Jump to content

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

frustr8ed

it's gotta be tough to be asexual --- but guess what ....

Recommended Posts

frustr8ed

it's gotta be tough to be asexual --- but guess what it's tough being married to one too.

I've been struggling with the guilty feeling for wanting something so basic

I put this off for so much time i hate this...

I thought this section of the forum was for support from fellow sexuals, but it's full of asexaul preaching, affection is emotional. I just want loving affectionate sex what's wrong with that.

just venting... it's not easy.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FISH'

Nah, it's pretty easy being asexual.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
T.Van

I don't know what to say. I think it's hard for us to relate since we don't view sex the same way you do. To us, sex can mean the very opposite of showing love and affection. To you sex, is a way of showing love and affection. Both sexual and asexual are frusterated with this in such a relationship. It makes for a very tough dilemma.

This is why I would never marry a sexual . . . for both of our happiness and sanity's sake. I've learned from the mistakes of others how such a marriage usually turns out . . . not good, unfortunately. :(

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
luvmybabies
it's gotta be tough to be asexual --- but guess what it's tough being married to one too.

I've been struggling with the guilty feeling for wanting something so basic

I put this off for so much time i hate this...

I thought this section of the forum was for support from fellow sexuals, but it's full of asexaul preaching, affection is emotional. I just want loving affectionate sex what's wrong with that.

just venting... it's not easy.

OH my gosh, I just found this website and I am right there with you. My husband is asexual (he just doesn't realize it yet). I have diagnosed him. Because it can't be normal to not want sex, even the first week we met, I had to rape him. The night of our wedding, I had to rape him. He just isn't interested. I am 35 and in my prime, how I have gone this long without cheating shows some real interpersonal strength on my part for sure. I walk around naked trying to entice him, and nothing, nothing........He has always been this way, why I married him? I got pregnant. HOw that happened, I do not know.

I feel your pain though, what do we do? Can it be fixed? These are all questions that I ask myself. But then again, I have been deprived for so long now, that I almost just resent him and don't want it from him anyway.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
frustr8ed
it's gotta be tough to be asexual --- but guess what it's tough being married to one too.

I've been struggling with the guilty feeling for wanting something so basic

I put this off for so much time i hate this...

I thought this section of the forum was for support from fellow sexuals, but it's full of asexaul preaching, affection is emotional. I just want loving affectionate sex what's wrong with that.

just venting... it's not easy.

OH my gosh, I just found this website and I am right there with you. My husband is asexual (he just doesn't realize it yet). I have diagnosed him. Because it can't be normal to not want sex, even the first week we met, I had to rape him. The night of our wedding, I had to rape him. He just isn't interested. I am 35 and in my prime, how I have gone this long without cheating shows some real interpersonal strength on my part for sure. I walk around naked trying to entice him, and nothing, nothing........He has always been this way, why I married him? I got pregnant. HOw that happened, I do not know.

I feel your pain though, what do we do? Can it be fixed? These are all questions that I ask myself. But then again, I have been deprived for so long now, that I almost just resent him and don't want it from him anyway.

maybe we should trade spouses ... lol it's better to laugh than to cry ..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
luvmybabies

yes, your wife would have to be very intelligent though. My husband has the highest IQ of anyone I know. I on the other hand am not that highly intelligent. Well, a little, but not anywhere near like my husband is. He needs a woman who can stimulate him mentally, that would be his only sexual pleasure I think...... his mind.

Yes, I agree all you can do is laugh about it. What else is there to do....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
thylacine

I think my life is easier being asexual... I don't have the problems other people have. But then, if I was married, I suppose it would be a pain in the butt, no pun intended... :D

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
emmarainbow

I'm sorry you've been preached at... I feel for you, even if I don't feel quite the same way, I can understand your frustration.

*hugs* and :cake:

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Dargon

What do you expect us to say? "You've been wronged and you should demand sex because you rightfully deserve it?" Not going to say that. We'll say about the only thing we can say. It'll be hard for both of you. Talk about it with her. If she does agree to have sex with you, be aware she's doing it for you and likely gets nothing out of it and there isn't anything that can be done about that issue.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
faithlessfate
OH my gosh, I just found this website and I am right there with you. My husband is asexual (he just doesn't realize it yet). I have diagnosed him. Because it can't be normal to not want sex, even the first week we met, I had to rape him. The night of our wedding, I had to rape him. He just isn't interested. I am 35 and in my prime, how I have gone this long without cheating shows some real interpersonal strength on my part for sure. I walk around naked trying to entice him, and nothing, nothing........He has always been this way, why I married him? I got pregnant. HOw that happened, I do not know.

