Do people take being polite as romantic?

[Reindeer]

Generally speaking I tend to be very polite. Which helps if say you work customer service/business/retail/cooperate world as everyone has to be polite. 

However, I have noticed this problem where people will become attracted to me very often when its not my intent. 

Since I am good at "Avoiding" conflict I am usually able to side step them till they get bored of the chase or I just pass them off to a single friend. 

 

I also had women come to be with the idea "You did all these nice things to me. Why would you do this if you were not doing it out of love"? 

In which case I was simply being very ethical and did not find how they were being treated fairly. I just did not like watching them get mistreated. 

I also have a hard time being anything aside from polite as I was raised in a rather strict household and manners and appearance meant everything. 

That meant a clean house, nice clothes, good manners and not doing anything stupid to bring shame upon my household. 

 

It also seems to be a thing that when two other sex people hang out it suddenly has a romantic context to it. I have a asexual pride flag and I was 

wondering if perhaps I should just start wearing it. As I am getting a little exhausted with side stepping love interests and I not sure how to casually bring up 

"Hey I not looking for romance. Also the kind of relationship I want you likely not into". 

 

 

 

[Lord Jade Cross]

Yes

 

Ironically since the term "nice guy/girl" tends to carry heavily negative connotations, yet it seems that politeness is associated with interest somehow. I dont think (well hope) that, that doesnt mean that people want to be treated like shit but it is paradoxically confusing for sure

[Reindeer]

2 minutes ago, Lord Jade Cross said:

Yes

 

Ironically since the term "nice guy/girl" tends to carry heavily negative connotations, yet it seems that politeness is associated with interest somehow. I dont think (well hope) that, that doesnt mean that people want to be treated like shit but it is paradoxically confusing for sure

Would there perhaps be a way to also convey that what I am doing is simply out of manners and Ethics? I find it hard trying to associate with others when I just end up with a crowd of love interests. 

[Lord Jade Cross]

Sometimes acting aloof will help, sometimes it will backfire. I personally tend to just stay away from others as much as possible

[Sister Mercurial]

I've certainly encountered plenty of men who assume normal civil conversation means a woman lusts after them.  Makes no sense to me: I just know it exists.  It annoys me as I don't relish telling them to F off, but often that's the only thing that makes them stop.  

[EmeraldIce]

56 minutes ago, Reindeer said:

I have a asexual pride flag and I was wondering if perhaps I should just start wearing it.

Honestly, I don't think the asexual pride flag is well-known enough (especially among non-asexuals) that wearing it would make any difference.

 

Yes, a lot of people do assume that there's got to be some sexual intention when the opposite sex wants to hang out. Girls are often taught that guys only want one thing, Guys who do fit the stereotype of just wanting one thing often project their own logic and sex drive onto others. Both mentalities ultimately lead to the assumption that anyone of the opposite sex who wants to spend time with them actually wants to be with them.

 

You don't have to be disrespectful. If they're open with their interest, just tell them that's never been your intent, and distance yourself if needed. You could also bring up very casually in conversation that you're asexual. Honestly, I don't understand why people would assume that you have romantic or sexual interests out of the blue.

 

If it helps, though, I can tell you of the times I felt someone was romantically interested in me, so you can know to avoid the same behavior. For the record, I don't have confirmation from any of these guys on whether or not they were actually interested. But here were things I personally interpreted as signs:

• Making a big deal out of seemingly insignificant commonalities: "You like tea? Omg so do I! We have sooooo much in common!"
• After a concert where we were performing together, one guy sought me out while I was talking to my family and full-on introduced himself to them.
• Asking to hang out on consecutive days or even in two days, especially if hanging out actually involves some effort—I would not, for example, interpret classmates hanging out between classes or coworkers grabbing lunch together to have any romantic intent behind it.
• (probably not relevant to you) Talking about what they've learned from previous relationships and what they're looking for in a future relationship.
• (probably not relevant to you) Not contacting me anymore once I confirmed a relationship with someone else.

In all of these cases (some were from the same person), I basically just refused to take hints and eventually they backed away. I'm still FB friends with these people.

