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How long did it take you to be sure you were asexual?


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So since i've like heard about it only a few days ago, I just feel lost. I know it is okay to be different and that we all are unique which is beautiful, but is it not more easy to not say anything until you actually met someone that meets the criteria you have about what should be a relationship? Or is saying ok you know what i'm asexual makes it easier in everydays life? 

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It took me most of my life to read about "asexuality" and realize that was what I am.  I'd never wanted to have sex, ever, but at that time it was expected, so I had a marriage, two children, and a long relationship.  

 

If you meet someone that you like, and think you might be interested in a relationship with them, and they seem interested, but you KNOW that you don't want to have sex with anyone, it's only fair to tell them.  It doesn't work out well at all if you don't.  

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steel_quill

In response to the question in the thread title: about 9 years. I first suspected when I was 14 and everyone else around me were into kissing and hooking up, but when I just felt plain weird 🥴 imagining myself doing those things. This suspicion continued through college, when my friends were talking about how great sex was supposed to be, and I responded with something like, "I'd rather eat mac & cheese." This whole time, I'd been trying to convince myself that I was straight, but that self-delusion finally fell apart this year. I was doing some fiction writing and caught myself writing in Freudian slips, like the MC running away from the love interest when the romance started getting "steamy" and saying something like, "I wish people could reproduce like bacteria and split themselves in half and maybe get genetic diversity by horizontal gene transfer." 😅

 

1 hour ago, 2000Sandy said:

is it not more easy to not say anything until you actually met someone that meets the criteria you have about what should be a relationship?

There's a recent thread about this here:

 

1 hour ago, 2000Sandy said:

Or is saying ok you know what i'm asexual makes it easier in everydays life?

For me, at least, accepting that "this is way I am and it's perfectly okay and normal" has made it easier for myself -- mentally, emotionally. I used to have a sense of dread and anxiety over this vague, disturbing feeling that I'm supposed to be just like all these other (allo-)sexual people, but I'm not, so maybe I'm just a prude and I need to get over myself or maybe I'm not mature enough or maybe I'm overthinking things, etc., etc., etc....... But then finally realizing and going NAH I'm good has given me a sort of peace with myself, and I think that helps me with being more confident out in the real world. I do wear the black ring, but it's not I go around telling everyone that I'm asexual (just like [most] other members of the LGBTQIA+ community don't go around telling everyone that they're LGBTQIA+), but I think that if it ever did come up, I wouldn't mind saying something. 

 

TL;DR -- the answer to your last question would depend on how you feel about things yourself. :) 

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Relationships are investments of time and energy. If you hold back something as crucial as basic sexual compatibility, you risk wasting a lot of that for yourself and your potential partner. Be honest and open. You don't need to give them a definite answer of what you will/won't want or do, but you can tell them you think you might be asexual, and that if they want to explore a potential relationship with you that they should be aware of where you're currently at in understanding your own sexual needs and limitations.

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1 hour ago, Sally said:

It took me most of my life to read about "asexuality" and realize that was what I am.  I'd never wanted to have sex, ever, but at that time it was expected, so I had a marriage, two children, and a long relationship.  

 

If you meet someone that you like, and think you might be interested in a relationship with them, and they seem interested, but you KNOW that you don't want to have sex with anyone, it's only fair to tell them.  It doesn't work out well at all if you don't.  

Yeah I mean .. since its new to be.. ive been like on tinder trying to find a boyfriend you know.. and im telling them about how I have no experience at all and about how stressfull the idea of making it is to me.. like im open to saying what I think. Most of them just go away.. but I dont want to do something if I dont feel ready for it haha

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31 minutes ago, steel_quill said:

In response to the question in the thread title: about 9 years. I first suspected when I was 14 and everyone else around me were into kissing and hooking up, but when I just felt plain weird 🥴 imagining myself doing those things. This suspicion continued through college, when my friends were talking about how great sex was supposed to be, and I responded with something like, "I'd rather eat mac & cheese." This whole time, I'd been trying to convince myself that I was straight, but that self-delusion finally fell apart this year. I was doing some fiction writing and caught myself writing in Freudian slips, like the MC running away from the love interest when the romance started getting "steamy" and saying something like, "I wish people could reproduce like bacteria and split themselves in half and maybe get genetic diversity by horizontal gene transfer." 😅

 

There's a recent thread about this here:

 

For me, at least, accepting that "this is way I am and it's perfectly okay and normal" has made it easier for myself -- mentally, emotionally. I used to have a sense of dread and anxiety over this vague, disturbing feeling that I'm supposed to be just like all these other (allo-)sexual people, but I'm not, so maybe I'm just a prude and I need to get over myself or maybe I'm not mature enough or maybe I'm overthinking things, etc., etc., etc....... But then finally realizing and going NAH I'm good has given me a sort of peace with myself, and I think that helps me with being more confident out in the real world. I do wear the black ring, but it's not I go around telling everyone that I'm asexual (just like [most] other members of the LGBTQIA+ community don't go around telling everyone that they're LGBTQIA+), but I think that if it ever did come up, I wouldn't mind saying something. 

 

TL;DR -- the answer to your last question would depend on how you feel about things yourself. :) 

Wow thank you for the time you took to share all of that, I really do appreciate it!

 

What is the black ring, is it a symbol to say you are asexual? Without having to say it.. like if someone who is also asexual would see it, we would just know what it means? Which could avoid weird conversations?

