My partner is asexual please help

[Jess28]

Hey everyone,

 

I just found this forum and it’s been helpful to read other’s experiences but I haven’t found anything that relates specifically to my situation.

My partner and I have known each other for over 15 years, met when we were 13. I’m a cis lesbian woman and my partner is an afab non-binary asexual person. We were best friends until a few years ago when we decided to try a romantic relationship. We attempted to have sex a couple of times but it was so obvious that they weren’t into it that I would just feel guilty that they were doing that for me. So we dropped that and have kind of been in between relationship statuses for a couple of years now. I had thought that I could live with us just being friends and nothing more but we recently moved in together.

 

Now that we’re spending so much time together I’ve realized that I need that romantic, intimate connection that would usually come with a relationship like ours. I’ve expressed this need to them and they’ve been trying to satisfy that need for me (we haven’t tried sex again, just cuddling and a little kissing). We have very blunt conversations about my feeling a lot to try to make this work for us. But this is where the issues come in.

 

They can never seem to tell me how they actually feel about me. I’ve been more open and vulnerable than I even knew I was capable of and I just don’t get that in return. They are autistic and I’m sure that contributes to not being able to just tell me how they’re feeling but I can’t help but feel that they’re kind of hiding from me. They’ve never told me that they are aromatic but I suspect that since every time I’ve asked if they have romantic feelings towards me they just say “I don’t know”. And I don’t know how to deal with that. It deeply hurts to know that they’re not physically attracted to me but I could live with that if I knew that they were romantically attracted to me. I desperately want the intimacy that comes with a romantic relationship but they say they don’t know how to give that to me and every time they try, I can feel the lack of desire. I’m so depressed over this whole situation and don’t know what to do. We don’t have the money to go into therapy and with their lack of understanding of their own emotions I don’t even know if therapy would help. 

 

For more context, this is the only long term relationship either of us have had. I don’t feel like I could handle an open relationship, even though they’ve said they would be fine with it, because I wouldn’t want to have sex with someone I’m not romantically involved with and I can’t see myself having the energy to maintain my current relationship and a new one. Any advice or insight would be super appreciated.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @Jess28
That's honestly a tough situation. It's possible they genuinely don't know how they feel. And romantic feelings can't be forced, so seems like you don't have many options, either you take the time it needs (which may be never) in hopes that their feelings for you match yours, appreciating the bond you do have with them, or open the relationship or break up if it's not fulfilling you. Sometimes feelings can be complex and it might not even be that they're aro (though they might be aro-spec), but might not feel quite like you do, and either way it's their path on that to find where they fit when it comes to relationships. Have you thought of pulling back to friendship for now since it's causing you distress? Of course their feelings matter to so I hope whatever choice you make that they can feel ok on their side.

tdlr, In the end it's only you who can know whether you feel fulfilled enough. You can't control how they feel so you have to decide what's worth for you.

[uhtred]

This is a unfortunately common problem and you will get a lot of comments.

 

Its extremely difficult, I think only people who have experienced this sort so thing really understand how difficult it is  (not saying others shouldn't comment).  I've been married to a nearly asexual woman for >30 years. It extremely difficult and never gets better.

 

I think sexual compatibility is essential to a happy relationship. Everything else can be perfect and a sexual mismatch can still make one or both people miserable.

 

I think the best plan is to have a completely open / honest talk with your partner. Find out what romance and sex mean to each of you. See if there is a way you can both be happy.   It you do find a way, that is great, but if not, its on one's fault ,but there is no point maintaining a reliationship that isn't making both people happy.

 

feel free to PM

 

[BeADreamer]

From what you’ve written about your relationship, it sounds to me like you and your partner aren’t on the same page. Clearly you need something that your partner isn’t comfortable or willing to give. And it’s taking a toll on you. It’s obviously easier for me to say this than for you to think about it since you’ve been together so long, but is a romantic relationship the right type of relationship for you two? You and your partner BOTH seem uncomfortable here, you because you aren’t getting the things you’d need in an intimate relationship (emotionally and/or physically), and your partner because they don’t seem to be comfortable doing the things they would need to do to keep you happy. So either you’ll be miserable for not getting what you need, or your partner will be miserable for trying to make themselves do things they’re not necessarily comfortable with. It might be a good idea to stop trying to pursue romance with this person. This doesn’t mean you can’t still be friends - you could even look into options such as a queerplatonic relationship. That way you might still be able to have a close relationship with this person, but it doesn’t have to be romantically/sexually intimate. And then you can go find a partner who can give you what you need in an intimate relationship.
 

Just so you can know my potential biases, I’m a gray-aromantic ace in a romantic/sexual relationship, but I’m comfortable engaging in activities that fall under those categories. I also love my partner, but without having romantic feelings for him. We communicate a lot about it. However in my case, I’m comfortable - even enjoy - doing the most of the things that he needs from an intimate partner. I have a hard time being vulnerable as well, but that’s something your partner has to decide they want to work on because opening up has to be on their terms. Personally, I’m trying to get better at letting my guard down around my partner for certain topics, but that’s a decision I made.