 

Also, I know this will probably provoke outrage from Westerns who think it's ridiculous, but I'm Chinese and I find that one thing Chinese people tend to do is to avoid doing anything one-on-one with someone of the opposite sex that you're not interested in romantically or sexually.

[thylacine]

1 hour ago, Reindeer said:

Generally speaking I tend to be very polite. Which helps if say you work customer service/business/retail/cooperate world as everyone has to be polite. 

However, I have noticed this problem where people will become attracted to me very often when its not my intent. 

Since I am good at "Avoiding" conflict I am usually able to side step them till they get bored of the chase or I just pass them off to a single friend. 

 

I also had women come to be with the idea "You did all these nice things to me. Why would you do this if you were not doing it out of love"? 

In which case I was simply being very ethical and did not find how they were being treated fairly. I just did not like watching them get mistreated. 

I also have a hard time being anything aside from polite as I was raised in a rather strict household and manners and appearance meant everything. 

That meant a clean house, nice clothes, good manners and not doing anything stupid to bring shame upon my household. 

 

It also seems to be a thing that when two other sex people hang out it suddenly has a romantic context to it. I have a asexual pride flag and I was 

wondering if perhaps I should just start wearing it. As I am getting a little exhausted with side stepping love interests and I not sure how to casually bring up 

"Hey I not looking for romance. Also the kind of relationship I want you likely not into". 

 

 

 

There is certainly nothing wrong with being polite.  I wish more people were polite.

 

Some people, both men and women, think you're interested in them if you're nice to them.  Guys have done this to me after my being nice to them.  I come away feeling like you can't be nice to some people, sheesh.

 

Of course two people hanging out doesn't always mean romance, but that's how society is.  It's all messed up, huh?

[Thujaplicata]

Similar experiences for me too. I really hate how friendly interaction is considered flirtation at what seems like random times. I tend to get really excited in conversations sometimes so I'll lean in a little, get a little more animated, whatever. Later I find out that was interpreted as flirting. I hate it so much. Nowadays I casually slip in a reference to my girlfriend if I start to worry someone is interested or thinks I'm flirting. In your case, you could say something about your complete lack of interest? That's harder to slip in though. 

 

Yes, it is assumed so many times (especially in sitcoms or reality shows as my sister tells me) that a guy and a girl cannot be platonic friends. There will be a romantic aspect to it at some point. 

 

In real life? Well, I know some people pull it off, but I honestly tend to avoid spending that much time alone with men of my age that I'll see again. (I'll chat with strangers on the bus though. Cause I'll almost certainly never see them again.)

[Sally]

No, being polite doesn't mean being romantic. 

 

But in your post you conflated two things -- being polite and doing nice things.  Perhaps a man doing nice things for a female customer might lead her to think that he has more than "customer service" feelings for her, but that would probably be only if he also behaved in certain ways.  It could also mean that the woman's experience tells her that most men don't do nice things, especially in a professional service setting, so it causes her to think that THIS particular man has special feelings for her.   

[MarRister]

Also it might not be conflated as flirting at all, but in being nice to others, people are going to generally like that quality in a person. Just because someone likes you doesn't necessarily mean they think you were being flirtatious/romantic, they just like you. 

 

I would say don't bother side stepping. Tell them straight up, or just find ways to integrate into the conversation that you are ace, not looking for typical relationships, whatever. It can be awkward, but it saves you time and headaches. 

[Lord Jade Cross]

3 hours ago, Sally said:

No, being polite doesn't mean being romantic. 

 

But in your post you conflated two things -- being polite and doing nice things.  Perhaps a man doing nice things for a female customer might lead her to think that he has more than "customer service" feelings for her, but that would probably be only if he also behaved in certain ways.  It could also mean that the woman's experience tells her that most men don't do nice things, especially in a professional service setting, so it causes her to think that THIS particular man has special feelings for her.   

Im going to go on a limb here (of sorts) and say that most people dont seem to understand that in the customer service industry, perhaps above any other, we are paid to be nice, to give compliments, to praise anything they say "Oh really, you did (generic thing anyone can do)? wow, you must be pretty smart, athleic. Oh that hat or those shoes are wondeful, where did you get them?" Its part of the job description.

