Am I on the spectrum or just unable to do it

[Klevas]

Hey everyone,

 

I'm not sure if this is appropriate to share. I'll try not to be overly specific, so here it goes. I'm 25 yo guy, and have had sexual experiences and intimate relationships in my life. The thing is, I've never been able to perform physically as I wished or was expected to. I've never had any issues with pleasuring my partner in other ways, although I cannot say I really enjoyed it either.

 

So in all my relationships and sexual experiences in general, I deliberately avoided situations where sex was an expectation. Just thinking about it gives me anxiety. Dating is hard too, since before any relationship starts, I think 'Oh no, I'll need to have sex with this person for this to work' and I'm relieved after nothing happens in that sort of situation. In the past, I left someone that I loved and they loved me back, because I was not brave enough to be honest with them.

 

My question is basically this, is my inability to perform physically caused me shame and anxiety and pushed me to avoid sexual intimacy and I'm just a straight guy with embarrasing performance issues, or am I on the asexual spectrum to begin with?

 

I think I would want to be in a sexual relationship with someone I love, even though I have a really low libido and never really enjoyed sex and would rather watch youtube and lay on the couch, but the notion of never having it again makes me feel like I would be missing something really important.

 

Sorry for the long post,

Sincerely,

L

[Sarah-Sylvia]

Hi @Klevas. Welcome to the site

 

I'll ask a question. If you were with a loving partner that was understanding, or maybe even preferred just oral sex or something that wouldn't need you to perform in other ways, how would you feel?

You did say that you feel something would be missing if you didn't have sex, so that might be telling of being sexual, but I guess it still depends how you feel around sex and how drawn to it or important it is for you in a relationship.
If you have low libido that 'could' explain not enjoying it as much. Though do you feel you do have sex as a love language? How would you feel if you only had touch/sensuality for intimacy with a partner but no sex?

 

Do take your time. Regardless of being on ace spectrum or not, it's still a big thing to get to know yourself. And for a partner to respect you for how you are.

 

 

[Marlow1]

Low libido is not asexuality and there are ways to treat it. I am not saying you personally are not Asexual, only you can decide that but many people have low libido and following treatment things turn around for them. If you want to know more this article explains some of this A Guide to Maintaining a Healthy Sex Drive | Mark's Daily Apple (marksdailyapple.com)

[Sally]

Sexuals generally want to have sex and like to have sex, not just because they think they should because others expect it.  Asexuals generally don't want to have sex and aren't interested in it/don't enjoy it when they end up having sex, even when they are able to perform.

 

So being asexual doesn't really have anything to do with inability to perform.  It means you're not interested.  

[steel_quill]

Hi, L, and welcome to AVEN.

 

5 hours ago, Klevas said:

The thing is, I've never been able to perform physically as I wished or was expected to.

Based on what I've read (can't speak from personal experience since I have none), asexuals who don't mind having sex typically don't feel "emotionally invested" in it as much as (allo-)sexual people. Some have reported feeling actually disconnected from it and only going through because it'd make their partner happy. Others are actively repulsed by it. Not really a performance thing, more like "Do I feel fulfilled?" For asexuals, the answer to that last question is usually no.

 

5 hours ago, Klevas said:

I think I would want to be in a sexual relationship with someone I love, even though I have a really low libido and never really enjoyed sex and would rather watch youtube and lay on the couch, but the notion of never having it again makes me feel like I would be missing something really important.

It also bears mentioning that asexuality exists along a spectrum, including a spectrum of gray-sexual people in between the (allo-)sexuals and asexuals. That could be something to look into, as well, if you feel that your experience differs from the "norm." One last note: one way that asexuality has been defined is little/no desire for partnered sex. You could see how well (or not well) that fits with your experience.

[Sally]

2 hours ago, steel_quill said:

It also bears mentioning that asexuality exists along a spectrum, including a spectrum of gray-sexual people in between the (allo-)sexuals and asexuals. 

That isn't a universal opinion of asexuals.  

[Klevas]

Thanks for the replies everyone.

 

I'm going to look into the gray-sexuality topic deeper.

 

You were a big help.

[everywhere and nowhere]

8 hours ago, Marlow1 said:

Low libido is not asexuality and there are ways to treat it. I am not saying you personally are not Asexual, only you can decide that but many people have low libido and following treatment things turn around for them. If you want to know more this article explains some of this A Guide to Maintaining a Healthy Sex Drive | Mark's Daily Apple (marksdailyapple.com)

Low libido is not an illness, just a trait. Particularly if someone is satisfied with their level of libido,there's no point in trying to increase it. I would only make a "concession" for one situation: if loss of a preexisting libido happens relatively suddenly - this might indeed, perhaps more often than not, be a sign of some underlying problem. But if someone has had a low libido all or almost all of their life, I would say that it's just how they are, this level of libido is natural for them and trying to change it would do more harm than good. If there is a clear underlying problem, such as medication, depression or hypothyroidism, treating it would likely make a person's libido increase (however, I still wish that "Is there a way to treat it without increasing my libido?" was considered a legitimate question; basically, I want normalisation of sexual non-desire, low libido and of having a preference for low libido). But if there is no clear underlying issue? It's just dubious "therapy" for a non-issue, only to make patients conform to what levels of libido physicians and sexologists imagine to be "normal".

9 hours ago, Sarah-Sylvia said:

You did say that you feel something would be missing if you didn't have sex, so that might be telling of being sexual, but I guess it still depends how you feel around sex and how drawn to it or important it is for you in a relationship.

In my opinion it still wouldn't fully exclude asexuality because this is how people are taught to feel about sex: that it's something immensely important, that not having it is a Loss and a Gap and Missing Out, that relationships without sex are impossible, that happiness is not possible in a lifestyle which does not include sex... Some people need time to sort out whether it's what they genuinely feel, or something the society has induced them to believe.

[steel_quill]

On 5/16/2022 at 12:15 AM, Sally said:

That isn't a universal opinion of asexuals.  

Noted. Apologies if any offense was taken. For my own education, are you speaking of the concept of the "umbrella" itself or that I misused a term?