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a rant on not quite feeling asexual


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I sometimes wonder how I can explain why I'm asexual. On the one hand, heeding the bedrock of the current LGBT+ movement, sexuality is not a choice (although, discussing the validity of biological determinism is its own can of worms). So perhaps the lack of sexual desire is also not a choice? But to me, my lack of sexual desire is a nebulous thing influenced by the particular cocktail of my life experiences.


First and probably the easiest ingredient in the mix: just feeling like an undesirable person. Having a facial deformation, a skin condition and basically no charisma. I'm the type of person that shows up as the side kick. The best friend. The sub plot. I could honestly never imagine letting someone touch me intimately or deriving pleasure from it, much less mustering up the courage to be vulnerable in the first place.

Second: my complicated feelings on who I'm attracted to. I know, deep within my gut, that I am not attracted to male aligning people. But I also don't feel particularly attracted to female aligning or non binary people. Aesthetically? Sure. Sexually? ....Not really. But like. A very lukewarm "not really".
My romantic attraction however? Very clear. Very homoromantic. No doubt about it. Yet a part of me wonders if I'm like the second wave feminists that chose lesbianism as a political act - did I "consciously" make this decision to only have relationships with female aligning people? Does that mean that it's not actually my sexuality if I "chose" it? I truly don't know how to disentangle these feelings.

Third. Being armchair diagnosed with sociopathy (by a formerly close parent no less) and forever afterwards trying to prove it wrong. Yet secretly wondering: maybe it's true?
The most formative period of my life - my adolescence - was riddled with bad communication and bad coping mechanisms in reaction to trauma (but not sexual trauma, it should be mentioned). Now I think it's agreed that good, consenting sexual encounters require vulnerability, trust and communication. Things that I am terrible at. And as someone constantly psychoanalyzing my actions in perpetual fear that I am somehow validating that armchair diagnosis - the thought that I could fuck up the communication so badly as to irreparably harm someone in a sexual encounter terrifies me. Terrifies me so much that the idea of sexually touching another person is just abhorrent to me. But is that truly a natural variation in my personhood? To me, it seems like a direct result of my experiences. While it's not a decision I made consciously, it was also not a thing that I was born with. It seems like a trauma that I've developed - something that you're supposed to fix with time and therapy.

So here I am. Not quite sure how much of my romantic and sexual orientation is something I was born with or something born from my experiences. How much of it even fits under the umbrella of asexuality - a supposed result of the natural variation of humankind. A trait that is beyond our control and hence beyond needing alteration. A civil right, if you will (and rightly so by the way).
On the other hand, it's a behavioural adjustment developed in reaction to trauma and experiences that requires "fixing". Or at least, "addressing". Like trust issues. Or PTSD. After all, you can medicate low libido, right? You can work through trauma to eventually enjoy sex, right? Right? (being semi-sarcastic here because we all know that medicating libido does not "cure" asexuality)
But seriously. Where is the line between treating self-destructing behaviour and...conversion therapy? The line between letting people see my vulnerabilities and pressuring me into having sex? One is supposed to be all good, all positive, even if it's difficult and the other is inhumane and a violation of human rights. My line in the sand has been thoroughly washed away with the tide.

 

Honestly I don't really know what to call myself. The more I try to explain myself, the more it feels like I'm invalidating my label of "asexual". Even attempting to claim a label of "sapphic" or "woman loving woman" feels disingenuous in a way I can't quite articulate.

At least amidst my identity chaos I am comfortable identifying as a woman.


Well thanks to anyone reading this long ass rant. It feels good to get it off my chest even if I don't have it all figured out.

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Since I'm bad at figuring this stuff out. Is this something you want or would appreciate specific response to? Or were you more, as the forum title might indicate to someone more intuitively minded (than myself) were just venting?

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I started calling myself asexual when I was 13. When I was 17, I stopped. I had a period of a number of years where I actually felt very angry about my time spent in ace spaces, because I was young and struggling with being trans and at least some attraction to men (which would be gay attraction, since I'm FTM) and also sexual and religious trauma on top of it. I felt like I had been misled and nobody tried to help me unlock my sexuality, truly.

 

I came out as trans to my mom when in September of 2020. At the start of 2021, I had this sudden gender crisis, despite identify as trans since 2013. I started wondering: what if I'm trans because I'm a sexual abuse survivor? It consumed me. It really, really destroyed my mental health. I lost friends over it. When it was all said and done, however, I did realize something: regardless of what "made me" trans, I am trans, and that's all there is to it. There's nothing innately better by conforming to societal expectations -- i.e., being cis or allosexual. I do have a strong sense that my gender is related to my trauma, but accepting that, and accepting that I am just trans, the end, has made me much happier.

