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Kids or no kids ?


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Geekykitty
On 6/6/2022 at 6:35 AM, StarryNightAllAlone said:

Some people are selfish and choose to have kids without carefully considering what's best for the potential child. I know I'm not meant to have children. My mom wasn't either, but she had kids anyway. That

 

On 6/6/2022 at 7:09 AM, Lord Jade Cross said:

also consider it highly irresponsible how people casually hadve kids as if it was something you go pick up at a store. That, partially in relation to my own situation with my parents, really, really disgusts me

Yes! Having children is a seriously major decision and I know many people who had kids and aren't really capable of taking care of them properly (financial reasons, health issues etc...) or they don't seem to really even like their kids - they're always complaining how annoying the kids are, how much time they take up etc... It's really quite sad for the kids in these situations. Its like people have some vague idea they should have children and just go for it without properly considering whether they're in a good position to care for children or really actually want them and are prepared for the commitment. 

I know I will definitely not have kids. I don't want to have sex and go through pregnancy, also don't want to pass on my crap genes and health issues. I also know I wouldn't have the energy for looking after children properly. I have chronic fatigue as well as anxiety/depression - its a huge effort just taking care of myself let alone another human. I just wouldn't want to inflict myself and my problems on someone else. Its bad enough I have to put up with myself 😫

 

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  • 2 weeks later...
Lord Happy Toast

When I joined AVEN, I wasn't married and didn't have any kids.  Fifteen years later, I'm now married, and I have two kids.  I feel that having children is the best thing I've ever done.

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  • 4 weeks later...

No way in hell for me. Without going into all the reasons why (medical reasons were a good enough reason for my doctor--i have disabilities and can confirm that living with them absolutely gives you a poor quality of life that will be a struggle for one's entire life, plus pregnancy/childbirth could kill me), I was able to get my fallopian tubes removed when I was in my late 20s. I won't date anyone who even "might" want kids, and I won't make an exception to my "no children" rule just because someone's kid is a teen/adult (like, great, so they're breeding age--in a couple years they'll start making Grandma Freya look after their shitty insufferable loud-ass toddler/s regularly, and every couple years thereafter there will be a new kid too--you see the problem). It's a hard nope for me. 

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I think I’d be okay with adopting, but the kids definitely won’t be coming out of my body.

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When I was sixteen, I started getting sort of creeped out by kids.  So I figured I didn't want any biological ones.

 

In 2020, during lockdown, I met a guy online and he has since adopted me :D  I never thought I would be having kids this way, but I am very happy.

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On 6/5/2022 at 11:00 PM, Eutierria said:

How did you you work out if you DEFINITELY didn't or did want kids? 

 

[...]

 

Finding a fellow ace I vibe with is the first challenge. Some aces are clear that they don't want any children (biological or adopted). I have a slight worry of getting into a relationship with someone who's clear they don't want kids & later on, I might start wanting to.

 

Has anyone gone through this stage already - what were your learnings ? 

 

I always found that wanting (or not wanting) kids is one of the deal breakers in relationships. I always wanted kids, not entirely sure why, I think I always thought of myself as potentially a good and loving father. But for these reasons, wanting kids has always been part of the conversation with my partners. It saves time and pain, I guess.

 

Now, I have to say that I have never entered in a relationship with the awareness of being asexual (I have been married 13 years now, and just recently accepted that sex is not for me). But the world is varied enough that I am sure you will find a fellow ace to start a family with - if that is what you end up wanting. 😉

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You know that saying, think carefully before adopting a pet? Well multiply that 1000 fold.

Lots of parents say they forgot what life was like before their children arrived, well it can be a double edged sword. 

 

Broken sleep for up to 2 years, screaming, tantrums are the downside.

 

I think people should think whether their motives are genuine, or whether they're ' a good idea at the time '.

 

Even the most mature, steady person can be severely tried.

 

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Children are hard work at all ages. You keep being told it’s just a phase and they’ll grow out of it. Yes, they do, they change into something even more challenging.  Mine are 23 and 21 now and by far the most obnoxious they have ever been.  Add to that a depressed husband who has finally had to deal with me being asexual and life isn’t currently a bed of roses. Throw some manure on and it might improve over time.

