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Trying to Categorize Asexuality Traits vs Sexual Trauma Symptoms


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The Wreyck

I THINK this is the right category for my thread. I have been comfortable with an asexual or grey-ace identity for several years now, and I haven't really thought much of it. Some other background info: I have dissociative amnesia due to childhood abuse. The extent of the abuse is currently unkown due to being no contact with 99% of my family and having no memories of the abuse, but I learned this year that it was extremely physical rather than simply emotional/verbal as I previously thought.

 

I am married to a heterosexual (possible sex addict) and have had plenty of sex throughout my marriage. During researching sexual addiction, I realized that I, too, related to a lot of what was being said and that I may be a sex addict myself. This occured the same couple weeks I had the revelation of having been severely physically abused as a child. I ended up down a rabbit hole analyzing what led me to this point in my relationship with my spouse. The physical abuse affects a LOT of things as I am triggered by so many little actions; I become just absolutely panicked and experience a very strong and real fear. Well, there seem to be 2 key ingredients to sex addiction. 1) trauma/feeling alone/essentially unaddressed negative emotions. 2) being sexualized at a young age (before puberty). Some pretty small things can sexualize someone before puberty, even just seeing a somewhat explicit scene in a PG-13 movie. Thing is, I am pretty sure I was never exposed to any kind of sexual media. My mom kept a lock on that even in highschool. My parents were also inactive for almost my entire life and never would have done anything in my vicinity anyhow.

 

Now onto my real confusion. I have a lotta experiences that may or may not be associated with asexuality. I have been really listening to my body because of trying to identify when my spouse has does something wrong vs me being triggered by past abuse as well as identifying why I have sex when we do. What I discovered is that my libido is only active a few days in the month. 2-3 days max when I ovulate and 1-3 days right before my menstrual cycle starts. The rest of the month activities will either be because my spouse initiated or unhealthy reasons like avoiding negative emotions and insomnia on my part. I also discovered that outside of those times, I am fairly uncomfortable with my spouse's genitals. I can tolerate intercourse, but looking at or touching them is intolerable. I used to touch them a lot and even did a lotta oral and stuff. I was hypersexual in the early days of our relationship despite also being grossed out and having a bit of a phobia of penises and all things related to penises. But I was fascinated by that which disturbed me, figuring that I could conquer it by familiarity.

 

So, anyway, I can't say whether I have been sexually assaulted due to my disassociative amnesia, but some traits that seem to point towards it are:

1) Inability to say no when spouse initiates sex, even if I am so against it currently that I will have a mental breakdown

2) Unhealthy relationship with sex that may be sexual addiction (started as a masturbation addiction as a teen)

3) Never had a normal crush on a kid my age when I was little. Had many obsessions with teenage and young adult men.

4) Obsession with being sexually attractive to men, getting bad enough that in nearly 7 years of marriage I have never picked an outfit for myself. I have only worn what I thought my spouse would find sexy/pretty.

5) A deep and triggering fear of penises, including my spouse's. It triggers a deep and strong panic and fear in me similar to what I feel over triggers I can connect to my childhood abuse. This fear has existed since early childhood.

 

Possible explanations for these things unrelated to sexual abuse:

1) Physical abuse has made me very submissive in non sexual areas of life also, though not to this extent.

2) Lack of sex-ed from a conservative Christian family combined with asexuality and trying to figure out tampons led to a fairly powerful coping mechanism in an abusive household.

3) I was socially awkward with a sever speech impediment until 7-8 and couldn't relate to my peers? Is that enough?

4) Society as a whole sexualizes women, Christian upbringing emphasized submitting to and pleasing husband, and my primary abuser was my dad.

5) I don't know. The only plausible one I can come up with is asexual gentalia aversion.

 

So primarily I am wondering about your asexual experience in regards to genitalia. For me personally female genitalia is just gross. I hate looking at it cuz it's gross looking. I am not afraid of touching my own but would not go near another's cuz of the gross factor. But male genitalia trigger a different reaction, one of absolute fear and panic, even a brief, accidental touch in passing.

 

Do any of you other asexuals out there that have not been sexually abused experience a similar reaction to genitalia of fear? Do you guys think that asexuality alone could elicit such a response?

 

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Fraggle Underdark

I have some experience in spaces of dissociative identity disorders and trauma, and a lot of what you said sounds exactly like some of the things I hear there. In particular a triggering fear of that intensity, but also in combination with other symptoms and behaviors you mention, such as inability to say no and obsession with being sexually attractive. (I'm not saying all abuse survivors have those but the entire constellation you describe is the sort of thing that seems common.)

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Geekykitty
2 hours ago, The Wreyck said:

So primarily I am wondering about your asexual experience in regards to genitalia. For me personally female genitalia is just gross. I hate looking at it cuz it's gross looking. I am not afraid of touching my own but would not go near another's cuz of the gross factor. But male genitalia trigger a different reaction, one of absolute fear and panic, even a brief, accidental touch in passing.

