Was it all fake? Am I lying to myself?

[confusedscaredahhh]

I've been in a deep spiral of anxiety and depression over my sexuality and romantic attraction for many months now. I've been deeply contemplating whether I'm asexual and/or aromantic and it's deeply distressing to me (on both accounts). My life has totally fallen apart, physically and mentally. I haven't been cooking or exercising for months and was recently diagnosed as pre-diabetic, which I think was directly related. I've also been struggling with feeling like my life isn't worth living and after a medication mixup recently, my therapist actually recommended outpatient hospitalization. I seemed to be better after getting back on my medicine and we put that on the back burner, but I got really upset again tonight about the possibility of being unable to enjoy a romantic/sexual relationship.

 

I've had what I thought were crushes and a desire to be in a relationship and never questioned them much for a while but lately I've been all in doubt. I've been wondering if I'm lying to myself and in denial and my so-called desire to be in a relationship is just amatonormativity. And tonight I thought maybe my crushes were actually squishes I thought were romantic? If I'm questioning them, how could they be real?

 

(I wrote about the closest I come to sexual attraction here.)

 

I had one crush in middle school that I did a bit of fantasizing about being in a relationship with... can't remember how strong or real that felt.

 

The most definite evidence of romantic attraction I have is an infatuation in high school. I only had one crush. I don't think I consciously chose him? A teacher used to joke about us dating so maybe that planted a delusion. Idk.

 

He was a boy in my grade that I hadn't really known until I felt this maybe crush and actively worked to get closer to him. I definitely considered it an actual crush at the time and felt differently about him than anyone else. I was so excited whenever he noticed me. I had some really stupid moments like fantasizing about him texting me when he didn't have my number and getting upset when I was at prom and I was with my friends instead of being his date. I got jealous of all of his girlfriends. When he approached me and asked me to be in the extracurricular he led, I was so excited that he had asked ME and wondered if that was the start of something more (not really). When he was asked in a truth or dare at a party what his favorite part of a woman was (oh high school) he said stomachs and I literally started applying lotion to mine every night JUST IN CASE.

 

Things actually seemed to be moving towards some sort of a relationship when we went to college (even though it was separate colleges!). We messaged each other all the time and things got explicitly flirty. We talked about having sex even (I can't remember many details...). One night he confessed that he would have asked me out if that damn teacher hadn't teased us so much. I was on cloud nine that night! I had daydreams of him coming to visit him and our first kiss. I envisioned us getting married and our kids. I had a dream about us getting married one night and it was like the most excited I've ever been about a dream.

 

So idk, maybe some of that makes me sound silly to doubt? But... one night he invited me over to try things out. I was so excited before but... it was such a letdown. When he first suggested making out I think I went "oh god!" and felt terrified. He later just kissed me and it was physically nice but emotionally I felt nothing... just awkward. No butterflies, no amazing feelings... just super awkward. We just did some kissing and touching and then I went home and he basically never talked to me again. I stopped fantasizing about him.

 

Now for the really bad part... I'm 28 now and that's the most I have. No relationships, nothing physical beyond that. I've online dated on and off for the last four years or so and gotten nowhere but anxiousville. I also tried dating a couple of girls and managed about four dates with one... but no romantic feelings. She asked me what my physical boundaries were (like hand holding and kissing) and I just instantly got that OH GOD feeling again. The closest I got other than that was the last guy I saw... we chatted for a while and then spent like a week with two in-person dates and a virtual one. I was doing great and pretty excited (even was up too excited to sleep at the prospect that maybe I might finally get sex!! because he was really great about me telling him I'd never done it). But then on our third date I was nervous. We went on a walk and held hands and I liked that but then during the conversation something just flipped and I was like "... he is annoying as hell omg." And that was that and I felt so defeated.

 

The most I've had otherwise was just excitement at the possibility of dating someone a few times. I had this one guy I was talking to online who triggered some excitement switch in my brain and I was like "YES!" and felt so capable of a relationship that I was looking at wedding stuff (yikes... but usually I feel too sad and uncomfortable to enjoy that stuff).

 

There was one guy literally in the first few days of college who I went out with (didn't realize it was a date at first YIKES). I remember liking the idea of it a bit? Like I thought about holding his hand when we were walking after our date and I got the warm fuzzies when I purposefully thought about us dating... but something kicked in and I was like "nope" and ended it. There was at least one other guy who tried to date me that year and I was freaked out! Like actually avoiding him. 

 

So there's a definite draw to TRYING for a relationship but there's so much anxiety and discomfort in reality and I don't know if it's my mental issues or if it's actual dislike of romance and aromanticism. I've been really scrutinizing whether I want a relationship lately and it's so hard to imagine and pretty foreign and uncomfortable... but when I dig into it the pieces sound amazing. Someone who is my default person to do stuff with, someone to snuggle on the couch with and take vacations with. Someone to actually find me beautiful and think even my chest and implants after my double mastectomy are beautiful. Someone I connect with deeply emotionally and trust enough to try sex (and please God enjoy it!!). Someone to build a life with and have babies with.

 

In all my web searching trying to find out if I feel anything real and can have any romance or sex and am capable of the actual feelings I read descriptions about what it feels like to really be in love. What it feels like to have that chemistry and want to kiss someone. And I SOB. It sounds so amazing. I read someone describe being in love as coming home and I just... Jesus. That peace sounds amazing.

 

I've been having strong fantasies about love and sex with a fictional character for like a year now and omg, in my dreams it's amazing. But I question that too! Like am I just envisioning myself as a fictional character with this man? I go on dates sometimes and am just like I just want him! 

 

I stopped consuming anything fictional that might have romance because it makes me sad. God it's all so cruel. I feel like my life is not worth living if it's going to be a lifetime of watching people get this and never actually be capable of those feelings. What a damn gift romantic (and sexual!) attraction is and why the hell is this me. It all feels so definite, that my worst case scenario must be possible and romance for me will be... staring into the void. That I'll never be comfortable, never get to enjoy romance or sex. People on Reddit say "ace people can still enjoy sex! aro people can still enjoy romance!" and like... sure? But Jesus Christ what a barrier to jump. Wouldn't the most enjoyment you'd be capable of be basically what a gay man feels dating and sleeping with a woman? How is that not terrible and massively unfair?

 

I have this feeling that's calmer and less desperate than the others when I'm wracking my brain that I'm in denial and lying to myself and I'm just desperate to be normal and I only tell myself I want this stuff because society says I do. But I keep fighting and begging my friends and my therapist and strangers on the Internet to find me a way out of this. Please let it not be true. Please don't let me be incapable of these feelings. I keep dating, I keep dreaming about my fictional husband. I keep sobbing and losing my mind. If I manage to feel capable of a relationship it calms me for a bit and then the doubt throws it self back at me. I can get myself to believe that if I keep trying and keep dating MAYBE I can get it but... I keep going back to doubt and sadness.

 

Am I lying to myself? Am I lying to the people I try to date? Do I just have to cope and accept and find some way to live with this?

 

Sorry for the novel, I know this is ridiculous, I know no one cares, I know I'm obsessed, I know I'm sick. But I'm in so much pain and I keep searching for my peace and my answers and... some way to experience these beautiful things.

 

 

[steel_quill]

Hey, no need to apologize for the long post. Sometimes, just getting everything out on (virtual or IRL) paper can be a big relief.  I know it is for me.

 

First, your life is ABSOLUTELY worth living! There's no need to feel bad just because your experience with romance is different from the "norm".

 

9 hours ago, confusedscaredahhh said:

I've been wondering if I'm lying to myself and in denial and my so-called desire to be in a relationship is just amatonormativity.

It's perfectly normal for people to want to be in (a) committed relationship(s) -- platonic, QPR, romantic, (plural for the polyromantics), or otherwise. I've also read accounts from aromantics that say they desire some kind of longer-term relationship. You also could be cupioromantic if you decide you're aromantic but still desire romantic relationships.

 

I read your other post about your experiences with sexual attraction/desire. From what I understand, aces can still feel "turned on" / fantasize as you described when consuming media containing sexual material -- most likely due to a biologically wired arousal reaction. Hormonal fluctuations around menstrual periods can heighten these experiences; I've read other posts that have mentioned this point. You could ask yourself whether these feelings are directed at another person?

 

Re: romantic stuff

Caveat with I also don't know my romantic orientation, so I can speak from personal experience + what I've read, but here goes.......

 

10 hours ago, confusedscaredahhh said:

A teacher used to joke about us dating so maybe that planted a delusion.

I've also experienced this. My college friends kept shipping me with this guy who lived on my floor. I didn't feel anything until they kept bringing it up, and then I was h***a nervous and anxious afterwards. Occasionally in my free time, I'd fantasize about going on dates and holding his hand -- all the stuff you see in movies. There were a couple other guys, too, who I started out as friends with, talking with them for a long time, and I never felt anything romantic until they started doing stuff that showed interest. Then, it was the entire nervous/anxious/internal freak-out episode all over again. Plus the fact that I have an overactive imagination, I immediately fast-forward in my mind to wedding + strolling on the beach during sunset + anniversary dinners + etc..... TBH after they started showing interest, I felt mildly uncomfortable. I've asking myself whether these were actually crushes for a couple years. I've decided they're not because I've never felt jealousy in all of this. When they ended up with different people, I'm just like, "Oh well, so it goes," not like, "I wish I were her" or "She took my man," which -- from what I read -- is somewhat common with romantic attraction.

 

10 hours ago, confusedscaredahhh said:

When he first suggested making out I think I went "oh god!" and felt terrified. He later just kissed me and it was physically nice but emotionally I felt nothing... just awkward. No butterflies, no amazing feelings... just super awkward.

This may not have any bearing on your romantic orientation -- maybe more to do with asexuality. I've never had a kiss, but I know from doing "what if" scenarios in my head that I wouldn't enjoy it at all -- just really wet and slobbery. I can imagine the part where we lean in, but the scene immediately cuts to the moment after when we're just sitting side by side again, and I'm a bag of nerves.

 

10 hours ago, confusedscaredahhh said:

if it's actual dislike of romance and aromanticism

Two things:

1. "Romance" as a cultural construct is different from one's romantic orientation and desiring romantic relationship. This thread I've found to be helpful in thinking about these concepts.
2. Romanticism/aromanticism isn't binary. They exist along a spectrum. You could be at either end of the spectrum or somewhere in the middle (gray-romanticism). Even along different points of the spectrum, different people have different experiences. It's also okay to change your label at a later time when you decide that a different label better describes your experience. You might find this thread helpful, too.

I understand how frustrating it is. I've suspected my asexuality since I was 14, but I kept trying to convince myself that I was straight for the next 9 years. Some of the most frustrating times of my life -- trying to fit myself into this box when every part of myself was leaking out of the edges. When I finally realized, I was like God, WHY??? But ultimately, one has to find the things that make oneself happy. Accepting this part of myself has made me feel much less anxious and more confident, no longer like I'm chasing after this thing on a perpetual treadmill. 

 

I hope that you will find a relationship that works for you, and that you find the peace with yourself.  

[rebis]

16 hours ago, confusedscaredahhh said:

Now for the really bad part... I'm 28 now and that's the most I have. 

 

I have this feeling that's calmer and less desperate than the others when I'm wracking my brain that I'm in denial and lying to myself and I'm just desperate to be normal and I only tell myself I want this stuff because society says I do. But I keep fighting and begging my friends and my therapist and strangers on the Internet to find me a way out of this. Please let it not be true. Please don't let me be incapable of these feelings. I keep dating, I keep dreaming about my fictional husband. I keep sobbing and losing my mind. If I manage to feel capable of a relationship it calms me for a bit and then the doubt throws it self back at me. I can get myself to believe that if I keep trying and keep dating MAYBE I can get it but... I keep going back to doubt and sadness.

 

Am I lying to myself? Am I lying to the people I try to date? Do I just have to cope and accept and find some way to live with this?

 

Sorry for the novel, I know this is ridiculous, I know no one cares, I know I'm obsessed, I know I'm sick. But I'm in so much pain and I keep searching for my peace and my answers and... some way to experience these beautiful things.

 

 

 

Hi! Welcome to AVEN, and apologies for the heavy editing, there! I did read your entire post, and I honestly sympathize. The bolded is the only part where I felt like, "let me stop you there..." for a moment. Don't be down on yourself for your experience at 28. We are all on our own timeframe. I know it can be very frustrating, because your timeline does seem different than what the majority seem to be experiencing, or at least what people talk about.

 

It isn't bad that you haven't done more than that, though. I think if you'd really wanted to, you would have. So, it's not bad if you don't do things you don't want to, right?

 

So yeah, I don't know you, have not met you in real life and have only this post to go by, but as best as I can tell, no -- it does not seem like you are lying to yourself, or people you try to date. You are, and I mean this absolutely as a compliment, if anything agonizingly honest. You wouldn't be experiencing anxiety and depression over it if you were lying. The whole point of lying is that it makes things easier by suggesting the falsehood that fits the situation, rather than the truth. You're not going with any falsehoods. All your experiences have been from the heart, yes?

 

Anxiety and depression themselves tend to complicate sexuality and relationships quite a bit, as I'm sure you are already aware.

 

Here's the thing: You're not incapable of these feelings, because you are having these feelings. I mean ...

 

Quote

. Someone who is my default person to do stuff with, someone to snuggle on the couch with and take vacations with. Someone to actually find me beautiful and think even my chest and implants after my double mastectomy are beautiful. Someone I connect with deeply emotionally and trust enough to try sex (and please God enjoy it!!). Someone to build a life with and have babies with.

 

That does not sound bad at all, and I can't see any reason you shouldn't want that. I mean, not everyone needs to, but if you do -- it's not like you're describing a life as a world-famous artist who is addicted to heroin. Just saying, I would wonder why someone might aspire to that life. The kind of partnership you're describing does not sound strange or bad in any way.

 

So, you haven't found it, yet. Back to where I wanted to stop you earlier, with the bolded part. I realize that 28 does not feel very young from your perspective. But I'm 49, and from my perspective, I'm like -- you have time to figure things out. Lots of time.

 

I can't promise you'll find that partner, but your life is not all figured out and decided at 28. And the thing is, it is not all on you, to create a relationship. I mean, it can't be, and that's the part that kind of sucks. All you can do is continue being you, and continue trying to find someone who "gets" you, who you likewise "get". But it is not your fault if the suitors are not falling down by the dozens at your feet. It would be easier that way, but ... anyway, just saying, from saying hello to a first date to a first argument and onwards, a relationship has to be a two-way street, so don't blame yourself for the failings of your potential partners? You know, if none of the women or men around you have been the right person yet -- maybe it's them that need to try harder, and not you?

 

Have you considered the possibility that the idiots passing up a catch like you maybe don't deserve you anyway?

[confusedscaredahhh]

3 hours ago, steel_quill said:

Hey, no need to apologize for the long post. Sometimes, just getting everything out on (virtual or IRL) paper can be a big relief.  I know it is for me.

 

First, your life is ABSOLUTELY worth living! There's no need to feel bad just because your experience with romance is different from the "norm".

 

It's perfectly normal for people to want to be in (a) committed relationship(s) -- platonic, QPR, romantic, (plural for the polyromantics), or otherwise. I've also read accounts from aromantics that say they desire some kind of longer-term relationship. You also could be cupioromantic if you decide you're aromantic but still desire romantic relationships.

 

I read your other post about your experiences with sexual attraction/desire. From what I understand, aces can still feel "turned on" / fantasize as you described when consuming media containing sexual material -- most likely due to a biologically wired arousal reaction. Hormonal fluctuations around menstrual periods can heighten these experiences; I've read other posts that have mentioned this point. You could ask yourself whether these feelings are directed at another person?

 

Re: romantic stuff

Caveat with I also don't know my romantic orientation, so I can speak from personal experience + what I've read, but here goes.......

 

I've also experienced this. My college friends kept shipping me with this guy who lived on my floor. I didn't feel anything until they kept bringing it up, and then I was h***a nervous and anxious afterwards. Occasionally in my free time, I'd fantasize about going on dates and holding his hand -- all the stuff you see in movies. There were a couple other guys, too, who I started out as friends with, talking with them for a long time, and I never felt anything romantic until they started doing stuff that showed interest. Then, it was the entire nervous/anxious/internal freak-out episode all over again. Plus the fact that I have an overactive imagination, I immediately fast-forward in my mind to wedding + strolling on the beach during sunset + anniversary dinners + etc..... TBH after they started showing interest, I felt mildly uncomfortable. I've asking myself whether these were actually crushes for a couple years. I've decided they're not because I've never felt jealousy in all of this. When they ended up with different people, I'm just like, "Oh well, so it goes," not like, "I wish I were her" or "She took my man," which -- from what I read -- is somewhat common with romantic attraction.

 

This may not have any bearing on your romantic orientation -- maybe more to do with asexuality. I've never had a kiss, but I know from doing "what if" scenarios in my head that I wouldn't enjoy it at all -- just really wet and slobbery. I can imagine the part where we lean in, but the scene immediately cuts to the moment after when we're just sitting side by side again, and I'm a bag of nerves.

 

Two things:

1. "Romance" as a cultural construct is different from one's romantic orientation and desiring romantic relationship. This thread I've found to be helpful in thinking about these concepts.
2. Romanticism/aromanticism isn't binary. They exist along a spectrum. You could be at either end of the spectrum or somewhere in the middle (gray-romanticism). Even along different points of the spectrum, different people have different experiences. It's also okay to change your label at a later time when you decide that a different label better describes your experience. You might find this thread helpful, too.

I understand how frustrating it is. I've suspected my asexuality since I was 14, but I kept trying to convince myself that I was straight for the next 9 years. Some of the most frustrating times of my life -- trying to fit myself into this box when every part of myself was leaking out of the edges. When I finally realized, I was like God, WHY??? But ultimately, one has to find the things that make oneself happy. Accepting this part of myself has made me feel much less anxious and more confident, no longer like I'm chasing after this thing on a perpetual treadmill. 

 

I hope that you will find a relationship that works for you, and that you find the peace with yourself.  

Thank you, this is such a sweet reply! I'm on mobile and I am not sure how to quote specific sections, so I am going to vaguely refer to things you said, so sorry!

 

I do think letting it out in this post helped! Writing it out made me see more signs that I am romantic than I was conjuring while stuck in my head last night. Some things that made me more sure that my main crush was indeed a romantic crush: I did "pursue" him (by getting closer to him and interacting with him as much as possible in the hopes of something more happening), I did feel jealousy. I was happy and excited picturing us in a relationship and even with our flirting. I just don't know how much I had the physical sensations (heart pounding, butterflies, super nervousness) and I don't know if my level of obsession really hits the level people talk about with crushes either! So I freak out and am unsure if it was real. What also really triggered my aromantic freakouts is how few crushes I've had. I didn't realize how abnormal that was until I thought to look it up specifically and I've been in a tailspin of doubt and discomfort since!

 

Sexual attraction/asexuality: disclaimer here that I am still really upset at the possibility of being ace and just not experiencing this, so I am leaning hard into any potential sexual attraction I have. I think you're totally right that I was not sexually attracted to my crush and that contributed a lot to what happened that night! My thoughts and fantasies about him were never really sexual at all. And looking back he was definitely wanting the physical side of the relationship more than the romantic side... there was very little romance from him at all.

 

So the question is whether I can experience it at all and whether I ever have and that's an upsetting one! The possibility of being ace scares me for all the usual reasons: being different, the difficulties dating. I am upset at the idea of missing out on this huge world and feelings that others have. The way I see it, it's like if everyone else can do magic and lives in a magical world and I thought I could do it and didn't put much thought into if I was experiencing the same thing but then... realized I might not get magic after all. It's very upsetting.

 

But what makes me go "hmm maybe..." to answer your prompt, it does have some direction at people? Not in the way that I get aroused looking at them or get hot and bothered looking at them or being around them (that sounds amazing to me lol. Holy shit I wish I could have that much of a reaction to a person). But I have fantasized about having sex with specific people/fictional characters and gotten very aroused/excited by that. I also (sorry maybe graphic) sometimes see men in porn and their bodies make me go "yes! Him specifically!" But it's not this super strong pull or something? Just an internal "brain happy" reaction, not like the jolt to the stomach/warmth down there you get when specifically aroused by something.

 

So my hope is that there's enough there that I can have chemistry and attraction if I manage to fall in love and get comfortable with someone... I feel anxious about actually having sex but I do crave being that close to someone (as a high schooler it was specifically having a man on top that excited me! Specific ha). And I definitely do crave partnered sex specifically... especially the (graphic again maybe!) penetration part of hetero sex. I just... the drive isn't as strong as it maybe should be for an allo person, my anxiety is much more consuming, and it's ??? whether any of this actually means sexual attraction or if it would lead to being fully emotionally satisfied and aroused in actual sex!

 

I did find those threads helpful, thank you! Making the logical part of my brain lean more towards "you have experienced romantic attraction, you're probably not aro" although the anxious side is still AHHHHHHHHH DOUBT DESPAIR DISCOMFORT YOU CAN'T FALL IN LOVE.

 

I am so glad you found that confidence and calmness in your identity! Mine has, and this sounds dramatic but I feel it's true, ruined my life. I have been in constant doubt and fear around it since I was a teen (also go through intense periods of questioning if/freaking out about being gay, and a terrible period in college where I got scared I was actually a paraphilia...). Something about this part of my life is just deeply destructive and unsettled and I haven't found peace or happiness in it at all. I know it's just part of my life and not a required part, but it's the one that's consumed me and the worst struggle of my life (so much worse than the double mastectomy and the genetic health stuff that caused it and will be with me forever...)

[confusedscaredahhh]

2 hours ago, rebis said:

 

Hi! Welcome to AVEN, and apologies for the heavy editing, there! I did read your entire post, and I honestly sympathize. The bolded is the only part where I felt like, "let me stop you there..." for a moment. Don't be down on yourself for your experience at 28. We are all on our own timeframe. I know it can be very frustrating, because your timeline does seem different than what the majority seem to be experiencing, or at least what people talk about.

 

It isn't bad that you haven't done more than that, though. I think if you'd really wanted to, you would have. So, it's not bad if you don't do things you don't want to, right?

 

So yeah, I don't know you, have not met you in real life and have only this post to go by, but as best as I can tell, no -- it does not seem like you are lying to yourself, or people you try to date. You are, and I mean this absolutely as a compliment, if anything agonizing honest. You wouldn't be experiencing anxiety and depression over it if you were lying. The whole point of lying is that it makes things easier by suggesting the falsehood that fits the situation, rather than the truth. You're not going with any falsehoods. All your experiences have been from the heart, yes?

 

Anxiety and depression themselves tend to complicate sexuality and relationships quite a bit, as I'm sure you are already aware.

 

Here's the thing: You're not incapable of these feelings, because you are having these feelings. I mean ...

 

 

That does not sound bad at all, and I can't see any reason you shouldn't want that. I mean, not everyone needs to, but if you do -- it's not like you're describing a life as a world-famous artist who is addicted to heroin. Just saying, I would wonder why someone might aspire to that life. The kind of partnership you're describing does not sound strange or bad in any way.

 

So, you haven't found it, yet. Back to where I wanted to stop you earlier, with the bolded part. I realize that 28 does not feel very young from your perspective. But I'm 49, and from my perspective, I'm like -- you have time to figure things out. Lots of time.

 

I can't promise you'll find that partner, but your life is not all figured out and decided at 28. And the thing is, it is not all on you, to create a relationship. I mean, it can't be, and that's the part that kind of sucks. All you can do is continue being you, and continue trying to find someone who "gets" you, who you likewise "get". But it is not your fault if the suitors are not falling down by the dozens at your feet. It would be easier that way, but ... anyway, just saying, from saying hello to a first date to a first argument and onwards, a relationship has to be a two-way street, so don't blame yourself for the failings of your potential partners? You know, if none of the women or men around you have been the right person yet -- maybe it's them that need to try harder, and not you?

 

Have you considered the possibility that the idiots passing up a catch like you maybe don't deserve you anyway?

Thank you for an awesome reply!

 

The part that's grabbed my brain the most: "It isn't bad that you haven't done more than that, though. I think if you'd really wanted to, you would have. So, it's not bad if you don't do things you don't want to, right?"

 

I've had this thought too! Like, if it was possible and I could do it and wanted it wouldn't I have? Maybe even if I do have I don't want it ENOUGH to actually get it, you know? Most people just have this stuff happen to them because they get the feelings with people around them all the time and they pursue them and enjoy them and get it all. And here I am. The most I can offer to counter is that I am not very social and have never had a large social circle, particularly a male social circle. I also have suffered from consuming anxiety specifically around all of this since people around me started dating (I also go through very intense periods of freaking out about whether I'm gay and a really horrific period where I thought I was a paraphilia for a while...). And I had a double mastectomy which took me out of every other part of my life for about a year, two layoffs, a hellish job that about destroyed me, and the pandemic. So I haven't been set up for success... but still. Still. It should have happened! It shouldn't be this hard!

 

It feels like sex and romance are just complete universes away from me and I'm sitting here way below the speed of sound trying to reach them. And it's scary and they're scary but never reaching them is devestating. But everyone else is in Star Trek warp 10 ships going from planet to planet and living whole lives in the stars that I see glimpses of but can't imagine actually having.

 

As far as the people pursuing me... I guess? I do tend to turn down men I think are too handsome on dating apps lol... like sir what are you thinking here. I didn't even like the ones going after me in college in a friend way very much.

 

One more thing with age I have to admit... a lot of it is the realization that "oh shit! You are SUPER old to be a virgin with no relationship experience how did you not think about this or notice this? Now you're too old this is going to be impossible" but also there is a biological clock element. My ultimate dream is biological children (with a romantic partner) and due to my genetic condition I have to have my ovaries removed by age 40. So... time is very much ticking for me.

[steel_quill]

7 hours ago, confusedscaredahhh said:

What also really triggered my aromantic freakouts is how few crushes I've had. I didn't realize how abnormal that was until I thought to look it up specifically and I've been in a tailspin of doubt and discomfort since!

Comparing your own frequency of crushes to other people might not really give you a good gauge about your own romantic orientation. I have cis-het allo-sexual/romantic friends who don't really have that many crushes, either. I think one person liked exactly one guy during our college years, and one person I'm not sure really liked anyone in that way. Everyone (even the allos) has different level of romantic attraction intensity.

 

7 hours ago, confusedscaredahhh said:

And looking back he was definitely wanting the physical side of the relationship more than the romantic side... there was very little romance from him at all.

This reminded me of a (in?)famous quote from an ex of a wild party girl I knew in college: "Dating? I thought it was, like, when we were hooking up, but now it's exclusive?" 😅 Not all guys are like this, though. I know plenty who aren't. 

 

7 hours ago, confusedscaredahhh said:

I feel anxious about actually having sex but I do crave being that close to someone [...] And I definitely do crave partnered sex specifically... [...].

Maybe somewhere along the gray-sexual spectrum? There's been a lot of discussion about all the different identities that fall under the Gray-A umbrella: broadly people who experience some form of sexual desire/attraction but has a somewhat different experience from the allosexual norm.

 

7 hours ago, confusedscaredahhh said:

But what makes me go "hmm maybe..." to answer your prompt, it does have some direction at people?

^^ That was helped me figure some things out. For me, I know I'm completely asexual and most likely sex-indifferent/averse/repulsed, too. I've done thought experiments before like: imagine the most "attractive" person -- that all the conditions are right (loving, committed relationship; enough time spent together to know each other; emotionally and intellectually compatible and invested; etc......) -- and that they're in a room with alone with you.

 

(Spoiler for details.)

 

Spoiler

Now imagine them naked. NOPE. Can't do it. I can do waist-up / underwear only / lingerie. Cannot for the life of me imagine Mr./Ms./Mx. Perfect au naturel without feeling really squeamish and nervous and weird inside and immediately wanting to push the entire image out of my head. Definitely cannot imagine sex itself even if that person were theoretically perfect. By that point, my mental image usually fades to black. 

 

TL;DR -- I have zero sexual desire directed at zero people (and probably directed somewhere between 90 to 180-degrees away from that person).

 

7 hours ago, confusedscaredahhh said:

I did find those threads helpful, thank you! Making the logical part of my brain lean more towards "you have experienced romantic attraction, you're probably not aro" although the anxious side is still AHHHHHHHHH DOUBT DESPAIR DISCOMFORT YOU CAN'T FALL IN LOVE.

You're welcome for the threads.  You could be somewhere along the gray-romantic spectrum, as well. If you don't feel "in love" with your crushes but maybe it's because you two haven't formed a tight enough emotional bond yet, you could be demi-romantic. There's a lot of different identifies in the gray-romantic sphere. Also, love comes in many forms. I'm pretty sure by this point that I had fallen in love with an ace friend in high school, and I still miss her to this day, but I don't think it was romantic love. Maybe it was alterous, or queer-platonic, or a deep form of platonic, or something else. IDK -- still researching -- but that was the only time my feelings ever felt remotely "strong" at all. If I'm not aro, I'm probably some form of extremely dark-gray romantic, because I honestly don't know what romantic attraction is supposed to be, having never definitively experienced it before in my life. It should be helpful for you, knowing what romantic attraction feels like, going forward.

 

7 hours ago, confusedscaredahhh said:

Mine has, and this sounds dramatic but I feel it's true, ruined my life. I have been in constant doubt and fear around it since I was a teen (also go through intense periods of questioning if/freaking out about being gay, and a terrible period in college where I got scared I was actually a paraphilia...). Something about this part of my life is just deeply destructive and unsettled and I haven't found peace or happiness in it at all. I know it's just part of my life and not a required part, but it's the one that's consumed me and the worst struggle of my life (so much worse than the double mastectomy and the genetic health stuff that caused it and will be with me forever...)

