The five stages of grief. I'm still working on full acceptance but I could use some support from others like me. My husband is Asexual and i'm not.

[LuckyBrownEyes]

So my husband and I have been together for 11 years (only married for 2 and a 1/2). He has been my first and only sexual partner. For the first few years we had sex all the time and were just in general very physical with each other. About six years in things slowed down some I figured this was just normal for couples. Then we had an incident that almost broke our relationship because he was going to leave me to sleep with someone else. He got close but never followed through with it and I found out about the whole situation when I asked him for his phone one day to do something and he freaked out an broke down telling me everything (I promise this is back story that adds to my situation). He was battling heavy depression at this stage of his life and he realized years later it was self sabotage at the time. Anyway this incident caused me to have very bad self esteem issues. I figured it must have been because I wasn't pretty enough because he couldn't give me any explanation for why he wanted to do it so the only conclusion I could come up with was it was me. After I had recovered a little from this and we were building up our relationship again he told me one night that he didn't think it was a good idea that we had sex anymore. I felt blindsided, like I did something wrong again. I don't remember how but after about a year we eventually started to have sex again but it would be once and with months in between. Fast forward to 2019 we get married and less than a year later he comes out to me as asexual. I broke down. I tried my best not to make him feel bad but I didn't know how to handle this. I told him that I was glad that he had finally figured out who he was and that I am genuinely happy that he is being himself and I 100% mean that but I also feel like I lost a part of us. I also knew in my head that it wasn't anything to do with me but part of my heart took me back to that place where I thought it was because I wasn't good enough. I felt like I was grieving a part of us that had died and I know isn't coming back. I went through the five stages in my head denial, anger,bargaining, depression acceptance (still working on this one fully). I never said anything to him so he could come into who he now knew who he was but in my head I went through the stages. Denial: I hoped is wasn't true, Anger: Why now? why couldn't this have been established earlier, Barganning: maybe things will change, Depression: I'm just gonna suffer alone in this forever, Acceptance: I believe things can work but I need to work on who I am and my self esteem issues. I felt so many more various emotions in the few years after that. There have been times where I felt dirty for just daydreaming about being physical with him. There were times where I tried to train myself to not find him attractive. I read cheesy romance novels and take long showers at this point I feel like the neglected housewife trope. He has told me he has no problem with me sleeping with someone else but I don't know right now how I feel about that and I sure as hell don't know how to go about it. I love my husband so much and have no plans for divorce. My relationship is great in every other aspect. He's so sweet to me and there for me when I need him. We spend lots of time together and I'm very lucky that we still cuddle and hug and kiss but I've also learned that I'm a very sexual person and I feel like I never really got to experience that side of myself. I'm working on my own self worth and trying not to tie myself with my appearance now but there are moments where I just don;t know what to do. I currently have no one to talk to about this and just want to know I'm not alone out there. 

[uhtred]

This is a very difficult situation and you will find many comments from people her.

 

I've been married for  >30 years to a nearly asexual woman.  We love each other - but the cloud that our sexual mismatch puts over the relationship NEVER goes away.  To me it always feels like we are living a sham marriage. None of our friends can imagine that we sleep in separate beds.  For me, sex, love and romance are all inseparable.    I'm sure she OTOH feels constantly pressured for sex - not that I ask, but she knows how important this is to me.    What she can't know is how this has made me feel inadequate for most of my life.

 

We are otherwise absolutely perfect together. Even so, I think it was a mistake to stay together - but she was my first romantic partner and it took me >20 years to realize what was going on.  For most of it I thought there was something "wrong" with me.

 

You and your husband are not perfect together.  Your post does not paint a picture of a perfect marriage that "only" has a sexual incompatibility problem - though that would be bad enough if that was the only issue.

 

I will come out and say it directly:  Get divorced.  Find someone who loves you the way you need to be loved.  Your unhappiness is telling you something.  You don't want to, and don't need to live the rest of your life like this.  

 

Feel free to PM, or to discuss further here.

 

 

[gndrqrd]

I don't have any good advice but I just wanted to give you support. This is a really terrible situation to be in and I hope that, whatever happens, you can heal and grow from it.

[intheshadowoferos]

Good morning, and welcome, I hope you find AVEN to be a good place for resources, support, and in general a good place where we sometimes vent. 

I am in a 31 yr marriage. Completely hands off, My husband is asexual, I am not. I am not going anywhere. I love him, he loves me. We have a wonderful home, countless things in common, and we are kind to each other all the time. I discovered asexuality last summer, and I have read everything on the subject. There is a wealth of good information out there, I suggest you hop on some podcasts, pick up some books  ( share them with your husband if he is open to it...mine was to a point) and sit back with a cup of coffee, tea, wine.... I learned a lot. I also solidified my desire to stay in the relationship along the way. 

