How would one go about getting an Ace/Kinky partner?

[Reindeer]

Like someone who I designated times each month so I could schedule it in 

Someone who does not want physical intimacy 

While expressing the type of relationship I am into? 

Like explaining I am ACE 

 

 

[oldgeeza]

Ever tried Fetlife? They have groups dedicated to the asexual community, might be worth a shot

[Reindeer]

2 hours ago, oldgeeza said:

Ever tried Fetlife? They have groups dedicated to the asexual community, might be worth a shot

I doubt ill get  any hits on that. I woukd need to have a lot of skimpy photos. Also is anyone going to go for an asexual? 

[Janus the Fox]

I uhh… found my kinky ace partner by pure luck and chance.  Since we are both within the Furry/Mobian kink we met by random via a local Furry meetup group and physically met at a Furmeet 5 years ago before Covid put a stop to it.  So I can only guess that to find a community, integrate into it and something or someone could be interested with something more than fulfilling that kink. 

[oldgeeza]

2 hours ago, Reindeer said:

I doubt ill get  any hits on that. I woukd need to have a lot of skimpy photos. Also is anyone going to go for an asexual? 

There's asexual groups on Fetlife, if you don't try, you won't know

[Reindeer]

27 minutes ago, oldgeeza said:

There's asexual groups on Fetlife, if you don't try, you won't know

I saying that as someone who already knew of fetlife. Also since when? 

[oldgeeza]

@Reindeer I've been on Fetlife myself for a few years now, although I'm not really looking for a partner, I do have my little fetish which I need to fulfill every so often, I've made a few friends through meeting with people on there

[ThatBadCat]

1 hour ago, Reindeer said:

I saying that as someone who already knew of fetlife. Also since when? 

I've been active on Fetlife for years, and there have always been Asexual groups on there from what I recall.

 

4 hours ago, Reindeer said:

I doubt ill get  any hits on that. I woukd need to have a lot of skimpy photos. Also is anyone going to go for an asexual? 

Not true. I have found play partners through Fetlife, and I have no skimpy photos (all of my photos are head to toe heavy bondage, you can't even really tell I'm female) and am open about being asexual. You "get hits" by being active on groups relating to your kinks, and saying interesting things that make people want to get to know you better. Fetlife is not a dating site though. Attending munches/local events is by far the best way to meet kinky people and develop relationships.

[Guest]

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[Reindeer]

On 5/23/2022 at 3:29 AM, Notaradish said:

@Reindeer

Unfortunately there are not many avenues for you to use to find kinky aces. Fet is literally one of the only ways you can actively look and find them. (All the other kinky sites seem to be even more like sexual hookup sites). So you're not going to get many other suggestions here. And waiting to come across a compatible ace by chance is not a good idea, statistically the odds are not in your favor. The good thing though is that fetlife works, as long as you use it right and persist.

 

I'm a kinky aroace myself who uses fet big time. I set asexual as my orientation on fet (you can do that now). And I describe my asexuality and what all I am and am not looking for and what I can and cant do in my bio. That's very important.

 

I do not have ANY photo of myself posted on fet and I can still find people. Some have a harder time trusting or connecting without a photo but not all are like that and if you can offer a photo of yourself (not even skimpy, literally just basic casual, SFW pictures) that will help you more than me who can't post any picture of myself at all.

 

Next, I started reading writings, statuses, following people I find interesting (even if we aren't kink compatible, you can learn a lot on fet) and most importantly of all, joining and interacting in groups.

 

I've joined these asexual groups on fet.

- Asexual & Kinky

- Asexual

- Ask an Asexual a Question

 

[Asexual & Kinky is the largest and most active, that's the group you should absolutely look through and participate in the most. Participation is important to get noticed, I've been contacted because of that multiple times.]

 

And I'd also join groups related to your particular kinks, asexuals or nonsexually motivated people will lurk in them too. There are groups specifically for nonsexual kinks as well.

 

I've found many interesting people from browsing group content and I've been contacted more than once from posting and interacting in the groups. In fact I was recently contacted by a domme who thought I may be a good match for her ace sub and now I'm seeing where that leads. All from a simple group discussion I had. Interaction and putting yourself out there appropriately works.

 

You can post personal ads if you want, but do not rely on them, consistently engaging with groups and content on fet is how you really meet people.

 

If you can't do in-person munches you can do online virtual events to talk to people from the event tab.

 

And I'd recommend you to stay away from K&P, its mostly the same sex crap over and over.

 

Just know to keep an eye out for scammers and horny and toxic men (and women, anyone really) who may show up in your inbox. It'll be worse if you present as a woman or femme. Just as a heads up.

Ill have to reset my profile and make a new one 

I also do not want to give sensitive info to randos though. 

