I need help...

[TiredandWorn]

I found this forum a few days ago and have been looking through every day since trying to find answers to the questions I have. I figured it's time to put myself out there and seek support, understanding, information, and help and this is the place to find that. 

A little background on me: I was married for 6 years and was abused for most of it. The end result of that was a son whom I have raised on my own since he was 1. Not only did I suffer abuse but I was cheated on at the end of it. This culmination of events coupled with my already very low image of self and low self esteem made me really find it difficult to trust and be in a relationship.

I was on dating apps but struggle to be vulnerable. My fears always stepped in as fear of being hurt or feelings that I am not good enough would set in. Then I found her. I found the woman who is the kindest most caring person this world has produced. She makes me feel seen and validated. She listened and showed empathy. She became like a Mum to my son and he adores her. We communicate amazingly, she is funny, attractive, and I love her with a love that feels like it reaches the depths of my heart. 

I wouldn't say sexuality has been an "issue" for us, more of a situation that needed some careful navigating. We both have experienced adverse childhood experiences and that coupled with my past relationship meant it had an effect on the are of sexual intimacy for us. Despite being together almost a year, sex is something that hasn't happened yet. From the early days it was discussed as "We will get there" and "It's being worked on." And it was. So waiting was completely fine. We would discuss our plans for a family (She will be an AMAZING Mum) and have been planning our life together. 

 

Last week she said she discovered asexuality and it's making a lot of sense to her. I feel it has helped her understand a lot of feelings she has had her whole life. We've had a few long chats that really cut me to the heart. She told me she has never been sexually attracted to me. That we may never be intimate. If it were up to her, she would keep it just how it is for our lives. 
In honesty, I know this isn't a me thing. But my mind is telling me otherwise. It's screaming insecurity at me. Screaming "of course she wouldn't want that. You gained 30lbs and look terrible..." The way my brain is wired, sex is one of the closest things you can do with someone and is something I have been aching for with her for a long time. I've never had a massively high sex drive for a guy but the idea of not engaging in that for the rest of my life is a very difficult pill to swallow. 

 

So I am here. I'm asking for help to understand. Help me to understand from her point of view. Help me to see if there is a middle ground. I am desperate to make it work for us and I love her more than anyone I've ever loved. Help me to readjust my mindset so it isn't my insecurities and emotion running the show. Just please help...

[Mountain House]

Hi @TiredandWorn, welcome.

 

There are a couple things happening here that stand out to me.

 

First, your love for yourself. If you aren't already, maybe you should consider therapy for yourself. You are valuable and worthy of the space you occupy in this world. You deserve love.

 

The next thing I wondered was how much your girlfriend has deep dived how she really feels about sex. What you need to know is that it is not true that all asexual people are sex averse, that some do have sex, and that they do enjoy it. Only she can tell you where she is.

 

She commented that if things were up to her then things would remain as they are. This, to me, doesn't say sex will never happen, only that sex isn't an important part of a relationship for her. You are in a relationship; this is up to the two of you. You count.

 

You sort of weakly suggest here that sex is something you need to feel fulfilled and happy in life. (you are aching for but you don't state that you need) Can you be firm in that statement. To yourself? To her? How much of this have you shared with her?

 

Internet friends like myself can only go on what we read in what you've written and I may be wrong all around. If she's told you she does not want sex then she's told you all you need to know about a sex life with her.

 

Your last paragraph - understanding:

• Her point of view - You can learn about asexuality and the spectrum here at AVEN but her point of view is hers, you'll have to continue conversations with her to get that.
• middle ground - nobody here can know. Hopefully @brbdogsonfirewill show up and describe how his relationship works because to me your relationship sounds like it could be similar.
• Desperation and love don't make a healthy relationship. Just be aware of that.

And finally for this:

43 minutes ago, TiredandWorn said:

Help me to readjust my mindset so it isn't my insecurities and emotion running the show.

This seems a bigger issue to me. I think you should consider professional help but that's really up to you.

 

You matter.