 

I'm starting to do the same with ace/aro spaces again at nearly 24 years old. I don't know how well I fit in here, really, because I do experience sexual attraction and I've been in a romantic relationship for 2 1/2 years, but my realization from there extended outward to my forever complicated relationship with my sexuality. Maybe trying to force myself into occupying this aggressively sexual and romantic space I so desperately wanted to occupy is not me being "normal." What is wrong, exactly, with just being the way I am? Will it make me happier to be something I'm not, or will it make me happier to accept what I am now?

 

If asexual works for you, then use it. If, later on, you decide it doesn't, then that is also okay. The idea that we must be sexual and romantic and if we aren't, we are missing out on something is not one that is inherently good because it applies to most people. Likewise, even if there are extenuating circumstances surrounding your aceness, if you wanna call it that, that's fine. I've started resonating with aromantic and aplatonic in particular, even though I think it's a consequence of things like trauma, attachment issues, and some other diagnoses I have. Calling myself aplatonic as opposed to pathologizing myself has been really relieving, honestly. Maybe calling yourself asexual will bring some relief and peace, too.

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Sarah-Sylvia

Hi @_vika:)

I thought those were interesting thoughts. Sexuality is fluid to some degree, even if we are how we are. I've certainly changed through my life. I wouldn't be able to say how much of how I am now is how I was 'meant' to be, but I think the most important is to be true to us for where we are. Labels are just to help put words to how we think we are underneath. We can only do the best we know with them.

 

There's always reason to work on ourselves, to get to be more of ourselves, where there's more happiness for us. And I think that's a good measure, because you shouldn't force yourself to be a certain way,  it's just about being yourself. And maybe eventually you'll see that some things change if you feel better and some traumas heal, but you can't force it. Just do the best you can with what you know of yourself :). is my advice. Not that you asked for any but I tend to share on that level too xD.

 

If ever sex would feel like pressure, then don't do it, it should be because you want to, whether you feel drawn to it or you want to try, or whatever else. If you don't want it, it doesn't matter the reason. And if something changes and you want to, then you can go from there, not from 'should'. And from things you said, you don't sound sociopathic, you care about others and how you go about things socially. You're also pretty good a communicating things :D. I mean I know it's easier when writing but that still shows you can. But I know it can be hard in society for some things. I think some social aspects can be quite hard. I think you deserve to believe in yourself a little bit more. I know it was a rant too, and I'm glad if you could share some of those feelings, but I do think you have good stuff going too. and your thoughts make sense, even your confusion on sexuality. Anyway, thanks for sharing the thoughts you did 🌈

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SilenceRadio
2 hours ago, _vika said:

Yet a part of me wonders if I'm like the second wave feminists that chose lesbianism as a political act - did I "consciously" make this decision to only have relationships with female aligning people? Does that mean that it's not actually my sexuality if I "chose" it? I truly don't know how to disentangle these feelings.

What was wrong with these feminists was that they were so hateful of men that they started excluding trans women and bisexual women because they were seemingly "tainted" by manhood, and that all women needed to "choose" the "right" sexuality. You're not like that. Even if you were "consciously choosing" your sexuality (which is something I felt I was doing in the past), it wouldn't hurt anyone. Wanting to only have relationships with women is not bad in itself, even if you were attracted to men. As long as it's what you want, it's okay. The cause does not have to matter at all, or at least influence how you see your identity.

 

2 hours ago, _vika said:

How much of it even fits under the umbrella of asexuality - a supposed result of the natural variation of humankind. A trait that is beyond our control and hence beyond needing alteration. A civil right, if you will (and rightly so by the way).

Oh please, I don't want you thinking that way. I've been there before, and I understand how much the idea that "asexuality is not a choice" can affect you. You are natural. You are not broken. Asexuality shouldn't be accepted just because "it can't be changed", but because there's nothing harmful to it, whether it's "chosen" or not. Some people consider their transness to be a choice, for example, and I don't see the harm. People shouldn't be forced to "be the norm", it would imply that choosing asexuality would be a "bad choice". And it's not. You don't have to force yourself to want sex on the chance that you might not "actually be" asexual.

 

Labels are tools: you can use them if you feel they communicate something about you, and then drop them if they ever stop being useful. All you have is your experience, not the truth behind your "actual" sexuality, so focus on that. I've seen people who felt like they couldn't be "really asexual" because they experienced trauma or because they were only ace for "chemical reasons", and I don't want to see that again, to see asexuality being contrasted as "natural" and "beyond our control". Asexuality is not sacred.

 

2 hours ago, _vika said:

Honestly I don't really know what to call myself. The more I try to explain myself, the more it feels like I'm invalidating my label of "asexual". Even attempting to claim a label of "sapphic" or "woman loving woman" feels disingenuous in a way I can't quite articulate.