I feel your pain though, what do we do? Can it be fixed? These are all questions that I ask myself. But then again, I have been deprived for so long now, that I almost just resent him and don't want it from him anyway.

I can't believe the shit i'm reading, You committed the most heinous act of violence, and claimed it was out of LOVE?

Mod? anyone?

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
faithlessfate
I just want loving affectionate sex what's wrong with that.

If you're married to an Asexual? everything. Sorry, but continuing to whine, complain, push, cajole, seduce, or in any other way make your spouse have sex with you, when they're an ASEXUAL is wrong.

I'm a sexual person, frustr8ted. I knew what I was getting into when I asked out browncoatrebel. I would NEVER think of pushing her into something she didn't want, EVEN IF I WAS MONOGOMOUS.

god, you really think Love = sex? go marry a prostitute.

because Love is entirely possible without sex.

Faith(am I the only one who sees clearly?)

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Chozo

OH my gosh, I just found this website and I am right there with you. My husband is asexual (he just doesn't realize it yet). I have diagnosed him. Because it can't be normal to not want sex, even the first week we met, I had to rape him. The night of our wedding, I had to rape him. He just isn't interested. I am 35 and in my prime, how I have gone this long without cheating shows some real interpersonal strength on my part for sure. I walk around naked trying to entice him, and nothing, nothing........He has always been this way, why I married him? I got pregnant. HOw that happened, I do not know.

I feel your pain though, what do we do? Can it be fixed? These are all questions that I ask myself. But then again, I have been deprived for so long now, that I almost just resent him and don't want it from him anyway.

I can't believe the shit i'm reading, You committed the most heinous act of violence, and claimed it was out of LOVE?

Mod? anyone?

She doesn't mean raped in the literal meaning of the word, more that she had to coax him into sex.

Edit: read your follow up post and I'd like to say bravo. We need more people like you posting.

Having a sex drive is natural and I hate those avenites who seem to look down on people for wanting sex but my god it's irritating reading the responses of people who seem to think that it's every person's right to demand it.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
luvmybabies

OH my gosh, I just found this website and I am right there with you. My husband is asexual (he just doesn't realize it yet). I have diagnosed him. Because it can't be normal to not want sex, even the first week we met, I had to rape him. The night of our wedding, I had to rape him. He just isn't interested. I am 35 and in my prime, how I have gone this long without cheating shows some real interpersonal strength on my part for sure. I walk around naked trying to entice him, and nothing, nothing........He has always been this way, why I married him? I got pregnant. HOw that happened, I do not know.

I feel your pain though, what do we do? Can it be fixed? These are all questions that I ask myself. But then again, I have been deprived for so long now, that I almost just resent him and don't want it from him anyway.

I can't believe the shit i'm reading, You committed the most heinous act of violence, and claimed it was out of LOVE?

Mod? anyone?

I guess the word "rape" can seem a bit harsh to some people, especially if the word actually hits "close to home". But it is simply an expression used often here in America, meaning that: ---- I always have to be the aggressor if sex is going to happen.

Sorry if I offended anyone

Moving on now.............

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
luvmybabies
I just want loving affectionate sex what's wrong with that.

If you're married to an Asexual? everything. Sorry, but continuing to whine, complain, push, cajole, seduce, or in any other way make your spouse have sex with you, when they're an ASEXUAL is wrong.

I'm a sexual person, frustr8ted. I knew what I was getting into when I asked out browncoatrebel. I would NEVER think of pushing her into something she didn't want, EVEN IF I WAS MONOGOMOUS.

god, you really think Love = sex? go marry a prostitute.

because Love is entirely possible without sex.

Faith(am I the only one who sees clearly?)

Without sex, you wouldn't be here...........

Enough said..

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
FISH'

I don't think asexuals have a right to comment on whether sexuals are wrong for wanting sex from their partner. We've never felt the desire, so we can't really comprehend it or pass judgement.

However, the sexuals that come here with the "I absolutely need sex from my partner" attitude shouldn't expect any quick and easy solutions from us. The best you could hope for is comprimise, and if you desperately need sex and your partner is unwilling to do it, then the solution is pretty clear (at least from where I'm sitting).