[Phalena]

Hi and welcome to AVEN!

 

I can understand that this is hard for you. But let me say this: it's great that you have been putting yourself out there! You are making progress and your relationship sounds quite healthy so far. Please know that it's not your fault, neither is it your partner's. Asexuality, like other forms of attraction just are. There is no real way to explain them and it's certainly not to spite anyone.

 

I'm not sure how much you have read on the 'sexual partners and allies' thread yet. It's important to be patient with yourself and with your partner. Just as they have to do the same. Which is easier said than done, obviously. It's also important to communicate openly. It will take time to find acceptance and ways to compromise. It's totally normal. But you have all the time in the world to see what you can agree on.

However, it's also important to notice that a relationship between sexual and asexual is also likely to end. Sexual needs, or lack thereof, are a basic thing and it can seem almost impossible to accept when it's not compatible. It also needs to be said that sometimes, compromises can't be found and in such case it might be easier to end the relationship.

 

A question you may ask yourself is: Where is your limit? Similarily, it's a question for your partner.

Is it possible to agree on when to have sex or how often? What are the boundaries when having sex?

Would you, and would your partner be fine with opening the relationship in that regard? Or is it out of the question to sleep with somone else?

 

I really wish you, your partner and your child all the best! I'm sure that you are amazing people. Have a virtual hug!

[EmeraldIce]

From the asexual perspective, if we chose to stay a relationship with someone beyond the honeymoon phase, it's because we love them and want to be with them. It's because we have compatible values, compatible lifestyles, compatible goals, and we see a future with them. Whether or not we're sexually attracted to them, they're still the person we chose to live our lives with, presumably the person we love and care about the most in the world, save our own parents and kids.

 

We don't necessarily understand why people tie sexual desirability with self-worth, because we've never seen the world from a sexual perspective. And from our perspective, we can experience all sorts of emotions and appreciate people in all sorts of ways without sexuality entering the equation. Because sexuality is simply not something that's super relevant to us. We can appreciate the aesthetics of someone's body without being turned on. We can fully enjoy a cuddle and possibly even other sorts of touching without being turned on. We can love enough to be absolutely devasted by someone's loss, to willingly go bankrupt and homeless to save them, without wishing to have sex with them. Just because your partner is not sexually attracted to you doesn't make you ugly or undesirable. If it does, then every single person in this world is ugly and undesirable because she's not attracted to them either.

 

For us, a partner is basically family that we chose for ourselves, that we cherish all the more because we chose them for ourselves. We don't see our parents or kids in a sexual way, and that doesn't diminish our love for them. It's the same for an asexual in a happy relationship.

 

Now for the more practical stuff, some asexuals are perfectly willing to have sex or entertain the idea of sex. From your description, it doesn't sound like you've been very vocal in your desire for sex in your relationship. In fact, you make yourself sound like you also had a part in avoiding it. If sex is important to you, you need to tell your partner this so that she can understand and so that you can work out a solution. The solution could take one of many forms. Having sex on a set schedule could be one of them. Not having sex can be one of them. Having an open relationship can be one of them. It depends on what's important to you guys.

[alto]

Trust me, if she is Asexual, it says NOTHING about you.  She probably loves and adores you just as much as you love and adore her.

 

 

[brbdogsonfire]

14 hours ago, TiredandWorn said:

I found this forum a few days ago and have been looking through every day since trying to find answers to the questions I have. I figured it's time to put myself out there and seek support, understanding, information, and help and this is the place to find that. 

A little background on me: I was married for 6 years and was abused for most of it. The end result of that was a son whom I have raised on my own since he was 1. Not only did I suffer abuse but I was cheated on at the end of it. This culmination of events coupled with my already very low image of self and low self esteem made me really find it difficult to trust and be in a relationship.

I was on dating apps but struggle to be vulnerable. My fears always stepped in as fear of being hurt or feelings that I am not good enough would set in. Then I found her. I found the woman who is the kindest most caring person this world has produced. She makes me feel seen and validated. She listened and showed empathy. She became like a Mum to my son and he adores her. We communicate amazingly, she is funny, attractive, and I love her with a love that feels like it reaches the depths of my heart. 

