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Kids or no kids ?


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How did you you work out if you DEFINITELY didn't or did want kids? 

 

I'm single at the moment & wouldn't want to bring up a child on my own but did consider it for some time until I realised that I live too far away from family for a support network. Part of me also doesn't want some family members to have any influence on how my potential children might think (I don't want them to grow up any type of -phobic or -ist). 

 

I'm now at the stage in my life where I feel ready to welcome a potential partner into my life (but also not actively dating as most people on apps are allos). I think I could be happy with 0 or 2 children (the 2 is more for them to have company once I'm gone, considering they get along). 

 

Finding a fellow ace I vibe with is the first challenge. Some aces are clear that they don't want any children (biological or adopted). I have a slight worry of getting into a relationship with someone who's clear they don't want kids & later on, I might start wanting to.

 

Has anyone gone through this stage already - what were your learnings ? 

 

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I don't think I want any kids.

 

I'm old enough now that I should have probably had kids by now (36) but I have avoided it till now. If I were to end up with a lifetime partner that really wanted kids I might relent though. But otherwise, I prefer not having kids. In any case you have to be in a relationship for quite a while before the whole kids topic comes up.

 

@Eutierria I hope that you choose the right choice for you.

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I haven't worked it out. I am more of the mindset that I will let life take me where it does rather than definitively say it will be this way or that way. If I never have kids because the timing/situation/whatever does not make sense, then so be it. If I happened to get involved in a serious relationship with someone who I wanted to have kids with and saw that as making sense, then I'd be open to that too. 

 

I mean as time goes, it will work it out for me, whether that is aging out of my child bearing years or even accidentally getting pregnant with someone, or doing it purposefully, I will take life as it comes. 

 

I do get hesitant though dating people who seem very definite one way or another. If someone is so against children that they need to declare they really do not want children on their dating profile, I usually don't want to match with them, and same with people who say they definitely want to have children. because I can't promise either way, as I feel it will be totally dependent on the relationship and how I feel in it that will shape what I will want. 

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Anomaly Q3Xr

I used to want kids, and had life turned out differently maybe I would have done. I did propose to a girl over a decade ago who I had planned to raise a family with, but she ended things. I am 40 this year, and my mental health is not stable enough for me to care for children, and the partner I am now with doesn't want children, so I think it is safe to say that I will never have them. I no longer want children, mostly because of my mental health, but also because I would rather invest that time in my creative projects, and having children would take away a hell of a lot of that time for at least the next 18 years, and so I will stick with a dog and be happy with that. I think overall things have worked out for the best.

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J. van Deijck

I've never wanted children.

 

Spoiler

I'm not that cruel to pass my faulty genes to someone else.

 

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7 minutes ago, Sammie M said:

I used to want kids, and had life turned out differently maybe I would have done. I did propose to a girl over a decade ago who I had planned to raise a family with, but she ended things. I am 40 this year, and my mental health is not stable enough for me to care for children, and the partner I am now with doesn't want children, so I think it is safe to say that I will never have them. I no longer want children, mostly because of my mental health, but also because I would rather invest that time in my creative projects, and having children would take away a hell of a lot of that time for at least the next 18 years, and so I will stick with a dog and be happy with that. I think overall things have worked out for the best.

I proposed to a girl too years and years ago, it ended shortly thereafter. I suppose she got cold feet. She also suffered from heavy depression.

 

We even went out and picked out a ring, but the day after I bought it (so we could be engaged) we decided to end the relationship. She was a good girl too so yeah.

 

That is why these days I will only date girls who have positive character.

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12 minutes ago, Calliers said:

In any case you have to be in a relationship for quite a while before the whole kids topic comes up.

I thought this too but some aces I've met online who are in their late20s/30s have straight out asked which threw me a bit but I always give an answer as I can understand people in this age range asking. 

 

13 minutes ago, Calliers said:

I hope that you choose the right choice for you.

Aww, thank you ^_^

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9 minutes ago, MarRister said:

I am more of the mindset that I will let life take me where it does rather than definitively say it will be this way or that way.

I am the same way 🥰

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2 minutes ago, Eutierria said:

I thought this too but some aces I've met online who are in their late20s/30s have straight out asked which threw me a bit but I always give an answer as I can understand people in this age range asking. 

 

Aww, thank you ^_^

You're welcome. I personally don't like talking about stuff like "are we ready to move in together" or "will we have kids together" and stuff like that till we've been courting for a decent amount of time. It just seems like jumping the gun.

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9 minutes ago, Sammie M said:

I used to want kids, and had life turned out differently maybe I would have done.

I was the same but I'm really glad it didn't go that way as the guy I was with wasn't compatible in so many ways. 

 

Sounds like life eventually worked its way out for you. A pet dog sounds great! ^_^

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1 minute ago, Eutierria said:

I was the same but I'm really glad it didn't go that way as the guy I was with wasn't compatible in so many ways. 

 

Sounds like life eventually worked its way out for you. A pet dog sounds great! ^_^

I'm in a relationship now, but after so many relationshits, personally I think I won't marry lol. Which I don't mind at all, but these days if I start a relationship it is with the intention to take it all the way.

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StarryNightAllAlone

When I was a child and before I knew the reality of things, I thought I wanted children. That desire has disappeared entirely. I most definitely would not want biological children. I couldn't put myself through any of that. I find it repulsive. In terms of adopting children, I lack a maternal instinct to have children. I'm also not able to provide for a child. Having children is a serious decision and not one to be made lightly. Some people are selfish and choose to have kids without carefully considering what's best for the potential child. I know I'm not meant to have children. My mom wasn't either, but she had kids anyway. That didn't turn out well for her or us. I care for other people in my life, but I certainly don't have what it takes to be a mother, nor do I want to be one. 

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Thanks for all the responses already so far. 

 

All reasons for/against having kids are valid. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts/experiences. 

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Anomaly Q3Xr
6 minutes ago, Calliers said:

I proposed to a girl too years and years ago, it ended shortly thereafter. I suppose she got cold feet. She also suffered from heavy depression.

 

We even went out and picked out a ring, but the day after I bought it (so we could be engaged) we decided to end the relationship. She was a good girl too so yeah.

 

That is why these days I will only date girls who have positive character.

I generally am more attracted to males or androgynous folk, but I knew her for over a year as a friend before we got together, and we were together for three years before I proposed. She had quite a few issues, as do I, and she was also physically and mentally abusive towards me, so I think it was for the best that she ended things, as I wouldn't have, because despite everything I did love her.

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Just now, Sammie M said:

she was also physically and mentally abusive towards me,

😬😬😬 I'm glad you're out now & wish you a happier & healthier relationship going forward. 

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Blue eyes white dragon

It's important to talk about this with a potential partner to see where they stand and where you stand and if a relationship will work out. Be open about the possibility of you considering children later on. When I was a kid, I wanted kids but then I realized all the hard work and commitment that goes into it as well as the whole process of conceiving and birthing I realized I don't want that type of family. Also I don't like babies. I do like and want to help and take care of kids that 4 and older and that's what I do for work and in a way, I've been a sorta  surrogate mother for many kids over the years that I don't feel the need to have kids myself. My partner and I have considered on adopting an older kid when we are older because we want to help kids tho

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2 minutes ago, StarryNightAllAlone said:

When I was a child and before I knew the reality of things, I thought I wanted children. That desire has disappeared entirely. I most definitely would not want biological children. I couldn't put myself through any of that. I find it repulsive. In terms of adopting children, I lack a maternal instinct to have children. I'm also not able to provide for a child. I wasn't meant to have children. My mom wasn't either, but she had kids anyway. I care for other people in my life, but I certainly don't have what it takes to be a mother nor do I want to be one. 

^This. In my case it is because I want to send my kids to private school, buy them a vehicle when they hit 16, do everything I can for them. And so I basically don't feel like I can provide materialistically for a child so I don't want to bring them into this world to suffer, or even the fact this world is harsh and sometimes I ask why my parents brought me into this world, I have gone through some hard times, so I think why would I want to bring a child into this world to suffer anyhow?

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Anomaly Q3Xr
4 minutes ago, Eutierria said:

I was the same but I'm really glad it didn't go that way as the guy I was with wasn't compatible in so many ways. 

 

Sounds like life eventually worked its way out for you. A pet dog sounds great! ^_^

Yeah, the girl I proposed to was physically and mentally abusive, so all in all I think she did the right thing by ending things. I have a lovely partner now, and we have a lovely puppy that we are training to be a psychiatric assistance dog for us both.

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J. van Deijck

I actually like kids. My spouse has a son and I'm fine being another stepdad or whatever, I also enjoy being an uncle, but having my own biological children? That's even out of question to me.

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1 minute ago, Blue eyes white dragon said:

It's important to talk about this with a potential partner to see where they stand and where you stand and if a relationship will work out. Be open about the possibility of you considering children later on. When I was a kid, I wanted kids but then I realized all the hard work and commitment that goes into it as well as the whole process of conceiving and birthing I realized I don't want that type of family. Also I don't like babies. I do like and want to help and take care of kids that 4 and older and that's what I do for work and in a way, I've been a sorta  surrogate mother for many kids over the years that I don't feel the need to have kids myself. My partner and I have considered on adopting an older kid when we are older because we want to help kids tho

Yes, adopting is also great because you're giving a home to someone who would otherwise have very little hope in this world/was unwanted.

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Anomaly Q3Xr
Just now, alsjeblieft said:

I actuallylike kids. My spouse has a son and I'm fine being another stepdad or whatever, I also enjoy being an uncle, but having my own biological children? That's even out of question to me.

To be honest, I am not sure if my mental health stuff is hereditary as it seems a lot of my family have mental health issues, so it is probably wise that I do not reproduce.

 

I actually did once attempt to (without having sex, just producing the necessary stuff) but thankfully it never worked.

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5 minutes ago, Sammie M said:

I generally am more attracted to males or androgynous folk, but I knew her for over a year as a friend before we got together, and we were together for three years before I proposed. She had quite a few issues, as do I, and she was also physically and mentally abusive towards me, so I think it was for the best that she ended things, as I wouldn't have, because despite everything I did love her.

Wow! 😮

 

So sorry you had to go through that, glad you're now out of that relationship and with a new person you care for and of course with your dog! :D

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J. van Deijck
Just now, Sammie M said:

To be honest, I am not sure if my mental health stuff is hereditary as it seems a lot of my family have mental health issues, so it is probably wise that I do not reproduce.

I feel the same, but about my physical health. I've actually inherited a genetic disorder from my father, and the chance of passing it further is high, so not worth the risk. I wouldn't want anyone to go through the same things as I do, I'm not that cruel.

 

3 minutes ago, Sammie M said:

I actually did once attempt to (without having sex, just producing the necessary stuff) but thankfully it never worked.

That's a deep confession. :o

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Deltalorian

Should my life go the way that I want it to, and the job I manage to and pays well, then I would probably want a kid or two. Probably just one, given I will probably not be able to afford two unless I had a partner who also worked a job. Given I'm asexual and aromantic, I'd probably have to adopt, but if I did that, I'd need the patience to get through the adoption process. If I'm not patient enough to do that, I'd take it as a sign that I'm not the right person to raise a child.

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Anomaly Q3Xr
1 minute ago, alsjeblieft said:

I feel the same, but about my physical health. I've actually inherited a genetic disorder from my father, and the chance of passing it further is high, so not worth the risk. I wouldn't want anyone to go through the same things as I do, I'm not that cruel.

I am the same about the potential for passing on any mental health issues.

 

1 minute ago, alsjeblieft said:

That's a deep confession. :o

In the last year or so, particularly since I started my blog in January, I have decided to just be more open and frank. I had to hide how I was and what I have been through for so long, and it all just got too much.

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4 minutes ago, Sammie M said:
Quote

That's a deep confession. :o

In the last year or so, particularly since I started my blog in January, I have decided to just be more open and frank. I had to hide how I was and what I have been through for so long, and it all just got too much.

I appreciate you being so open about it. I've heard different personal stories from other ace friends that nothing seems to make me squeamish now 🤷🏻‍♀️

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Lysandre, the Star-Crossed

I'm not 100% against ever having kids, but I'd have to get my shit together (financially and otherwise) first and have at least one partner who would co-parent with me. I'd rather be the cool non-binary version of an uncle to somebody else's kid than have my own most likely.

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Lysandre, the Star-Crossed
17 minutes ago, Sammie M said:

To be honest, I am not sure if my mental health stuff is hereditary as it seems a lot of my family have mental health issues, so it is probably wise that I do not reproduce.

I'd be pretty hesitant to have my own biological child for pretty much that reason, I'd probably have one of my partner's other partners be the donor or just adopt a baby for that reason...if it ever came to that.

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1 hour ago, Eutierria said:

later on, I might start wanting to

Yeah I'm... kinda sorta maybe-ish in that position now. I was very very certain I didn't want kids, and then... I dunno. Some things changed in the way I thought about it. And it's probably too late. Ah well, for the best I suppose.

 

7 minutes ago, Lysandre, the Star-Crossed said:
25 minutes ago, Sammie M said:

To be honest, I am not sure if my mental health stuff is hereditary as it seems a lot of my family have mental health issues, so it is probably wise that I do not reproduce.

I'd be pretty hesitant to have my own biological child for pretty much that reason, I'd probably have one of my partner's other partners be the donor or just adopt a baby for that reason...if it ever came to that.

Yeah, all of that is true for me as well.

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Lord Jade Cross

From what would be considered by many to be a very early age (10-11ish), I had decided on a few things in life: No marriage and no kids

 

I had a tough childhood and honestly didnt see a shred of responsible parenting nor of what people generally consider as "happy relationships". As I grew older, those views only strenghtened as I kept seeing more and more of the same type of behaviour and they have never changed

 

Im also extremely lonersome and I really cant tolerate people for a considerable amount of time. It physically becomes tiring and I have to make a concious effort just to appear like my mind isnt wandering off somewhere

 

I also consider it highly irresponsible how people casually hadve kids as if it was something you go pick up at a store. That, partially in relation to my own situation with my parents, really, really disgusts me

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