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Chozo
I don't think asexuals have a right to comment on whether sexuals are wrong for wanting sex from their partner. We've never felt the desire, so we can't really comprehend it or pass judgement.

However, the sexuals that come here with the "I absolutely need sex from my partner" attitude shouldn't expect any quick and easy solutions from us. The best you could hope for is comprimise, and if you desperately need sex and your partner is unwilling to do it, then the solution is pretty clear (at least from where I'm sitting).

Got to agree with you here - there is a certain level of preachyness that seems to pervade AVEN that hasn't gone away with time, but every time I see a post proclaiming that someone's asexual partner needs to be "fixed" I find myself wanting to give someone an electric shock through the computer.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Maarek
Without sex, you wouldn't be here...........

Enough said..

I think humans are having no issues with producing enough offspring. Sex is something the world has no shortage of, love on the other hand....

That and of course that the way technology is today, children produced without the sexual act is becoming more and more commonplace. Still I am glad my parents had sex but I am more happy that they loved (and are still madly in love) each other.

Sex is merely one of the many ways in which love can be expressed. The fact that it also can have very benefitial consequences doesn't mean that it's for everyone or even required for love. I would argue that it is more likely to encounter sex without the love than sex on account of love.

Maarek

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Maarek

Oh and....

Communication - "The one word solution to just about any darn relationship problem"

Maarek

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
luvmybabies
Without sex, you wouldn't be here...........

Enough said..

I think humans are having no issues with producing enough offspring. Sex is something the world has no shortage of, love on the other hand....

That and of course that the way technology is today, children produced without the sexual act is becoming more and more commonplace. Still I am glad my parents had sex but I am more happy that they loved (and are still madly in love) each other.

Sex is merely one of the many ways in which love can be expressed. The fact that it also can have very benefitial consequences doesn't mean that it's for everyone or even required for love. I would argue that it is more likely to encounter sex without the love than sex on account of love.

Maarek

I totally agree with you, 100%!

Love is far more important than sex, without a doubt. And to be perfectly honest with you, I hate sex with someone whom I do not love. It is an emotional feeling for me. I feel in love with someone, and then I want to get intimate with them. Not the opposite.

Sex is just the cherry on top of it all for me :-)

I don't have to have sex in my life, but I love it and I want it in my life. Sex is good for you, sex is healthy and fun too.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
luvmybabies
I don't think asexuals have a right to comment on whether sexuals are wrong for wanting sex from their partner. We've never felt the desire, so we can't really comprehend it or pass judgement.

However, the sexuals that come here with the "I absolutely need sex from my partner" attitude shouldn't expect any quick and easy solutions from us. The best you could hope for is comprimise, and if you desperately need sex and your partner is unwilling to do it, then the solution is pretty clear (at least from where I'm sitting).

Got to agree with you here - there is a certain level of preachyness that seems to pervade AVEN that hasn't gone away with time, but every time I see a post proclaiming that someone's asexual partner needs to be "fixed" I find myself wanting to give someone an electric shock through the computer.

What is wrong with wanting to fix my husband? To save my marriage? I see nothing wrong with it. It's not like he is gay and I am trying to make him straight. He is a man, I am a woman, we are married. Sex is natural and fun, why not try to find a way to change this problem? I see nothing wrong with it. Better then going out and cheating on him, I'd rather get to the root of the problem, fix it, if it's possible, and move on.....

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Chozo
I don't think asexuals have a right to comment on whether sexuals are wrong for wanting sex from their partner. We've never felt the desire, so we can't really comprehend it or pass judgement.

However, the sexuals that come here with the "I absolutely need sex from my partner" attitude shouldn't expect any quick and easy solutions from us. The best you could hope for is comprimise, and if you desperately need sex and your partner is unwilling to do it, then the solution is pretty clear (at least from where I'm sitting).

Got to agree with you here - there is a certain level of preachyness that seems to pervade AVEN that hasn't gone away with time, but every time I see a post proclaiming that someone's asexual partner needs to be "fixed" I find myself wanting to give someone an electric shock through the computer.

What is wrong with wanting to fix my husband? To save my marriage? I see nothing wrong with it. It's not like he is gay and I am trying to make him straight. He is a man, I am a woman, we are married. Sex is natural and fun, why not try to find a way to change this problem? I see nothing wrong with it. Better then going out and cheating on him, I'd rather get to the root of the problem, fix it, if it's possible, and move on.....

well, at the risk of turning into one of the preachy ones, there's nothing to fix.

