Kids or no kids ?

[Lilibulero]

On 11/23/2022 at 12:05 PM, Eutierria said:

Not being able to switch off completely at a theatre is a valid point too

🤣 Think, not getting a warm cup of tea for years, never mind going out for an evening of theatre.

[Eutierria]

1 hour ago, DoggieDangerous said:

the people / environment around you will play a big part in whether to have kids or not.

So much this. 

 

 

1 hour ago, DoggieDangerous said:

have a co-worker who was married.  He and his wife ended up having a kid, but over the years since birth, he found out she only did it to make him happy.  And I don't see him as the type to "force" this on her, he really was looking to spend the future together as a family.  She wanted nothing to do with the kid and they eventually got divorced, and he got full custody without any fight from her.  Fast forward a few more years, and she's happily married to both a doctor and her nursing career, kid free.  He also was lucky enough to meet a single mother and has a family triple in size now.  I guess win-win for both parties

I love that this story had a happy ending for both sides. 🥰

[Izzybel]

I'm firmly in the no kids camp. Never wanted them, just don't have that drive. And also, I can barely look after myself, there's no way I'd throw a child into the mix. 😅

[Eutierria]

59 minutes ago, Izzybel said:

I can barely look after myself,

You & me, both 🤣

[DoggieDangerous]

10 hours ago, Eutierria said:

I love that this story had a happy ending for both sides. 🥰

I think it's "odd" that the mother / ex-wife is totally fine without any desire to see her kid, but that's just me.

[Eutierria]

1 hour ago, DoggieDangerous said:

I think it's "odd" that the mother / ex-wife is totally fine without any desire to see her kid, but that's just me.

Depends on the culture & circumstances (e.g. If the child's not biologically hers but this information wasn't shared outside of the partnership or Post Partum Depression or something none of us can guess & it's none of our business). If the child is hers & she acts this way...perhaps they will have a happier & healthier life without her(?) 

[Zoeo]

I never really wanted kids, but there is a significant age gap between my and my brother. By the time he was born I was old enough to help and really see how much pain and effort went into it. That really solidified it for me. I work with kids regularly, and I love seeing how gentle parenting has taken off. But I do not have the will, energy, or money to raise a tiny human. 

Also pregnancy really freaks me out. 
If my brother has kids tho, I will happily be the cool aunt!

I also feel like if I was ever truly financially stable. Like, won-the-lottery stable, I would adopt some teens. I'd love to help some kids that would normally just age out of the system. Give them a family and a financial hand. 

[Eutierria]

6 hours ago, Zoeo said:

By the time he was born I was old enough to help and really see how much pain and effort went into it. That really solidified it for me.

I have younger siblings who I looked after when I was a kid myself so feel like I've done my bit (except backwards). 

 

6 hours ago, Zoeo said:

I work with kids regularly, and I love seeing how gentle parenting has taken off. But I do not have the will, energy, or money to raise a tiny human. 

Also pregnancy really freaks me out. 

☝🏽This.

 

I've worked with toddlers to teenagers - I feel like I'm done with people needing my attention. My job for the past few years have mainly been with adults. 

 

6 hours ago, Zoeo said:

also feel like if I was ever truly financially stable. Like, won-the-lottery stable, I would adopt

I've thought about this too but don't play the lottery.

 

 

 

[Latestarter]

So many common thoughts here, whichever way you feel.  I’m really pleased I had children but I hadn’t anticipated what I was signing up for.  I had to juggle working a challenging full time job with looking after 2 boys, a horse and a large house.  I was permanently tired and because I couldn’t afford to stop working my children saw more of nursery staff and child minders than they did of me.  I think if you decide to have children you do have to be prepared for your own needs to take a back seat, especially if you don’t have anyone prepared to share.  If I could go back to being in my 20’s again I doubt I would view the whole marriage and children route with such rose tinted glasses.  Hindsight is a wonderful thing.

[Kimi_gata]

@Zoeo I agree. If my sister had kids, I’d love to be the aunt!

