When is a good time to come out to a dating partner?

[rylovesbooks]

I'm a baby ace, but I think I've known for quite a while. I'm also, as of right now, quite sex-adverse (love it for others haha but the thought of me doing anything grosses me out), so my boundaries are quite tight and don't go past kissing at all. I've been talking to a few people on dating apps and such, and there is one in particular I think I'm really romantically interested in. Once I get back to my hometown from a long trip, we are planning on seeing each other. It's not too this point yet, but I want to be prepared... but when is a good time to come out as asexual? I feel it may be maybe kinda awkward to bring it up on the first date, especially because the vibes of this person isn't, ya know, super straight forward sexual, but what if it becomes relevant down the line. But I also don't want to get super attached to this person and then if they want to take the relationship past kissing having to stop them and then come out because what if they decide I can't meet their needs (which is valid of course) and I end up heart-broken and hurt. Basically, what is a good plan of action for making it clear sex is, at least for the long foreseeable future, off the table? When is the best time to bring this up?

 

I'm really scared because I'm really romantically/emotionally/intellectually attracted to them and could see myself being with them, and I'm honestly scared of getting hurt if they decide to end things because of sexual needs. To be clear, I think this is very valid and I'm sex-positive for people and understand that some allos really need to have sex in a relationship. But I also can't, right now, compromise in this area due to my current personal attitude towards sex. This is all hypothetical and hasn't even happened yet, but I thought my fellow sex-adverse asexuals could perhaps identify with this. Anyone have any advice for me?

[uhtred]

Earlier is better than later, but it is difficult to bring up.  It will turn away a number of potential partners, but much better to find out early rather than after there is already a strong emotional attachment.

 

There may be ways to bring it up in early conversations in an indirect way.   Talking about movies / videos,  and mention that you find all the intimacy off-putting.  That might get across the idea that you are not very interested in sex without getting into real specifics.

[Janus the Fox]

As soon as it is more serious is what I'd do.

[Morays]

I'd bring it up as soon as possible, ideally by the second date. I can understand using the first date to assess whether you think this prospect is worth pursuing at all, but once you've made the decision to date again, I think it needs to come up. It will be integral to your compatibility as potential partners, especially given that you're sex-averse. Since the vast majority of folks are sexual, they'll almost always naturally assume you are too, and the longer you wait to inform them otherwise, the more they may feel misled and frustrated.

 

The fact that you're talking on a dating app means that your intentions are clear, so as much as it may seem awkward to bring up sexuality when meeting, I think it's a really important thing to be straightforward about. It may be a dealbreaker for the other person, but if so, you'll have saved both them and yourself a lot of time and potential heartbreak down the line.

[nanogretchen4]

Since you are using a dating app, by far the most efficient course of action is to be clear in your profile that you are looking for a sex free romantic relationship. Then reiterate what you are looking for during online chat prior to a possible first in person date. If only one person out of a hundred on that mainstream dating app is looking for a sex free romantic relationship, does it make sense to date and reject 99 people? That would be a minor waste of time for each incompatible person you date, but a huge waste of your own time and an emotionally exhausting experience for you. It could also be very expensive. I really think your best bet is to screen out obviously incompatible people as early in the online phase as possible.

[Sally]

If you do intend to have a "date" with this person, it is only fair for BOTH of you to tell him immediately.  I say both of you because he is probably sexual -- most people are, and people on dating sites almost certainly are -- and your feeling about having sex is something that he deserves to know.   Telling him will be fair to you, because since there will be an expectation that sex will occur at some point if you continue seeing each other, he may become pretty upset if a relationship develops and he finds that he's devoted time and emotion to that relationship without being told a pretty important thing.  Especially if you already have some feelings for him, it wouldn't be pleasant to find that you've disappointed him.  

 

TLDR - waiting to tell someone just makes it worse when you do.   

[Blue eyes white dragon]

Probably as early as possible so you can know their stances regarding asexuality and if it's a deal breaker and so they aren't waiting for something that isn't going to happen. But do when you are safe and comfortable enough that you can get personal 

[Anomaly Q3Xr]

I have always been entirely upfront on dating sites and as soon as I converse with someone with the prospect of dating, that I am asexual. It saves wasting anyone's time.

[Guest]

If I was using a dating app I would write my sexual preferences or lack of in my profile, so anyone interested would know before they even contacted me. But I think, as others have said, that by the second date (or as early as possible) is best, before you get too attached. 

