Do my sexual fantasies make me an "invalid" ace?

[HarrietTheSpy]

Hello to anyone who reads this... I am new here! I've been searching far and wide, but I still feel confused on some things and while maybe no one can actually answer these things for me except myself, I am still hoping to gain some clarity from talking to others about it. I'll just jump right in. 

 

I am pretty certain I am a sex-repulsed aro-ace. I have no interest in sex or romance. The idea of kissing on the lips makes zero sense to me and sex makes me physically uncomfortable and disgusted. I also never felt comfortable with the idea of romanctice relationships. I've never kissed, had sex, been in such a relationship, or anything like that but I also never felt comfortable or interested pursuing that, so here we are. I relate to most Aro and Ace discussions, characters, and even memes (lol) that I've come across. I love rom-coms, but I hate the idea of me being in a romance. Even before I knew the identity, I have never been able to really imagine myself in a relationship of the romantic or sexual kind, hated any kind of reference to, idea of, or conversation about me and romance, and, once I learned about sex, was utterly disgusted and nauseated by the whole idea of it all (I'm not sex negative towards others, just sex repulsed for me). I was very confused throughout my teenage years and beyond regarding sexual orientation. I thought I was bi (or pan once I learned about it), then I thought I was actually surely gay, and then I found out about asexuality and aromanticism and felt so... authentic and honest with that description... yet I doubted myself and have been unable to feel valid in my identity fully until now. Funny story, when I came out to my family as gay, my mom said that maybe now I can explore relationships and suggested the idea of me with a girlfriend, and, internally, I literally panicked and was super uncomfortable. But, at the time, I didn't know what that meant. I just thought, I'm definitely not straight so I must be gay. And, it felt good to feel I had found an identity at first. But then, it also became inauthentic feeling.

 

 I've been confused on some things that I can't find other Aces or Aros discussing; I have always had what I thought were "crushes" on certain fictional TV or book characters or sometimes (rarely but sometimes) people I've known, and this was usually a mixture of their personality that I grew to love or feel "attracted to" as well as this feeling I can't deny that I found them aesthetically or visually "cute" or pleasing to look at. The thing is (this has confused me so much), I can't picture myself kissing them, having sex with them, etc, I literally just fantasize about being best friends with them. See, I think this is a "Squish", but then the "Fantasies" confuse me and make me question my aro ace vailidity. Basically, I sometimes have sexual fantasies  where I'm having sex with someone and I enjoy it or am... wanting it to keep happening (I've never even had sex, so it's just made up of what I've seen in films I guess). This particularly happens when i'm hormonal (around my period or ovulation), so sometimes I wonder if my sleep brain is just reacting to physical "urges" towards sex that, in waking, my brain does not want any part of. Once I wake up fully, however, I always feel utterly disgusted, nauseated, and uncomfortable. In these sex dreams, I tend to have this different view of myself. As if, I'm a different person (with a different personality and way of reacting) and thus my desires are different. I sometimes wonder if it's just the person I wish I could be (but don't actually want to be), as I've always been equally jealous of and uncomfortable with peers that were super sex-posititve, openly gushed about crushes and "hot" celebrities, while I never understood how to do or be that and what "hot" even really means. When it boils down to it, I don't like the idea of kissing, holding hands, having sex, having a romantic or sexual partner, and all such related activities for me. It literally either makes no sense (in a "why would anyone want to put their lips against another person's lips?!" way) and disgusts me to my core. So, I'm pretty sure that means I'm sex (and romance?) repulsed. But, my dreaming fantasies make me question whether it means I can call myself aro ace. 

 

Basically I'm wondering if any other aces have such fantasies and if my having them makes me definitely not an asexual person? I feel this guilt and worry about using the label (even just for myself) if it's invalid, yet I also feel it's the truest label I've ever come across to describe exactly how I feel about sex and romance. 