 

Its what drives sales and what we get told to do over and over and over again. Every "team meeting" is the same BS. Smile (I worked for a company that penalized you if you didnt smile), tell the customer what a great purchase they made, offer them something to compliment their attire, offer them a coffee or bottled water, offer to carry their bags, invite them to come back, tell them you will have a discount for them on their next purchase (this was especially taxing on your check, because every "discount" you gave, came out of your commision) etc

 

Of course, this inadvertly tends to end up in people treating you like shit and expecting you to take it, and most of the time you have no choice but to do it because you can be 100% in the right and you will always be wrong againts the word of a customer.

 

You ask us after shift and we can tell you horror stories and customers we would rather punch their faces in than listen to their shit again. Some of us risk it and every once in a while tell a customer to (politely) fuck off. Or we become very good at being petty but not overly showing showing it. Just enough to let the customer know that they are a piece of shit that should go die in a ditch somewhere and spare us having to be ego stroking them because their "feelings" (overly inflated sense of ego and entitlement more like it) got "hurt"

 

Theres a reason customer service rep is one of the worst types of jobs in the world and the longer you work in it, the more it affects you. It can either break you, make you cynical, develop intense animosity for people in general, etc.

 

Very few are the cases where someone genuinly enjoys this type of work in my experience, so a woman (since it was the example mentioned here) should never expect or think that a customer service rep has any special feelings for her just because hes doing nice things.

 

Same thing applies at men. Depending on the company and its policies, girls can go in low cut dresses, they can be flirty, a bit of touch here and there, etc. No different than with women, a man should not think that just because the girl at the shop is being nice to him, that shes interested in a romantic way

 

 

[Janus the Fox]

Politenesses isn’t really romantic attraction or interest to me.  You’re doing a job, a job that necessitates a good attitudes, politeness or a smile for the customers.  I could only guess that some customers take there’s a bit too far and inappropriate.

[Geekykitty]

On 5/18/2022 at 8:54 AM, Reindeer said:

Generally speaking I tend to be very polite. Which helps if say you work customer service/business/retail/cooperate world as everyone has to be polite. 

However, I have noticed this problem where people will become attracted to me very often when its not my intent. 

I guess you can't stop someone becoming attracted to you, but the other person shouldn't assume you are also attracted to them just because you're being friendly and polite.

I worked in customer service and had a weird customer get a bit stalkerish with me. I served him politely but was not overly friendly or going out of my way to talk to him or anything. He kept asking me out all the time even though I said I wasn't interested and refused. Really I think some people just get carried away with what they imagine is there. If he felt attraction to me then fine. But he should have been able to see that I wasn't interested and move on. Thats where the problem is, the assumption people make that their feelings are automatically reciprocated. I don't know why people can't be more rational. Just because a person is polite or friendly doesn't mean they're interested romantically. I think some people just get carried away with their imagination and create something that isn't there.

[Reindeer]

On 5/20/2022 at 5:21 AM, Geekykitty said:

I guess you can't stop someone becoming attracted to you, but the other person shouldn't assume you are also attracted to them just because you're being friendly and polite.

I worked in customer service and had a weird customer get a bit stalkerish with me. I served him politely but was not overly friendly or going out of my way to talk to him or anything. He kept asking me out all the time even though I said I wasn't interested and refused. Really I think some people just get carried away with what they imagine is there. If he felt attraction to me then fine. But he should have been able to see that I wasn't interested and move on. Thats where the problem is, the assumption people make that their feelings are automatically reciprocated. I don't know why people can't be more rational. Just because a person is polite or friendly doesn't mean they're interested romantically. I think some people just get carried away with their imagination and create something that isn't there.

I mean customers were never an issue. You can get rid of customers. Its simply everyone else. 