 

But honestly the more I read about it.. the more I think it could be my case. Like wether Id be asexual or maybe someday demisexual if I have the right partner for it.. I dont think I would want to do it often. It seems gross to me, to do the sex things.

 

I guess im kinda scared since no one around me as identified themselve as something other than heterosexual.. I've always been the girl who follow the rules.. who is great a school, do the right thing.. so like if I'd be coming out as someone who is asexual.. I guess it would be weird. And like just thinking about my dad.. he thinks anxiety issues are not true, that it is not a big deal, that it is a weakness.. like I'm not even talking about my anxiety to him because he is just always saying it's alright, it will pass blabla.. so if I tell him I'd be asexual I'd actually be scared of his reaction. Like I think it would be just fine with others.. but him.. oh god

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34 minutes ago, Snao Cone said:

Relationships are investments of time and energy. If you hold back something as crucial as basic sexual compatibility, you risk wasting a lot of that for yourself and your potential partner. Be honest and open. You don't need to give them a definite answer of what you will/won't want or do, but you can tell them you think you might be asexual, and that if they want to explore a potential relationship with you that they should be aware of where you're currently at in understanding your own sexual needs and limitations.

I love what you are saying there. That's true, I wouldn't know yet what I'd be willing to do or when I'd be ready to just try anything. But I'm very open by saying I have no experience and that I'm super stressed thinking about it, and that I have no idea how long it could take me to actually want to try something.

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steel_quill
24 minutes ago, 2000Sandy said:

What is the black ring, is it a symbol to say you are asexual?

Yep, black ring on your right middle finger. Other aces (and some non-aces) will know. 😉

 

25 minutes ago, 2000Sandy said:

I've always been the girl who follow the rules.. who is great a school, do the right thing..

Relatable. I grew up in a very conservative part of the country. It does certainly color your worldview.

 

I hope that your father will be supportive, or that someone else you trust will be supportive, no matter what you decide. It's okay, too, to take your time to figure these things out. 😊 

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I feel like if I'd ever come out as one, I'd first have to be in a relationship that works for me.. like I really think I want to be in a romantic relationship now, my body tells me I want this affection you know. But I always feel rejected cause the guy I've talked too  all say that sex is super important to them.. like I got the feeling that there is no one just like me haha

 

And wow that is a nice thing the ring.. I've never wore jewelry though.. so people around me would start questioning me if I'd be doing that suddenly haha

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Janus the Fox

About 5 years.  I’d long found myself as Aro Ace, but a relationship then meant I knew I don’t experience any attractions.  I went into the relationship knowing it was a mixed one, until the BF identified as Aro Ace as well, and share all the same things and kinks.  I’d wondered how it was lacking any sexual desires or attractions for years after getting together since 2017.  I’d identified since 2011-12

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It took about 5 years from the first time I heard the word demisexual to me actually finally realising and accepting that I'm demi/grey. So many doubts and confusions because I *do* feel sexual attraction that comes and goes in waves (I can want it alot for a few weeks or maybe even months but then it can disappear for months and months). I accepted that this wasn't strictly how most sexual people feel and then came to the conclusion that I am demi/grey. It is usually not a quick process for many people, so no need to rush it. Explore your feelings in your own time :)

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Purple Red Panda

It's been about two years since I first seriously considered that I'm asexual and came out as such. I honestly don't think I'm ever going to be 100% sure and I'm comfortable with that, it's the label I feel fits my sexuality best and is the best shorthand to explain my sexuality to other people. I've always been open about it because I feel it's part of who I am and I'm perfectly ok with people knowing about my aceness.

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On 5/18/2022 at 8:02 PM, 2000Sandy said:

 But I'm very open by saying I have no experience and that I'm super stressed thinking about it, and that I have no idea how long it could take me to actually want to try something.

If that is what you definitely mean, that's fine to say.  But many possible relationship partners interpret that to mean "Hey, it sounds like in a couple of weeks they might relax about it, so I'm going to proceed as though they'll be interested in sex then.  I can wait two weeks."  That can become a BIG problem.  

 

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53 minutes ago, Sally said:

If that is what you definitely mean, that's fine to say.  But many possible relationship partners interpret that to mean "Hey, it sounds like in a couple of weeks they might relax about it, so I'm going to proceed as though they'll be interested in sex then.  I can wait two weeks."  That can become a BIG problem.  

 

Well I mean, I'm questionning myself. It's still isn't clear for wether or not Id want that eventually. I don't like closing doors.. like maybe today I feel like Ill never be interested in it, but what if one thing, one person shows me the world in a new lense. Maybe the  it would be different!

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15 hours ago, Black-purple-grey said:

It took about 5 years from the first time I heard the word demisexual to me actually finally realising and accepting that I'm demi/grey. So many doubts and confusions because I *do* feel sexual attraction that comes and goes in waves (I can want it alot for a few weeks or maybe even months but then it can disappear for months and months). I accepted that this wasn't strictly how most sexual people feel and then came to the conclusion that I am demi/grey. It is usually not a quick process for many people, so no need to rush it. Explore your feelings in your own time :)

This is exactly how I feel. My sex drive comes and goes in waves. Honestly sometimes I wish I would want sex more regularly, but my partner is very supportive. It’s comforting to know someone else out there feels like I do and identifies as demi!

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