 

I apologize for the length of this post and potential TMI. I am very confused and, I suppose, am desperate for the validation and support of others. If you read this, I appreciate it. If you respond, thank you very much!! 

[Lord Jade Cross]

Couple of things here

 

Firstly, welcome

Secondly, I can fully uddrstand the trying on different labels until one fits, but there is a bit of a double edge issue with it and its that if at some point, you do, or say, or think something that somehow doesnt aligned with an idealized version of the label, it can make any progress you make revert back, somewhat like what youre describing has happened to you.

 

There is no problem with identifying with a label, but make sure youre identifying with the label and not that the label is identifying you

 

Celebrity crushes. Many people have them and theres nothing wrong with it (so long as you dont do anything crazy like some fans), mainly because its just a fantasy and a fantasy doesnt really dictate who you are.

 

Speaking of fantasies, and this is difficult for many people to wrap their head around, much like celebrity crushes, its something that only happens in your mind and in it anything you can think of is possible. But at the end of the day, its just a pleasing thought, not something real, not something you neccesarily want to do in real life. I get the phrasing is limited in certain regards and as such it creates this logical error that gets people stuck.

 

Think about it this way. Suppose you see a high speed chase movie, its exciting, theres drama, action, the whole nine yards. Now once you finish seeing that movie, are you going to get in your car and drive at 140mph? Chances are you wont. Sexual fantasies work like that as well. You can have them, you can enjoy them, but they only ever remain in your mind. They dont mean youre going to strip for the next persom that crosses your path just because

 

 Also, having sexual fantasies doent invalidate things. Remember what I said about not letting the label identify you? Thats one of the most classical examples

 

[Geekykitty]

16 hours ago, HarrietTheSpy said:

Basically I'm wondering if any other aces have such fantasies and if my having them makes me definitely not an asexual person? I feel this guilt and worry about using the label (even just for myself) if it's invalid, yet I also feel it's the truest label I've ever come across to describe exactly how I feel about sex and romance. 

Hi there, I relate to everything you said 😆

I also have never had sex or been in a serious type relationship. The idea of myself having sex in real life makes me feel gross and is not something I have a desire to try. But I do sometimes have fantasies about sex. In the fantasies I tend to imagine a guy who resembles a celebrity I like, and they are having a sexual relationship with a woman who I guess kinda represents "me" but is nothing like me at all in appearance or personality. I don't know why I enjoy these fantasies. I guess its fun just making up a story in my head and maybe somehow my body's way of trying to understand sex, or relieve some bodily urges??🤪

I never really imagine myself having sex with anyone I know in real life - that to me is gross. It is only ever really fantasy characters. 

Anyway, I don't think having fantasies is the same as wanting something in real life. Just like we can watch movies about things like violence and killing - but don't necessarily want that in real life. Asexuals don't desire sex in real life with real people. But some still enjoy sex scenes or fantasising about sex. I know it seems contradictory ! I don't know why we have these fantasies, but it isn't the same as wanting sex yourself in real life.

[nanogretchen4]

There is no such thing as an invalid ace. There are people with valid ace identities and there are people with other, equally valid identities. It's better to choose the label that seems to most nearly fit your feelings and experiences than to pick a label and then try to make your feelings and experiences fit it.

[HarrietTheSpy]

 

22 hours ago, Lord Jade Cross said:

There is no problem with identifying with a label, but make sure youre identifying with the label and not that the label is identifying you

Firstly, thank you for responding and for your wisdom and sage advice. I needed to hear/read it. Second, your analogy for fantasies being like seeing something entertaining in a movie really makes sense. Good point! Thinking of things in those terms and considering how I feel made me realize more about how I really feel. It seems obvious now, after reading the replies, but I really needed to be told these things from someone else. Sometimes it gets a bit crazy and hard to decipher or understand when it's just me and my overwhelming and endless thoughts. 

