Kids or no kids ?

[blunose2772]

I decided long ago I didn't want kids. First off I can barely take care of myself how am I gonna raise a family. 2. I hate kids. I hated kids when I WAS a kid and 3. I'm scared of turning into my mom and 4. The world's better off without half my genes in the next generation. 

[J. van Deijck]

59 minutes ago, Sammie M said:

I am the same about the potential for passing on any mental health issues.

 

In the last year or so, particularly since I started my blog in January, I have decided to just be more open and frank. I had to hide how I was and what I have been through for so long, and it all just got too much.

And that's very good. Some will probably judge and you'd be 'too much for them', but they're not worth your time nor energy. Some will support every decision you make and will appreciate your honesty. Letting things out is healthy. I've been hiding all my feelings for so long it resulted in mental breakdown, so there's yet another thing I wish I could save others from. Because I know what it does when it's eating you up from the inside.

[MidnightStar]

I have kids. Didn’t realize I was asexual until late in life. I just thought no wives really liked sex we just did it for our husbands sake. 🤦‍♀️ I’m kinda thankful I didn’t figure this whole asexual thing out until later in life because I wouldn’t have my kids. ❤️ But looking back I’ve been asexual my entire life with varying degrees of tolerance towards sex 

[Calliers]

Personally I don't think I would make a good father. I would be too lenient on my kids, and I goof off a lot plus I smoke.

[RoseGoesToYale]

I would advise that if you're unsure, don't date anyone who states that they're childfree or that they don't want kids, but we're in the minority anyway. The vast majority of people out there who haven't had kids are unsure if they'd want them or not.

 

I'm childfree and knew at the age of five that I never wanted to be a mother. I'm 26 now and still don't, and want to get sterilized (if I can ever get over my fear of gynos) even if I wind up never having sex. That's how much peace of mind I want. What turned me off initially was learning how babies are made (not the sex part, but pregnancy), and then over the years learning about the ways pregnancy destroys the body and how easy it is to ruin another human being by saying the wrong word. Plus I literally do not know ho to talk to or understand kids and have zero maternal instincts. I guess if you know, you just know.

[Calliers]

4 minutes ago, RoseGoesToYale said:

I would advise that if you're unsure, don't date anyone who states that they're childfree or that they don't want kids, but we're in the minority anyway. The vast majority of people out there who haven't had kids are unsure if they'd want them or not.

 

I'm childfree and knew at the age of five that I never wanted to be a mother. I'm 26 now and still don't, and want to get sterilized (if I can ever get over my fear of gynos) even if I wind up never having sex. That's how much peace of mind I want. What turned me off initially was learning how babies are made (not the sex part, but pregnancy), and then over the years learning about the ways pregnancy destroys the body and how easy it is to ruin another human being by saying the wrong word. Plus I literally do not know ho to talk to or understand kids and have zero maternal instincts. I guess if you know, you just know.

Some of us were just not built to have kids, men and women alike.

[Eutierria]

@RoseGoesToYaleI think the confusing part is that I'm naturally good with babies, have looked after siblings & cousins growing up & have worked with all age groups up to teens in previous jobs to know that I can handle them but it would be different as a parent as you can't 'give them back'. I used to be sent the "trouble" late-teens as the other staff couldn't get through to them but I didn't understand what the issue was & actually felt the staff didn't really listen because the kids were fine with me - years later I suspect it might be because I was also neurodivergent or held neurodivergent traits. 

 

Being good at something doesn't necessarily mean I should/want it though.

 

I suppose it will be a case of dynamics & feeling my way through potential relationships. 

[Calliers]

2 minutes ago, Eutierria said:

@RoseGoesToYaleI think the confusing part is that I'm naturally good with babies, have looked after siblings & cousins growing up & have worked with all age groups up to teens in previous jobs to know that I can handle them but it would be different as a parent as you can't 'give them back'. I used to be sent the "trouble" late-teens as the other staff couldn't get through to them but I didn't understand what the issue was & actually felt the staff didn't really listen because the kids were fine with me - years later I suspect it might be because I was also neurodivergent or held neurodivergent traits. 

 

Being good at something doesn't necessarily mean I should/want it though.

 

I suppose it will be a case of dynamics & feeling my way through potential relationships. 

See the thing about that is they (people who have kids) always say everything changes once you have a kid, your whole world changes, chicken and egg thing really.