[Autumn ace]

I firmly don’t want to have kids 

[TormentDubz]

Me either

[a little annihilation]

No kids (which isn't to say I don't like them. I think they're great). I think that it's unethical to create life.

[Slajmy]

I think this is very different for different people. I've known since I was a child that I didn't want kids. Like REALLY did not want them. I operated my uterus so I can't have kids at the age of 30. 35 now. My thoughts haven't change. I don't know if this input will help you much, since you are in a different situation. Hope you have gotten som good answers in this thread or that you have friends and family to discuss it with. All the best. 

[Otohime]

Has anyone fostered or adopted kids as a single person?

For me, the biggest let down of being ace (and probably aro or close), is the possibility of having children is unlikely. I know it isn't impossible to have children as a single person but financially, it is difficult. Also, difficult just in not having a partner to help.

I've considered fostering as I think that would be the most financially possible route, but curious, if anyone else has. 

(For context, I'm 35, so it's something I think about more as I get older).

[Tom71]

I've never wanted to have kids

I'd thought about it in the past, but always came to realize this was something  I never wanted

Which makes things a bit less complicated, I know Ace people can have children but I could see that as being quite complicated

[Muledeer]

On 12/22/2022 at 6:15 PM, Tom71 said:

I've never wanted to have kids

Me either!  Hey - I just wanted to say I like your avitar image - it looks like some kind of happy deer!

[Tom71]

On 12/23/2022 at 9:34 PM, Muledeer said:

Me either!  Hey - I just wanted to say I like your avitar image - it looks like some kind of happy deer!

Thanks, it is

[Janus the Fox]

I’m a Cystic Fibrosis Gene carrier, from a family with many genetic defects and the risk of having significantly impaired children or a child with CF is unacceptable.  Fertility was poor long before HRT took that away more or less permanently.  I’d need fertility and genetic counselling therapies to conceive and make well sure that a female was clear of issues and through fertility counselling, both sperm and egg were clear of both CF genes.  If I where to adopt, theres significant barriers, enough for both myself and the BF to require years of parenting training first, due to significant learning difficulties, never really being in any position to care for and finance for a child.  As well as requiring being able to manage our own needs independently without care for ourselves and manage a home and household. 

[coyote55]

When I was young, the playbook was you grew up, got married, and had kids... or you were unusual in society's view. I've always liked kids and have been close with many as a summer camp counselor and godfather. I saw myself as a future father for long time, but I simply had no inclination toward intimacy and eventually the whole idea faded away. This was long before asexuality was recognized, and without a partner, there seemed no way to have kids or be considered qualified to adopt one. In time, most of my close friends and relatives married, and my apparent "celibacy" had an unexpected effect - I grew to be trusted by both partners in each couple, and became a close uncle figure to their kids.  I've helped to nurture several from birth through adulthood, and that has been the most rewarding part of my life. My godson's son is almost 8, and I'm as close with him as I was with his daddy. 

 

 

[The French Unicorn]

On 12/13/2022 at 10:51 AM, Otohime said:

Has anyone fostered or adopted kids as a single person?

For me, the biggest let down of being ace (and probably aro or close), is the possibility of having children is unlikely. I know it isn't impossible to have children as a single person but financially, it is difficult. Also, difficult just in not having a partner to help.

I've considered fostering as I think that would be the most financially possible route, but curious, if anyone else has. 

(For context, I'm 35, so it's something I think about more as I get older).

Haven't yet, but when my apartment will be built (in two years), I plan to start the adoption process as a single person. I always wanted kids.

 

As when my apartment will be built, my parents will be at give minutes so I can ask them to help if I need to. They also can help financially. I specifically buy an apartment with two bedrooms in hope I can adopt.

 

The thing I worry the most about is the adoption system in my country. Some of the people in the system refuse to look at your dossier if you are not in a straight relationship, even if a judge gave you the authorization to adopt. Not all people are like that but some, and it makes it harder. I also know I am less likely to adopt a baby, but I don't mind that.

