Sick of feeling inadequate

[Antithesis]

I'm in a bit of a weird situation. I'm somewhere in the greysexual area, no to very low libido, demi-sex-repulsed (aka sex-repulsed most of the time, but not as much after forming a strong connection, though even then I'm still slightly uncomfortable about a lot of sexual things), no sex drive, and on top of that any form of vaginal penetration (including tampons, and literally anything else) hurts to the point of tears.

 

My partner is an amazing, loving caring person. We're each others' first sexual partners, and I've been very open throughout the relationship about being enby, pansexual, what I thought was demisexual then grey-A when I realised that fit better, sex-repulsed, and everything else related to my sexual and gender identity. My partner (also enby) is very accepting of all of this, and they've told me multiple times that, I quote, "sex is the least important part of a relationship." I know they mean it but I still feel inadequate as a sexual partner. They're sexual with what we think is a high libido, and have told me that they've started to feel guilty about initiating anything sexual with me even though they make sure about 50 times that I'm comfortable with everything, listen to all boundaries, don't push me to do anything, and are generally extremely respectful. They've also said they feel like they're taking advantage of me even though we both know they're not, and even though we talk about everything I'm having a hard time expressing my feelings about a lot of this stuff, just because I don't have the right words. I'm getting more and more upset about all of it, partly because I've been to a doctor and am still waiting to see a gynecologist, but it seems like the vaginal pain might be psychological and that makes me feel even worse about it because I don't know why. I've got the stereotypical "I must be broken/defective because I don't want or enjoy sex" thoughts rattling about, and even though I know it's not true they're still there. I want to get rid of the feelings of inadequacy but I don't know how, and I don't think it helps that I get massive dysphoria from having breasts especially, but also just sex characteristics in general, and I don't know if that's what's causing the pain but it's hard to tell since I've always felt this way, even when I didn't realise what it was. (Content warning: description of sex)

Part of me always thought that when I tried to have sex everything would be okay, but when my partner and I did try a few months ago it hurt before we even managed full penetration, and I had a panic attack after.

 

It doesn't help that there's not a whole lot I'm comfortable with. Both of us prefer giving but I'm still repulsed by a decent amount of things (content warning: types of sex)

such as oral going both ways, since I don't find it very pleasurable to receive even though my partner enjoys being on the bottom while giving oral, and I find the idea of having a penis in my mouth disgusting because of all the fluids.

There are things that we both enjoy and are willing to do, but most of the time I still prefer just cuddling, or kissing and touching each others' non-erogenous areas, but I can see how that would get frustrating for my partner to not get any sexual release after that, and even though they've said that it's okay I still feel bad about it, and kind of like I'm being a tease.

 

I'm really just hoping that someone can relate or give me some kind words or advice, though I'm really not sure what there is to do. I have an amazing loving partner who listens, stops whenever I ask, and is entirely okay with me not being a sexual person. I don't get why I'm always so upset over this all the time, and I'm sick of asking them for a shoulder to cry on every two minutes. I just don't want to feel like a less-then-fantastic partner in any way.

[gndrqrd]

Hey there! I'm sorry you're struggling with this. While there is nothing innately wrong with not desiring sex, the fact that it's causing you distress is definitely worth investigating more. I really do think it would he a good idea to see a gynecologist if even a tampon hurts, and interrogating what it is about sex that makes you so anxious you have panic attacks over it. This is not to say there's something wrong with you that you have to fix, but rather that there might be something, like gender dysphoria for instance, that is complicating your relationship to sex and is worth resolving. Even if the resolution is that you're not sexual, that's still alright, because you at least worked through something that was giving you problems.

 

Have you ever gone to therapy? Maybe finding someone to work out your feelings about sex, yourself, and the relationship between sex and you would be beneficial. Again, this isn't to say that you should find peace with the idea of being sexual, but just to find peace with the subject in general. It could definitely help resolve feelings of inadequacy and give you better coping mechanisms.