[Sally]

I've had fantasies in dreams all my life, but I'm about the most asexual person imaginable.  Despite being married and then having a romantic longterm relationship with a sexual, I've never wanted to have sex.  I HAD sex because I thought I should, and I thought I'd eventually get used to it/like it, but nope, never did.  So fantasies are just fantasies, not real life.  

[HarrietTheSpy]

7 hours ago, Geekykitty said:

Anyway, I don't think having fantasies is the same as wanting something in real life. Just like we can watch movies about things like violence and killing - but don't necessarily want that in real life. Asexuals don't desire sex in real life with real people. But some still enjoy sex scenes or fantasising about sex. I know it seems contradictory ! I don't know why we have these fantasies, but it isn't the same as wanting sex yourself in real life.

Thank you for the response! You have no idea (or maybe you do 😉 ) how glad that makes me feel to have someone respond to my expressed feelings about such stuff with an "I relate". I guess it's all be said and done before countless times, but somehow, it still took me posting in a forum desperately asking for validation and advice and help to have the point driven home... or whatever the phrase is. 

 

The way you put how fantasies aren't the same as what one may desire in real life makes perfect sense - and I totally relate to that description so it helped me figure out what I was trying to figure out more. I guess it's like how I will watch a good rom com and sometimes feel my heart swell and have this feeling of wanting to be part of the situation... but actually, I don't want that in the slightest. Really, it's something that is fun or entertaining for my brain or soul or whatever to momentarily think about and then move on when I want to. I also can never really picture a crush in these fantasies clearly; If I try to straight up imagine myself with the person or picture them in the fantasy/dream, I honestly can't really and the idea feels odd to me. The distinction between what you actually desire pursuing or engaging in in real life was helpful for me here, so thanks. 

[HarrietTheSpy]

3 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

There are people with valid ace identities and there are people with other, equally valid identities.

 

3 hours ago, nanogretchen4 said:

It's better to choose the label that seems to most nearly fit your feelings and experiences than to pick a label and then try to make your feelings and experiences fit it.

Thank you for the succinct, validating, and valuable wisdom! I can't say that I'm not going to still have moments of doubt about what I am, I agree with what you pointed out. I know that, when it comes down to it, one doesn't have to identify with or use labels and describe their orientation with the terms in the current vernacular. I honestly sometimes really wish that I could simply not care and be one of those people who never needed or felt the urge to use a label, to tell anyone their sexual orientation (because, honestly, it's not really anyone's business), to discuss it, or to identify in any groups available to them. That said, I also really want to understand myself and put an end to the confusion and doubt I always feel. When I say "valid", I guess what I mean is simply, am I actually ace? The whole conversation around desire confuses me. But this has been helpful.

 

So, I'm confused but also have these moments where I feel I'm just postponing or eluding self-acceptance because I'm worried it will come back to bite me and I'll be wrong/change one day later. I feel pretty ace and aro right now, and my past feelings match up to this conclusion. But I can't help but fear the "what ifs". Anyways, thanks for reading my post and responding. 

[HarrietTheSpy]

26 minutes ago, Sally said:

I've had fantasies in dreams all my life, but I'm about the most asexual person imaginable.  Despite being married and then having a romantic longterm relationship with a sexual, I've never wanted to have sex.  I HAD sex because I thought I should, and I thought I'd eventually get used to it/like it, but nope, never did.  So fantasies are just fantasies, not real life.  

Thanks for the insight, Sally. It really helps my confidence and understanding of my own experience of things to hear from others. I keep thinking that I've found it, I've realized it, once and for all I am being authentic and honest with myself when I accept and say (in my head) that I am aro ace, but then I have one of those fantasies or dreams or crushes and feel completely conflicted and mainly like I don't deserve to identify as ace if I have those thoughts. But I realize that's a bit crazy and that it's a spectrum and everyone's experience can be different. Like you said,  fantasies are just fantasies, not real life. And that really boosts my confidence to realize. So thank you for reading my post and responding!