Could it be the case that asexuality is related to the dislike towards penetrative sex?

[May Prince]

First off, I started a romantic relationship with another asexual person exactly 549 days ago (Yes, I have the counter on in my smartphone), and then after several weeks, my partner (she does not have her own account in AVEN yet, by the way) and I started to try some erotic things just out of curiosity at the time.

 

Then, now that more than one year has passed, my partner and I kinda concluded that, while both of us still feel quite a lot uncomfortable with the typical form of penetrative sex, we actually discovered that we nonetheless enjoy ALL OTHER facets of erotic exchanges.....?

 

So that made us start to wonder: Could it be the case that asexuality is related one way or another to the dislike towards penetrative sex in specific?

[Ceebs]

I really doubt it. Asexuals just have no innate desire to engage in any type of sexual activity with others. If you and your partner enjoy and choose to repeatedly engage in non-penetrative sex, that's still sex, so you might want to reevaluate whether 'asexual' is the most accurate way for you to identify.

[nanogretchen4]

How you and your partner choose to identify is your own business. If you and your partner both desire every form of partnered sex except penetration, that's great and I'm glad you found each other.

 

However, the assumption that most asexuals do or should desire every form of partnered sex except penetration is false and harmful. It feeds into the narrative that asexuals should seek out sexual partners and then have some form of unwanted sex on a regular basis for the rest of their lives. Around 95% of asexuals do not want any form of partnered sex, and they just aren't obligated to have it. 

[Lord Jade Cross]

Penetrative is like oral sex is like anal sex; a form of having sex. You can enjoy one form of having sex while disliking the other. It doesnt mean that because you dont like that particular form of sex that you dont like sex at all. Actively wanting to engage in sex makes you sexual, that is the key difference between sexuals and (to strech the word), a sex positive asexual

 

But at the end of the day, an asexual simply wont have any innate desire for sex. They can certainly participate in it, but it will never be a case of "I want to have sex with you" 

[Morays]

11 hours ago, May Prince said:

So that made us start to wonder: Could it be the case that asexuality is related one way or another to the dislike towards penetrative sex in specific?

Nope, I can assure you that my discomfort and aversion towards sexual activity is all-encompassing, and is shared by most of the other non-sex-favorable asexuals that I know.

 

It's a harmful and pervasive myth that sexual relationships have to involve penetration or else it's not "real" sex, and I think acknowledging and affirming that some folks don't like penetration but still enjoy other forms of sex is important and unfortunately underdiscussed.

 

However, I think conflating that experience with asexuality as a whole is highly misleading. A consistent lack of desire for sexual activity is just not the same thing as being turned off by a single specific act.

[NHD]

1 hour ago, May Prince said:

First off, I started a romantic relationship with another asexual person exactly 549 days ago (Yes, I have the counter on in my smartphone), and then after several weeks, my partner (she does not have her own account in AVEN yet, by the way) and I started to try some erotic things just out of curiosity at the time.

 

Then, now that more than one year has passed, my partner and I kinda concluded that, while both of us still feel quite a lot uncomfortable with the typical form of penetrative sex, we actually discovered that we nonetheless enjoy ALL OTHER facets of erotic exchanges.....?

 

So that made us start to wonder: Could it be the case that asexuality is related one way or another to the dislike towards penetrative sex in specific?

I believe an asexual person is born asexual because when I was virgin and even after the first time I was penetrated, I did not desire to have sex. But the kicker is I also Disliked being penetrated for over a score. Maybe it was embedded deep down inside of us for some asexual's to dislike it before we even tried it and we just didn't know it yet, lol. Everyone I've ever told this to always said they don't understand, but that's my truth.

[Guest]

2 hours ago, May Prince said:

First off, I started a romantic relationship with another asexual person exactly 549 days ago (Yes, I have the counter on in my smartphone), and then after several weeks, my partner (she does not have her own account in AVEN yet, by the way) and I started to try some erotic things just out of curiosity at the time.

 

Then, now that more than one year has passed, my partner and I kinda concluded that, while both of us still feel quite a lot uncomfortable with the typical form of penetrative sex, we actually discovered that we nonetheless enjoy ALL OTHER facets of erotic exchanges.....?

 

So that made us start to wonder: Could it be the case that asexuality is related one way or another to the dislike towards penetrative sex in specific?

well there are many sexual women (lesbian and hetero) who dislike being penetrated (and some guys who dislike penetrating) but they desire and enjoy other forms of sexual intimacy hence why they do not identify as asexual. There are many forms of sex, penetration is only one of them 

 

 

[uhtred]

There are a wide range of human sexualities.  