[Geekykitty]

1 hour ago, Reindeer said:

mean customers were never an issue. You can get rid of customers. Its simply everyone else

Actually it became a big issue. I couldn't just "get rid of" this customer. I felt I had to keep being polite to him because he was a "customer." I couldn't just yell "leave me the f* alone you crazy psycho!" 😝 He became very weird and stalkerish and my boss was concerned and moved me to another workplace, even though I would have preferred to stay where I was. So yeah this stupid guy stuffed my work life up for me. And once again the victim of harassment is punished while the perpetrator gets away with it 😡

[JordanT]

I've definitely had issues where being friendly towards male friends/coworkers ends of getting conflated with flirting or romantic interest, and they start trying to flirt with me which is really uncomfortable. I'm a little gun-shy with making friends with guys because I've had so many negative experiences with sexual harassment.  I try my best to give people the benefit of the doubt and not misread situations, but having guys give me constant compliments about my appearance makes me really uncomfortable, and some times they refuse to stop when I ask.

[Calliers]

I would say for women yes, for men no. If a woman is nice to a guy, they tend to get their hopes up pretty easily. If I as a guy am just polite and nice to a woman, usually the worst that can happen is that the woman and I become friends. At least in my experience. These days I don't really meet new people as much so it isn't a problem. But the fact remains, most women, at least very pretty women who consider themselves in the big leagues don't like nice guys. Nice guys are perceived as weak by women. For the most part they like two kinds of guys, rich guys, and guys who treat them like crap/ignore their advances.

[Phalena]

13 minutes ago, Calliers said:

I would say for women yes, for men no. If a woman is nice to a guy, they tend to get their hopes up pretty easily. If I as a guy am just polite and nice to a woman, usually the worst that can happen is that the woman and I become friends. At least in my experience. These days I don't really meet new people as much so it isn't a problem. But the fact remains, most women, at least very pretty women who consider themselves in the big leagues don't like nice guys. Nice guys are perceived as weak by women. For the most part they like two kinds of guys, rich guys, and guys who treat them like crap/ignore their advances.

Woah, woah, woah. You ain't turning NiceGuy(TM) there, are you?!

[Calliers]

15 minutes ago, Phalena said:

Woah, woah, woah. You ain't turning NiceGuy(TM) there, are you?!

Huh? Nah, I mean that is just the bulk of very beautiful women -----> men relationships. There are a lot of other nuances and it is actually all very complex.

 

For example, as a guy, you can find a drop dead gorgeous woman who finds you attractive, even if you're just so-so looking yourself. In the same way you can find a woman who isn't all that hot who doesn't like you at all. And vice versa as well as everything in between.

 

They don't say nice guys finish last for nothing you know.

 

My advice to men is just try to go on as many dates as you can, you'll eventually find someone for you.

[Guest]

@CalliersLook up the meaning of “nice guy”. It can mean different things.

[Calliers]

2 minutes ago, Guybrush Threepwood said:

@CalliersLook up the meaning of “nice guy”. It can mean different things.

Oh, I mean nice guy in the usual sense. The one that no one wants to be associated with as a guy.

[J. van Deijck]

From my experience, it's very much possible to be both nice and respected. I have people like that in my surroundings. 

 

Just sayin'.

[Calliers]

2 minutes ago, alsjeblieft said:

From my experience, it's very much possible to be both nice and respected. I have people like that in my surroundings. 

 

Just sayin'.

Wow people, when did I say you can't be nice and still be attractive? Like where?

 

All I'm saying is what the norm is. And whether or not you like it I'm spittin' straight fax here. This is one of those topics that no one really likes to talk about but personally I call a spade a spade. I tell it like it is.

[MarRister]

8 hours ago, Calliers said:

But the fact remains, most women, at least very pretty women who consider themselves in the big leagues don't like nice guys. Nice guys are perceived as weak by women. For the most part they like two kinds of guys, rich guys, and guys who treat them like crap/ignore their advances.

I really don't think this is a fact. Nice is never a negative trait. What is often perceived negatively though is a lack of self confidence or assertiveness or ambition or many other positively viewed traits. Those qualities have nothing to do with being nice though and can very much co-exist or not. What is also negatively perceived by women is when so called 'nice guys' think they deserve to be rewarded with relationships with women solely because they are 'nice'. Doesn't sound very nice to me personally. 

