Did my husband "become" asexual?

[WhoamI]

Hi, I’m new here, and new to this whole idea of asexual persons. I am, or was, very sexual. When I met my husband 10 years ago, he told me up front that sex was one of the least priorities on his list. In my mind, I thought he was saying he wouldn’t hassle me about it all the time like some men. Little did I realize or understand to what degree he was really talking about. I didn’t find out until about 5 years into the marriage.

The first 5 years, we had a great sex life. Both of us were into it, both of us initiated it. We did the deed in unusual places for the thrill of it, and enjoyed a passionate and healthy sex life. Then the bomb dropped. For some reason, and rather suddenly, my husband stopped wanting anything to do with me sexually. He withdrew from me, and turned down my advances, often leaving me with hurt feelings because I couldn’t understand what was wrong.

When I brought it up, he gave me whatever reason he could think of. His reasons were always different, and there were many, therefore I felt he was avoiding the truth, which had to be ME. But, he always said it wasn’t me. That was hard to believe. I struggled with my self esteem, self worth, and self value for the next 2 solid years. We never touched each other, and he never gave me a reason I could believe, because (looking back now) I don’t think he knew himself.

I wondered if I meant anything at all to him. I wondered if he really loved me, if I was nothing more than a roommate to him, if he was pushing me away looking for a way out. I became depressed, and walked around expecting him to leave me. It was very hard emotionally and mentally to deal with this.

Eventually, after the 2 year period, and a very shaky 3rd year, we slowly became involved again. It was nothing like it had been, nor will it ever be again. Something inside me died during that emotionally trying time. A part of me was just lost, and will probably never surface again. Anyway, we were intimate only a few times a year for a couple years which gave us 2 beautiful babies. Since the birth of our last baby, we’ve not been intimate, and it seems like this is just how it’s going to be.

Well, the other day on the Montel show, we learned of this ‘asexual’ thing. I asked him if he identified with it, and he said "somewhat". He actually looked visibly relieved, but that may have been my imagination. If this is his truth, and he really is and desires to be asexual, then I can handle that. I can remain completely faithful, in love, and happy with him and our marriage. If he is really asexual, I can finally believe that it is not me that is turning him off and driving him away. I can feel valuable again.

When I ever brought this up on other forums to try to find some answers, everyone thought I was crazy, because it’s very rare to hear of a man who isn’t interested in sex. It is so uncommon that my concerns were often just joked about instead of rationally discussed, that is why I am so glad to have found this place.

I love my husband and our family more than I can say. I’m ready to choose to live this lifestyle and stand by his side, if I know it is real. I’m just still so unsure, because of our intimate history. I don't want this to be an "excuse" for him to avoid me for other reasons. My greatest fear is that he will find that spark, attraction, and desire in someone else and leave me. I couldn’t bear that.

Anyway, I hope what I tried to say made some sense. I’m still a little confused about all of this.

Thanks for listening.

[thylacine]

I dunno... most of the people around here seem to have been asexual all their lives. Myself, I never developed any interest in sex, and never even thought about it.

People have asked me to marry them. When you're pretty, people ask you to marry them -- probably only for that reason -- sad to say... A lot of men don't care anything about a girl's intellect or likes & dislikes or personality. I'd say, "Why do you want to marry me? We have nothing in common." "Because you're so beautiful." Honestly, made me wanna puke...

So I'm 42 & never got married. I just knew it was something I'd be better off skipping in life. I sometimes think people get married because they think they're "supposed to." Like, you learn to ride a bike, you go to school, first job, college, better job, then marriage, then house, then kids, then old age... then the end of life itself... I skipped the marriage & kids thing. I have a college education, a career, and a house. No husband, no kids. My friends & pain in the butt co-workers are always whining that they "feel sorry for me" because I have "no one to take care of me" -- like as if I needed a big strong man to do my thinking for me. But when I see all the stress they have, fights with their husbands, problems with their kids, I actually think my life is better... a lot less stressful... !!!

But anyway.... you say your husband was "active" for some time early in your marriage. On the other hand, it wasn't that important for him.

Could he have just had sex in an effort to "be like everyone else," or something like that, and not wanted it deep down? That's the only thing I can think of... A lot of people try all their lives to "fit in" and conform to society. Check out that movie, "Far From Heaven." It's an awesome movie. This lady has this perfect home, a perfect marriage, perfect children... and suddenly finds out her husband is gay & was hiding it all those years & pretending to be straight... He gives up on trying to fit in and runs off with a boyfriend, and she falls in love with a black guy.... Awesome movie. Try & rent it. Basically, everyone just has to face who they really are, and stop pretending they're someone they're not.

