How do I know if I never experienced sex?

[2000Sandy]

So hi, you can call me Sandy.

 

So I'm 21 years old, and I never been in any relationship, mostly because I always felt scare of committing in something, or thought that I didn't deserve to be loved. I've always imagined myself being with someone to share my future with, have common projects and well build a family you know.

 

But the simple idea of even French kiss someone is terrifying me, so I don't see myself having sex either you know. So like I thought well maybe when I'll be like best friend with someone for a time, then I'd be more confortable and those things would come naturally, because well we are human, and it should be in our instincts to want to procreate so maybe then I'd start wanting those things and enjoying it?

 

But then I read about asexuality, and I see that other people don't feel like having sex ever, but can be in a romance like relationship, and maybe even just cuddling or kiss on the front head or things like that. And I'm like that would be, I think more like me.

 

But how can we be sure that we are on this spectrum, if we haven't experienced it or try it at least one time? 

 

Thank you all so much for your answers you'll be giving me!

[Guest]

How can we be sure we're aromantic at 17 when we never felt romantic attraction before? little do we know, that three years later, we will feel romantic attraction for someone. Imagine!

[Anomaly Q3Xr]

We do not need to experience sex in order to know that we do not feel sexually attracted to people. I am 40 this year, I have never had sex, but I know I am asexual because I have no desire to have sex, nor do I feel any sort of sexual attraction. I don't like French kissing (I have done that) or any form of mouth-to-mouth kissing, but I experience romantic attraction and had since I was in primary school, even though I never had a relationship until my mid 20's.

[Morays]

59 minutes ago, 2000Sandy said:

But how can we be sure that we are on this spectrum, if we haven't experienced it or try it at least one time?

I don't subscribe to the idea that someone has to try a given activity to prove that they dislike it.

 

We never ask straight people how much gay sex they had before they became sure they were straight. We trust that they have a solid understanding of their own desire without it needing to be put to the test or "proven" somehow. I don't think it should be any different for asexual people.

 

If you reach a point where you're genuinely interested in experimenting, then by all means do! But you have no obligation to try anything sexual purely to test yourself, especially if you're not fully comfortable with it. You have nothing to prove to anyone.

[2000Sandy]

1 minute ago, Sammie M said:

We do not need to experience sex in order to know that we do not feel sexually attracted to people. I am 40 this year, I have never had sex, but I know I am asexual because I have no desire to have sex, nor do I feel any sort of sexual attraction. I don't like French kissing (I have done that) or any form of mouth-to-mouth kissing, but I experience romantic attraction and had since I was in primary school, even though I never had a relationship until my mid 20's.

But like did you ever question yourself about like.. everybody seems to like it and enjoy it, so maybe if I'd try I'd also love it? Like this is all so new to me.. I really feel like I want to be in a romantic relationship.. like I feel ready for that.. but not the sex part.

[Anomaly Q3Xr]

2 minutes ago, 2000Sandy said:

But like did you ever question yourself about like.. everybody seems to like it and enjoy it, so maybe if I'd try I'd also love it? Like this is all so new to me.. I really feel like I want to be in a romantic relationship.. like I feel ready for that.. but not the sex part.

I have tried to force myself to have sex with people, because I thought it was the only way to maintain a relationship, but I never could go through with it, and now I have an ace partner so there is no pressure to try.

[uhtred]

There are many things you can know you don't like without trying them.   As an example, straight people are in general sure that they don't want sex with a same-sex person, even if they have never tried.  

 

When you know you don't want something, there is no reason to  try it.

 

Some things you think you probably don't want may be OK to try if the effort / cost is low.  Say a new food - maybe you've never tried sushi - its not crazy to try it.

 

Other things the cost and effort is very high - like joining a religion, or deciding to row a boat across the atlantic. You need to be pretty sure before you try those.

 

For sex, I think you need to decide if its something you don't want, or something you want but are nervous about.  One way to get information is to see if you enjoy fantasies of sex.  If you don't enjoy sexual fantasies, I think its very unlikely you will enjoy sex.  Even if you do enjoy the fantasies, its quite possible you won't want sex in real life, but it might be a reason to explore your feelings a bit more.

[2000Sandy]

2 minutes ago, Morays said:

I don't subscribe to the idea that someone has to try a given activity to "prove" that they dislike it.

 

We never ask straight people how much gay sex they had before they became sure they were straight. We trust that they have a solid understanding of their own desire without it needing to be put to the test or "proven" somehow. I don't think it should be any different for asexual people.

