Anyone else not realize they were asexual because they never heard of it (and it was super convienient in regards to religious beliefs)

[LissaKristine]

I'm 30 years old and grew up in a conservative Christian home. Until a few months ago, I never even heard about asexuality.
 

Growing up, I was bullied a LOT, especially by the boys in my class, so I was never really interested in any of them. It seemed silly that I would pursue a relationship with the guys who made fun of me. Besides, I had somewhat old-fashioned views on dating and I wasn't going to ask anyone out. The only guy who ever asked me out was a creep in my 10th-grade biology class who I knew just wanted to have sex with me.
 

I've found a few guys attractive here and there, but I've never had any major crushes on anyone. Occasionally, if I became friends with a guy, I'd ask myself if I thought the relationship could potentially go somewhere. If the answer wasn't a resounding "yes," or even a straight out "no," I'd move on. They were more like regular check-ins than anything else.
 

In 30 years, I've had one solid crush on a guy. Nothing ever came of it and It's been about 5 years since I've seen the guy. (I've also NEVER been attracted to any women).
 

And I felt a little weird about it, but I also assumed that I had a clear head about relationships. I wasn't going to waste my time or energy on a relationship that wasn't going to last. I never wanted to date around. In fact, I always figured I'd become friends with a guy first, and then it would develop into a romantic relationship.
 

I didn't even realize, until recently, that someone will look at an attractive person and want to have sex with them. Like what? That makes no sense to me, but I figured I was just a conservative, Christian "prude."

 

I've never been on a date. I'm still a virgin... and honestly, at this point, I'm ok with that. I always thought I wanted to get married and have kids, but I've been reconsidering that dream of kids. And with that, I've been wondering if the marriage part was more because I saw marriage as a step towards having kids (though I know there are other ways to go about it, again, I grew up with Conservative Christian ideals.)
 

It's not that I'm repulsed by the idea of being in a relationship or having sex. I just don't care. And I don't know if it's just that I haven't met the right person or if it's just how I feel in general. Again, I had no idea that what I felt (or didn't feel) was "unusual" or possibly had a name. For now, I'm perfectly happy being single, and I feel confident in my ace identity (though, I'm definitely not out in places my family may see becasue my parents are just horrible people and until I can afford to move out, they don't need to know anything.)

Am I the only one who had this kind of experience... especially thinking that any lack of sexual attraction was just "having a good head on my shoulders" when it comes to relationships and my conservative Christian ideals? I guess I just thought people I went to school with just lacked the self-control I had (which was just incredibly convienient for me).

 

[Janus the Fox]

I'd never knew generally what sexuality ever was a thing, until some decent sex ed made me aware of sexuality in college at a much older age.  Then it was a matter of time I learned about Asexuality.

[Blue eyes white dragon]

I grew up in Christian fundamentalism and stuck in Purity Culture which really harmed me in many ways but I didnt know people actually struggled with not having sex. I thought people were just exaggerating that part and thought they were crazy. When asked if I thought it wasn't V6hard I was like "....oh...yeah. definitely hard struggle. For sure. Darn hormones am I right?.. haha..". Then I got sexually involved with someone cuz I was curious and thought i had too. Something about sex just didn't vibe with and I didn't know what was wrong with me but then I discovered asexuality and was like "YES, EXACTLY!!!" 

[EmeraldIce]

I didn't hear about asexuality until my ex asked me (I was about 28 or 29 at this time) if I was asexual as a joke because sex was always so awkward between us. He said he'd masturbate to the thought of me, and I remember thinking that's crazy because how can thinking of a person turn you on?  He felt guilty whenever he wanted a hand job instead of actual sex, and I thought he was weird because hand jobs were obviously easier! When we did have real sex, he would ask if I wanted to continue or apologize for finishing early. I would always be confused, like why wouldn't I want him to finish as soon as possible?

 

I didn't understand how people can just "decide" their sexualities. All my "crushes" were teacher obsessions that were never sexual or romantic in nature. It was kind of like how toddlers look up to an older sibling and crave their attention and approval. I've never had a crush on anyone my age. I know what kind of physique and apparel I find good-looking and make me gaze at them longer, but actually want to touch them? The thought doesn't cross my mind unless I deliberately put it there.

 

Like you, I didn't realize other people find it hard to not have sex. The idea of sex doesn't cross my mind when interacting with people. I also thought when people (my mom and my best friend) said "I need sex" they're way overexaggerating. The idea still strikes me as weird.

 

I never understood why people base their life decisions (e.g. who to date and marry) on their sexualities. It's irrelevant to me. Whoever better integrates into my vision of my ideal future is who I should marry, not this mystical sexuality thing people keep speaking of! I never understood why sexual compatibility was important.