I wouldn't say sexuality has been an "issue" for us, more of a situation that needed some careful navigating. We both have experienced adverse childhood experiences and that coupled with my past relationship meant it had an effect on the are of sexual intimacy for us. Despite being together almost a year, sex is something that hasn't happened yet. From the early days it was discussed as "We will get there" and "It's being worked on." And it was. So waiting was completely fine. We would discuss our plans for a family (She will be an AMAZING Mum) and have been planning our life together. 

 

Last week she said she discovered asexuality and it's making a lot of sense to her. I feel it has helped her understand a lot of feelings she has had her whole life. We've had a few long chats that really cut me to the heart. She told me she has never been sexually attracted to me. That we may never be intimate. If it were up to her, she would keep it just how it is for our lives. 
In honesty, I know this isn't a me thing. But my mind is telling me otherwise. It's screaming insecurity at me. Screaming "of course she wouldn't want that. You gained 30lbs and look terrible..." The way my brain is wired, sex is one of the closest things you can do with someone and is something I have been aching for with her for a long time. I've never had a massively high sex drive for a guy but the idea of not engaging in that for the rest of my life is a very difficult pill to swallow. 

 

So I am here. I'm asking for help to understand. Help me to understand from her point of view. Help me to see if there is a middle ground. I am desperate to make it work for us and I love her more than anyone I've ever loved. Help me to readjust my mindset so it isn't my insecurities and emotion running the show. Just please help...

This does sound similar to my current relationship in many ways. I also am a sexual male that is dating an asexual female we have been togehter for roughly 10 years, and we both consider ourselves happy and content in our relationship. It has not always been that way and it has been a difficult road to navigate at times. I will also start by saying the vast majority of mixed orientation relationships end in failure based on watching relationships on this site frequently fail over the years. If either of you get to the point you realize you cannot continue the relationship due to the difference in sexual orientation then I hope you both can accept that and blame neither yourselves or your partner. 

 

Before I met my current partner I was also married but in total I was in a relationship with that person for less than 4 years, maybe 3. She was emotionally abusive and I had major hangups about my sexuality for a long time due to how she treated me when it came to sex. She frequently cheated on me with a couple of my friends and it caused longterm self esteem issues and an inability to trust romantic partners for years afterwards.

 

My partner now is the single best part of my life and has helped me continue to overcome the personal flaws I developed due to my previous relationship. We are best friends with many common interests, life goals, and a general agreement on long term plans such as where we want to end up and how we want to achieve our financial goals. She is my world, and I would simply be lost without her. I also have severe trust issues due to past relationships, and I have naturally trusted her since we met.

 

With that out of the way I will be frank about the sexual front as you should try to develop an honest idea of what your relationship may be like. First if she is sex repulsed sex simply will not be possible without you breaking her down. You don't sound like you would do this and that's good as you would be a massive asshole if you did, seriously do not do this. If she is sex neutral to positive the areas in which she is comfortable with sex may change in time, but that is also pretty unlikely although I can tell you what me and my partner have discovered over time that has worked for us. Its not a miracle cure and is simply a different way of viewing sexuality in a relationship.

 