 

If you reach a point where you're genuinely interested in experimenting, then by all means do! But you have no obligation to try anything sexual if it's purely to test yourself, especially if you're not fully comfortable with it. You have nothing to prove to anyone.

That's a good point. I guess that my anxiety issues doesn't help me right now, because I have anxiety about all types of things.. and like.. experimenting maybe.. but its not like it's easy to find the people with whom I'd feel comfortable enough to even try it ahahaha..

 

Man, I mean a started seeing a guy in the last few week.. I've seen him 2 times. I told him that I had no experience at all, but he tells me sex is very important for him but that he is willing to wait as long as it could take for me to be confortable. And like I really like the guy.. but I do not think that I have that sexual attraction. Just the little attention he does to me, and spending time and talking this is so perfect, but the + that he wants im really not sure if I'd ever feel ready or want that, because it feels scary. And we'll I like him so I'm scare that it would not work out in the end. But maybe that's just who I am..

[2000Sandy]

2 minutes ago, uhtred said:

There are many things you can know you don't like without trying them.   As an example, straight people are in general sure that they don't want sex with a same-sex person, even if they have never tried.  

 

When you know you don't want something, there is no reason to  try it.

 

Some things you think you probably don't want may be OK to try if the effort / cost is low.  Say a new food - maybe you've never tried sushi - its not crazy to try it.

 

Other things the cost and effort is very high - like joining a religion, or deciding to row a boat across the atlantic. You need to be pretty sure before you try those.

 

For sex, I think you need to decide if its something you don't want, or something you want but are nervous about.  One way to get information is to see if you enjoy fantasies of sex.  If you don't enjoy sexual fantasies, I think its very unlikely you will enjoy sex.  Even if you do enjoy the fantasies, its quite possible you won't want sex in real life, but it might be a reason to explore your feelings a bit more.

I see what you are saying and it makes sense. I guess I just never really questioned myself about it until like recently when I read about what asexuality could be... and its like I don't have much knowledge on what sex could be, if not what we can see in movie. Like I see damn they look like they have fun, but I always think it looks scary to commit like that to someone. But all the other part of the relationship I'm like yes please I want that. I'd want someone who'd walk next to me, or to watch a movie while cuddling with the other.. have a family.. (even if id meant to have sex just for the matter of having a pregnancy and a family in the end, like having sex for the practical reason)?

 

Damn I'm just so lost right now. And sometime I'm even like.. I may also be confortable around other girls.. but the one that I meet are probably all heterosexual sooo.. I can't really try this either 

[2000Sandy]

8 minutes ago, Sammie M said:

I have tried to force myself to have sex with people, because I thought it was the only way to maintain a relationship, but I never could go through with it, and now I have an ace partner so there is no pressure to try.

Did you met that person while attending Ace community things.. or like it just happened and the hasard did that this person was just like you?

[Anomaly Q3Xr]

Just now, 2000Sandy said:

Did you met that person while attending Ace community things.. or like it just happened and the hasard did that this person was just like you?

I have had two asexual partners, I met both online. The first (now ex) was in 2019 and we were just not compatible, but my current partner I met in 2020.

 

The ex I met through a Facebook dating group, and my partner now my best friend (also asexual) saw them post on Asexualitic and suggested to them that we might be compatible, then they messaged me on Facebook and we have been together since about 3 days later.

[2000Sandy]

3 minutes ago, Sammie M said:

I have had two asexual partners, I met both online. The first (now ex) was in 2019 and we were just not compatible, but my current partner I met in 2020.

 

The ex I met through a Facebook dating group, and my partner now my best friend (also asexual) saw them post on Asexualitic and suggested to them that we might be compatible, then they messaged me on Facebook and we have been together since about 3 days later.

Wow that is amazing.. I'm genuily scared go join a group on Facebook and say we'll I may be asexual but I'm not that sure you know. I have no one around me in my family, or my friend that are on the LGBTQ+ (don't hate me I don't know the whole acronym it's new for me), like everyone around me identifies as straight.. so it's like I got no one to talk to about it. I think, I'm from Quebec Canada, that majority of my surroundings would be okay with it.. but I dont know.. what if a join a group and they found about it before I'm actually ready to assume or not myself as one? I wish it was more easy 

[Anomaly Q3Xr]

There are quite a few private Facebook groups for asexuals, where no one outside the group would no you are in them. Membership is only known to those in the group.

 

The groups are generally exclusive to asexuals, or some to asexual-friendly people.

