What is Romantic Attraction?

[vaguelyyetpowerfullygay]

I’m trying to figure out if I may be somewhere on the aromantic spectrum but I’m not sure because I genuinely don’t know if I’ve ever felt romantic attraction before. I’ve tried to have my friend explain the feeling to me but it still feels elusive. The best explanation I was able to get was that being in love is like feeling comfortable enough with someone that you can totally let your walls down around them. I’d love to have that with someone but I have no idea where I would even begin. The only time my walls come down is when I’m by myself.

 

I think I may have felt something for a friend of mine in college, but I wouldn’t even let myself consider the possibility at the time because he was my best friend’s ex. Then I found out about some abusive shit he pulled and I cut ties with him and killed any feelings I may have had for him (platonic or otherwise). I know that I liked being around him and I cared about him a lot and found him attractive. I looked forward to seeing him and felt at least somewhat comfortable with him. But it’s hard to even think about it now because I hate him so much. I don’t know how I would get back there with someone.

 

To complicate matters even more, I’m autistic, so relationships in general have always been difficult for me. I’ve always had trouble understanding my feelings for others and opening up to them because I can only ever relax when I’m alone. Every date I’ve ever been on, I end up masking so hard that I barely recognize the person I become during the date. I’ve identified somewhat with the label demiromantic but how do you go about finding a partner when your whole dating pool is just your friends?

 

How do people identify romantic attraction? What does it feel like? How does it happen? How do you know you’re starting to develop feelings for someone?

[Deltalorian]

Hi! I'm also autistic and had my first ever crush fairly recently, the way I identified it was two main things: the butterfly feeling everyone talks about? Butterflies are a tad bit of an understatement. Whenever you think about your crush, your heart may race and you may feel warm and good, but by God get ready for your stomach to tear itself to shreds the first few times you think about them when you have the crush on them. Secondly, think about things you don't do with friends that you find romantic i.e. hand holding for me. When I pictured us hand holding, my heart raced and I instantly felt very happy and fuzzy. Beware of the stomach though, as again, the first few times you think of them with a crush on them it's going to physically destroy you. That's from my very limited experience, though, so take it with a grain of salt.

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Romantic attraction doesn't have to the most impactful like a crush. Sometimes it's just that you come to like them a lot and want to be closer, and it breaches the line of friendship, feeling like going beyond just friends. That closeness usually means more intimacy. More feelings and gestures of affection, and more physical closeness too for someone sensual. Doing things with them that you wouldn't with a friend, or at a greater level. The feelings of love come up a lot more.

 

I think not feelings comfortable around a date is normal, and really it might even take months before someone feels completely comfortable with them. It depends how much openness there is between. The more open and being able to talk and be understanding there is of each other, the more it feels safe and like you're loved and don't have to 'try' as much.

 

Ideal is to find someone you feel good with. If you really like them then it'll also feel good to become closer together.

 

 

[vaguelyyetpowerfullygay]

49 minutes ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

Romantic attraction doesn't have to the most impactful like a crush. Sometimes it's just that you come to like them a lot and want to be closer, and it breaches the line of friendship, feeling like going beyond just friends. That closeness usually means more intimacy. More feelings and gestures of affection, and more physical closeness too for someone sensual. Doing things with them that you wouldn't with a friend, or at a greater level. The feelings of love come up a lot more.

 

I think not feelings comfortable around a date is normal, and really it might even take months before someone feels completely comfortable with them. It depends how much openness there is between. The more open and being able to talk and be understanding there is of each other, the more it feels safe and like you're loved and don't have to 'try' as much.

 

Ideal is to find someone you feel good with. If you really like them then it'll also feel good to become closer together.

 

 

But I guess how do you become comfortable with them? I know people say it takes time but if I’m not comfortable in the beginning how do I motivate myself to go back for a second date?

[Sarah-Sylvia]

13 minutes ago, vaguelyyetpowerfullygay said:

But I guess how do you become comfortable with them? I know people say it takes time but if I’m not comfortable in the beginning how do I motivate myself to go back for a second date?

That's an interesting question. I guess usually it's the hope and aim for becoming closer, forming a bond. (and that bond does help things along)
In my experience, it can take time with anyone for barriers to go down and to feel more comfortable. There's exceptions and some people are very good at being more raw with people, but like in my case I have social anxiety so it doesn't come from the start for sure. Sometimes it helps to talk about concerns or the feelings that make us feel like it's hard to be ourselves. If they can help reassure and put off some of the pressure, then you know they might be more compatible than someone who adds on pressure, in example.