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On 6/5/2022 at 3:30 PM, Eutierria said:
On 6/5/2022 at 3:15 PM, Calliers said:

In any case you have to be in a relationship for quite a while before the whole kids topic comes up.

I thought this too but some aces I've met online who are in their late20s/30s have straight out asked which threw me a bit but I always give an answer as I can understand people in this age range asking. 

 

My cis-het friends argue thus:

By the time you're a well-established adult (say, early-to-mid 30s) you should just know whether or not you want children, and you should be able to say so clearly and with conviction, because (they argue) if you don't know yet, you're not worth spending time on as a potential partner.  The argument continues, for any person who is certain about whether or not they want kids, spending time dating someone who is of the opposite persuasion can only lead to heartache down the line, and dating someone who doesn't yet know or who is non-committal puts you in danger there too.  I have definitely heard these people speak with derision against those who are unsure about whether they want children.

 

Now, I happen to find the strength of their stance pretty upsetting.  My impression is that while many people do know innately that they do/don't want to have children, other people don't feel innately that they do/don't want to have children,   and rather they feel about a particular relationship that they do/don't want to have children with that particular partner.  To my way of thinking, it makes sense to want to work this out with a partner.

 

So I think it is unkind and inappropriate to scorn people who aren't independently sure of what they want.

At the same time, for those people for whom the decision of whether to have children is a prominent part of how they want to experience family, then it makes sense to me that they would want to ask up front and not wait until being in an established relationship.

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On 6/5/2022 at 3:00 PM, Eutierria said:

How did you you work out if you DEFINITELY didn't or did want kids? 

 

It wasn't a decision I ever worked on making.  I just don't.  I could certainly give you reasons for why I don't want children, but at the end of the day, I can't say that any of those reasons is the main reason, and if you individually took apart each reason, that would miss the point.  The reason I don't want children is just that I don't want children.  I also don't want a tatoo; I don't want to go bowling; I don't want to make my own bagels.  It's not that I think any of those things is bad.  I just fundamentally don't want to do them.

 

(By the way, none of those reasons have anything to do with whether I like children.  I work with children!!!  I just don't want any of my own.)

 

 

So how did I figure this out?

Well, when I was a teenager, I had no idea. I probably assumed I would have kids some day, because pretty much all of the adults I knew were parents, and since all of the role models I had available were parents, I didn't really consider other possibilities.

In my early 20s I started to say that I didn't want children, but older women I knew would say, "oh, you're still young.  That will change when you get older."  And because I WAS still young, I believed them.  I figured, "well, these older women really do have more experience than I do, so I guess they know something I don't know."  

But by the time I was in my late 20s, I knew for absolute sure that I didn't want kids, and I haven't changed my mind since.

The thing is, it's not like I ever decided.  I just knew.

 

 

And I think that many people are like that in the opposite direction, also, that they just know that they DO want kids.  And that's okay, too.

 

 

Whichever way one feels, it's important to consider the implications and to  think about how to be responsible about that choice, but it's not a decision you have to be able to defend based on reason.  It is okay just to feel one way or the other.

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  • 2 months later...

To be honest, I have never wanted children in my life. In the first place, I had had never had much opportunity to imagine having children because of my primary amenorrhoea. Even if I were to adopt a child, I would not want to raise a child for many other reasons.

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For me, there is a bit of a struggle between the head and the heart here. There is a small emotional part of me to which the idea of having kid does appeal, however that has always been firmly overridden by the sensible and rational part of me which tells me that it would not be a good idea for me to have a kid, because I may not be the best parent material, and I also do appreciate and enjoy the benefits of being child free in terms of finances and free time.

 

So that being the case, I have always felt that I don’t want kids, and for the most part I have been comfortable with that. However, I have never been in the mindset that I DEFINITELY don’t want kids. It’s more a case of I have always felt that I don’t want kids right now or in the immediate future, but that I don’t know what I may or may not want in the more medium to long term future. And that has never changed; I still feel right now in my 40s as I have always felt, which is that I don’t want kids right now or in the immediate future.