 

After I got married, I also found out that people were supposed to get turned on when cuddling, kissing, or entwining their bodies with their significant other. My husband would interpret these activities as part of foreplay and was surprised when I'm not turned on at the end. It was a shock to me as well. To me, fully enjoying my partner's presence means I don't have the mental capacity to simultaneously retreat into my own head to create scenarios that would turn me on (and I rarely succeed in doing so anyway). I didn't realize that for most people, enjoying your partner's presence is supposed to be the thing that turns them on in and of itself.

 

I'm not religious and was never raise in a religious household. However, I did grow up a judgmental prude due to the types of T.V. shows I liked to watch (Chinese period dramas). When I didn't date or have sex, I didn't assume I had better self-control. I just assumed others had looser morals. I thought I was normal, and that people either got married because they thought they were supposed to and/or wanted kids, or they slept around because that's the image they like for themselves. Didn't realize people actually had a desire to have sex beyond curiosity and social standards. Until college, I also assumed that most people were virgins until marriage.

[Rhyn Corinn]

I grew up in conservative Christianity too and had some of the same experience, never understood why youth group talked so much about "sexual temptations" and for a while arrogantly thought I was just "more pure" than most people. Purity culture kinda set me up for asexual elitism, which I'm glad I was able to overcome once I started learning more about asexuality and sexuality in general. 

[The French Unicorn]

I can't rely to the Christian part, but I totally didn't know asexual was different than the norm before I knew there were a word for it. I knew sexual attraction existed,  but I thought it was common to not feel it, or I just didn't think about it really. Ô thought people exagerated and all these things...

It is only when I discovered the word that I discovered that I was not in the norm.

[Luftschlosseule]

Not on a religious level, no. But I was told I was a prude for a long time which confused me a lot, just because I don't find sex jokes funny.

[Geekykitty]

Yes I only found out there was such a thing as asexuality a couple of years ago when I was 35. I've never had sex or a serious relationship (only dated a guy in high school, but we were more like friends). Yes when I was younger I was kinda religious and thought I would only have sex if I got married cos I was a good girl. But then I would think, I don't really want to have sex, so I won't get married. Sex just always seemed like it would be kinda icky and something I wasn't interested in. I have had some crushes on guys, I can think they're good looking, but thinking about getting naked with them doesn't sound appealing. I don't even know if I want a relationship, I've never really liked anyone enough. So yeah I was glad when I discovered asexuality existed and that others felt the same as me. 

[J. van Deijck]

19 hours ago, Frenchace said:

I can't rely to the Christian part, but I totally didn't know asexual was different than the norm before I knew there were a word for it.

Same here. I thought I was just a "late bloomer" or whatever.

[NHD]

On 5/19/2022 at 7:49 PM, LissaKristine said:

I'm 30 years old and grew up in a conservative Christian home. Until a few months ago, I never even heard about asexuality.
 

Growing up, I was bullied a LOT, especially by the boys in my class, so I was never really interested in any of them. It seemed silly that I would pursue a relationship with the guys who made fun of me. Besides, I had somewhat old-fashioned views on dating and I wasn't going to ask anyone out. The only guy who ever asked me out was a creep in my 10th-grade biology class who I knew just wanted to have sex with me.
 

I've found a few guys attractive here and there, but I've never had any major crushes on anyone. Occasionally, if I became friends with a guy, I'd ask myself if I thought the relationship could potentially go somewhere. If the answer wasn't a resounding "yes," or even a straight out "no," I'd move on. They were more like regular check-ins than anything else.
 

In 30 years, I've had one solid crush on a guy. Nothing ever came of it and It's been about 5 years since I've seen the guy. (I've also NEVER been attracted to any women).
 

And I felt a little weird about it, but I also assumed that I had a clear head about relationships. I wasn't going to waste my time or energy on a relationship that wasn't going to last. I never wanted to date around. In fact, I always figured I'd become friends with a guy first, and then it would develop into a romantic relationship.
 

I didn't even realize, until recently, that someone will look at an attractive person and want to have sex with them. Like what? That makes no sense to me, but I figured I was just a conservative, Christian "prude."

 

I've never been on a date. I'm still a virgin... and honestly, at this point, I'm ok with that. I always thought I wanted to get married and have kids, but I've been reconsidering that dream of kids. And with that, I've been wondering if the marriage part was more because I saw marriage as a step towards having kids (though I know there are other ways to go about it, again, I grew up with Conservative Christian ideals.)
 

It's not that I'm repulsed by the idea of being in a relationship or having sex. I just don't care. And I don't know if it's just that I haven't met the right person or if it's just how I feel in general. Again, I had no idea that what I felt (or didn't feel) was "unusual" or possibly had a name. For now, I'm perfectly happy being single, and I feel confident in my ace identity (though, I'm definitely not out in places my family may see becasue my parents are just horrible people and until I can afford to move out, they don't need to know anything.)

Am I the only one who had this kind of experience... especially thinking that any lack of sexual attraction was just "having a good head on my shoulders" when it comes to relationships and my conservative Christian ideals? I guess I just thought people I went to school with just lacked the self-control I had (which was just incredibly convienient for me).

 

OMG, there are parts of your post that I So relate to! This is a long response!

I grew up not really having any happy memories of my mother (not getting along with parents connection). She got my father to go along with her lie that I didn't have a sibling (in her mind it was okay to tell lies to make the world look like a wholesome place), but because I was told God was the One and basically The Highest Over All (Christianity connection), I asked Him and obeyed what I felt like His Spirit was telling me to do! (For anyone reading this who does Not agree with or is uncomfortable with Christianity, I do Not mean to offend you, I am only telling my story in truth as it Really Honestly happened.) Shortly after that, both of my parents came to my bedroom door and admitted that they lied and that I have an older sister from my father. My mother grabbed hold to conservative Christianity stronger within the next few years after that. With that type of lifestyle, whatever the most well known conservative Christian's on TV/Radio during the duration of her life were saying and providing the scriptures to back up their message was the only way of any acceptance to her. All of this is mentioned to give you the idea of what I was living under in my childhood home. In her conservative Christian world, there was no such acceptable thing as sexual identities or LGBT+. The only way to live relationship wise was to be a heterosexual Virgin , or stay one until a single 5-Fold Ministry Pastor proposes marriage to you. Sex was Never allowed to be of conversation around her, all that needed to be said was that you don't do it until you're married! (And after I got married she still had a problem with it.) One of the sad parts about this is that after reading and learning about asexuality, I believe she was an asexual as well and just didn't know it, but under a different identity though because she was the type where mentioning sex triggered Great Anger with her. 

 

I also was bullied by boy's since first grade (I feel like it was because I was quiet in class). I had guys ask me out when I was a teenager but when I turned 16, my mother would come up with reasons why I couldn't go. I liked guys and thought a certain few of some boy's were cute, and looked forward to dating but I didn't desire to screw anyone. I too wanted friendship first, then a romantic relationship and still do (that Demisexual bonding and closeness) and also didn't learn until after reading that some people are sexually attracted to others just by looking at them. I could see wanting to be romantic with them after getting to know them if you both hit it off really well, but for a long time I could have done without the heavy stuff. Having Christianity in my life gave the perfect excuse that made sense to non-asexual's for me to not want to have sex like other people my age were back then. They acted like they couldn't understand that I didn't want to for those who I thought I could try to explain it to. But I also saw the unconditional love that babies/children gave when I was a teenager babysitting for my friends, which touched my heart and made me know that I wanted to become a mother some day. 

 

After my first few times I had sex, I still didn't see what the whole hoopla about it was. I was content with just the basics. 

 

To try to answer your question, I think the lack of sexual attraction or the way you feel in general would be considered natural asexual feelings. To me having a good head on your shoulders or meeting someone would be within your self-control. What I would say to ask yourself is, does it feel like what falls under natural or does it feel like with falls under your self-control? I hope my long drawn out response helps you! 

[doggalogga]

One of my silly friends who is obsessed with masturbation and head jobs mentioned asexuality - with no idea about me or my 'circumstances'

 

I went home that night, and looked it up. Fucking bingo. Explained everything about me. Prior to that, I thought I was cursed

A short time later, I joined these forums but didn't really start posting until my relationship came to a close, as I felt shit, and needed to process a few things

 

I have spent plenty of time in church, but it played no role in my sexuality. The Bible has a lot of good lessons, but not on everything.

I have been brought up in a conservative household, but I'm a lot more 'centred" politically than other of my parents, who hold older traditional views

I simply wish to live my life and not be bothered or judged, and consequently I afford the same to everybody else. My parents are actually supportive and understand that I have no interest in sex, though I do like women, but finding the right one is very hard. Covid has also made things quite difficult

 

Nothing wrong with being a virgin. When sex doesn't matter, then why does that matter? I'm approaching 40, and I've never had sex - although an ex really, really tried. She thought I was 'broken' and needed 'help.' From that, I developed a greater sense of self-respect, as I realised I cannot compromise for other people all of the time.

The most important thing is to respect yourself and respect whatever boundaries you have. Yes, relationships can be great, but you can't compromise on everything while others don't

 

[MidnightStar]

I hope in future then asexuality is just as well known as the phrases gay, lesbian, bi… etc. It would save a lot of people a lot of heartache. I didn’t find the word ‘asexual’ until I had been married for 15 years and had 3 kids. I thought no women really liked sex it was just something they did for their partner 🤦‍♀️ In a way I am glad I didn’t find out until now because I wouldn’t  have my kids if I did but my marriage  to a sexual is in a bit of a pickle at the moment 🤔

[JordanT]

Yeah I was raised on the "waiting till marriage" concept and I thought until college that I was just better at waiting than everyone else. Then I learned about asexuality and realized I wasn't "waiting," I just wasn't interested at all. It was a relief.