My husband also has ADHD, and is Aspergers, and may be exhibiting some early memory issues. Right ! ? I know how to pick them. We found a fabulous therapist who works with ADHD, and the LGBTQUIAA+ community. Therapy is not a slow incline, it's a roller coaster... so get some relaxation techniques down to help quiet your mind and be able to sleep, a good pair of walking shoes to walk off your frustration, and a blank journal for your confusion and thoughts. But in all of this, you need to be an advocate for what you know to be true for you.

Good luck, you are not alone, and what you plan to do, how you go about it, and how you feel... all of those things will be the right things for you. This journey is unique to every situation. I wish there was a road map, but really, the whole landscape of it is a road, with extra wide lanes, and several potholes. 

all the best!

[LuckyBrownEyes]

3 hours ago, intheshadowoferos said:

Good luck, you are not alone, and what you plan to do, how you go about it, and how you feel... all of those things will be the right things for you. This journey is unique to every situation. I wish there was a road map, but really, the whole landscape of it is a road, with extra wide lanes, and several potholes. 

all the best!

Thank you. I really appreciate the response. I would say I have so many more good days then bad days but when I do have the bad days the just feel so lonely and I feel a little lost as to how to help myself in the moment. It's nice to know there are others out there for support. 

[LuckyBrownEyes]

7 hours ago, gndrqrd said:

I don't have any good advice but I just wanted to give you support. This is a really terrible situation to be in and I hope that, whatever happens, you can heal and grow from it.

I really appreciate the response, thank you. It's just nice to know i'm not alone sometimes

[LuckyBrownEyes]

13 hours ago, uhtred said:

This is a very difficult situation and you will find many comments from people her.

 

Thank you for the response. I'm sorry that you've had to go through such a negative experience in your life. I appreciate hearing from different perspectives. I'm working on what is best for me. I'm not quite at this point in time mentally ready to make any decisions about anything but i'm getting there. Thank you for your viewpoint.  

[R66forM]

On 5/21/2022 at 3:07 PM, LuckyBrownEyes said:

when I do have the bad days the just feel so lonely and I feel a little lost as to how to help myself in the moment. It's nice to know there are others out there for support

Hi.  I am sorry you experience this issue and the rest of what goes with being married and still in love with an ace.   I have read through stuff here to combat the loneliness.  I have elected to stay for a lot of good reasons, but when the loneliness wave comes, I still really struggle.   Lots of good people here too.   Hang in there as you work thru this.

[LuckyBrownEyes]

On 5/25/2022 at 3:52 PM, R66forM said:

Hi.  I am sorry you experience this issue and the rest of what goes with being married and still in love with an ace.   I have read through stuff here to combat the loneliness.  I have elected to stay for a lot of good reasons, but when the loneliness wave comes, I still really struggle.   Lots of good people here too.   Hang in there as you work thru this.

Thank you so much. There are so many more good days than bad but the bad days just feel so lonely. It's nice to be able to talk to others that understand how I feel. 

[recycled]

My husband of 9 years, and partner of 19, finally told me he thinks he is asexual after years of fighting about sex.  As a bisexual woman, I understand that sexual orientation can’t be changed.  The reason I’m leaving him is he that didn’t tell me all this time and it’s destroyed my self esteem to be refused so many times.  
 

please, both asexual and sexual, be honest.  Early on.  

 

 

[Squawk2000]

Spoiler

 

I was married to an asexual (I now realize) for more than 20 years. At first we had sex sporadically in our 20s. Then it slowed down to very rare. Once we had kids, it just stopped—and I’m talking about 10 years of celibacy. The problem for me is that my husband had zero self awareness, wouldn’t admit anything was wrong, consistently put the blame on me (you’ve gained weight, you’re not warm enough…), and is a god-awful communicator. It’s no wonder our marriage was doomed but it makes me very sad, because like the other people on this site, our relationship had so much going for it. His complete lack of sexual or romantic interest in me just drove me crazy. It was a mystery I couldn’t untangle and it shattered my self esteem and self worth. I wish I had known more about asexuality but in the end I think I suffered enough.