 

But even though I have never felt that I want any kids, I am now in my 40s and the realisation that the time is very fast approaching beyond which it will be too late and I would not be able to change my mind does bother me a little bit.

 

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Rain dancer81

I have kids and love them and they are my whole world. I’ve wanted kids my whole life and I’m glad I didn’t figure out I was ace until after I had them. Since I figured out I was ace it’s been like opening Pandora’s box and I never want to have sex again. 

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Never wanted kids, even when J was a kid and didn't know any better than to fantasize about being in a long term relationship.

 Then sometime in my 30s i became very antinatalist.....so.....

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So many responses to catch-up here - hadn't realised my notification settings weren't on for this thread. Thanks to everyone for sharing thoughts/experiences ^_^

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I love kids, but I don't ever want to have them. I've known this since I was in my late teens/early twenties. When I was a kid myself, it seemed like an inevitable thing that would happen when I grew up (societal expectations) so my sister & I discussed names & everything. But somewhere along the way I realized that having kids isn't something everyone does or wants to do & I'm glad I realized that early enough. I LOVE being an aunt to my nieces & nephews & I love working with kids - I often understand them better than some adults, but being a parent isn't something I'm meant to do. 

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On 8/29/2022 at 3:02 AM, sirenian said:

I don't want to make my own bagels.  It's not that I think any of those things is bad.  I just fundamentally don't want to do them.

Don't know why I found this so funny 😄 - I might use that sentence one day..."I don't want to make my own bagels." 🤣

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I've caught up with all the messages from this thread now 🥵

 

Feels like a couple of years ago since I've asked but was only June. I don't know if I'll flip-flop but I'm definitely leaning more towards being childfree (with potential to completely go the other way if co-parenting is required in the future). 

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I wasn't one to coo over babies (babies are boring), or to enjoy babysitting as a teenager, but I think I assumed I would go with the whole kids and family thing as an adult.  Which is what happened sort of accidentally when I fooled around with someone I liked but wasn't in love with.  He hadn't wanted children at all, but we ended up deciding to keep the child and get married.  I can't recommend this for everyone (we had two more children for a total of three, then had an amicable divorce and are still good friends), but for me it worked out okay.  I didn't realize I was Ace then, for which I'm glad, and my kids are still the light of my life (ages 43, 40, and 37).  Everything is more fun with them, especially holidays and outdoor pursuits (we're a hiking/camping family).  So I feel I just stumbled into it all but am so glad it happened.  I think not having children is the only thing that would make me feel unfulfilled in life.

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8 minutes ago, pickles mcgee said:

amicable divorce and are still good friends

 

8 minutes ago, pickles mcgee said:

didn't realize I was Ace then, for which I'm glad, and my kids are still the light of my life (ages 43, 40, and 37).  Everything is more fun with them, especially holidays and outdoor pursuits (we're a hiking/camping family).  So I feel I just stumbled into it all but am so glad it happened.  I think not having children is the only thing that would make me feel unfulfilled in life.

Glad it worked out for you ^_^

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29 minutes ago, Eutierria said:

 

Glad it worked out for you ^_^

Thanks.  Yeah, life just happened.  We're all getting together for Thanksgiving in a couple weeks--me, my two exes (they've become good friends as well), my son, my elder daughter, and my younger daughter and her husband.  The six of us often do either Thanksgiving or Christmas together, and occasionally both.

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I've known I never wanted kids from the time I was still in elementary school. Probably 8 or 9? Around the age where some first get a very basic look into sex ed. Though if by some strange alignment of the stars I ever did decide to have kids, adoption all the way.