 

I really detest this weird stereotype that all women care about is money or men who are assholes to them. It is bonkers to me and definitely not grounded in reality. There are people who are more interested in money and status, sure, but there are many more that are not interested in that, or it falls far below their other priorities in a relationship. I find most women I know, many of whom are very beautiful, care so much more about kindness, compassion, empathy, emotional openness, than money...or being treated like crap (I don't think anyone looks for this, but some people may fall into patterns due to their life history where they are more susceptible to having relationships with people who don't treat them as they should be treated).

[Lord Jade Cross]

9 hours ago, Calliers said:

I would say for women yes, for men no. If a woman is nice to a guy, they tend to get their hopes up pretty easily. If I as a guy am just polite and nice to a woman, usually the worst that can happen is that the woman and I become friends. At least in my experience.

In a retail setting, I can see this more or less being the norm. Outside of it, from what I have seen, there seems to be a bit of a difference; granted its not with every woman.

 

Maybe I see it in a different light because several times, a girl has shown interest in me simply because Im polite, even though I dont do anything that I believe should state "Im interested in you" which is why I always try to keep my distance, especially if I feel that she is getting too close, and especially if shes doing it quickly. 

 

The other reason is that people have tried setting me up with girls because (again) I was polite and somehow that made them think I was interested but too shy to break the ice. 

 

Overall, I have found the most effective method to avoid any posible misunderstandings is simply to just stay away as much as possible and having as little interaction as possible

[doggalogga]

It hasn't worked for me much...

I am very polite and nice to most people. Even people I don't particularly like comment that I'm friendly to everybody...

I have never had the experience that 'being nice = romantic interest', but that doesn't discount the notion either

Some people are simply interested in nice people. Perhaps they've come from bad relationships and know they want somebody with manners, courtesy, and kindness.

 

I think it's great that there's a reward for kindness and manners.

Mind you, some people like the macho douchebag that belittles others, because it apparently means confidence (which I disagree with, profusely. That sort of behaviour only screams insecurity)

 

Nothing wrong with telling people that you're not interested in anything sexual. I am at the point where that's actually what I will do, based on my past experience.

[Calliers]

10 hours ago, MarRister said:

I really don't think this is a fact. Nice is never a negative trait. What is often perceived negatively though is a lack of self confidence or assertiveness or ambition or many other positively viewed traits. Those qualities have nothing to do with being nice though and can very much co-exist or not. What is also negatively perceived by women is when so called 'nice guys' think they deserve to be rewarded with relationships with women solely because they are 'nice'. Doesn't sound very nice to me personally. 

 

I really detest this weird stereotype that all women care about is money or men who are assholes to them. It is bonkers to me and definitely not grounded in reality. There are people who are more interested in money and status, sure, but there are many more that are not interested in that, or it falls far below their other priorities in a relationship. I find most women I know, many of whom are very beautiful, care so much more about kindness, compassion, empathy, emotional openness, than money...or being treated like crap (I don't think anyone looks for this, but some people may fall into patterns due to their life history where they are more susceptible to having relationships with people who don't treat them as they should be treated).

Of course that is why nice guys finish last and women go for assholes mostly. Who likes being treated badly? No one. What most people don't realize is assholes tend to have the positive attributes you have described like confidence and assertiveness as well as the fact that a lot of them can be very romantic, they open doors for their women, they remember important dates and do something special on them, they buy flowers, this is the true reason women choose assholes over nice guys a lot of the time.

 

Then nice guys wonder why they've been left out in the cold and get kind of rubbed the wrong way after a time.

 

Also some women take a guy being nice as him trying to get in her pants and distrust anything he says. They believe that nice guys are manipulative (which could, or could not be true).

 

As for rich guys, heck even poor guys want to be with a rich girl.... it is tempting because having money has this magical belief surrounding it that if you have enough all your problems will just "go away". As someone who has dated a few girls who came from millionaire families I know this from personal experience, all your friends tell you "just marry her - you'll be set for life!" even though I wasn't happy in these relationships so I eventually ended them.

 

For any man that wants to test the rich theory out there is a very simple thing you can do that will only cost you a couple bucks. Buy a key fob, doesn't even have to be real, just has to look like the real thing, of any of the luxury cars, BMW, Mercedes Benz, anything like that. Then go to the bar and simply place it on the counter in front of you. Then simply wait.... 