At least amidst my identity chaos I am comfortable identifying as a woman.

You're not invalidating the ace label. And, even if you somehow were, this is a common feeling among aces whose asexuality is not clear/"natural" enough. You might discover that "ace" no longer fit, or you might not. It's fine either way. I can't help you on the sapphic stuff, maybe @Life Of Tass might know something about it?

 

It always feel good to be at least certain on something, doesn't it?

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5 hours ago, _vika said:

I sometimes wonder how I can explain why I'm asexual. On the one hand, heeding the bedrock of the current LGBT+ movement, sexuality is not a choice (although, discussing the validity of biological determinism is its own can of worms). So perhaps the lack of sexual desire is also not a choice? But to me, my lack of sexual desire is a nebulous thing influenced by the particular cocktail of my life experiences.


First and probably the easiest ingredient in the mix: just feeling like an undesirable person. Having a facial deformation, a skin condition and basically no charisma. I'm the type of person that shows up as the side kick. The best friend. The sub plot. I could honestly never imagine letting someone touch me intimately or deriving pleasure from it, much less mustering up the courage to be vulnerable in the first place.

Second: my complicated feelings on who I'm attracted to. I know, deep within my gut, that I am not attracted to male aligning people. But I also don't feel particularly attracted to female aligning or non binary people. Aesthetically? Sure. Sexually? ....Not really. But like. A very lukewarm "not really".
My romantic attraction however? Very clear. Very homoromantic. No doubt about it. Yet a part of me wonders if I'm like the second wave feminists that chose lesbianism as a political act - did I "consciously" make this decision to only have relationships with female aligning people? Does that mean that it's not actually my sexuality if I "chose" it? I truly don't know how to disentangle these feelings.

Third. Being armchair diagnosed with sociopathy (by a formerly close parent no less) and forever afterwards trying to prove it wrong. Yet secretly wondering: maybe it's true?
The most formative period of my life - my adolescence - was riddled with bad communication and bad coping mechanisms in reaction to trauma (but not sexual trauma, it should be mentioned). Now I think it's agreed that good, consenting sexual encounters require vulnerability, trust and communication. Things that I am terrible at. And as someone constantly psychoanalyzing my actions in perpetual fear that I am somehow validating that armchair diagnosis - the thought that I could fuck up the communication so badly as to irreparably harm someone in a sexual encounter terrifies me. Terrifies me so much that the idea of sexually touching another person is just abhorrent to me. But is that truly a natural variation in my personhood? To me, it seems like a direct result of my experiences. While it's not a decision I made consciously, it was also not a thing that I was born with. It seems like a trauma that I've developed - something that you're supposed to fix with time and therapy.

So here I am. Not quite sure how much of my romantic and sexual orientation is something I was born with or something born from my experiences. How much of it even fits under the umbrella of asexuality - a supposed result of the natural variation of humankind. A trait that is beyond our control and hence beyond needing alteration. A civil right, if you will (and rightly so by the way).
On the other hand, it's a behavioural adjustment developed in reaction to trauma and experiences that requires "fixing". Or at least, "addressing". Like trust issues. Or PTSD. After all, you can medicate low libido, right? You can work through trauma to eventually enjoy sex, right? Right? (being semi-sarcastic here because we all know that medicating libido does not "cure" asexuality)
But seriously. Where is the line between treating self-destructing behaviour and...conversion therapy? The line between letting people see my vulnerabilities and pressuring me into having sex? One is supposed to be all good, all positive, even if it's difficult and the other is inhumane and a violation of human rights. My line in the sand has been thoroughly washed away with the tide.

 

Honestly I don't really know what to call myself. The more I try to explain myself, the more it feels like I'm invalidating my label of "asexual". Even attempting to claim a label of "sapphic" or "woman loving woman" feels disingenuous in a way I can't quite articulate.

At least amidst my identity chaos I am comfortable identifying as a woman.


Well thanks to anyone reading this long ass rant. It feels good to get it off my chest even if I don't have it all figured out.

Hi! And welcome to AVEN!

 

I read your whole post, but because I do not have answers to absolutely anything, I hope you will forgive if I only comment on a couple of things. Oh, beyond saying in general ... that whole nature vs. nurture question, about whether we are who we are (or are how we are) due to innate, biological nature or environment and experiences ... it's a question you have to let go in the end, because you are both. There is a degree to which we can't disentangle what is biological versus just very early formative influence.

 

I mean, a real-world example to illustrate what I mean (if you will forgive the tangent) is Reactive Attachment Disorder. This is technically something resulting from infancy/early childhood, so it's "learned", it's environmental or whatever -- but, if you are dealing with a kid with RAD, it absolutely does not matter that they were not "born with it". As far as their experience of the world, they effectively were -- and it certainly isn't something someone can choose to not have. IOW, it does not matter that it's something social/psychological vs. biological, because ... well, honestly, it ends up being biological, brain formation is affected by the early childhood trauma, but again, that just gets into how interrelated the nurture vs. nature thing is, and how you really can't untangle it. Apologies if this tangent came out as gibberish! I promise it makes sense in my head!