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I’ve always been kind of undecided about having kids. Sometimes I think it would be awful, and sometimes like it’s an interesting amazing thing. I’m more curious about what the kid will look/be like once they grow up. I have several health issues, and having my own baby would have probably killed me. Not to mention my dysphoria would have gone crazy. (I’m agender.) I have metastatic breast cancer and it’s hormone-based, so my oncologist wanted me to get rid of my ovaries. I ended up getting a radical hysterectomy (they take out everything) in July 2020. So, I can’t have my own babies now. It’s too expensive to freeze eggs, even if I wanted to, and they still might not be viable. My oncologist was slightly reluctant to do it because of how young I was and had no babies. Now, if I really wanted one, I could adopt. There are a lot of babies/children needing to be adopted. I’m not sure if they’d let me, though. It seems like it’d be a mess figuring it out. I don’t know if I’ll want one in the future. That’s another thing, a parent with stage 4 cancer that’s not given much time to live (the stats aren’t good), doesn’t sound good for a kid. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

I don’t want kids. I think I knew it already at 13 or 14, when I saw adults with strollers on the streets. I’ve always had a very strong feeling that this is something I don’t want. To be honest, I don’t even like babies and small children. I also want  to be free to go for a walk whenever I want to, spend a night at the theatre whenever I want to et c. Coming home from work to someone who calls ’mommyyyyy’ and immediately demands my attention would be a nightmare. I want to sit down with my cat somwhere quiet and read a book. 😅

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39 minutes ago, MinnieMouse said:

To be honest, I don’t even like babies and small children. I also want  to be free to go for a walk whenever I want to, spend a night at the theatre whenever I want to et c.

In the 5 months since I've asked this, I've remained 50/50. More recently with people out & about with their babies (I presume Christmas shopping), they're so cute in their winter outfits. I like walks too - imagine it could be stressful instead of relaxing with children. Not being able to switch off completely at a theatre is a valid point too. 

 

41 minutes ago, MinnieMouse said:

Coming home from work to someone who calls ’mommyyyyy’ and immediately demands my attention would be a nightmare.

I'm 50/50 on this too - if it's a welcome home, that's really lovely instead of coming in from work & they're asleep & you barely get to see them grow up. The demand on attention...I might struggle with that depending on how much energy I had left that day or how much still needed to be done around the home. 

 

Still leaning towards childfree. 

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DoggieDangerous

I have kids and love them, but if I were to go through it all again, I would say no.

 

I'm sure my asexuality along with introvert personality has backed me into a corner, but I always seem to be the one watching over the kids.  The small number of friends and family I try to hang out with get to stay out for dinners / bars / movies well past midnight, while I'm fighting to get the children to do homework and off to bed for school the next day.  Even grandma and grandpa want nothing to do with watching them: "We already did that hun, it's your turn now."  On a positive note, they listen to my parenting requests better than they do their mother, but that also bits me on the behind as some snarky remark comes along that I'm showing them being asocial is okay.  Sorry, but yeah, your grades come first.  And you could step in and help, "mom."

 

I guess the moral of my story is, if you're looking to have kids, make sure your partner, family, and surroundings are capable of supporting it while you don't single-handedly beat yourself up about having to raise them in what feels like an "all alone" scenario. 

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3 hours ago, DoggieDangerous said:

don't single-handedly beat yourself up about having to raise them in what feels like an "all alone" scenario. 

I think you've pretty much clocked a big reason behind why I lean more towards childfree. I grew up as the responsible one.

 

It's also terrifying & eye-opening how many men think "helping" makes them a "good Dad" when it's their child too. I'm not feeling that hopeful about the men my age (36) & up being able to share emotional labour & not falling  into gender roles. The older I become the more I wish I was attracted to women. Two-Mum households must be phenomenal. 

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DoggieDangerous
16 hours ago, Eutierria said:

I'm not feeling that hopeful about the men my age (36) & up being able to share emotional labour & not falling  into gender roles. The older I become the more I wish I was attracted to women. Two-Mum households must be phenomenal. 

Well, on the flip-side of that, I have a co-worker who was married.  He and his wife ended up having a kid, but over the years since birth, he found out she only did it to make him happy.  And I don't see him as the type to "force" this on her, he really was looking to spend the future together as a family.  She wanted nothing to do with the kid and they eventually got divorced, and he got full custody without any fight from her.  Fast forward a few more years, and she's happily married to both a doctor and her nursing career, kid free.  He also was lucky enough to meet a single mother and has a family triple in size now.  I guess win-win for both parties, but again just reinforcing that the people / environment around you will play a big part in whether to have kids or not.

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