 

I thought about assisted procreation but too much stigma around it and anyway, I don't like the idea of pregnancy.

[Autumnal Nights]

On 12/7/2022 at 6:09 AM, løvely said:

No kids (which isn't to say I don't like them. I think they're great). I think that it's unethical to create life.

I kind of feel this way too. I have quite a negative view of humanity as a whole, just because of everything that is wrong with the world.* Every social issue is proof to me that we have failed as a species. We suck, quite frankly. It won't happen but I wish we would stop reproducing and allow the species to die out (not through some mass apocalyptic event, I don't think we should all be annihilated, but gradually with the natural passing of each person). 

 

Also, from a personal point of view, I think having children would have a negative impact on my life. Having children means extra stress, extra worries, extra expenses and extra ties. As well as that, I simply don't have any desire to have children. I never have really.

 

*I should add that I like most people I encounter. On an individual level, I think most of us are fairly sound. Hence I don't think we should be "wiped out", just that we should stop reproducing (again, I accept that's never going to happen). 

[CincinnatiAsexual]

No kids here.

[Slugcat]

I never thought about it much until people started asking me if I was going to have kids and the answer was a very quick no. No, the idea of pregnancy is horrifying to me. No, I don't want to adopt. No, I don't want to foster. People just don't seem to get it.

[BaklavaGuardian]

I was 6 years old on a playground and I was watching the other kids run around and play. I knew at that moment I didn't want to have children. I'm not sure why I had that revelation at that time but it struck me like a lightning bolt. So, no children for me please. 

[NaeC]

I'm glad I found this thread. Seeing how not all aces don't want kids is comforting. I don't know too many aces in person but a few that I do know don't want kids, so I started thinking am I not ace cause I want the possibility of kids but ace doesn't define that so than thought maybe just no a typical ace. Seeing this thread and how there are some that do and some that don't makes me feel better. I never thought of wanting kids when I was growing up but I'm now in my 30s and I just want to let life take it's course. I don't want to plan a pregnancy but if it happens great. I also want to make sure that before having a child I want to be financially stable.  With many here I don't find the idea of being pregnant appealing, but honestly I don't think many woman do. In my fantasy's I always seem to picture myself as a single mom with a toddler.  I have liked the idea of adoption or even fostering.  I don't think the single parent has anything to do with me being ace but rather I was raised by a single mom and because of that her and I have a bond that most children in two parent households don't have and I would like to have that bond with my child if I ever have one. 

[LosslessExist6]

I don't think I want a relationship ever again, so children is impossible. Surrogacy just seems a silly and selfish idea to me at this stage as well

[notactuallymerida]

No kids. Ever. First of all, I don’t want them. Just like I don’t want sex. It’s not even a conscious decision. And even if I should change my mind in the future (which I honestly doubt) there are several good reasons not to have bio kids. First of all, pregnancy and birth wreak havoc on your body and mind. Secondly, I have dysphoria about my own fertility and pregnancy. Also not having sex makes having bio kids a little harder, especially without a male partner. And I don’t want to be kept from working for several months.  So should I really change my mind, adoption it is (preferrably older children or teenagers.) Surrogacy seems unethical to me, so that’s entirely out of the question. But after all, there are some health reasons why I probably wouldn’t be able to properly raise a child anyway, but so what. 

 

Disclaimer: I don’t hate children. I feel mostly neutral about them. I don’t know how to properly interact with them though, so it might seem like I actively dislike them, which is simply not true. I’m just even more socially awkward around children.

[avocato]

I think I've been mostly ambivalent about children. I thought about having them, but I think I had a fantasy-land thought process on what a "family" would look like with kids. Now, I think I'd want to adopt or foster since I see so many of those children passed over in life. I'd like to give them a home and a place of safety, and share what I have with them. But I don't want to do it alone. I'd want a partner.

 

But having children of my own? It's too late for that for me, but I've never cared one way or the other about my "own" so...there's that.