[daveb]

For me there are kind of two parts:

1. I never had the opportunity for it to be something to seriously consider.

2. I never really had a desire to have children, and feel like if people don't actively want kids maybe it's better they don't have them.

 

I have occasionally wondered what if, but more idly. Not a serious desire.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Maybe in another lifetime. My mental health and ambitions make it hard to want kids for now.

 

 

Edit: On a side note it's impossible for me to have biological kids now, so it'd have to be adopted.

[EmeraldIce]

I've always wanted kids. Ideally I would have had them in my mid-twenties, but finding a partner was hard. I was almost 28 when I found my first boyfriend. I tried dropping hints early on that I wanted kids, using expressions like "my future kids" or "your future grandkids." I was hoping he would say something casual like that back to let me know whether he wanted kids. And he did say those things back. Unfortunately, I later learned that he didn't pick up that I was trying to tease out whether he wanted kids. He legit thought I was speaking hypothetically and responded hypothetically as well. As it turns out, he definitely did not want kids in the foreseeable future, and didn't know if he would ever want kids. It was definitely a blow for me, because it was at that point that I knew that relationship was going nowhere. The very reason I sought a relationship was to have kids. Without kids in the equation, I had no reason to stick it out with this guy, so I eventually broke it off.

 

With my husband, we were definitely very open with each other early on about wanting kids. He was of the age and experience where he knew exactly what he wanted, and I also had a good idea of what I wanted. We also started things off long-distance, so we had the pressure that we needed to get things settled using the little amount of time we had together. I think it was ultimately the pressure of long-distance that made us throw conventions out the window and try to learn as much about each other as possible so that we wouldn't needlessly waste each other's time and money. And I'm super glad we did! Not wanting kids was a huge deal-breaker for me, so I'm glad we knew we were on the same page early on so that we could move forward at a quicker pace.

 

I didn't specifically look for aces and didn't even realize I was ace myself back then. I'm sex-neutral, by the way, if that makes a difference. Sex simply didn't seem relevant to me. Kids and compatibility were more important. Sex was just a byproduct of wanting a relationship and children, and I was willing to engage in the act, as long as I'm not pressured to enjoy it. And if my potential partner really wants to be with someone who loves sex, they can make that call. I shouldn't have to, since it's not part of my selection criteria. And there are people out there who care about compatibility in personality and goals and values more so than sex.

[Skycaptain]

Not wanting to be a father was easy for me to determine. Seeing other family members or members of my social circle with babies never imbued a feeling of "I'd like to hold a child that I'd had some role in creating one day"

Being aromantic (until I reidentified as demi- ) also helped. Not wanting a relationship,not experiencing sexual attraction or desire, and having zero paternal instincts all coincided conveniently.

 

[estherann]

How did you figure out whether you did or didn't want cancer?

 

That's how obvious not wanting kids has always felt to me, since the age of around 4 or 5 when I first became aware it was a possibility. It's always been something that obviously I would want to avoid.

 

That said, I don't think you need that level of certainty in order to decide not to have kids. In contrast, I think you'd want a similar level of certainty in the other direction to make having them a good idea, since it's not exactly a reversible decision.

[Guest]

Since I was about 13 I knew I never wanted kids. I just knew. I don't actually like children. They're just... Euw. Some people said I would feel differently when I got older. I don't. I'm 34 now and very aware that I never want kids. There is no maternal instinct in me whatsoever. 

[ThatBadCat]

I wanted to eventually have kids in an abstract "this is what women do" sort of way as a teenager, but figured out in my mid-20s that I really didn't.

 

I love my life as it is, why ruin it by having children? I like my freedom, I like my active outdoor hobbies, I like relaxing holidays which are spent lazing around drinking cocktails, I being lazy and eating takeaways as often as I want. None of which are compatible with (responsible) parenting. And to be honest I find kids both boring and exhausting.

 

And more importantly than all of that... I just don't want to. The instinct isn't there. I can't predict the future so for all I know it might change (the biological clock is ticking away) but I really don't see a future where my lifestyle would be compatible with having a child.

[Guest]

I think I like to stay fluid on the subject because I don't know how I would feel if I met someone special and they wanted a child. I feel like there are lots of barriers for me though because I have a chronic illness that I could pass on and I worry about things financially. I really can't imagine presently how I can afford to have a child. Things in England seem to be going to complete 💩 and in the world in general. Why would I want to bring a child into that anyway? Poverty here is getting a much bigger problem.

