Testosterone, confusion, and sex seems blah

[LynMarie]

 I’m sure this has all been said a million times before, but asexual! Who’d have imagined? But OMG, yes! I’m that. 
 

There were a few times in my very (very very) active younger years when I felt a physical attraction to a man. Mostly never, despite many, many partners. Initially yes, with my husband, at times. 
 

But mostly, no, never. I just did it because it was expected. Now I actually feel repulsed by the thought of sex with a man. The only spark of attraction I’ve felt recently has been for a few masc women — but not an urge to have sex. Just appreciation. 
 

BUT ALL TOO LONG when my point is to say that I feel amazing and alive and vibrant. Everything in society tells us that without an active sex life we’re half dead, but it feels to me as if I get to keep more of me for me — and that feels amazing. I’ve spent my life taking care of others. It was for love, I’m glad, but I’m so done with it. 
 

I know a number of women who get testosterone boosters because they’ve lost interest in sex and their husbands are shaking their bottles of viagra like a rattles. Yuck. 
 

The other thing I’m noticing has been a long time thing. I don’t feel female or male consistently. I def look feminine but I feel more tomboy-ish or butch inside. 
 

is this possible? An identity crisis of this extent at (shhhhh! Yikes!) 65? Don’t you think I’d have figured all this out by now? 
 

anyway, finding a definition, a name, other people … it makes it feel okay and that feels fantastic. Thanks for listening. 

[SilenceRadio]

Welcome to AVEN!

 

12 hours ago, LynMarie said:

The other thing I’m noticing has been a long time thing. I don’t feel female or male consistently. I def look feminine but I feel more tomboy-ish or butch inside. 
 

is this possible? An identity crisis of this extent at (shhhhh! Yikes!) 65? Don’t you think I’d have figured all this out by now? 

It's common for non-cis/het people to figure out who they are at much older age. Partly because you never learn that it's an option until much later. Life is a constant work in progress, and we never have all the answers, nor are they static. Are there any changes gender-wise you'd like to do?