[2000Sandy]

4 minutes ago, Sammie M said:

There are quite a few private Facebook groups for asexuals, where no one outside the group would no you are in them. Membership is only known to those in the group.

 

The groups are generally exclusive to asexuals, or some to asexual-friendly people.

I'll take a look.. someday when I'll feel a bit more confortable hahaha

[uhtred]

14 minutes ago, 2000Sandy said:

I see what you are saying and it makes sense. I guess I just never really questioned myself about it until like recently when I read about what asexuality could be... and its like I don't have much knowledge on what sex could be, if not what we can see in movie. Like I see damn they look like they have fun, but I always think it looks scary to commit like that to someone. But all the other part of the relationship I'm like yes please I want that. I'd want someone who'd walk next to me, or to watch a movie while cuddling with the other.. have a family.. (even if id meant to have sex just for the matter of having a pregnancy and a family in the end, like having sex for the practical reason)?

 

Damn I'm just so lost right now. And sometime I'm even like.. I may also be confortable around other girls.. but the one that I meet are probably all heterosexual sooo.. I can't really try this either 

Sex is important to a lot of people.  I really don't want to stress you more but I think you should think about how you feel before you get too deep into relationships. Its 100% OK to decide that you don't want sex now - you can always change your mind later  But if you don't want sex, you need to let your partners know when the subject comes up.

 

It sounds like you do want romance  - and that is great.   The dificulty is that for many people (but certainly not all) romance and sex are tightly connected.  They don't need to be for you, but you need to be aware that they are for many others.

 

I still think fantasy is the best guide  No need to answer here, this is just for you to think of internally. If you imagine yourself with a romantic partner, does that imagination sort of naturally blend into having sex with them. Do you masturbate to fantasies of sex with someone (again, you don't need to comment here, just think to yourself). I think most people who enjoy sex also masturbate to some sort of fantasy with a partner.   Do you find sex scenes in movies  or stories or porn arousing and enjoy them?

I guess what I'm getting at is that if you enjoy some types of sexuality - then its possible you will enjoy sex, but if you don't enjoy any other sexuality, the you probably will not enjoy sex.

 

 

[Anomaly Q3Xr]

1 minute ago, 2000Sandy said:

I'll take a look.. someday when I'll feel a bit more confortable hahaha

No worries. If you ever want any suggestions of good groups, you can always PM me  

[2000Sandy]

4 minutes ago, uhtred said:

Sex is important to a lot of people.  I really don't want to stress you more but I think you should think about how you feel before you get too deep into relationships. Its 100% OK to decide that you don't want sex now - you can always change your mind later  But if you don't want sex, you need to let your partners know when the subject comes up.

 

It sounds like you do want romance  - and that is great.   The dificulty is that for many people (but certainly not all) romance and sex are tightly connected.  They don't need to be for you, but you need to be aware that they are for many others.

 

I still think fantasy is the best guide  No need to answer here, this is just for you to think of internally. If you imagine yourself with a romantic partner, does that imagination sort of naturally blend into having sex with them. Do you masturbate to fantasies of sex with someone (again, you don't need to comment here, just think to yourself). I think most people who enjoy sex also masturbate to some sort of fantasy with a partner.   Do you find sex scenes in movies  or stories or porn arousing and enjoy them?

I guess what I'm getting at is that if you enjoy some types of sexuality - then its possible you will enjoy sex, but if you don't enjoy any other sexuality, the you probably will not enjoy sex.

 

 

The thing here is that I don't know if I don't want it because I may be just like it or just because I've never done it, never experienced it.. my parents were not the best role model for a common relationship either.. like I want to think that maybe with time I'd become confortable with the idea of sex but in reality I just really do not know. I'm not scared to be honest that I haven't try much, it's just because it scares me, I wouldn't know how to do anything hahaha so how can I know if I'd enjoy it, without knowing where to start or how to explore that you know..

 

But like I'm open with the guy and said well im definitely not ready and I don't know when I could be ready for it. Because it's the reality I just don't know 🤣

[2000Sandy]

6 minutes ago, Sammie M said:

No worries. If you ever want any suggestions of good groups, you can always PM me  

I mean.. I guess I should find group of where I am from.. because at 21 years old I'm not sure I could date someone in a long distance relationship hahaha

[alto]

French kissing is gross to me, I don't blame you on that one.  Lol

[Sister Mercurial]

I'm still not sure, but the older I get, the more convinced I become that I must be somewhere on the ace spectrum, because if I had an allosexual libido, then surely I would have acted on it by now?  