How does one navigate that? As everyone jumps in with ASL 

 

[Guest]

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[Reindeer]

10 minutes ago, Notaradish said:

@Reindeer

I had to look it up, I'm guessing ASL stands for age/sex/location?

 

I don't say my age on my profile either, it's set to 102. I do give away that I'm male but I've seen people not specify, it's an option. And labels like nonbinary, genderfluid, or genderqueer also exist if that's preferable. And you can set your location to "Antarctica" if you want. I used to set my location to just say "United States" but I eventually specified my state as well to help me be more open about things. But I still won't specify my actual county.

 

In my profile I explicitly state that I will not give away my age, face, or location for a long time, only after enough trust has been formed. I would list and explain your own anonymity requirements in your bio too.

 

The major problem with this level of anonymity is it will always inevitably narrow your choices. Many people don't feel comfortable talking to extremely anonymous people, some have age and gender preferences that are important for connection and some aren't willing to move if locations are too far away.

 

Unfortunately the more anonymous you are the harder it will be to connect and trust and there's no changing that. I've had trouble connecting with people because of my own anonymity and I'm not even as anonymous as you seem to want to be. So it's going to be hard.

 

But it's not impossible, there are people who don't care as much about that and are willing to get closer first. If you feel more comfortable being that anonymous at first then absolutely do so, don't give up trying altogether because of the pressure and chances. It's better than not trying at all.

 

Hopefully over time you may get more comfortable revealing more, and that will definitely help. But even if not you still have to put yourself out there somehow and get started. Just be very clear about that in your bio and in communication.

 

Focus on connecting with people over content, similar interests and viewpoints first. Don't jump right into kink talk.

 

Take your time and be patient, you're probably not finding a partner within a few months unless you're very lucky. It could take years, you never know.

Oh yes I tried that last time and they jumped in PM asking for me to give more identifying information such as city, pictures, sex, ecs. I said no and they said "you have to, you are on a dating website".  I generally put what I am into, my state, and my age.  

[Guest]

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[Reindeer]

5 hours ago, Notaradish said:

@Reindeer

Hah…yeah those aren't the people you should be talking to. Fetlife is NOT a dating site. It markets itself as a kinky facebook and it's not designed to easily find people. The lack of a profile searching/filtering tool attests to that and for good reason.

 

Of course this doesn't stop people from using it that way, but that's not it's intended purpose so don't believe them. If they try to pull that on you they're not compatible. They're rushing things and disregarding your stated boundaries.

 

Yea asking for that stuff right off the bat despite saying otherwise is wrong. Major red flags, avoid them. Safe people will respect your boundaries.

 

And if you're putting your age and state you're in a better spot than I thought. But you're coming across the wrong people.

I mean if you all gonna be suggesting Fetlife when looking for a kink partner, I can see why people would see it as a dating site. 

[Guest]

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[Eutierria]

Is there a list on AVEN explaining what counts as a kink ? I don't want to join FetLife - even the idea of it scares the heck out of me. 

 

Was talking with an aroace (I'm demiro ace) many months ago & they identified 2 ways I interact with potential partners as potential kinks. First one I thought was a gentle display of affection & second one I thought was being playful. I didn't actually believe them until another ace told me the same thing. 

[Guest]

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[Eutierria]

4 hours ago, Notaradish said:

@Eutierria

I generally define kinks as "unconventional attractions that may or may not be sexual in nature". Going by that definition, countless things could be kinks to people. Where one draws the line as to what's kinky vs what's not is a very subjective matter.

 

There are kink related youtube channels that might give you information. I know there's "Watts The Safeword", I don't watch them though and there's definitely other channels that talk about kink if you look.

 

On here you could try AVEN's search function, type in some key words related to your suspected kinks to see if anything has been mentioned. But idk how successful you'll be with that.

 

Unfortunately there's not a lot of expansive information out there on kinks other than fetlife. And especially if you want to find events and munches to connect with other kinksters, fet is the only reliable way I can think of.

Thanks for explaining. 

 

I don't want to meet people for stuff like this. It's how I show affection & be playful with potential partners. Feels too weird to even think about being intimately playful with people I don't know. Hard pass (but thanks for replying). 

[Guest]

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[Siimo van der fietspad]

I've been on a site for a particular kink (not Fetlife) and there are several asexual people on there other than me.  We just tend to stumble across each other. The overwhelming majority of members are very respectful of sexual and gender orientations and when I've met up with trustworthy individuals there has never been any pressure to engage in sexual activities whilst 'doing' our kink.

[Reindeer]

14 hours ago, Siimo van der fietspad said:

I've been on a site for a particular kink (not Fetlife) and there are several asexual people on there other than me.  We just tend to stumble across each other. The overwhelming majority of members are very respectful of sexual and gender orientations and when I've met up with trustworthy individuals there has never been any pressure to engage in sexual activities whilst 'doing' our kink.

What website