 

There are people who do not enjoy any form of sex - and "asexual" is a convenient label for these people.

 

Most people do not enjoy all forms of sex.   Whethere someone who enjoys a fairly limited set of sexual activities wants to call themselves "asexual" is entirely up to them.  I wouldn't personally use that term for someone who did enjoy some forms of sex.

 

In a relationship its compatibility that matters.  If there are a set of sexual activities that make both people happy, then that is great. It doesn't matter of those activities are the ones most people enjoy.

[Guest]

It's possible I'm in a similar situation. That, I feel erotic interest.

 

When I talked to my friend about this, she said, "So you're not asexual anymore?" and at first I was afraid and angry. How can she say I'm not asexual when I don't feel an innate desire for sex? But now I realize, that an asexual does not feel sexual attraction. This is the definition the community shares and accepts. And if I feel sexual attraction, then I am not asexual. And, what I feel, it is sexual attraction, even though there is no active desire for sex.

 

Where does this put my beliefs? Well, I know from the testamony of others that a fully sexual person wants to have sex with their partner and connect with them, and wants to feel sexually desired by their partner, that if the partner does not actively desire a sexual exchange, then it doesn't feel right for them, and they don't want it or feel too uncomfortable with it. 

 

 

I think that sexual desire and the desire to connect sexually or erotically with someone is a part of sexual attraction, but not the entirety. There is more to attraction that involves one's sexual energy, than just desire. I know I experience a sexual connection to my attraction, but have not once felt an active innate desire to have sex. 

 

So yeah, I identify as greysexual now, and embrace the sexual side of my attraction. Eroticism would fall under this category too, I believe. I don't know what it is you are doing, but if you are pursuing an erotic connection or exchange or experience with someone else, then it would fall under the category of sexual attraction.

[Iam9man]

5 hours ago, May Prince said:

Then, now that more than one year has passed, my partner and I kinda concluded that, while both of us still feel quite a lot uncomfortable with the typical form of penetrative sex, we actually discovered that we nonetheless enjoy ALL OTHER facets of erotic exchanges.....?

Based on this description you may find some answers in this thread:

 

 

[Snao Cone]

I get bored of straightforward masturbation after about 90 seconds, so I don't think I could sustain any interest in sexual activity, penetrative or not. A number of other members here over the year have concluded they're not asexual after they explored non-penetrative options, so I think it's important to distinguish between that and simply not desiring any type of sex. The grey area can still be inclusive of people into niche areas of sex that are not widely seen as standard sexual activity, though. There are probably similarities in perspectives and experiences that overlap; it's just not an inherent part of the concept that asexual people will like other kinds of sexual intimacy. 

[EmeraldIce]

No, asexuality is a sexuality, related to who they're sexually attracted to (no one). While asexuals can be and often are sex-averse, the idea of asexuality is fundamentally not about sexual practice at all but rather attraction.

 

To me, being asexual is basically feeling like the entire world is in on a lie. You know that thing where you have a crush on someone because you find them attractive and you just want to be with them? You know how books and movies do that thing where two people inch closer and closer and eventually they can't think of anything else and your body just takes over? You know how people assume that if you're alone in a room with the opposite sex you might not hold yourself in? You know how people leave relationships or cheat because of the lack of sex or sexual compatibility?

 

All of that...all of that, sounds like a hoax to me, because every ounce of my being, every ounce of my experience, tells me that it's a lie. That's why I identify as asexual.

 

Personally, I have neither aversion nor pleasure when it comes to sex with humans. And I enjoy masturbating sometimes. Some asexuals might even enjoy sex. But what sets an asexual apart is that the sex drive (if present at all) is not directed toward nor is it a response to another human. An asexual can enjoy the act of sex, but they will never experience sexual tension, because sexual tension is person-focused.

[everywhere and nowhere]

7 hours ago, Lord Jade Cross said:

Actively wanting to engage in sex makes you sexual, that is the key difference between sexuals and (to strech the word), a sex positive asexual

Don't stretch words like that. "Sex-positive" does not mean "comfortable with having sex". It means only a political stance on sexuality. What you mean is called "sex-favourable" and stretching meanings like you do can be dangerous to asexuals who are sex-positive in the true meaning of the word.