[everywhere and nowhere]

2 hours ago, 2000Sandy said:

But the simple idea of even French kiss someone is terrifying me, so I don't see myself having sex either you know.

If you feel that uncomfortable with the idea of having sex, I feel a need to explicitly discourage you from trying.

In our hypersexualised culture, we receive many messages about sex which are misleading or even false. One of them is the belief that... it's just impossible not to enjoy sex, unthinkable, after all, it's the allwonderfullest pleasure in the world, so how could anyone dislike it, anyone can and should find something they would like... and so on. I think that this view is to a large extent responsible for how many people question "how can they be sure if they never tried". It makes no sense to me: after all, if you feel uncomfortable about sex, if the idea of doing it is not appealing to you in any way, the assumption that the physical act would be so radically opposite from your theoretic feelings about sex seems quite absurd. Your expectations will influence any experience you might have. So if someone feels uncomfortable with the idea of having sex, the likelihood that they could actually enjoy it if they somehow pushed themself to do it seems really minuscule to me. And don't let others guilt you into interpreting it as "You don't even let yourself enjoy sex, you ruin it in advance by your expectations, so you should try it anyway". There's no shame in not wanting to have sex, there's no shame in never trying sex. You have a right to decide what you want from life. Don't normalise unwanted sex by trying to override your feelings. They have a protective aspect too and you are not being "cowardly" or "unadventurous" by choosing not to have sex.

[Lysandre, the Star-Crossed]

I do not find being shot in the face attractive or desirable. I identify as such, but I've never experienced it personally so that's based on inferences and gut feelings. Maybe it's not so bad or even something I'd enjoy, but I don't owe being shot in the face to anyone so I'll never know firsthand.

 

*Now replace "being shot in the face" with "sex" and tell me that's not still equally logical.

[Geekykitty]

1 hour ago, Lysandre, the Star-Crossed said:

I do not find being shot in the face attractive or desirable. I identify as such, but I've never experienced it personally so that's based on inferences and gut feelings. Maybe it's not so bad or even something I'd enjoy, but I don't owe being shot in the face to anyone so I'll never know firsthand.

 

*Now replace "being shot in the face" with "sex" and tell me that's not still equally logical.

Yeah I like to use the comparison of bungy jumping or sky diving - something like that. I have absolutely no desire or interest to try bungy jumping. But some people think its really fun. They might say to me that I should try it, how do I know I might like it if I tried it. And yes that is true. But the point is I don't want to try it. The thought of bungy jumping seems terrifying to me and the preperarion, waiting at the top etc seems like it would give me a panic attack. Sure maybe I could force myself to do it and some part of it might find it exhilirating. But the point is I don't want to try. There's not enough reasons or desire in me to try it. Other people want to bungy jump and even though they might be a bit scared they still want to try it because they think it will be fun. So yeah I see sex a bit the same way 😝

 

5 hours ago, 2000Sandy said:

But how can we be sure that we are on this spectrum, if we haven't experienced it or try it at least one time

I understand how you feel I am often confused also. Its ok if you're not sure yet of your sexuality. The thought of sex kinda scares me as well. But then alot of people try things even though they might be scared them. Its whether you really want to try sex or not. I think its a kind of feeling inside. Only you can work out what you feel in your heart. If you're around someone and feel a pull towards having sex with them then you may decide to try it even though you might still be nervous. But if it doesn't feel right to you then don't force yourself. I can feel attracted to people like celebrities - think they're good looking etc, but when I think of the idea of having sex with them I feel this voice inside me saying "NO" I don't want that. I've never had a close relationship either so I do sometimes question myself, like maybe if I got really close to someone I might feel differently ?? Thats where it gets confusing for me. I guess if that happens then great. But generally I don't feel any strong desire or need to have sex, and when I think about people I feel attracted too I don't feel like I'd want to have sex with if we were in a relationship. I think the best thing is to just follow your heart, listen to your feelings right now. If having sex with someone doesn't feel right to you then don't. If ever you meet someone in the future and you start desiring sex with that person, then that's ok for your feelings to change. 

 

 

 

[Janus the Fox]

Reading this though I feel this severe anxiety needs to be under control first.  I was in the same mental health position.  I knew these thoughts like these where unwanted and irrational, but I got treated for the anxiety first.  I don’t however have any thoughts related to in this thread, it really weren’t something that I’d wanted.

