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Queerplatonic/Confused as heck? Feelings are weird


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Bookworm2023

Okay, so does anyone else feel this way? I just watched Heartstopper on Netflix, and it was really really cute, but then it brought up all these questions that I didn't realize I had. I saw Nick and Charlie just being so sweet and wholesome, like, hugging and kissing, and just being in each other's company, and it maybe realize that I kind of want to do that? But like, I don't have a specific person that I would want to do that with. I think a queerplatonic relationship would be the right fit, but everyone around me seems really allo, and I don't know if that would be the right fit for anyone else. I'd be comfortable with maybe trying some romantically coded things like holding hands, cuddling, and maybe kissing or going on dates, but I don't really have those feelings for anyone at the moment, but like, I want to? But I feel like that if I do, I'm just kidding myself, and trying to fit into a hetero normative pattern? I don't know. I'm just really confused. I guess that's what watching actual wholesome queer content does. Makes you question things. Definitely ace though. Figured that out when everyone was obsessing over Bridgerton and I didn't see why.

 

-Just a really confused ace/possibly on the aro spectrum 

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TheirMajestyTheMonarch

Ack I loved Heartstopper so much! I kind of see what you mean. The idea of kissing and cuddling... I love it. I even have a boyfriend right now, but I'm aroflux, and even when I feel super aro I still like the idea of kissing and stuff, but yeah, I hope you figure it out

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StarryNightAllAlone

I agree. Feelings are weird. You may experience romantic attraction or you may not experience romantic attraction. It could be you like the idea of being in a relationship, but feel no attraction to real people. Whatever the case may be, there's nothing wrong with you. I feel the same way. I've never had any serious romantic feelings for anyone, besides a few shallow crushes and I've never met a person I would consider as a romantic partner. Friends are different. I have trouble trusting men, so that may be part of the problem for me. I hope you find the answers you seek.

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13 hours ago, Bookworm2023 said:

I guess that's what watching actual wholesome queer content does. Makes you question things.

That's exactly what I went through after watching heartstopper! Even though I was already accepting myself as aroace, all that wholesome queer love made me want it so badly, even though I've never actually wanted a relationship that involves anything romantically coded - I just want someone that will give hugs the way Nick does 😂. I feel like I'm definitely still open to some form of queerplatonic relationship but I do have to keep reminding myself that it won't happen as naturally as Nick and Charlies relationship. Plus I've watched lots of reaction videos by mainly gay allosexual people and they nearly all state how life will never be like this for real queer people so it's helped me stop thinking that it's something unachievable just because I'm aroace and actually it's unachievable for anyone to find a love like that...

 

Hope that made any sense.

 

Coming back on here and watching so much heartstopper that I'm no longer as obsessed as I was has defin helped me feel less confused again.

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Bookworm2023
1 hour ago, Phi! said:

 I just want someone that will give hugs the way Nick does 😂

SAME. Like, they just hit different. It's nice to know that other people have the same opinion. :)

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beta_moon

For those who love Heartstopper, you might check out Alice Oseman's novels. She wrote both the show and the webcomic it's based on. She also has an entire series of novels in the same universe. Two focus specifically on ace characters! I haven't read them yet, but I love the works of hers that I have read. 

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steel_quill
20 hours ago, Bookworm2023 said:

I'd be comfortable with maybe trying some romantically coded things like holding hands, cuddling, and maybe kissing or going on dates, but I don't really have those feelings for anyone at the moment, but like, I want to?

I haven't seen the show, but this is relatable (probably minus the kissing). :) 

 

Since you mentioned "at the moment," if you feel like you'd need a deep emotional bond with someone before any romantic attraction forms, maybe demi-romantic?

 

Or, since you mentioned "I want to," if you feel like you don't experience romantic attraction but want to be in a romantic relationship, maybe cupioromantic?

 

There's a non-exhaustive list of many different types of romantic orientations here:

 

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Diotima of Mantinea
On 5/14/2022 at 7:00 PM, Bookworm2023 said:

Okay, so does anyone else feel this way? I just watched Heartstopper on Netflix, and it was really really cute, but then it brought up all these questions that I didn't realize I had. I saw Nick and Charlie just being so sweet and wholesome, like, hugging and kissing, and just being in each other's company, and it maybe realize that I kind of want to do that? But like, I don't have a specific person that I would want to do that with. I think a queerplatonic relationship would be the right fit, but everyone around me seems really allo, and I don't know if that would be the right fit for anyone else. I'd be comfortable with maybe trying some romantically coded things like holding hands, cuddling, and maybe kissing or going on dates, but I don't really have those feelings for anyone at the moment, but like, I want to? But I feel like that if I do, I'm just kidding myself, and trying to fit into a hetero normative pattern? I don't know. I'm just really confused. I guess that's what watching actual wholesome queer content does. Makes you question things. Definitely ace though. Figured that out when everyone was obsessing over Bridgerton and I didn't see why.

 

-Just a really confused ace/possibly on the aro spectrum 

I came here to post exactly this and found your posts @Bookworm2023 and @Phi!! I could have written this myself -- fear not, you are not alone! You are not confused and your reaction is normal. I am also aro-ace and have always wanted strong queerplatonic relationships (ideally with more than one person). After watching Heartstopper, I cannot stop thinking how badly I want to experience sweet, innocent affection with someone the way that Nick and Charlie do with each other. I want someone to hug me and hold me in the comforting, warm, caring manner in which Nick holds Charlie. I immediately thought of my best friend from high school, whom I really love and am aesthetically attracted to (i.e. she's very pretty with a lovely smile that always melts my heart, and I am always so happy in her company). Heartstopper made me wish I could have had sweet, sensually-satisfying cuddles and kisses with her back in high school, in addition to the sister-like bond we shared where we talked a lot and hung out together! Alas, Heartstopper made me wish I could have been her "special someone" in a platonic life-partner sort of way. But she's heterosexual/heteroromantic and now happily settled with a long-term boyfriend, and she'd probably freak out and think I'm a closeted lesbian or something if I mentioned my thoughts to her now! So here I am, venting my feelings to random strangers on the internet...life is unfair.

 

I do feel somewhat consoled hearing about @Phi!'s experience seeing the allosexual reaction videos and realising that love like Nick and Charlie's is pretty much unachievable in real life even for non-asexual people...that definitely makes me a little less sad. Thank you for sharing this "reality check"!

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confusedone7
On 5/14/2022 at 7:00 PM, Bookworm2023 said:

Okay, so does anyone else feel this way? I just watched Heartstopper on Netflix, and it was really really cute, but then it brought up all these questions that I didn't realize I had. I saw Nick and Charlie just being so sweet and wholesome, like, hugging and kissing, and just being in each other's company, and it maybe realize that I kind of want to do that? But like, I don't have a specific person that I would want to do that with. I think a queerplatonic relationship would be the right fit, but everyone around me seems really allo, and I don't know if that would be the right fit for anyone else. I'd be comfortable with maybe trying some romantically coded things like holding hands, cuddling, and maybe kissing or going on dates, but I don't really have those feelings for anyone at the moment, but like, I want to? But I feel like that if I do, I'm just kidding myself, and trying to fit into a hetero normative pattern? I don't know. I'm just really confused. I guess that's what watching actual wholesome queer content does. Makes you question things. Definitely ace though. Figured that out when everyone was obsessing over Bridgerton and I didn't see why.

 

-Just a really confused ace/possibly on the aro spectrum 

Yes! It brought up those questions and feelings for me, too. I'm starting to think I may be ace. At least, so many things I have read on these discussion boards have really clicked with me.

 

Thank you for sharing.

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