Being a Sexual Demisexual

[Demitone]

*cw some discussion of sex*

 

To my fellow demisexuals, I was wondering if anyone else feels this way: When I find someone I'm attracted to and am dating, definitely after making that emotional bond, I can find myself being very sexual, even hypersexual with that person in particular. The idea of sex with other people is still eh and attraction to people is still super rare. But in the context of a relationship I find myself to be a very sexual person. This can honestly be a bit jarring for me since sex and sexual attraction are not things I tend to think about but then I find myself in these hyper-sexual states. And though I am very confident in my identity, I sometimes feel odd identifying with the asexual community when I'm in a relationship because I am so sexual and appear allosexual inside the context of the relationship. Was wondering if anyone else experienced anything similar

[rebis]

I suppose I can kind of relate. For me, it isn't that I don't ever think about sex or attraction when I am not in a relationship, because I do -- the entire topic is just interesting to me as a part of human psychology, and the human mind is just endlessly fascinating to me. But, I can relate I guess in that my current (or most recent -- our status is kind of unclear atm) partner has commented repeatedly about ... well, I guess libido, and has thus suggested I'm like "insatiable" or "can't live without" sex or something ... which does in fact feel very weird, and did result in my explaining that in addition to being celibate for years prior to our relationship, I'd spent about the year before it considering exactly where/how I seem to classify as some kind of ace-spec person, despite a pretty colorful sexual history.

 

Hm. I think, it's probably that to some degree, it's always going to feel maybe weird or questionable when you're both in an active sexual relationship -- that you are not interested in ending at all -- and also consider yourself kind of asexual. Honestly, for me, it has led to a kind of thought that ... again, just speaking for myself, I kind of feel like there is just this grey area where I may be considered ... well, either a sexual person who just experiences low/rare attraction to people, or a graysexual or demi person, and therefore somehow part of the asexual spectrum. I'm saying, I think for me, the difference is probably semantic -- whichever I am more comfortable with, really. Which is probably why I come down to being most comfortable  with graysexual ... gray in my case meaning something like "open to (my) interpretation..."

[Lysandre, the Star-Crossed]

2 hours ago, Demitone said:

*cw some discussion of sex*

 

To my fellow demisexuals, I was wondering if anyone else feels this way: When I find someone I'm attracted to and am dating, definitely after making that emotional bond, I can find myself being very sexual, even hypersexual with that person in particular. The idea of sex with other people is still eh and attraction to people is still super rare. But in the context of a relationship I find myself to be a very sexual person. This can honestly be a bit jarring for me since sex and sexual attraction are not things I tend to think about but then I find myself in these hyper-sexual states. And though I am very confident in my identity, I sometimes feel odd identifying with the asexual community when I'm in a relationship because I am so sexual and appear allosexual inside the context of the relationship. Was wondering if anyone else experienced anything similar

I feel that way too. My level of sexuality is pretty intense, but it lacks direction unless I've got a close bond to someone to direct it at.

[KatDeLacey]

Demisexual doesn't actually say anything about how high one's sex drive is, just under what circumstances you feel comfortable engaging in sex. Allos can be turned on around strangers, demis need a bond first. The amount of sex that happens after that depends more on the individual than the label.

[Arctangent]

I'm not demi, but I feel like I fall in a weird space where I'm too sexual to be asexual but I'm not exactly a "normal" sexual either. At one point in my life I identified as asexual and had no interest in sex, and that made things simple. Then I had a few years where I got attracted to a couple people and got into sexual relationships with them, which I enjoyed at the time, but both of those fizzled out. Later I became sexually attracted to another person, but they turned out to be asexual, and we now have a mostly nonsexual romantic relationship (which I am fine with - my sexual desire is kinda flaky anyway so in some ways this makes things easier). So now I'm in more of an asexual "mode," since I don't have any sexual interest in anyone currently and feel satisfied by nonsexual intimacy... but I still recall being more sexual in the past. I have a sense that I could be more sexual again in the future, in the right situation, but it doesn't feel necessary to my happiness currently, so I'm not actively pursuing that.

 

10 hours ago, rebis said:

Honestly, for me, it has led to a kind of thought that ... again, just speaking for myself, I kind of feel like there is just this grey area where I may be considered ... well, either a sexual person who just experiences low/rare attraction to people, or a graysexual or demi person, and therefore somehow part of the asexual spectrum. I'm saying, I think for me, the difference is probably semantic -- whichever I am more comfortable with, really. Which is probably why I come down to being most comfortable  with graysexual ... gray in my case meaning something like "open to (my) interpretation..."

