new feelings idk how to feel about

[AmusedSkeptic]

whoa ok so I haven't been on aven for a hot sec but needed advice and remembered this fabulous place so here i am!! good to be back

 

i've been questioning my romantic orientation lately. i used to identify as aro but now i might be gray or demi? i have very confusing feelings about my friend. i'm too lazy for sentences so the facts are:

• known him for about 8 months
• when i first met them i questioned if i had more than platonic feelings but those faded and i accepted that i just had little experience having close friends and i just really platonically liked him
• when i think about kissing them sometimes i cringe and sometimes i smile. seems to depend on my mood and how closed off i'm feeling
• in general i want to be around him a lot
• he's amab and while i've never expressed interest in one gender over another, biologically male bodies have always been... more ehw (no offense). which yes i'm ace so that kinda explains it but idk might be something to take into account
• we snuggle a lot and it's nice
• i don't get butterflies around them nor do i blush or any of the stereotypical stuff. my brain doesn't go haywire from seeing/interacting
• he has a crush (or something like it) on me and has for a while. they haven't told me anything directly but i can read him like a book and our friends like to drop subtle hints to fluster him while i pretend to be oblivious. is that a good idea? prolly not but it's funny
• adding to that, they also identify as ace and are questioning their romantic orientation
• i have another friend and we're very flirtatious with each other and i kind of have similar feelings for her but also different. don't feel like getting more into that bc it's not super relevant in my life but
• i realize queer platonic is a thing and that might be what this is, but i just want to make sure i know exactly what i'm feeling

 

not sure what i'm looking for but any thoughts y'all have will be interesting. sorry about my grammar i am focusing on finals and also just so done with my brain rn so im just using aven to word-splat. friend in question's pronouns are he/they btw

 

thank you and good night

obrigada e boa noite

谢谢，晚安

[Guest]

Romantic attraction has such a vague definition, it's hard to pin it down even for people who feel romantic attraction frequently. I think in the end it matters how you define romance for yourself and if your situation fits that (I know this is kind of a frustrating thing to hear, but this is the only proper thing I got from the months of obsession over figuring out what romantic attraction actually is 😅).

[steel_quill]

21 hours ago, redcat said:

i realize queer platonic is a thing and that might be what this is

There's also alterous.

 

21 hours ago, redcat said:

when i think about kissing them sometimes i cringe and sometimes i smile. seems to depend on my mood and how closed off i'm feeling

If there's a version of "arovague" but for romantically-coded activities, that would seem to match this description.

 

Caveat the following with I have not definitively experienced romantic attraction, so this is based on what I've read on this site and others.

 

Some of the common traits of romantic attraction seem to be:

1. FIRST AND FOREMOST (and the only definitive way to know you identify as romantic): wanting to label the relationship as "romantic" -- i.e., not satisfied with being "friends" or even "really good friends" or something equivalent.
2. Physiological responses (like the "butterflies" or nervous excitement around that person) -- though it sounds like you don't experience this. Could be a function of having already known this person for some time, though, and this trait is typically exhibited at the beginning of a crush/infatuation.
3. Desire for long-term commitment (i.e., spending alone time, emotional intimacy, wanting to spend forever with that person)
4. Later on.... wanting to "merge" lives (i.e., feeling like that person is an extension of yourself)
5. Mild obsessiveness (i.e., jealousy if that person pays more attention to someone else, thinking about that person all the time)