 

This is one of the reasons I don't like dating. I prefer to 'get to know' a person, become friends with them without having the formality of dating. When you're getting to know someone as a friend you can tell them anything about yourself and open up without the expectations that come with dating someone you hope to take things further with. 

[Sally]

NOW.   Whenever now is.  Don't waste your time or your dating partner's time.    

[ChipmunksBeCute]

Sooner is much better than later.  Sex talks are almost always awkward to bring up early in a relationship, but it will save you both a lot of time and potential heartbreak.  Procrastinating will only make it worse or even more awkward.  It might be worth some effort to lead into the conversation by asking views on other orientations, and let the conversation drift to you specifically.

 

You are never obligated to provide sex at any point.  But, it is not fair to them to hide it, especially if they assume sex will happen at some point.

[BeADreamer]

On 5/17/2022 at 7:30 PM, rylovesbooks said:

I'm a baby ace, but I think I've known for quite a while. I'm also, as of right now, quite sex-adverse (love it for others haha but the thought of me doing anything grosses me out), so my boundaries are quite tight and don't go past kissing at all. I've been talking to a few people on dating apps and such, and there is one in particular I think I'm really romantically interested in. Once I get back to my hometown from a long trip, we are planning on seeing each other. It's not too this point yet, but I want to be prepared... but when is a good time to come out as asexual? I feel it may be maybe kinda awkward to bring it up on the first date, especially because the vibes of this person isn't, ya know, super straight forward sexual, but what if it becomes relevant down the line. But I also don't want to get super attached to this person and then if they want to take the relationship past kissing having to stop them and then come out because what if they decide I can't meet their needs (which is valid of course) and I end up heart-broken and hurt. Basically, what is a good plan of action for making it clear sex is, at least for the long foreseeable future, off the table? When is the best time to bring this up?

 

I'm really scared because I'm really romantically/emotionally/intellectually attracted to them and could see myself being with them, and I'm honestly scared of getting hurt if they decide to end things because of sexual needs. To be clear, I think this is very valid and I'm sex-positive for people and understand that some allos really need to have sex in a relationship. But I also can't, right now, compromise in this area due to my current personal attitude towards sex. This is all hypothetical and hasn't even happened yet, but I thought my fellow sex-adverse asexuals could perhaps identify with this. Anyone have any advice for me?

Hi! I’m not sex-averse, more like sex indifferent. However, I AM in a relationship, and I thought maybe sharing my story might help you. I’m also on the aro-spectrum, but I wanted to test out having a relationship because having that type of companionship and cuddle partner really appealed to me. I also experience really mushy feelings when I see fictional characters fall in love, so I wanted to see if it was possible for me to feel that in real life (it’s definitely not the same feeling for me in real life though, even though I do love my partner). ANYWAY, I was set up on a (mostly) blind date. We agreed to see each other a few times after that, and then one day while we were watching a movie, he made the classic move of putting his arm around me. This was the first indication that this might actually develop into a deeper relationship, so that’s when I decided to come out to him as being ace and on the aro spectrum. I found out later that the people who had set us up had already told him that, but I thought that was a good time to tell him, and in hindsight, I think it still was. The relationship wasn’t so new that we weren’t sure it was going to go anywhere, but it also wasn’t so far in that he might have felt betrayed for finding out after he had already put in a significant emotional investment. And what happened after was that he asked me a lot of questions about it to find out if the things I was comfortable with doing were compatible with his needs. There was no judgement or anything, even though I was afraid it was going to make him mad or not want to see me anymore. We’ve been together for over a year now.

[nanogretchen4]

I'm glad that things have worked out well, but it sounds like actually your partner knew about your orientation prior to the first date and made an informed choice to try mixed orientation dating. Even though you did not know that your friends had outed you, the result is probably the same as if you had come out prior to the first date rather than at the point where he decided he wanted a deeper relationship.

[NHD]

I would tell that person as soon as they say they are interested and would like to pursue a relationship. If they find out when they feel it's too late, they might feel betrayed and loose interest. 

[Glenninindy]

I have gotten into a boat load of trouble by not telling them as soon as any sexual topic came on the table and was discussed. Even so, quite a few have still, after time, tried to get me interested in a sexual relationship. I mean after a looonnng time too. That is the most awkward part because then, they leave me, even if they still knew I was asexual since the start. It kills me when they do this betrayal. Please be careful of this on the surface acceptance bs. Especially if they show sexual interest toward others.