Do you ever feel bad when you're talking for making it about you or is it just me?

[Aye]

Sorry about the title I didn't know what to put.

Have you ever been having a conversation with people (online or offline) and they're all sharing stories. And you don't want to share your story because that would be making it about you and everyone else would be like 'Look at her, all she can talk about is herself, what a b*tch.' and so you just don't say anything because you're scared that everyone will think you're making it all about you when really you're just trying to join in.

[SilenceRadio]

I've never really felt that way about conversations where stories are shared. But yeah, I used to think that sometimes, talking about myself was selfish. Until I realized people aren't forced to read what I'm saying.

[Deltalorian]

Yeah, I sometimes feel that way. If people are sharing stories, I may share mine or not, only if I feel it's relevant to the others. However, the main reason I may not say something is because I'm too anxious to say anything with the people who are around me.

[Lysandre, the Star-Crossed]

That depends on the context. I frequently use personal stories or relate things back to my own life as a way of attempting to illustrate a point. I'm not sure how exactly to describe my style of communication, but it relies heavily on comparison/contrast and very narrow analogies. That's actually something I struggle with, because it's not a very useful way to talk to most people. Neurotypical folks in particular seem to have a harder time communicating that way, and they make up a larger segment of the folks I interact with than other neurodivergent folks do 

[Milque Toast]

Yes. Very often, unfortunately.

Online, I don't feel that so much, because I feel a lot more anonymous. And often because I can type and basically babble on for as long as I like*. People who read what I post online have the choice to read or not read what I want to say. But in real life, when I talk, you kind of have no choice but to listen, so I hold back a lot more. I mean, when I talk about my interests is when I'm the most self-conscious about it. Mainly because I could talk about them forever but also one of my friends always gets kind of annoyed when I start talking about those things, so he's partially to blame for that feeling, lol.

 

Yesterday, we talked about how all of my older family members are doing exams and and all of that stuff. That would have been a perfect time to also talk about my upcoming exams, but I felt embarrassed to, because they're all doing university entrance exams and finals and dissotations and stuff- in comparison, my GCSEs don't really seem as important (despite these being the first big exams anyone ever does in the UK, generally). I know in my head that's stupid- exams are stressful for everyone, but I didn't really want to start making it all about myself. Or like, I wanted to talk about how I spent my birthday at the Sherlock Holmes museum, especially since both my cousins are fans of the books, but I don't wanna like, force them to listen to it.

 

And it's especially stupid because, as much as I do enjoy talking about myself, I also enjoy listening to other people!

Honestly, I used to hate listening to what other people talked about (especially if it was something I'm not interested in), but more and more lately I realise I can get really immersed in what other people have to talk about and I think I'm a lot better at engaging in their conversation, rather than just starting my own one-sided conversation.

I guess I sort of feel like I have to "earn" speaking time, by listening to their conversations first, if that makes sense.

 

*like how I'm doing right now

[Ceebs]

53 minutes ago, Lysandre, the Star-Crossed said:

That depends on the context. I frequently use personal stories or relate things back to my own life as a way of attempting to illustrate a point. I'm not sure how exactly to describe my style of communication, but it relies heavily on comparison/contrast and very narrow analogies.

Yeah this is completely me. I make my points or attempt to empathise/sympathise/relate/comfort someone/show them I understand/whatever by sharing my own experiences or really specific examples. It's just... the way that most makes sense to me. Some people seem to really appreciate that (as long as I don't completely cut them off and not let them talk at all themselves lol) and others likely find it annoying. 🤷🏼‍♀️

[Janus the Fox]

Online I’d often be bitched out sharing stories for making it about myself, shared stories with Janus despite trying to fit into shared communities with fetish and autism communities.  Likely I’d get the same communication difficulties IRL, even worse in neurotypical situations.  It’s perhaps to do with learning and other social difficulties.

[Lysandre, the Star-Crossed]

41 minutes ago, Janus the Fox said:

Online I’d often be bitched out sharing stories for making it about myself, shared stories with Janus despite trying to fit into shared communities with fetish and autism communities.  Likely I’d get the same communication difficulties IRL, even worse in neurotypical situations.  It’s perhaps to do with learning and other social difficulties.