 

Do any of you other asexuals out there that have not been sexually abused experience a similar reaction to genitalia of fear? Do you guys think that asexuality alone could elicit such a response?

 

So to answer your question I also find the idea of male genitals gross, and yeah maybe even to the point of a kind of fear. I have never had sex or seen any in real life (only have really seen them on tv/pictures).

I have never been sexually abused or anything like that. I do feel attracted to men sometimes - mainly celebrities, not really guys in real life. But its really their face I'm attracted to. I don't like to think of them naked or their genitals. 🤮 The thought of having sex freaks me out and I think if a guy was naked in front of me I'd have a panic attack! I'm not into women either though. Female genitals are gross too, but they don't scare me.

Anyway, I don't know how you were able to do sex stuff with your partner with such a phobia of penises! If sex causes you distress then you shouldn't force yourself to do it 😫 If you have suffered with any abuse then it might be useful to seek counselling to help deal with the trauma? I don't think fear or sex and genitals always stems from abuse - it hasn't in my case. But still trying counselling might be helpful ??

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The Wreyck
2 hours ago, - 𝕱𝖗𝖆𝖌𝖌𝖑𝖊𝕽𝖔𝖈𝕶 - said:

I have some experience in spaces of dissociative identity disorders and trauma, and a lot of what you said sounds exactly like some of the things I hear there. In particular a triggering fear of that intensity, but also in combination with other symptoms and behaviors you mention, such as inability to say no and obsession with being sexually attractive. (I'm not saying all abuse survivors have those but the entire constellation you describe is the sort of thing that seems common.)

My spouse's ex experienced grooming type sexual abuse as a young pre-teen and teen, and he says that everything I have been talking about lately sounds exactly like her experience. So he believes that it is very likely. I guess that I am experiencing a bit of imposter syndrome maybe? Like I feel dirty/bad if I try to claim that survivor title when I can't prove it happened due to lack of memory? 

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The Wreyck
1 hour ago, Geekykitty said:

So to answer your question I also find the idea of male genitals gross, and yeah maybe even to the point of a kind of fear. I have never had sex or seen any in real life (only have really seen them on tv/pictures).

I have never been sexually abused or anything like that. I do feel attracted to men sometimes - mainly celebrities, not really guys in real life. But its really their face I'm attracted to. I don't like to think of them naked or their genitals. 🤮 The thought of having sex freaks me out and I think if a guy was naked in front of me I'd have a panic attack! I'm not into women either though. Female genitals are gross too, but they don't scare me.

Anyway, I don't know how you were able to do sex stuff with your partner with such a phobia of penises! If sex causes you distress then you shouldn't force yourself to do it 😫 If you have suffered with any abuse then it might be useful to seek counselling to help deal with the trauma? I don't think fear or sex and genitals always stems from abuse - it hasn't in my case. But still trying counselling might be helpful ??

I am considering therapy. It honestly is all sorta new for me just the last couple months. I am autistic and struggle with self awareness also, and tend to go numb/stop consciously feeling distress in bad situations as well as having amnesia for the really bad stuff. So lately I have been focusing really hard on being self aware. I genuinely thought that it was just nervousness over lack of experience when I was first married. But now I realize that I am sex averse a good part of the time and was just sorta blocking those emotions. :ph34r:

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Fraggle Underdark
4 hours ago, The Wreyck said:

I am considering therapy. It honestly is all sorta new for me just the last couple months. I am autistic and struggle with self awareness also, and tend to go numb/stop consciously feeling distress in bad situations as well as having amnesia for the really bad stuff. So lately I have been focusing really hard on being self aware.

For at least most people, if your mind is blocking you from the memories then that's probably for a good reason. Accessing blocked memories when you're not ready for them can just be traumatizing all over again.

 

I'd recommend looking for a therapist who specializes in dissociative disorders, as they work fairly differently from many mental conditions and involve a specialized skill set as a therapist.

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The Wreyck
6 hours ago, - 𝕱𝖗𝖆𝖌𝖌𝖑𝖊𝕽𝖔𝖈𝕶 - said:

For at least most people, if your mind is blocking you from the memories then that's probably for a good reason. Accessing blocked memories when you're not ready for them can just be traumatizing all over again.

 

I'd recommend looking for a therapist who specializes in dissociative disorders, as they work fairly differently from many mental conditions and involve a specialized skill set as a therapist.

I totally get not trying to forcefully unlock blocked memories. I am trying to be more self aware in the moment, though, so that I can recognize bad situations and get out of them as well as try to avoid them in the future better.

 

I will definitely look into specialized therapists. I had already been looking for ones familiar with autism cuz the treatment methods are different for a lotta trauma stuff for autistics also. Thank you.

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