[LuckyBrownEyes]

On 5/27/2022 at 3:49 PM, recycled said:

My husband of 9 years, and partner of 19, finally told me he thinks he is asexual after years of fighting about sex.  As a bisexual woman, I understand that sexual orientation can’t be changed.  The reason I’m leaving him is he that didn’t tell me all this time and it’s destroyed my self esteem to be refused so many times.  
 

please, both asexual and sexual, be honest.  Early on.  

 

 

I'm sorry that you had such a negative experience. It's a really difficult situation. You have to do what you feel is best for you. I know its hard to see it from the other perspective but sometimes its just really hard for someone to admit that there is something about them that they don't fully understand or want to understand. In the beginning I wished my husband had figured things out sooner but the more I thought about it the more I realized how hard it must have been for him too. I'm not saying that all the things he did were right but i'm saying from some point of view I understand it's hard figuring out who you are.

As far as the low self esteem created by the whole situation I completely get where you are coming from. I'm still struggling with that myself.  I'm trying to personally work on my own self worth and trying not to tie it to anyone (I know easier said than done.). Its a long slow process but whether your in a relationship or not trying to figure out what you mean to yourself is important. One of the things that has really helped me is looking in the mirror and telling myself I look beautiful. I know it sounds silly and it feels weird to do at first but over time it has help to build up my self confidence. I also try and wear clothes that I like but don't think look good on me and just walking out the door saying F*** it. It's little thing that over time I hope will change my mindset. I hope you find your confidence and find a new relationship that's right for you. 

[LuckyBrownEyes]

On 5/28/2022 at 2:58 PM, Squawk2000 said:

  Reveal hidden contents

 

I was married to an asexual (I now realize) for more than 20 years. At first we had sex sporadically in our 20s. Then it slowed down to very rare. Once we had kids, it just stopped—and I’m talking about 10 years of celibacy. The problem for me is that my husband had zero self awareness, wouldn’t admit anything was wrong, consistently put the blame on me (you’ve gained weight, you’re not warm enough…), and is a god-awful communicator. It’s no wonder our marriage was doomed but it makes me very sad, because like the other people on this site, our relationship had so much going for it. His complete lack of sexual or romantic interest in me just drove me crazy. It was a mystery I couldn’t untangle and it shattered my self esteem and self worth. I wish I had known more about asexuality but in the end I think I suffered enough.

There is still a lot I have to learn about asexuality but just from reading others experiences I've seen a lot of the same pattern of heavy sexual activity and then a gradual cool down to a halt. I think part of it may be they are trying to figure out who they are and just following the societal norms till they can't handle it anymore or it could be some people want to establish a connection with the other person in the way they feel that, that person can understand. I can't speak for them because I do not know on a personal level but I know whatever the case is it must be extremely difficult for them as well. That being said it isn't right to put the "blame" on you making you feel like you are doing something wrong. It's supposed to be a partnership. You didn't deserve that. I'm sorry that you went through that experience. I hope that through time you can build up your self confidence again. 

[intheshadowoferos]

Hi, I am 30+ years into a relationship with my husband. He is Ace, I am not. Some weeks are okay, this one is shit, and many of them are. I am not going anywhere for countless reasons.

I am totally accepting of what life is, as long as I have reason on my side.

My husband has ADHD.

My husband is Aspergers

My husband is having memory issues that we are in the course of exploring

We have not been intimate in 14+yrs

I have in him a friend with common interests, a peaceful home. 

I also have frustrations, and hurts that I am personally working though.

You are not alone, 

ask for what you need help with.

and good luck

 

[Crimsonbird]

Hello,

I’m in a very similar situation. I’ve been with my wife 13 years. Been through all the stages you’re describing and I’ll admit working through that I wasn’t the best partner to my wife. I was under educated about what being asexual meant and how it changed her perspective of connection and intimacy. I’ve felt lonely and unworthy for a while now. My self esteem got a beating and like you, I’ve been trying to build myself back up for me, rather than anyone else.

I wish you all the luck in your journey.

[ThannaA]

On 5/21/2022 at 6:17 AM, LuckyBrownEyes said:

but I've also learned that I'm a very sexual person and I feel like I never really got to experience that side of myself. I'm working on my own self worth and trying not to tie myself with my appearance now but there are moments where I just don;t know what t

i really have no clue how to say this but you need to have sexually active relationships as a sexual 

id die if i was in this situation in my 20’s and 30’s

i AM in the same situation as you but later in life, and i can’t say how stressful it might be not to find somebody that special again for you or for me, should i choose not to devote myself forever And sacrifice myself but your post is heartbreaking because you haven’t had the past that i have and you don’t know how to have it in your life in the future 

don’t feel guilty for how you feel is all i can really say to you

get as much advice as you can here.