Sex is natural, yes. But so is being asexual. Think how you'd feel if your husband came on here posting about wanting to depress your sex drive so that you'd stop bothering him for sex. I had some sympathy for your position but you come off as being awfully selfish - you expect HIM to change but you don't want to make any changes yourself because you think he's somehow broken?

You know what, I think the best thing for your husband might NOT be "saving" your marriage. If your idea of saving it is to demand he changes to suit you, if you were my wife I'd dump your ass.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Maarek
Without sex, you wouldn't be here...........

Enough said..

I think humans are having no issues with producing enough offspring. Sex is something the world has no shortage of, love on the other hand....

That and of course that the way technology is today, children produced without the sexual act is becoming more and more commonplace. Still I am glad my parents had sex but I am more happy that they loved (and are still madly in love) each other.

Sex is merely one of the many ways in which love can be expressed. The fact that it also can have very benefitial consequences doesn't mean that it's for everyone or even required for love. I would argue that it is more likely to encounter sex without the love than sex on account of love.

Maarek

I totally agree with you, 100%!

Love is far more important than sex, without a doubt. And to be perfectly honest with you, I hate sex with someone whom I do not love. It is an emotional feeling for me. I feel in love with someone, and then I want to get intimate with them. Not the opposite.

Sex is just the cherry on top of it all for me :-)

I don't have to have sex in my life, but I love it and I want it in my life. Sex is good for you, sex is healthy and fun too.

It certainly can be fun and this is something that you and your husband will have to discuss and talk about. I would suggest that you try to not think of him as "broken" in this way. His needs are different than yours on a physical level but to think of it as broken and needing fixing would be akin to thinking that someone that doesn't enjoy chocolate is broken in that regard. That doesn't mean it isn't a problem, but that it is not something that he needs to fix but rather a situation that both of you need to address. You need/want one thing, he needs/wants another, it happens all the time in my marriage and the only time that it ever becomes a big deal is if me and my wife don't communicate and try to reach some form of consensus. There are many many facets of asexuality and some can do just fine in sexual relationships, perhaps he is one of these, some cannot at all (he might be this as well), but most lie somewhere in between in the gray areas and only talking with him will give you the opportunity to come to a happy arrangement.

I wish you the best

Maarek

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
BunnyK.
god, you really think Love = sex? go marry a prostitute.

because Love is entirely possible without sex.

Faith(am I the only one who sees clearly?)

You really need to hop off that high horse. It might be possible for YOU. It wouldn't be for me. I don't judge you for not needing it, so please don't judge me for needing it, okay?

I don't think you're seeing as clearly as you think you are.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Ice Faerie
It's not like he is gay and I am trying to make him straight.

Okay, I'm a sexual who has been lurking on this board, and posting occassionally for a while, but what I've gotten from it, more than anything else, is what you are trying to do is exactly like trying to make a gay person straight.

Asexuality is an orientation.

Simply put,

Some people are sexually attracted to the opp. sex. That is a heterosexual orientation.

Some people are sexually attracted to the same sex. That is a homosexual orientation.

Some people are sexually attracted to both sexes. That is a bisexual orientation.

Some people are sexually attracted to neither sex. That is an asexual orientation.

Its not something you can fix. It is his orientation, it is an intrinsic part of him, it isn't any more wrong than your heterosexuality (or bisexuality, I'm assuming you are one of those) is to you. It is different from yours, yes. But just because someone is different than you are doesn't mean that they are wrong, or broken.

Your husband may or may not be willing to compromise. And that is what it will have to be, a compromise. You can not change his orientation. Neither can he. Talk to him about it, and see how to make it work, but understand that he does not have some disease, that something isn't broken in him. He is different than you, but that doesn't follow that what is different in him is something "wrong".

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
luvmybabies
I don't think asexuals have a right to comment on whether sexuals are wrong for wanting sex from their partner. We've never felt the desire, so we can't really comprehend it or pass judgement.

However, the sexuals that come here with the "I absolutely need sex from my partner" attitude shouldn't expect any quick and easy solutions from us. The best you could hope for is comprimise, and if you desperately need sex and your partner is unwilling to do it, then the solution is pretty clear (at least from where I'm sitting).