I agree with this. I think the boundary between grey/demi and "not-very-sexual sexual" is pretty fuzzy, and if you fall in that fuzzy zone, it can be kind of a subjective judgment call whether you align yourself more with the sexual side of the spectrum or the asexual side. I still wonder if I'm close "enough" to asexual to call myself grey, and am unsure... but in any case, even though I'm not asexual, I can often relate to asexual experiences, so I like hanging out in the asexual community.

[NHD]

I'm in a weird place with this right now. I used to not desire sex for a while. The majority of my PIV experiences were not satisfying, which for a long time made me try to avoid it as much as possible. Then the last guy I slept with proved to me that sex is not overrated. Because we were supposedly friends and he was Very good at it, I gave it to him every chance I had, smh. For a period of time I felt ready to give it up a little more freely than when I started out. Nowadays I think if my next partner gives me what I call "average" PIV (like what I used to get prior to him), I probably won't be so turned on by it. I think I'm still learning, so only time will tell for me.

[EagleVsCrow]

Well... This topic and these replies put me at ease. I was looking for something similar to my experience; I found it. I'm curious though - I'm identifying as asexual currently and it feels correct. But sometime I find myself questioning it... Like trying to invalidate my own experience with my other experiences (looking for flaws in my behavior so I don't fit the label I'm choosing).

 

In my case I have very minimal sexual attraction to anyone (there are a select group of people that cause this - but never outside of a relationship). I love relationships with lots of physical intimacy and frankly care more about the romantic connection than the sex. The points I get stuck on are: 1) Although, sex is something I think I want in a relationship to deepen the connection (doesn't have to be often just something that could be there) is that too out of the asexual realm?; 2) similar to what has been mentioned before, in the context of a relationship I can be quite sexual... Speaking from past relationships. It just makes me think I'm weird identifying as ace with this desire for sex when I'm in an intimate relationship.

 

Currently I'm starting one that has minimal sexual prospects in it and am a bit anxious about it (will I need sex?) - but also there's solace in the lack of pressure involved. So confusing! 

 

Those points have me questioning... Don't know if I actually should be though. 

[aspiemason82]

Im demi and Grey and i think i can recognize myself in what your talking about, but im still unsure iff its what im at. I dont date that often, In fact it can take years to find someone sence i live in a small town and i dont got a driving license so im pretty much stuck where im at. When i start to date (its never myself who takes the initiative) i feel more flattered someone shows an interest in me and i kept my sexual preferences to my self for long time. When i feel the bound (iff i do) i can relax and let out that sexual feelings and fantasys i kept for myself. So for me it has to do whit the amount of time ive been single. Iff its just a few months i been whitout a partner when i let loose i dont get that overly sexualised. But iff its been years (the longest time were 8 years between) i get realy sexualised instead. I can feel a person is good looking iff they walk by but when thyre out of my sight i dont tend to think more about them. I can fantasys while masturbating (yes i do masturbate), but after i cum the sexual thoughts all disapear unless its someone im in a relationship whit.  Prior to me finding out my sexuality i had one night stands whit strangers or people i just met hours prior and afterwards i got anxiety.

[Guest34]

On 5/27/2022 at 5:53 AM, Demitone said:

*cw some discussion of sex*

 

To my fellow demisexuals, I was wondering if anyone else feels this way: When I find someone I'm attracted to and am dating, definitely after making that emotional bond, I can find myself being very sexual, even hypersexual with that person in particular. The idea of sex with other people is still eh and attraction to people is still super rare. But in the context of a relationship I find myself to be a very sexual person. This can honestly be a bit jarring for me since sex and sexual attraction are not things I tend to think about but then I find myself in these hyper-sexual states. And though I am very confident in my identity, I sometimes feel odd identifying with the asexual community when I'm in a relationship because I am so sexual and appear allosexual inside the context of the relationship. Was wondering if anyone else experienced anything similar

I feel very similar to this. I had never experienced sexual feelings or had a libido, no attraction, I did spend a lot of time thinking something was wrong with me. I did try to be like everyone else but it’s was really traumatic for me. I never want to force myself to be with anyone I have no connection to, it caused me a great pain and depression. 
 

By my past I would have put myself in the category of Asexual, sex repulsed and no libido. When I met my wife, that all completely changed for me. With her I found this deep amazing connection that awaken me in every way. What did shock me was the sexual side. It was like going from 0 to 100 over night. I wanted to do everything with her that I couldn’t bring myself to do with anyone else, with her it’s like I have a high libido, can not get enough of her. Yes I still feel no attraction to anyone else, so sexual desire or feelings outside of our relationship and I can not experience sexual pleasure on my own without her. 
 