 

Anyway, on that thing with sexuality not being a choice ... honestly, something I have tried to work out how to articulate in my head for some time now, is that we absolutely need to make room for acknowledging some aspect of choice to orientation. And I mean, the reason I say I have been trying to articulate this idea is that I'm aware that it is essentially LGBTQIA+ heresy to suggest any aspect of sexuality or identity might be "only" choice, because then people will say it's not real or is changeable ... but, I don't mean "only" choice. I mean, why is our free will in our lives, our ability to choose, somehow less than what is beyond our control?

 

I mean, that idea is troublesome in other arenas, as you note about how biological determinism is a whole can of worms. Because yeah, we want to acknowledge physical, biological reality, but we also don't want to suggest that biology must determine -- well, what it determines is up to debate? Anyway, I guess I'm saying, just to complicate matters further, to that traditional unanswerable question about what is nature vs what is nurture, I think a more realistic consideration would have to question what is nature versus what is nature versus -- what is just our own choice? It's funny, because I guess that part is left out because we assume it should be obvious to individuals what they want. It isn't always, though. So yeah, nature vs nurture vs free will. I mean, why shouldn't our free will, our choice, be as defining an influence on our identity as biology and environment, those influences we had no ability to decide whatsoever?

 

Anyway, on the difference between treating self-destructive behavior and conversion therapy ... I mean, I'd think the question there would come down to whether the "self-destructive behavior" is actually harmful. That is, if it realistically and significantly affects your life -- like, if you really feel like it's behavior or whatever that interferes with your ability to be happy, then getting help for that is not conversion therapy. I'd say, an important difference would be that treating problem behaviors would not start with a predetermined goal to make you somehow "not asexual". The goal wouldn't be to "fix" you, but ... well, to clarify what things you would like to experience in life that you have not or are not currently, and to work on whatever barriers seem to be in the way of those experiences.

 

But, importantly, any good therapist or therapeutic treatment would not start with some assumption that you will be sexual and romantic with people at the end ... I mean, even if you felt like you wanted that to be your goal ... well, that would be straying towards conversion therapy, and again importantly, a good therapist would clarify at the start that while those might be fine goals and even possible ones ... essentially that it would be putting the metaphorical cart before the horse, because that may be where you end up, but it might not. So, if it helps, I think it would be more like ... you don't set a goal to be sexual, but if you feel like you would like to possibly be capable of physical intimacy with a partner at some point then a goal could be just to gradually work on your comfort level with intimacy -- but not assuming that will ever get to a sexual or romantic place, because who know? Thing is, it may not need to be that kind of intimacy, for you to be happy?

 

Hm. Well, that's all I got, so hope some of this made sense! Again, welcome! And you know, if nothing else ... it's okay to question, right? :)

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SilenceRadio
5 hours ago, rebis said:

I'd say, an important difference would be that treating problem behaviors would not start with a predetermined goal to make you somehow "not asexual".

Yeah, exactly.

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Geekykitty
On 5/23/2022 at 11:16 AM, _vika said:

But to me, my lack of sexual desire is a nebulous thing influenced by the particular cocktail of my life experiences.


First and probably the easiest ingredient in the mix: just feeling like an undesirable person. Having a facial deformation, a skin condition and basically no charisma. I'm the type of person that shows up as the side kick. The best friend. The sub plot. I could honestly never imagine letting someone touch me intimately or deriving pleasure from it, much less mustering up the courage to be vulnerable in

I understand what you're feeling here because I also suffer with a skin condition on my face and I wonder how much it has affected me psychologically. No one understands the mental anguish it causes me and I feel to a great extent it has increased my social anxiety, depression and self esteem issues. I also have avoided relationships because I feel too ugly to bother trying and prefer being alone away from people. Also as you say, I don't like the idea of someone touching me in an intimate way. So yes I wonder how much my disinterest in sex has been "caused" by the trauma I have suffered over the years from being inflicted with this skin condition. I still don't think its invalid somehow to say you're asexual even if its caused by some trauma or life experiences. Because in many cases these things are not easily fixed or gotten over, even with psychological help. They are a part of us now just as everyone's experiences are a part of them. Its really quite difficult to seperate out every experience we ever had and identify how exactly in influenced or shaped us. Our lives are a complicated mess! So if you feel the label asexual is right for you then you are perfectly justified to use it. Or you can not have any label at all if that feels better. You can still choose not to have sex either way. 

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