My partner and I did not have any sexual contact for probably around a year and a half into our relationship, and we did not have penetrative sex for almost 2 years. I wish we both could have been more confident discussing our feelings on sex at the time as she had some views on what it would include what it wouldnt, such as thinking I would expect sex nearly daily due to what she had always been told by her friends and  Aven.  I also was still having major sexual hangups and didnt feel comfortable discussing my needs or how I felt. I allowed myself to mostly suffer in silence, and she allowed herself to feel like she was "broken". Even after we started being more comfortable and sexual activity between us became easier I did not realize the pressure that she faced even when I felt like I was satisfied. Although I was not directly doing anything to cause her to feel pressured she felt pressured to do sexual stuff even when I often told her we didnt need to. She had believed, unfortunately due to several people on this site, that I would never be willing to stick around if she ever took sex and sexual contact off the table. When I finally realized the pressure she was under and why she felt pressured we had a conversation about the situation, and I told her the simple truth that I would be willing to stay in the relationship if sex was removed. We agreed if it ever goes that way or if sex ever becomes less frequent than I can handle that we will open up the relationship, but with rules. Her knowing she doesnt have to do anything has helped her mental health, and knowing she is no longer feeling pressured has helped me as well. In addition knowing I could go try and have sex with others if needed has helped me not feel upset when sexual contact is not as frequent as I would like. It has simply removed a lot of pressure from our relationship. Removing the pressure has helped the sexual front of our relationship as well as she is much more willing to engage in the activities now. This also seems to be a pretty unique situation here so I do not know if it could help anyone else.

 

Mixed orientation relationships are difficult. There is no shame in one failing. Neither of you are bad people if your relationship fails as long as you are both respectful to each other. If either of you need it to end then you should end it as soon as possible. I do wish you luck in your relationship if  you continue to persue it. I will happily answer and give any advice that I can.

[Lara Black]

I agree with the previous members who recommended therapy. Being together with an ace person can be absolutely wonderful, but it is often challenging. It’s not just you – we, allosexuals, are brought up to regard sex as the greatest validation of ourselves and our relationships. Take that away, and many of us start questioning the existence of love itself, our physical and personal attractiveness and so on.

 

It is possible to find alternative ways how your partner can help you feel loved, can show her attraction to you. However, if there’s a sex-shaped hole in your heart that nothing else can fill at the moment, all her efforts will be in vain.

A therapist (mind you, an ace-accepting or an open-minded one, at least) can help you get to the core of your fears and fix them. That doesn’t mean that your partner‘s asexuality will be something you’ll start feeling happy about. Good case scenario - you will be able to take it as one of those things we don’t like about our loved ones but we can live with.

 

We here can tell you a dozen times that it’s not about you or her feelings towards you, but the effect will be temporary at best. If you’re serious about building a life with her, therapy looks like your best bet.

[MyWifeIsAce]

23 hours ago, EmeraldIce said:

From the asexual perspective, if we chose to stay a relationship with someone beyond the honeymoon phase, it's because we love them and want to be with them. It's because we have compatible values, compatible lifestyles, compatible goals, and we see a future with them. Whether or not we're sexually attracted to them, they're still the person we chose to live our lives with, presumably the person we love and care about the most in the world, save our own parents and kids.

 

We don't necessarily understand why people tie sexual desirability with self-worth, because we've never seen the world from a sexual perspective. And from our perspective, we can experience all sorts of emotions and appreciate people in all sorts of ways without sexuality entering the equation. Because sexuality is simply not something that's super relevant to us. We can appreciate the aesthetics of someone's body without being turned on. We can fully enjoy a cuddle and possibly even other sorts of touching without being turned on. We can love enough to be absolutely devasted by someone's loss, to willingly go bankrupt and homeless to save them, without wishing to have sex with them. Just because your partner is not sexually attracted to you doesn't make you ugly or undesirable. If it does, then every single person in this world is ugly and undesirable because she's not attracted to them either.

 

For us, a partner is basically family that we chose for ourselves, that we cherish all the more because we chose them for ourselves. We don't see our parents or kids in a sexual way, and that doesn't diminish our love for them. It's the same for an asexual in a happy relationship.

 

Now for the more practical stuff, some asexuals are perfectly willing to have sex or entertain the idea of sex. From your description, it doesn't sound like you've been very vocal in your desire for sex in your relationship. In fact, you make yourself sound like you also had a part in avoiding it. If sex is important to you, you need to tell your partner this so that she can understand and so that you can work out a solution. The solution could take one of many forms. Having sex on a set schedule could be one of them. Not having sex can be one of them. Having an open relationship can be one of them. It depends on what's important to you guys.

