Emotions are so confusing! (Crushes vs squishes)

[blackcat11]

So I'm sure this has been asked a million times and I've already read some answers to similar questions, but there are some things I'm always confused about between crushes and squishes. Mainly, a lot of people seem to answer with questions like, do you want to kiss them? Do you want to cuddle? Do you want to be in a romantic relationship with them?

 

Here's my difficulties with that:

 

I don't like kissing. Anyone. I find it gross. I don't even like family members kissing me on the cheek. I'm demi-sexual, and I have had exactly one person in my life who I was romantically attracted to enough that I somehow did magically want to kiss them for a while, but that was looong after I'd already decided I was romantically attracted and we'd been dating.

 

Cuddling with people is complicated for me. I like the idea of it. In practice I often find it uncomfortable. I really like hugs, but it's very context-dependant. I tend to hug people in hug-friendly spaces like my theatre friends, and not outside them. I have to feel like I am certain that the hug is socially acceptable, wanted, and not creating awkward expectations. (I won't get into the history of where I think this last bit comes from.)

 

I have no real understanding of the difference between a romantic relationship and a really close friendship. I've had friends who I spend so much time with and know so much about that people thought we were dating, but we weren't. In an asexual context, the only difference that I can pinpoint is having a conversation about calling what we're doing a romantic relationship.

 

That having been said, there IS a definite and distinct difference between how I feel towards specific people at times, and what I feel towards many others of even my closest friends. It's very similar to what people talk about with crushes - nervous/excited/awkward around them, want to be with them all the time, think about them a lot when they're not around (especially if I've seen them recently), raised heartbeat, all that sort of stuff. So I guess I am wondering - CAN that still  be a squish? Can you have the intensity of a crush and want a friendship that has the intensity and connection of a relationship, and still have it be a squish? Is that what a squish is, or am I just avoiding calling romance romance because I don't want it to be romantic for various reasons? Prior to knowing about asexuality I always called these crushes. Since finding out about asexuality...gosh, ten years ago, I've only had it happen a couple times, and it's always been confusing. I am also worried about finding the line where what I am asking for is romance rather than friendship so that I can avoid stepping over it, or at least be making an informed decision to do so.

 

Thank you all for your insight!

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @blackcat11

 

Some squishes might feel quite strong, if someone puts a lot into their friendships. Personally I don't think I've ever had a squish, though obviously friends matter. I have sensuality for a love language so for me when I feel romantic I do want to feel close physically. If you know what youre love language are you can maybe ask yourself what in that counts as higher amount of intimacy, that you wouldn't share with family and friends. Might give some ideas. *shrug*

 

I've seen a lot of threads talking about romantic attraction without it having to be about kissing or cuddling (though common for people who are sensual to whatever degree).  I'm not feeling chatty enough to post more on it myself right now, but I encourage to look through the section on romantic and aromantic orientation:

https://www.asexuality.org/en/forum/90-romantic-and-aromantic-orientations/

 

Hope you can find some more that will click somehow for you.

[snowball270]

Ahh not this is a really interesting topic for me. As far as I know I have never had a crush nor do I truly know how to define one but I have had very strong feelings of wanting to be with somewone in a non romantic way and it lasted for years untill I finally decided he should know why an awkward, squeaky and nervous young adult was always pleased to see him on the two times a year that we met.

 

Here is my story.

 

 I said I really liked him but not in that kind of way and would it be ok if we could hang out outside of the event that we had both been going to for nearly 7 years. While I was talking my voice was going very squeaky until Im sure only dogs could hear me and I sweated so much but I did it.

 

He said he was very flattered and that it was fine to email him.  Fast forward 6 to 9 months and I did and we arranged to meet. I booked a hotel and decided to ride my bike to the meetup place along a bike path.  That night I did not sleep and breakfast wasnt easy either so I took food with me and set off. I had planned to arrive with plenty of time to tidy up and sort myself out before we met but had no idea that the trail I was on just stopped in the middle of a field so for the last bit I had to make my own way.

 

Instead of arriving in good time I was a few mins late and rode full speed to the visitor centre in the park. I was nearly there when I suddenly saw him and  braked very hard. he stepped out of the way as my bike squealed past leaving gravel gouges.

 

the rest of the day was spent talking and me drinking a LOT of water.

 

fast forwad nearly 15 years and we meet up at least 3 times a year for bike rides or walks. He is one of my best friends.

 

There. I hope I didnt bore anyone and perhaps my experiences can help or at the very least provide some comedic relief.