Good luck. Hope it works out for you.

[M51]

I agree with Thylacine. he told you in the beginning that sex was not a priority, which suggests that he suspected he was asexual even if he had no word for it.

Sex is a lot of things to people these days, and oftentimes an asexual will have sex for reasons other than actual sexual desire. You talk about having sex in different locations for the thrill of it - I have heard sexuals talk about this and the sex can be just awful; they just want to know (and sometimes tell others) that they did the deed in these locations. In other words, sexual activities like that are not actually about the sex. They are about bonding through a shared experience of doing something taboo and shocking and getting away with it. So he could have really enjoyed these little adventures for the adventure even if he was asexual.

Some asexuals talk about the physical challenge of giving their partners satisfying sexual experiences; others simply want to keep their partners happy.

So he could very well be an asexual. If you can truly accept this then I encourage you to stick around AVEN to learn and share experiences, and good luck with everything!

[WhoamI]

Thank you for your responses. I am just so unsure and confused about my husband's actions. I think it is much harder for a woman to deal with having an asexual male partner than the other way around.

Society often labels some women as being 'frigid'. They even accept and excuse a man for cheating on his wife if she isn't sexually satisfying him!!! (poor guy *roll eyes*)

If a woman steps out on her husband for the same reason, she will be labeled a whore, slut, and every other word in the book. It is just not heard of (until now) in the mainstream of society for a male not to want sex.

I don't think hubby was enjoying our previous sex life just to make me happy or to fit in. I know him, and I know he was thoroughly enjoying himself as much as I was. We never talked about the things we did outside of the two of us either. Its not like we were exhibitionists or anything, we just enjoyed each other back then and tried different things.

Something just flipped his switch off. He gave me so many different reasons and excuses that it is very difficult to accept one, even this one of being asexual. Had he kept the same reason each time, it might be easier to believe. Do you know what I mean? I do mentally understand that he may have been confused himself, but at the same time, what if this is just another excuse? Anyway.

I think at this point in time, what bothers me most is his lack of effort to fill the void we have now. I mean if he isn't interested in being physically intimate, he needs to show me how he feels in other ways.. surprise me with flowers, take me on a date. Do some little small special thing for me on a personal level, just to show me I am important and loved. When that physical intimacy is gone, and there is no other level of personal intimacy to carry that bond and connection... that's when the partner starts to feel unsure and insecure of the relationship.

Now, I have a question. Some of you say you have never been interested in sex, or have never been sexually attracted to anyone. Do you ever satisfy yourself with masturbation, or is that urge, or need, just never there either? I'm not trying to be graphic or funny, I am seriously curious and trying to understand all of this. Are you sexual, just not with other people, or are you not sexual in any way shape or form?

Thanks again.

[Hallucigenia]

Now, I have a question. Some of you say you have never been interested in sex, or have never been sexually attracted to anyone. Do you ever satisfy yourself with masturbation, or is that urge, or need, just never there either? I'm not trying to be graphic or funny, I am seriously curious and trying to understand all of this. Are you sexual, just not with other people, or are you not sexual in any way shape or form?

There are some asexuals who have sex drives that they prefer to satisfy with masturbation; some enjoy the act and others just view it as a necessary way to get rid of arousal. Either way, they consider it a private thing, like going to the bathroom, that they don't really want to share with another person.

There are other asexuals who have never had that physical drive and do not masturbate. These would fit your description of "not sexual in any way shape or form".

There's actually tons of diversity within the asexual community, which is one of the interesting things about it. Feel free to ask more questions if you are curious about other things - after all, that's why we have "education" in our name. :)

[............]

I am one of those people who was sexual at a young age, but grew into asexuality, so it is indeed possible that he developed into it. (Although, even now, I'm still not that old.)

I very much agree, however, that if an asexual is in a relationship with another person, they need to have some way other than sex to show that they care about the person. Perhaps a discussion of other ways to do that would be helpful? (Assuming that you haven't tried to already. He may just not be aware that his feelings for you aren't coming through.)

[thylacine]

I never needed any so called "satisfaction" of any kind... I just don't get why people feel they have these "needs" or these "urges." Sex just doesn't exist in my universe. But that's me, and probably a lot of other people around here... I suppose most people out in the world have these "needs" but there are people who just don't.

Well... good luck with your issues. Hope it works out for you. Just remember, if a person is asexual, it's not "about you" okay? It does not mean you're not attractive anymore, or that he doesn't love you. It just means he's not into sex. Most likely he still loves you, but like you said, something flipped his switch.

[frustr8ed]

I don't think he became asexual -- it looks like something else is the cause of this----

I think you should go see a therapist with him.