I do still feel very on my own with how I am because it seems most Asexual/Demisexual individuals either feel no libido or high. But I’ve have none before my wife and now it’s only her I can experience these sexual feelings with and it’s really extreme in a good way. 

[Guest]

I am exactly the same, but that's why I identify on the sexual spectrum rather than with asexuality. Average sexual folks don't all want sex 24/7 or desire sex at the drop of a hat or whatever, many do need a bond to feel that desire and that bond may be rare for them. For me, it's only happened a couple of times in my entire life (i'm in my 30s) and both times were online so I never got to actually have sex with the people I felt that bond with, haha. But yeah, I have all the same sexual feelings and desires all other sexual folks do, when I feel that connection. Demisexual is just the name given to that variant of sexuality (though demisexuals have much in common with asexuals when they don't feel that bond, hence why many feel so comfortable within the asexual community!)  

[Guest]

I get it. 

[Siimo van der fietspad]

On 5/27/2022 at 7:02 PM, Arctangent said:

I'm not demi, but I feel like I fall in a weird space where I'm too sexual to be asexual but I'm not exactly a "normal" sexual either. At one point in my life I identified as asexual and had no interest in sex, and that made things simple. Then I had a few years where I got attracted to a couple people and got into sexual relationships with them, which I enjoyed at the time, but both of those fizzled out. Later I became sexually attracted to another person, but they turned out to be asexual, and we now have a mostly nonsexual romantic relationship (which I am fine with - my sexual desire is kinda flaky anyway so in some ways this makes things easier). So now I'm in more of an asexual "mode," since I don't have any sexual interest in anyone currently and feel satisfied by nonsexual intimacy... but I still recall being more sexual in the past. I have a sense that I could be more sexual again in the future, in the right situation, but it doesn't feel necessary to my happiness currently, so I'm not actively pursuing that.

 

I agree with this. I think the boundary between grey/demi and "not-very-sexual sexual" is pretty fuzzy, and if you fall in that fuzzy zone, it can be kind of a subjective judgment call whether you align yourself more with the sexual side of the spectrum or the asexual side. I still wonder if I'm close "enough" to asexual to call myself grey, and am unsure... but in any case, even though I'm not asexual, I can often relate to asexual experiences, so I like hanging out in the asexual community.

I feel this way too. There are certain sexual acts I've been happy to do with partners and perhaps even enjoyed but I don't actively seek it out and wouldn't mind never engaging in it again if my partner was satisfied with that.

[LadyL]

On 5/27/2022 at 12:53 AM, Demitone said:

*cw some discussion of sex*

 

To my fellow demisexuals, I was wondering if anyone else feels this way: When I find someone I'm attracted to and am dating, definitely after making that emotional bond, I can find myself being very sexual, even hypersexual with that person in particular. The idea of sex with other people is still eh and attraction to people is still super rare. But in the context of a relationship I find myself to be a very sexual person. This can honestly be a bit jarring for me since sex and sexual attraction are not things I tend to think about but then I find myself in these hyper-sexual states. And though I am very confident in my identity, I sometimes feel odd identifying with the asexual community when I'm in a relationship because I am so sexual and appear allosexual inside the context of the relationship. Was wondering if anyone else experienced anything similar

Yes, I can relate to most of what you shared.

Except for feeling odd identifying with the Asexual community while in said relationship.

 

For me, I’m still very aware that if the connection were to fade that I wouldn’t still experience sexual attraction/desire for the person.
And I’m always cognizant that I don’t feel sexual attraction/desire for anyone else while in such a relationship.

[Karekare]

Oh definitely! Just for me personally, my brain just inherently correlates romantic and sexual attraction. So if I have no feelings for someone, I have no sex drive. But when I'm really in love with someone, I want to be intimate with them sexually as a way of being romantic and loving. When I'm single I feel completely asexual and have such low sex drive I don't even really masturbate, but when I'm in a relationship I have a pretty high sex drive and love the idea of it (specifically with my partner of course).

 

I think it's definitely caused me to have some back and forth whiplash with my identity to the point where after getting with my current partner I felt so sexually attracted to him I stopped using the label of demisexual for a bit. But a few months in I got pretty reminded that I still have absolutely no attraction to other people and don't even really understand how attraction works for a lot of non-aspec/allo people, which made me start questioning myself again and led me back to the demisexual label.