 

However, if I met someone and things were going well I would probably consider finding out the probability of passing on my chronic illness and take it from there. I do think it's highly unlikely that the perfect puzzle pieces will fit together though and I'm content with that. I've never had a big desire to have my own children. When I was younger I don't think I ever expected my life to be so complicated so I'm disappointed things couldn't be better.

[Aye]

If I do decide to have kids then I will definitely adopt - and if I do I would like to adopt siblings - but only if my job is stable enough and maybe if there is someone else to provide money and stability for them. However I will get pets when I have enough money.

[VanishingLady]

I never felt the need for children nor had an interest in having them.  Even when I was a child I was telling people it wasn't going to happen. It wasn't a choice to be childfree, it was an absence of desire/need to have them. I'm in my mid-40s, and at this point, there's no way.

 

I was raised by a narcissist mother and enabler father, so my example of motherhood isn't the best and I am not a mother anyway. I'm not willing to put another child through what I endured - not being wanted and I wouldn't be able to lie and pretend otherwise.

[SadieJane]

I have two kids (19 and 15). They were very much wanted.

 

I didn't figure out my asexuality until well after my last kid was born, but I'm absolutely sure would have wanted kids if I'd known well before. 

 

The method, on the other hand...😏

[Person101]

I want to have kids because I want to give a kid the support my father never gave me and to teach him how to love 

[NoButterfly]

I never really wanted children (I’m 37). And I have always been open about that when I have been asked about it. At some point I did wonder if I should want it. Especially when everyone around me had children. But I just don’t. And I have some kind of weird fear for newborns and up to they are about a year 🙈
But I do like children and have teached sport to them for over a decade. 
I just like the thought that I can return them to their parents after end of training 😁

[Eutierria]

This seems to summarise this thread 😂

 

https://vm.tiktok.com/ZMN8jnHQo/ 

 

 

 

[Libellule]

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[Passer]

I've always seen myself fitting into the traditional pattern of being married and having kids, just like I've seen my parents and my family do (I come from a close family without divorces). It does fit me, I like the family life. I met my husband at 17 and I think that certainly helped with solidifying the idea of wanting kids: after all, I had someone to have them with! 😄  So when college was all done, when we had a nice house and steady jobs... having kids was a logical next step.

I don't know if my wish for a child would've been strong enough to want one without having a suitable partner. I haven't been in that position, so I can't judge that. I do know that I'm happy with how it all worked out.

[Guest Invisible Pumpkin]

At this point in my life, all I can say is that I'm glad I didn't have any and that I'm the "last of me", that I didn't extend through kids traumas or issues I could have had.

When I was young, I thought adopting would be the best choice for me, but it was never really a choice, I'm glad for that as well. I have delt with my niece and nephews a lot, that's enough for me, although I'm just the weird aunt, but that's enough.

 

 

[LazyDazy]

I didn't get "clucky", if you can call it that, until my mid to late thirties. My husband wanted children earlier (he was definitely clucky) but I wasn't there mentally or emotionally. In the end, I was 42 when my child was born - it really is only a few percent chance at that age so I was extremely lucky to have him. I love him to bits and I'm so very glad he is in my life. He surprises me every day. I love watching him grow up and his personality develop. I like to wonder what he will do in life and where he will go. He has so many possibilities and I'm excited for him and the decisions he will make.

 

I'm now in my early 50s and I didn't figure out I was ace until the last year or so, though I suspected something was going on for the longest time given that I'd been avoiding sex for a decade. 😏😆

[Guest]

Sometimes kids just happen whether or not you want them, even with birth control. then you just have to do your best.

[Elizabeth Bennet]

After hearing my neighbour's grandson crowing at an impossible pitch for over an hour why I was trying to sleep, I can safely say: No, thanks.

[SpaceDustbin]

Never really felt the 'urge' to get kids, and the idea also never really featured in any future plans. Plus, it doesn't help that virtually none of the women on my mom's side of the family have had uncomplicated pregnancies. A lot of that shit is apparently hereditary, and considering my physical and mental wellbeing, it's probably better to opt out. 

 

That said, if I'd meet someone who already has kids, I would have no problem with that 

[Slajmy]

This is gonna be dark I think...

For me living is mostly suffering (for more information; read Schopenhauer).

I would not impose suffering onto an other human being.

I therefor do not create new life/humans.