Well it's not the "sex" that matters. It's the "affectionate" part. You can have sex anywhere and that is the problem.

Actually, my experience is the reverse: I get plenty of affection from my wife, and I can't have sex anywhere! :)

You have to trust me when I say sex and affection are BOTH necessary to a sexual's well-being. They're apples and oranges... they don't replace one another.

-Chiaroscuro

Well, plenty of sexuals seem to be able to have sex without caring whether affection is involved. Why else do we have one night stands? It's just they don't seem to care about other forms of affection if they're not getting sex :?

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Chiaroscuro
Well, plenty of sexuals seem to be able to have sex without caring whether affection is involved. Why else do we have one night stands? It's just they don't seem to care about other forms of affection if they're not getting sex

That's my point, they're not connected. Sex is sex and affection is affection. You can't consider yourself in a true, romantic relationship if either one is missing. You can have casual sex, but without affection, it's not a true relationship (hence the term). You can have affection... with a sister, child, parent, friend... but without the sexual component, it's not a romantic relationship. Affection can't just trump desire, as if they were the same thing.

-Chiarosucro

PS: Oh, and Zane, I'm talking about sexuality in all its manifestations. I can masturbate, but that forges no sexual connection with anyone. It doesn't let me know that I'm in a relationship with a woman who desires me. It doesn't allow me to bond, physically, with my beloved. All it does is prevent my body from self-destructing in a giant, screaming explosion. :)

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BunnyK.
giant, screaming explosion

:wink::wink::wink::wink::wink::wink::wink::wink::wink::wink::wink::wink::wink::wink::wink::wink:

Hee hee.

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Lucy Locket

:? Seriously, would that happen? I don't think so.

Although I always thought the "giant explosion" came with the satisfaction of sexual desire ...

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