[Sally]

Just reading what you've written and trying to put myself in your place, @Antithesis, I feel very uncomfortable.  Your partner, fortunately, is being very comforting, and understanding, and darn near a perfect sexual partner for someone who really doesn't want sex.  But in spite of your partner's very loving attitude toward this situation, the fact is that you just don't want to have sex.  And that's where the understanding doesn't really solve anything.   I doubt if concentrating on you -- therapy, gynecologist consult, etc. -- will have much effect, because it doesn't address the problem -- the fact that you and your partner have a sexual mismatch.  That mismatch is caused by you two being innately different -- it isn't caused by one or the other of you.  I think that's what the two of you need to discuss, not what you personally can do to try to "fix" the situation.  

[Antithesis]

Thanks for your kind words, @gndrqrd. I'm definitely planning on seeing a gynecologist as soon as the waiting list will allow, and even if I still don't want sex or everything "seems normal" as the doctor said (which was one of the worst confirmations I've ever gotten), I want to at least know why everything hurts. I have been thinking that sex making me anxious could be related to gender dysphoria, but apart from that I don't really know if it's a panic attack related to sex itself or to my having genitals that I don't really want.

 

I've been to therapy before and have been considering finding a way to see a psychologist, since there's a group in my country from provide free psychology specifically about gender (and they're the only free psychological service here, as well), and at the very least I'd be able to talk about some of it. I'm not in a position to afford much else since I'm a student, but I've definitely been thinking it will help me figure out what's going on.

[Antithesis]

I've been thinking that I might just not want sex as well, @Sally, which I think is where the inadequacy feeling is coming from. Because my partner (and also myself) doesn't think of sex as an important part of the relationship, and because we do have such a good emotional connection and are very open with each other, I guess I'm worried it'll lead to my partner always being a bit sexually frustrated (even though their response to this when I brought it up was that they can always masturbate). We do talk about these things regularly because we're aware that we're different in that way, and I know they're not trying to make me feel better by being kind but part of me still interprets it that way. Thanks for your words, I guess I am trying to "fix" the problem in a way, I've never really thought about it that way before and it may have made me cry a bit in a good way

[kng.writes]

Forgive me for commenting on this old post, but I do want to affirm that you're not alone in this fun combination of sex-repulsion, occasional demi/gray attraction, and major issues with penetration. Because i'm dealing with the exact same conundrum. I have also never been able to handle any penetration-- including tampons-- and my first pap smear was horribly traumatic. I've never had a partner who wasn't ace, so I don't know what it's like to try to navigate those boundaries with an allo partner, but I have had to navigate mismatched desires and boundaries and such with a partner before, and can totally understand how terrible that can feel. Especially in the case where your partner seems incredibly understanding and respectful.

 

CW: possible explanation for your penetration issues that might be a little graphic for some squeamish readers

Spoiler

Have you ever heard of vaginismus? It's a condition that a shocking number of vagina-havers deal with, but not a lot of gynecologists/medical professionals are aware of and compassionate toward. Essentially, vaginismus causes the involuntary tightening of the pelvic floor muscles. It's like a venus fly-trap. Nothing will go in. At least, not without excruciating, burning pain. There are two distinct types. Primary Vaginismus is when you're just born with it, or when it becomes an extension of a more generalized type of anxiety. Secondary Vaginismus is when the condition pops up after a specific trauma, like SA. Either way, both result in the same type of difficulty that we both seem to share. Unfortunately, the only way to regain control of your pelvic floor is physical therapy, and essentially "penetration practice" with dilators. I haven't done either, because I'm afraid. Sounds like you might be in the same boat. Here's a link to further reading, if you're interested. There are a shocking number of people dealing with this, allo and ace alike, and it's just not talked about: https://medium.com/sisterly/living-with-vaginismus-my-story-3b4181c4af2f

But yeah. You're not alone. I will cuddle people I love all day long (even platonically), if they'll let me. And I love kissing. But I am completely sex-repulsed until that emotional connection is formed, and even then, once that rare attraction DOES show up, I'm not totally sure I'll ever want to act on it due to pain. Fun times.