Thank you sooooo much for this post. Hearing this, reading this is so helpful to read, feel, and understand. I can not thank you enough for your perspective and understanding of both self and a sexual partners perspective. 🍰💜

[MyWifeIsAce]

10 hours ago, brbdogsonfire said:

This does sound similar to my current relationship in many ways. I also am a sexual male that is dating an asexual female we have been togehter for roughly 10 years, and we both consider ourselves happy and content in our relationship. It has not always been that way and it has been a difficult road to navigate at times. I will also start by saying the vast majority of mixed orientation relationships end in failure based on watching relationships on this site frequently fail over the years. If either of you get to the point you realize you cannot continue the relationship due to the difference in sexual orientation then I hope you both can accept that and blame neither yourselves or your partner. 

 

Before I met my current partner I was also married but in total I was in a relationship with that person for less than 4 years, maybe 3. She was emotionally abusive and I had major hangups about my sexuality for a long time due to how she treated me when it came to sex. She frequently cheated on me with a couple of my friends and it caused longterm self esteem issues and an inability to trust romantic partners for years afterwards.

 

My partner now is the single best part of my life and has helped me continue to overcome the personal flaws I developed due to my previous relationship. We are best friends with many common interests, life goals, and a general agreement on long term plans such as where we want to end up and how we want to achieve our financial goals. She is my world, and I would simply be lost without her. I also have severe trust issues due to past relationships, and I have naturally trusted her since we met.

 

With that out of the way I will be frank about the sexual front as you should try to develop an honest idea of what your relationship may be like. First if she is sex repulsed sex simply will not be possible without you breaking her down. You don't sound like you would do this and that's good as you would be a massive asshole if you did, seriously do not do this. If she is sex neutral to positive the areas in which she is comfortable with sex may change in time, but that is also pretty unlikely although I can tell you what me and my partner have discovered over time that has worked for us. Its not a miracle cure and is simply a different way of viewing sexuality in a relationship.

 

My partner and I did not have any sexual contact for probably around a year and a half into our relationship, and we did not have penetrative sex for almost 2 years. I wish we both could have been more confident discussing our feelings on sex at the time as she had some views on what it would include what it wouldnt, such as thinking I would expect sex nearly daily due to what she had always been told by her friends and  Aven.  I also was still having major sexual hangups and didnt feel comfortable discussing my needs or how I felt. I allowed myself to mostly suffer in silence, and she allowed herself to feel like she was "broken". Even after we started being more comfortable and sexual activity between us became easier I did not realize the pressure that she faced even when I felt like I was satisfied. Although I was not directly doing anything to cause her to feel pressured she felt pressured to do sexual stuff even when I often told her we didnt need to. She had believed, unfortunately due to several people on this site, that I would never be willing to stick around if she ever took sex and sexual contact off the table. When I finally realized the pressure she was under and why she felt pressured we had a conversation about the situation, and I told her the simple truth that I would be willing to stay in the relationship if sex was removed. We agreed if it ever goes that way or if sex ever becomes less frequent than I can handle that we will open up the relationship, but with rules. Her knowing she doesnt have to do anything has helped her mental health, and knowing she is no longer feeling pressured has helped me as well. In addition knowing I could go try and have sex with others if needed has helped me not feel upset when sexual contact is not as frequent as I would like. It has simply removed a lot of pressure from our relationship. Removing the pressure has helped the sexual front of our relationship as well as she is much more willing to engage in the activities now. This also seems to be a pretty unique situation here so I do not know if it could help anyone else.

 

Mixed orientation relationships are difficult. There is no shame in one failing. Neither of you are bad people if your relationship fails as long as you are both respectful to each other. If either of you need it to end then you should end it as soon as possible. I do wish you luck in your relationship if  you continue to persue it. I will happily answer and give any advice that I can.

I’m so happy I found this post. Knowing there is another couple out there with our same scenario and working towards understanding and healing is so heart warming. I can’t wait to discover other posts you have shared and will enjoy following you. Thank you