Got to agree with you here - there is a certain level of preachyness that seems to pervade AVEN that hasn't gone away with time, but every time I see a post proclaiming that someone's asexual partner needs to be "fixed" I find myself wanting to give someone an electric shock through the computer.

What is wrong with wanting to fix my husband? To save my marriage? I see nothing wrong with it. It's not like he is gay and I am trying to make him straight. He is a man, I am a woman, we are married. Sex is natural and fun, why not try to find a way to change this problem? I see nothing wrong with it. Better then going out and cheating on him, I'd rather get to the root of the problem, fix it, if it's possible, and move on.....

well, at the risk of turning into one of the preachy ones, there's nothing to fix.

Sex is natural, yes. But so is being asexual. Think how you'd feel if your husband came on here posting about wanting to depress your sex drive so that you'd stop bothering him for sex. I had some sympathy for your position but you come off as being awfully selfish - you expect HIM to change but you don't want to make any changes yourself because you think he's somehow broken?

You know what, I think the best thing for your husband might NOT be "saving" your marriage. If your idea of saving it is to demand he changes to suit you, if you were my wife I'd dump your ass.

Well, I am sorry that you are getting yourself so worked up over this issue, it's obviously a very sensitive topic for you. We are simply talking here, and stating opinions, all of us want to understand this topic don't we? I am a very fair person, I have changed a lot to suit his needs, I have "changed" my sex life dramatically by not having sex as often as I would like to, to please him. And because I don't want to make him do something that he doesn't enjoy doing. I have given a little, hell I have given a lot for that matter. I gave up my entire "sex life" so far. Now it's his turn to do the same. I am used to having an active sex life, to me sex and love go hand in hand. It's not that I am forcing him to do it. I would much rather him enjoy it with me, then him being forced to do something that he doesn't want to do, or that makes him feel uncomfortable in doing. I can tell that he is uncomfortable doing it, that is why I don't even attempt at it anymore, when he doesn't enjoy it, then that makes it un-enjoyable for me as well.

I am glad that I have found this website though, it really has changed my views on this whole subject. I used to think that his lack of sexual desire was a personal choice of his, and I (in turn) took it very personally. After finding this website, I know realize that this is not a choice that he is making, and that it's nothing personal against me, and that it's something that is out of his control. So with that being said, I am now more compassioniate about "his" feelings. I just want to understand this whole thing more, and it's almost exciting to finally "think" that I know what the problem might be now, because for so long, I thought that he just didn't find me attractive at all, and that can crush an ego, and in some ways, it already has. But at least now I have some knowledge to go by, and to re-direct my attention with.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
faithlessfate
god, you really think Love = sex? go marry a prostitute.

because Love is entirely possible without sex.

Faith(am I the only one who sees clearly?)

You really need to hop off that high horse. It might be possible for YOU. It wouldn't be for me. I don't judge you for not needing it, so please don't judge me for needing it, okay?

I don't think you're seeing as clearly as you think you are.

It's not a high horse, it's logic. If you can't live without sex, then don't be with an asexual person. it's not a hard concept to understand!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
BunnyK.
It's not a high horse, it's logic. If you can't live without sex, then don't be with an asexual person. it's not a hard concept to understand!

But....I'm not with an asexual person. So calm the heck down!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
faithlessfate
But it is simply an expression used often here in America, meaning that: ---- I always have to be the aggressor if sex is going to happen.

I find this quite condescending. I'm from NYC, NY in AMERICA... and I've NEVER heard someone use that term in that way. EVER.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
faithlessfate

It's not a high horse, it's logic. If you can't live without sex, then don't be with an asexual person. it's not a hard concept to understand!

But....I'm not with an asexual person. So calm the heck down!

I wasn't talking to you specifically...

*headdesk*

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
BunnyK.
I wasn't talking to you specifically...

It doesn't actually matter. In my opinion, you'd be better off calming down your rhetoric, because you're starting to sound really kind of accusing and making a lot of generalizations that aren't going to be taken so well by everyone.

Most people here aren't pessimists, or if they are, they are that way for a reason. Most of the sexual people on here are in a lot of pain and don't need to be mocked by someone typing stuff like "Oh noes!!1! EMO!1!!!!1!". That's just plain rude. You may feel strongly about the subject, but it's not cool of you to be so dismissive of other people's perspectives.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.

×
×
  • Create New...