I think one important thing to remember is that it 'should' be ok to be ourselves. If someone doesn't come to accept or like us for who we are, then it might not be right for a relationship, so what I'm saying is that knowing it should be ok can maybe be a thought to remind that we don't have to try too hard, if someone isn't a good partner for us then so be it. It does take a bit of self respect to think that way, and I still have more to work on around that. Finding someone that's understanding really helps a lot 😊

[vaguelyyetpowerfullygay]

1 hour ago, Deltalorian said:

Hi! I'm also autistic and had my first ever crush fairly recently, the way I identified it was two main things: the butterfly feeling everyone talks about? Butterflies are a tad bit of an understatement. Whenever you think about your crush, your heart may race and you may feel warm and good, but by God get ready for your stomach to tear itself to shreds the first few times you think about them when you have the crush on them. Secondly, think about things you don't do with friends that you find romantic i.e. hand holding for me. When I pictured us hand holding, my heart raced and I instantly felt very happy and fuzzy. Beware of the stomach though, as again, the first few times you think of them with a crush on them it's going to physically destroy you. That's from my very limited experience, though, so take it with a grain of salt.

What do you think it would mean if thinking about those things (holding hands, etc.) makes you feel more scared than happy? Like thinking about that with certain people makes me feel vulnerable afraid that I’m losing control of my situation. I think that’s one of the things that scares me most about dating: that feeling of having no control.

[Deltalorian]

7 hours ago, vaguelyyetpowerfullygay said:

What do you think it would mean if thinking about those things (holding hands, etc.) makes you feel more scared than happy? Like thinking about that with certain people makes me feel vulnerable afraid that I’m losing control of my situation. I think that’s one of the things that scares me most about dating: that feeling of having no control.

If you feel like dating a certain kind of person would mean you lose control of what you do, don't date that person. I think it's okay to be vulnerable in a relationship - if you trust a person enough to talk about your insecurities to them and they prove that they can be trusted in this way by supporting you and not telling anyone else about it, that's great. However, if you don't that trust person that much, then you probably shouldn't date that person. Dating is about figuring out what you need from a person and what you can offer them emotionally! You can take as much time as you need before you even start, and it's not selfish to stop dating a person because you think that it's having a negative impact on your mental health!

[vaguelyyetpowerfullygay]

12 hours ago, Deltalorian said:

If you feel like dating a certain kind of person would mean you lose control of what you do, don't date that person. I think it's okay to be vulnerable in a relationship - if you trust a person enough to talk about your insecurities to them and they prove that they can be trusted in this way by supporting you and not telling anyone else about it, that's great. However, if you don't that trust person that much, then you probably shouldn't date that person. Dating is about figuring out what you need from a person and what you can offer them emotionally! You can take as much time as you need before you even start, and it's not selfish to stop dating a person because you think that it's having a negative impact on your mental health!

I don’t think it’s so much person-specific as the very idea of romantic intimacy scares me. Like friendship feels safe because I know what it is and I know how to navigate it (for the most part). Romance just feels like such an unknown where anything could happen. It’s not that I’m afraid of the person taking my autonomy away or trying to control me, it’s just that I dislike scenarios where I don’t know what’s going to happen and I can’t adjust my behavior accordingly. Like what if I date someone and they decide they don’t like me or I lose interest and stop liking them? What if I get into a relationship and realize it’s not actually what I want and ending it involves hurting the other person?

[banana monkey]

14 minutes ago, vaguelyyetpowerfullygay said:

Like what if I date someone and they decide they don’t like me or I lose interest and stop liking them? What if I get into a relationship and realize it’s not actually what I want and ending it involves hurting the other person?

Ok, so these are both things I thought about before I started my first relationship. I'm probably demiromantic so I dont really date in the way you are thinking of, but still I worried that I may lose interest or that ending it may hurt the person. In the end, it was a case of, the feelings are there and wont go away unless I know how they feel, and its worth the risk of trying, so yes those things may happen (and both of them did) but if I dont try I wont know and if I dont take that risk I will always be wondering and unable to get over my feelings. Basically you weigh the strength of your feelings over the risk. If the strength of feeling, doesnt outweigh the risk fine, take that choice (given that you will probably be most comfortable with it). 

[steel_quill]

On 5/16/2022 at 3:31 PM, vaguelyyetpowerfullygay said:

How do people identify romantic attraction?

Caveat with: I can't definitively say that I've ever experienced romantic attraction before, but these are some of the traits of romantic attraction that I've read about on this site and others:

• Feeling jealous when your crush shows more interest in someone else (related to possessiveness)
• Desire to "merge" identities with the crush (I guess like "you tell me everything, and I'll tell you everything"?)
• Desire for an explicitly-labelled "romantic" relationship (i.e., not being satisfied with staying "friends" or "really good friends" or something similar)
• Desire for long-term commitment, especially to spend forever with that person

There's also this older thread that discusses various people's experiences with romanticism, aromanticism, and the gray-romantic spectrum: