i don't know what i feel

[_Anne_]

I have a friend that I've known since elementary school, she was always one of my best friends, actually, until she became my only best friend, but a few months ago I realized that she really meant to me. It's more than friendship but I don't feel like it's like romantic love it's weird...

 

I think I'm a romantic grey, the few crushes I've had have always been boys and I can see the difference when I'm attracted to a boy versus a girl. The girls I can just find them beautiful and tell myself that I would like to look like them, whereas for the boys I'm in "WOW" mode and I can make lots of films in my head with them.

 

Going back to this friend, I already feel close to her in a spiritual sense but now I would like to be close to her physically by giving her hugs, just hugs. I've tried to imagine myself holding her hand or kissing her, but it rings false every time and I really can't imagine myself kissing her. Also I'm not at all attracted to her by her physical appearance, I feel more attracted to her for her personality and because she's a very good friend.

 

So I'm a bit lost because for me I don't feel romantic love for her but it's not friendship either...

 

[oldgeeza]

I think that you're feeling love for your friend because she's your soulmate, a kindred spirit, it's like a cross between love for a family member and that of a close friend, there's nothing wrong with what you're feeling, I have a lot of friends both male and female that I have the same sort of feelings for, and I often hug my friends, often greetings involve a hug and kiss (I don't mean an intimate kiss,) we regularly have hugs and cuddles, there's nothing wrong with you and what you feel, in another post on here, I have had my actions misunderstood by others but not by those I love, those I love know I love them for who they are not how they appear, they also know that there's no sexual feelings for them, just genuine love and care

 

Love doesn't have to involve sex or intimacy, but often close friends do hug, some kiss, more often it's women, but they hold hands, link arms, women are actually more tactile than men, as an older male, I very often have hugs from my female friends, some of which are young enough to be my daughter, I can only give my point of view here, but this is normally a sign of trust, but I think women have a much better understanding of trust, friendship and love as in love for a close friend, I get away with telling my close friends that I love them, maybe because I'm older, I don't know, but I say it to my male and female friends.

[steel_quill]

There are more forms of attraction than just romantic or platonic. I can think of alterous and queer-platonic. Other, more knowledgeable people, probably know additional types. 

 

The same goes for what specifically about a person attracts you -- emotional, intellectual, aesthetic (i.e., physical looks), sexual (though this is not true for most aces), etc. All forms of attraction are valid and real, and only you can know what you're feeling.

 

I've had a similar experience as you, many years ago. I had a really good (ace) friend in high school. She was a wicked talented artist and incredibly smart. She was also very patient with me and became my unofficial mentor for "the crazy, messed-up complications and obstacles that make up life." I liked spending time and talking with her a lot, but I was too nervous/shy (as a freshman) to try to advance our friendship beyond what you can get out of 10-15 minute pre-class conversations. When she graduated, I missed her a lot. I don't think I felt romantic toward her, but none of my other (platonic) friends have affected me in the same way, nor even people whom I thought were crushes. Back then, I was really confused about what was happening. Now, I'm pretty sure that it was a form of love. Exactly what type, I'm unable right now to pinpoint, but certainly love.