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How different is romantic attraction from sexual attraction?


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Back to muse about romance again after talking about it in therapy today.

 

How, exactly, would you define romantic attraction? Between the latter half of 2015 and 2021 I just called myself "gay" (like, alloallo gay) but I've always thought romantic attraction was really just when you're infatuated someone. It doesn't always end in sex, but most people who experience "romantic attraction" are just sexually obsessed with someone... or so that's been my view on it for a long time.

 

I've been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years and it seems like he gets something out of romance that I do not understand. I don't know if it's because there's something wrong with the way I relate to people or if I just don't understand romance or what. I've only had two crushes my entire life and both crushes were entirely sexual in nature -- I didn't fantasize about doing traditionally "romantic" things, like being physically close (minus the sex) or going out on dates or getting married, or anything.

 

I don't know if it matters much in the end because I'm still very emotionally close to him and talk about making life-long commitments but I suppose I just want to hear what others view romance as if it isn't related to sexuality, really.

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Sarah-Sylvia

I guess that I'm romantic but not sexual, I'd say it's very different :P. Of course for someone sexual, it might be mixed together more. For me, romance is about intimate love or care, while sex is a way to share in physical pleasure together, which isn't really easy to mix with love I find, since it's more indulgent. But some sexual people are able to put love 'in' the sexuality, and the attraction they feel for their loved one is a mix.

What I want or feel drawn to with the person I love is to be close, to care and feel that care with them, be together and more, share in love and affection. To put it in quick words.
 

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8 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

I guess that I'm romantic but not sexual, I'd say it's very different :P. Of course for someone sexual, it might be mixed together more. For me, romance is about intimate love or care, while sex is a way to share in physical pleasure together, which isn't really easy to mix with love I find, since it's more indulgent. But some sexual people are able to put love 'in' the sexuality, and the attraction they feel for their loved one is a mix.

What I want or feel drawn to with the person I love is to be close, to care and feel that care with them, be together and more, share in love and affection. To put it in quick words.
 

How would you differentiate that from feeling deeply for friends that you hold no romantic feelings for?

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13 minutes ago, gndrqrd said:

I've been in a relationship for 2 1/2 years and it seems like he gets something out of romance that I do not understand. I don't know if it's because there's something wrong with the way I relate to people or if I just don't understand romance or what. I've only had two crushes my entire life and both crushes were entirely sexual in nature -- I didn't fantasize about doing traditionally "romantic" things, like being physically close (minus the sex) or going out on dates or getting married, or anything.

 

And yes for everyone their romantic feelings manifest differently. Some desire to write poetry to each other and give each other gifts etc, some want constant sex, some are content to just relax in the same room together. It's called 'love languages' and can affect everyone differently. Heck one person can experience different types of romantic desire for different partners or at different times. I've known people here on AVEN who have had romantic relationships where they want no sex, then randomly meet 'the right person' and realize they want constant sex :o (I experienced that myself once or twice actually lol).

 

So it sounds to me like you both just have different love languages? :) 

 

 

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i personally cannot relate them in my head at all, they feel polarly different. romantic attraction is hard to pin down and has caused me much confusion, but i can say with certainty that it's entirely emotional. if i had to define it, i would spill a bowl of word soup with things like trust~, care~, bond~, connection~, &c. &c. for me, it can manifest in physical intimacy, and for others in things like dates and marriage, but at its core it's an emotional bond kinda thing.

on the other hand, even before i knew i was ace i never really understood sexual attraction as anything like that. sex always just seemed like something extra that people who were romantically involved did too, cause... why not. and sex without romance just seemed... pointless? it always struck me, and really still does, as just a physical thing, that you have to add emotion to from another bond or attraction. when people talk about experiencing sexual and romantic attraction as one, i can still only really rationalise that as treating sex as another (weird) expression of romantic attraction. for me, thinking of them as the same, or equal, or intertwined, is like thinking of the sun and the moon like that; understandable from our vantage point, but falls apart once you look at them a bit closer.

as for differentiating it from friendship? dunno! for me the distinction isn't particularly useful, since i'm rarely strongly emotionally invested in my friendships; and when i am, it verges on--or definitively is?--romantic, anyways. the line can be blurry in general, i think.

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Sarah-Sylvia
49 minutes ago, gndrqrd said:

How would you differentiate that from feeling deeply for friends that you hold no romantic feelings for?

Right. I'd say that for friends I feel more drawn to the company and comraderie. Liking to spend time together and enjoy doing things together, share on interests and talk on our lives and whatever we find interesting, and can help each other out for things.

While for romance, there's some of that but also being drawn to be much closer and intimate. What I mentioned can take a new tone of partnership together too. Sharing deeply together, offering each other high levels of care, I guess also heightened by the closeness we have. Obviously it still takes time to form a deeper bond, but the romantic draw does bring that along for me.  There's of course also the draw to give each other affection, maybe lots of it, and I guess that does bring gestures of it, which can be lots of things.

One of my main love languages is touch/sensuality, so for me there's a big difference there too. For friends it usually means a few hugs, maybe a bit of physical closeness if we're close, but that's about it, and I wouldn't feel drawn to kiss a friend, maybe besides on the cheek if we're close and I feel affection for them. And if I'd touch or hold their hand, it wouldn't last long, just a bit to show a bit of care. I can picture a scenario where I'd feel close to a friend and I'd cuddle with them, but I haven't felt that with friends I've had up to now :P.