I'm on the spectrum, and I've noticed that online communication seems to be harder with NT folks for me. Offline I communicate very differently. I think the lack of body language and tone changes my approach, because on the phone it's a middle ground between the two.

[Artemis42]

Oh yes, often. Glad I’m not the only one. 

[daveb]

Not to make it about me, but yes, I sometimes feel that way. But usually it's like others said, mutual sharing of personal takes/stories, trying to show understanding by saying I can relate because of this. At the same time, I try not to make it sound like I'm dismissing someone else's story/comments/feelings, not trying to one up people or pump myself up too much, and I try not to overdo it or dominate the conversation. Let others get their say, too, and listen to them.

[Anomaly Q3Xr]

3 hours ago, Lysandre, the Star-Crossed said:

I'm on the spectrum, and I've noticed that online communication seems to be harder with NT folks for me. Offline I communicate very differently. I think the lack of body language and tone changes my approach, because on the phone it's a middle ground between the two.

I am the same with online communication, but also with telephone conversation (also on the spectrum). I am much more able to communicate effectively if I can see the person that I am talking to. Phones are the worst for me, because I can neither see the person nor what they are saying.

[Blue eyes white dragon]

5 hours ago, Lysandre, the Star-Crossed said:

That depends on the context. I frequently use personal stories or relate things back to my own life as a way of attempting to illustrate a point. I'm not sure how exactly to describe my style of communication, but it relies heavily on comparison/contrast and very narrow analogies. That's actually something I struggle with, because it's not a very useful way to talk to most people. Neurotypical folks in particular seem to have a harder time communicating that way, and they make up a larger segment of the folks I interact with than other neurodivergent folks do 

Same.. I also tend to over explain and repeat what I say just to make sure they understand.. but I learned to preface my personal stories with "I understand what you are dealing with because I have dealt with similar things here is an example"

[Ceebs]

This thread reminds me of this tweet...

 

 

[Acing It]

6 hours ago, Ithinkimace said:

Sorry about the title I didn't know what to put.

Have you ever been having a conversation with people (online or offline) and they're all sharing stories. And you don't want to share your story because that would be making it about you and everyone else would be like 'Look at her, all she can talk about is herself, what a b*tch.' and so you just don't say anything because you're scared that everyone will think you're making it all about you when really you're just trying to join in.

I have felt like that at times, yes. But sometimes it's important to make it about you and to tell your story. Building relationships and friendships is also about sharing your story and listening to theirs. So as long as you take a genuine interest in what they have to say, there's nothing wrong with sharing, not oversharing, your story. It's a to and fro as far as I'm concerned. 

[Acing It]

1 minute ago, Lady Telecaster said:

This thread reminds me of this tweet...

 

 

This made me laugh out loud 😄

[J. van Deijck]

6 hours ago, SilenceRadio said:

I've never really felt that way about conversations where stories are shared. But yeah, I used to think that sometimes, talking about myself was selfish. Until I realized people aren't forced to read what I'm saying.

Same here. Who wants to listen or read, will do it. Who doesn't want it, may skip it and I'm not gonna cry about it.

[MarRister]

Conversation is a back and forth, and I think stories are often what really connect us. They make us see what we have in common and how we can relate to one another. I know I will often share stories in conversation because it helps people to get to know each other better, it helps establish commonalities and differences, and it encourages sharing of experiences and creates connection. I know many stories about my friends' lives and not just the one's I was involved in, just as they know many stories from my life, because it is important in bonding. Now I don't always feel like I have a story that would add to a conversation, so I don't just share whatever, but when I feel like I have an experience that adds to the conversation I'll say it, as I think it shows I am listening, understanding, and having a back and forth that helps the conversation keep moving. It would be really awkward to me in conversation if I told someone a story from my life, and they didn't really have any response to it from their own experiences, even if it is a, oh I've never experienced that before or some sort of loosely related experience.

 

You said they were all sharing stories, so did you feel that the other people that were sharing stories were being selfish by doing that and making it all about themselves? If you didn't find them to be selfish, it might be worthwhile considering why you feel your stories would be selfish and theirs are not. I think we often fall into treating ourselves far worse than those around us, but then you have to remember, that is likely the same for the people around you too. They are very likely not going to be nearly as hard on you as you are on yourself in those kind of situations.