 

@MarRister

[Sister Mercurial]

12 hours ago, MarRister said:

Nice is never a negative trait. What is often perceived negatively though is a lack of self confidence or assertiveness or ambition or many other positively viewed traits. Those qualities have nothing to do with being nice though and can very much co-exist or not. What is also negatively perceived by women is when so called 'nice guys' think they deserve to be rewarded with relationships with women solely because they are 'nice'. Doesn't sound very nice to me personally. 

 

2 hours ago, Calliers said:

Also some women take a guy being nice as him trying to get in her pants and distrust anything he says. They believe that nice guys are manipulative (which could, or could not be true).

My two penn'orth on this: acting nice out of ulterior motives is a form of manipulation.  It's just more obvious that the endgame is seduction when the more confident guys do it.  So a woman who accepts attempts to sweep her off her feet from a confident guy knows he wants to get her into bed, but has some sort of reason for wanting to go along with it (e.g. she thinks he's hot).  Whereas the typical self-described "Nice Guy" acts like he cares about a woman as a person, when really he's putting on an act because he too just wants to get her into bed.  So his approach is essentially dishonest as regards his intentions.  

[Calliers]

5 minutes ago, Sister Mercurial said:

 

My two penn'orth on this: acting nice out of ulterior motives is a form of manipulation.  It's just more obvious that the endgame is seduction when the more confident guys do it.  So a woman who accepts attempts to sweep her off her feet from a confident guy knows he wants to get her into bed, but has some sort of reason for wanting to go along with it (e.g. she thinks he's hot).  Whereas a the typical self-described "Nice Guy" acts like he cares about a woman as a person, when really he's putting on an act because he too just wants to get her into bed.  So his approach is essentially dishonest as regards his intentions.  

^This.

[MarRister]

6 hours ago, Calliers said:

Of course that is why nice guys finish last and women go for assholes mostly. Who likes being treated badly? No one. What most people don't realize is assholes tend to have the positive attributes you have described like confidence and assertiveness as well as the fact that a lot of them can be very romantic, they open doors for their women, they remember important dates and do something special on them, they buy flowers, this is the true reason women choose assholes over nice guys a lot of the time.

 

Then nice guys wonder why they've been left out in the cold and get kind of rubbed the wrong way after a time.

 

4 hours ago, Calliers said:

4 hours ago, Sister Mercurial said:

 

My two penn'orth on this: acting nice out of ulterior motives is a form of manipulation.  It's just more obvious that the endgame is seduction when the more confident guys do it.  So a woman who accepts attempts to sweep her off her feet from a confident guy knows he wants to get her into bed, but has some sort of reason for wanting to go along with it (e.g. she thinks he's hot).  Whereas a the typical self-described "Nice Guy" acts like he cares about a woman as a person, when really he's putting on an act because he too just wants to get her into bed.  So his approach is essentially dishonest as regards his intentions.  

^This.

Hate to break it to you, but using being nice as a form of manipulation is an asshole thing to do. In this case the self prescribed 'nice guy' is finishing last, not because he is nice, but because he is an asshole. 

 

Yeah sure some assholes may have other positive traits that can combat some of their asshole nature to make them more desirable. But those positive traits can also exist in nice people, these things are not mutually exclusive. Someone who boils down their whole person to one characteristic of 'nice guy' maybe needs to do some more self reflection on why people don't like them as opposed to blaming all women for "only going after assholes" as nice as it may feel to push the blame elsewhere. No one is entitled to anyone else's affection, I don't care how nice anyone is in that regard. If so called 'nice guys' are getting so upset that women don't like them that they blame all women for their shortcomings, they need to take a real hard look in the mirror. They might not be as nice as they think they are. 

 

6 hours ago, Calliers said:

For any man that wants to test the rich theory out there is a very simple thing you can do that will only cost you a couple bucks. Buy a key fob, doesn't even have to be real, just has to look like the real thing, of any of the luxury cars, BMW, Mercedes Benz, anything like that. Then go to the bar and simply place it on the counter in front of you. Then simply wait....

🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️