For romance.. I feel drawn to.. just a lot of physical closeness, being close alot, holding hands, soft gestures, lots of caresses, cuddling, snuggling, kisses. 😊. It's quite different, and definitely a much stronger draw to it than I would with a friend. Wanting to share in affection like that together.

I think that covers quite a bit :D. That's how it is for me anyway. :)

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For me, it’s like really wanting to be close friends with someone, but accompanied by more affection and longing, and the desire for an exclusive type of relationship with whoever I’m attracted to. Sex never crosses my mind, but I tend to develop sensual attraction after a while, so I’ll desire affectionate touch. Regardless of the depth of a crush/attraction, those feelings tend to be consistent for me. 

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Romantic attraction, as I've experienced it, comes from caring about someone, and something about the friendship/relationship sparking something in me. There's a lightness in the chest, and fluttery feelings, and it's hard to stop thinking about that person. Whereas platonic friendships don't have the lightness, flutters, or spark. With romantic attraction, I want this person to be my closest friend and confidant.  They'd make me feel comfortable in a way that's hard to explain. And for me, personally, sexual attraction is typically an extension of romantic attraction. It only comes about once I'm romantically interested, but it isn't really the same. It's also less important to me than the romantic aspects of the relationship. I don't really know how to explain it better than that.

 

Of course, this isn't to undermine platonic friendships! I value those a lot and in fact think they're generally more important than romantic relationships! But there's something different and more exciting about romantic attraction. It's kind of overwhelming, at times tbh. It's just a strong desire to be with/around someone, spend my time with them as much as possible. And sexual attraction is a physical extension of that, for me.

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Romantic attraction for me is the desire to be in a relationship with someone, to be close to them emotionally, to share yourself and your hopes and fears and passions with them. This comes with physical desires like wanting to hold hands, to kiss, to cuddle, to show physical affection. But *not* sex. Sexual attraction is literally wanting sexual activity. Romantic attraction makes me feel physical sensations such as a warm fuzzy feeling in the chest and a somersault feeling in the stomach. Friendship does not make me feel those sensations or desires. 

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WhiteCatandcherries
On 5/19/2022 at 4:20 AM, gndrqrd said:

It doesn't always end in sex, but most people who experience "romantic attraction" are just sexually obsessed with someone... or so that's been my view on it for a long time.

As an asexual alloromantic person I would say that is not the case. I don't want to have sex with my crushes, but I want to be emotionally close with them, and be a special person to them in a way no one else is, and do romantic things with them. I get that for allosexual alloromantic people, the romantic attraction is typically tied with sexual attraction, but I clearly feel that I feel one and not the other, and that they are not the same 🙂

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The two are separate, although often being felt at the same time.  Sexual attraction involves wanting to have actual sex with the person, romantic attraction means wanting to be physically close, probably often, with the person, but not sexually.   When you grew up not understanding that there was such a thing as asexuality, it could be quite confusing.  I believed that my romantic attraction to my partner was a sexual attraction, even though I knew very clearly that I did not want to have sex with him. I thought the sexual attraction would come eventually.  It took years for me to read about asexuality and understand that not feeling sexual was not simply a missing part of my romantic feeling -- that the two were actually separate.  

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WhiteCatandcherries
12 hours ago, Sally said:

romantic attraction means wanting to be physically close, probably often, with the person, but not sexually

That does not sound like romantic attraction in my opinion.. maybe more like sensual attraction.

 

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Janus the Fox

I've personally not seen a difference to know, as both romantic and sexual attraction remains absent, despite the definitions, despite anecdotal descriptions and 5 years of a relationship that's otherwise quite close.

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4 hours ago, WhiteCatandcherries said:

That does not sound like romantic attraction in my opinion.. maybe more like sensual attraction.

 

You're right, I should have included some other aspects of romantic attraction, like very often thinking about the person, paying attention to what they like/don't like, wanting to simply be with them as much as possible, considering/wanting them to be your "other", perhaps the most important person in your life, etc.  

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WhiteCatandcherries
58 minutes ago, Sally said:

You're right, I should have included some other aspects of romantic attraction, like very often thinking about the person, paying attention to what they like/don't like, wanting to simply be with them as much as possible, considering/wanting them to be your "other", perhaps the most important person in your life, etc.  

Glad we agree 🙂 I have realized that my original post could come across as a bit cold in tone, sorry for that 🙂

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Terra Branford

Romantic Attraction is rooted in profound attraction and affection for someone. It also involves attachment with a longing for commitment. Wanting that person to be happy and feel good, and wanting to be there to share that with them. A lot of times people may express that affection with kisses, hugs, cuddling, etc, but not necessarily sex but it can overlap (for allos, demis, grays, etc.)

 

Sexual Attraction is purely physical and mainly about sexual pleasure/release. Just thinking about the person can physically arouse you.

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  • 1 month later...

(I’m aro, but experience alterous attraction, so take this as you will). 
 

I think romantic attraction can overlap with platonic attraction a little bit. With a friend, you still want a mutual connection, wanting that person to be happy, wanting to hug them. I can imagine myself “cuddling” with some of my friends, such as on the couch/watching a movie. 
 

The more “romantic” aspects that I’ve experienced are wanting to have a connection with the person, wanting to be “special” to them, and probably wanting to hug them a little more than I would my friends. However, the idea of dating or kissing them is strange. 

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