I am myself sex-negative, but I will continue reminding it for their sake. There are many more sex-positive asexuals than sex-favourable ones, and they need a way to be able to safely express their views without creating an impression that they are personally open to sex, which may very well not be true.

[Purple Red Panda]

I'm not keen on the idea of me penetrating anyone with penis but to what extent (if any) that has to do with my asexuality I'm not 100% sure. I'm more neutral towards other forms of sexual activity so I'm inclined to see my dislike of that kind of sex as just being a personal thing (as I'm sure it is for some sexual people) and my asexualty as being more to do with my lack of desire for partnered sex.

[everywhere and nowhere]

2 hours ago, Burgundy Ashe said:

How can she say I'm not asexual when I don't feel an innate desire for sex? But now I realize, that an asexual does not feel sexual attraction. This is the definition the community shares and accepts. And if I feel sexual attraction, then I am not asexual. And, what I feel, it is sexual attraction, even though there is no active desire for sex.

I prefer defining asexuality as lack of desire for sex. I agree with you that attraction and desire are not the same and that one can exist without the other, but... despite my views about the philosophical significance of inner experience, I just can;t grasp why should asexuality be defined through what you feel when you look at someone. It is not meaningless, it's a potentially rich and multifaceted experience - "the realm of possible experience is infinite", as I often put it - but I still wouldn't consider it a good base for defining orientation because it's still something relatively vague which doesn't say much about our social functioning. Whereas sexual desire says a lot. Some asexuals are just psychologically unable to have sex, in a world which expects everyone to do so and to have glowing views about sex. Some do it out of many reasons, such as pressure, curiousity, or even a distrust of their own experience in face of all the sociocultural messages that it's impossible not to want sex - but they still cannot function in the long run like allosexual people do, they cannot keep pretending that they desire and enjoy sex when in fact they never do.

On top of that, "sexual attraction" is a term which actively confuses people. So I prefer the desire-based definition and I regret that AVEN insists so much on using the other one. It's, of course, up to you how you identify. But at least for my sensitivity, if someone never actually desires sex due to factors such as sex aversion, it's not even graysexual. To me it qualifies as asexual without any problems. You, of course, don't have to share my view. I only wish that other people who experience some form of sexual attraction, but never desire sex, weren't told that they shouldn't identify as asexual.

[Coffigirl]

I'm new to all this, my life has had sexual understanding suppressed. I, after a lot of research feel I am demi sexual. However I also do not want to have penetrative sex, this I feel is more due to bad experiences rather than my (self) assigned sexuality. In fact for me I can shy away from sex, although I don't totally feel repulsed by it, hence feeling I sit better in the demi sexual area, knowing I can, with someone I have connected with, enjoy other pleasures.

Am I getting this kind of right? Thanks for any help.

[Fangorn]

For some people, it could be, but definitely not for everyone. Most non-penetrative sex seems gross to me, while penetration doesn't. I don't consider myself fully asexual, since I do feel sexual attraction, but I'm on the asexual spectrum.

[Geekykitty]

On 5/18/2022 at 8:49 PM, May Prince said:

Then, now that more than one year has passed, my partner and I kinda concluded that, while both of us still feel quite a lot uncomfortable with the typical form of penetrative sex, we actually discovered that we nonetheless enjoy ALL OTHER facets of erotic exchanges.....?

 

So that made us start to wonder: Could it be the case that asexuality is related one way or another to the dislike towards penetrative sex in specific?

I think generally most asexuals do not desite ANY kind of sexual type interaction. I dislike the idea of penetrative sex, but I also don't want to be doing other sexual stuff - touching genitals, whatever else there is .... Even though it may not technically be defined as sex its still sexual type interaction which to me is all the same thing. I think asexuals generally do not feel that kind of attraction/desire to engage in sexual type things with someone. 

[Reindeer]

On 5/18/2022 at 4:03 AM, Lady Telecaster said:

I really doubt it. Asexuals just have no innate desire to engage in any type of sexual activity with others. If you and your partner enjoy and choose to repeatedly engage in non-penetrative sex, that's still sex, so you might want to reevaluate whether 'asexual' is the most accurate way for you to identify.

I mean there is kinky asexuals. What if they mean something like that?

[Lysandre, the Star-Crossed]

On 5/28/2022 at 3:26 AM, Reindeer said:

I mean there is kinky asexuals. What if they mean something like that?

Kink isn't always sexual. Just pointing that out

[Reindeer]

1 hour ago, Lysandre, the Star-Crossed said:

Kink isn't always sexual. Just pointing that out

No one proposed it was.