[_Anne_]

(Sorry if spelling mistakes, it's not my native language)

I tried how 99% of people masturbate (touch intimate party without clothes and all their endless technical) because before that I was masturbating me to support long on my vagina with my clothes until it makes the "good" for a few seconds to satisfy my libido and be quiet afterwards.

 

 I thought exactly like you, "How do I know if I have never tried ??" So I did not even though I really wanted and I felt beforehand that I was not going to like it. Conclusion: I have not enjoyed it, I cried and wanted to vomit. The worst is that after that I forced myself to start over several times by testing all masturbation techniques on sites because "I have not tried it, maybe I want" when I don ' in was not at all craving and I was hoping to be a little like everyone else ... Despite the many trials that did not change anything, I just do not like it.

 

 

 I regret having done all this because of one: I did not want and two: for a long time (even a bit now but it is less worse than before) I was traumatized in the sense I was unable to touch my vagina just for ressuiyer or wash without having to tear the eyes. And now I feel a little disgusted with the way I masturbate base (just with my clothes) whereas before I felt just indifference.

 

 

 Just to say that you should not force yourself to do anything just because we did not try. Maybe there is the possibility of a surprise and love it but there is also the possibility of not loving it and it hurt for nothing. Made a few things if you want and you are feeling positive ahead to that and not made the same mistake as me has forced you to do something just to be like everyone else to hurt you!

[Nobody2021]

A long, long time ago, I used to visit this website called texts from last night, and as you can imagine, most texts were about sexual shenanigans these people were involved in. I found the texts amusing, but the acts described disgusting. Like I cannot see the appeal of sex in my life. I enjoy reading/watching sexually explicit content, some of the acts I find “hot” in fiction. So I like reading about certain things, but I wouldn’t actually enjoy engaging in those acts physically.

In any case, I’ve always known I don’t want kids. The idea of having a kid creeps me out. Even if I could have a kid via a surrogate, that is not something that appeals to me. Being called a mom is not something I’ve ever desired and I’ve never had kids, but I am 110% I don’t want to and I’m not going to go have one just to prove to myself what I already know. 
Instinctively we already know what we want/like or don’t want/like. 
I read once somewhere that humans are the only animals that don’t follow their gut even if usually your gut instincts are correct. I say you follow your gut. If you feel sex is not for you, then don’t do it, but at the same time, if you feel like you need to confirm your feelings by having sex, just be very sure that is what you want to do.
In my younger days I did try to be more flirty and a bit more touchy-feely than what is my nature and now that I’m older I cringe at those memories. In my case it didn’t escalate further because I had an underlying trauma, but maybe if I didn’t I might have done things I would regret. 
In my case, I enjoy sex as an abstract thing, ( via drawings or literature. I’m not too interested in porn with actual flesh and blood actors), but that’s as far as my attraction/desire go. 
i have finally gotten to a point in my life where I am very comfortable in my own skin.

wish you all the best 

[Masterman]

On 5/18/2022 at 6:29 PM, 2000Sandy said:

But how can we be sure that we are on this spectrum, if we haven't experienced it or try it at least one time? 

Hi!

 

It's a falacy to think you need to try everything in order to know if you like it. Many things are instictive.

 

Would you say you need to try eating dung before being absolutely sure you dislike it? It's probable you don't, because your body and mind is to reject the thought.

 

Same for many sexual orientations, including asexuality. Other people do need to "experiment" beforehand, so I guess it depends on each particular case.

 

Most heterosexuals, for instance won't be needing to experience homosexual sex in order to know that they don't like it (and viceversa). They'd likely be repulsed by the idea instictively. Of course, it's only those who are "confused" or "questioning", who need to try before knowing (and it's perfectly valid).

 

But knowing without doing it it's also perfectly normal, in every scenario. Hope that makes sense!

[everywhere and nowhere]

On 7/11/2022 at 5:09 PM, Masterman said:

Most heterosexuals, for instance won't be needing to experience homosexual sex in order to know that they don't like it (and viceversa).

With the exception that heterosexuals don't get told "How can you be sure that you are not actually bi? Maybe you should try with a guy/girl too, don't limit yourself!" - in fact, many people would consider such a suggestion very inappropriate. And, in contrast, gay people receive a lot of pressure to try straight sex. In fact, to me this kind of denial of authority, of the person's ability to recognise and define their own needs, is what unites all queer orientations, including asexuality, and set them apart from the experience of straight people, who almost never receive this kind of doubts, at least if they are cis. (Trans people are an exception here, because for example a straight trans man will always be considered "a confused lesbian" by some people...)