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Crushes, Relationships, and Boundaries


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Jasper Belamour

Okay, so there's been a recent development in my life and I just don't know what to do about it. So, I have a friend who I think I like and who likes me; however, my friends love language is definitely physical touch and mine is definitely not. I don't know if that has to do with trauma or being ace, but it's really worrying me. I'm really bad at communicating what I want/need and I don't want to hurt my friend or anything...

 

My friend is huge on kissing and cuddling, and I'm just not... if anything I'm kind of against it because it stresses me out and it feels weird. Like, I'll say I'm okay with it, but I'm not really because it's just uncomfortable for me and kind of boring. It doesn't have any romantic ties for me and I think it kind of brings up some of my trauma for me, but I don't know how to tell my friend that. Cuddling I'm fine with most of the time, but it feels much the same where I'm just kind of bored and indifferent towards it.

 

My main thing is I don't want to hurt my friend or anything with this and I feel like if I tell them all of this they won't take it well.

 

And it's almost like kissing makes me feel devalued as a person... It makes me feel the relationship is only physical and therefore not real.

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Blue eyes white dragon

Long time no see friend! Miss ya!

 

First off, do not move forward with anything until you say how you feel regarding what you said. Do not let your friend pressure you into doing anything you're not ok with. Second, yeah it definitely is hard communicating I know that all too well.. Make sure to say that it's your comfort levels regardless of person involved. You seem like it's easier to write how you feel and think instead of verbalizing so maybe write your friend all this stuff? Remember you cannot control others feelings and responses, nor should you have to. You need to protect and take care of yourself first and foremost 💜

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MinnieMouse

I understand that you don't want to hurt your friend, but by disrespecting your boundaries you hurt yourself instead. If your friend won't respect you if you say no, then they aren't someone to rely on. I still think you should tell them how you feel, though. Maybe it won't end as badly as you think, and if it does you definitely deserve a better friend. I wish you all luck with this – let us know how it goes. 

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Generally if two people have an obvious incompatibility in love languages right out of the gate they are not a good match romantically. I can't tell from your post whether you are aromantic or just not into physical touch, but if your intention was to keep things platonic I don't think you and your friend are on the same page. Your friend is probably hoping to take things further than kissing eventually too. I think the only thing to do is to have a frank talk with your friend and be very clear about what you are and are not looking for in a relationship. It may well be that the best course of action is to walk your relationship back to a regular, nonexclusive, platonic friendship. If so your friend's feelings may be hurt for a while, but the more quickly you are honest with your friend the better the chances of salvaging your friendship. 

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