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. RE: Your fear of not having the same experiences as the other allos in this world..... comparing oneself to others is a race to the bottom. What works for other people and makes them happy might not work for you and make you happy. Ideally, one would find someone else with whom the pair could mutually make each other happy by doing the things that work for them. I hope you'll be able to find that someone else.  

[confusedscaredahhh]

3 hours ago, steel_quill said:

Comparing your own frequency of crushes to other people might not really give you a good gauge about your own romantic orientation. I have cis-het allo-sexual/romantic friends who don't really have that many crushes, either. I think one person liked exactly one guy during our college years, and one person I'm not sure really liked anyone in that way. Everyone (even the allos) has different level of romantic attraction intensity.

 

This reminded me of a (in?)famous quote from an ex of a wild party girl I knew in college: "Dating? I thought it was, like, when we were hooking up, but now it's exclusive?" 😅 Not all guys are like this, though. I know plenty who aren't. 

 

Maybe somewhere along the gray-sexual spectrum? There's been a lot of discussion about all the different identities that fall under the Gray-A umbrella: broadly people who experience some form of sexual desire/attraction but has a somewhat different experience from the allosexual norm.

 

^^ That was helped me figure some things out. For me, I know I'm completely asexual and most likely sex-indifferent/averse/repulsed, too. I've done thought experiments before like: imagine the most "attractive" person -- that all the conditions are right (loving, committed relationship; enough time spent together to know each other; emotionally and intellectually compatible and invested; etc......) -- and that they're in a room with alone with you.

 

(Spoiler for details.)

 

  Hide contents

Now imagine them naked. NOPE. Can't do it. I can do waist-up / underwear only / lingerie. Cannot for the life of me imagine Mr./Ms./Mx. Perfect au naturel without feeling really squeamish and nervous and weird inside and immediately wanting to push the entire image out of my head. Definitely cannot imagine sex itself even if that person were theoretically perfect. By that point, my mental image usually fades to black. 

 

TL;DR -- I have zero sexual desire directed at zero people (and probably directed somewhere between 90 to 180-degrees away from that person).

 

You're welcome for the threads.  You could be somewhere along the gray-romantic spectrum, as well. If you don't feel "in love" with your crushes but maybe it's because you two haven't formed a tight enough emotional bond yet, you could be demi-romantic. There's a lot of different identifies in the gray-romantic sphere. Also, love comes in many forms. I'm pretty sure by this point that I had fallen in love with an ace friend in high school, and I still miss her to this day, but I don't think it was romantic love. Maybe it was alterous, or queer-platonic, or a deep form of platonic, or something else. IDK -- still researching -- but that was the only time my feelings ever felt remotely "strong" at all. If I'm not aro, I'm probably some form of extremely dark-gray romantic, because I honestly don't know what romantic attraction is supposed to be, having never definitively experienced it before in my life. It should be helpful for you, knowing what romantic attraction feels like, going forward.

 

I'm sorry you had to go through all of that. RE: Your fear of not having the same experiences as the other allos in this world..... comparing oneself to others is a race to the bottom. What works for other people and makes them happy might not work for you and make you happy. Ideally, one would find someone else with whom the pair could mutually make each other happy by doing the things that work for them. I hope you'll be able to find that someone else.  

It's hard to go deep into imagining the sex/romance stuff without a specific person in mind! When it's like my celebrity crush or my fictional character crush I can imagine all the things without effort and feel all happy and warm inside 😃 with my "real" crush I could definitely happily imagine romance and enjoyed fantasizing on it a lot. When I try specifically analyzing what those feelings would be like in a real situation with someone I get anxious and just picture a random guy with a vibe/look I like at least aesthetically and it's like AHHHHH. I can picture myself enjoying the sex stuff and put myself in first person fantasy but I'm more focused on the acts/how they'd feel versus the other person's body? So idk if it counts!

 

I think grey/demi fits me best but I'm like WHAT IF I'M IN DENIAL AND JUST TOTALLY ACE and I just feel no hope of feeling anything! My ultimate hope is to find my peace and stop all this freaking out and answer seeking and get to truly fully enjoy sex/romance and not have to identify on the scale at all honestly. 

 

If I really did connect with that person deeply and feel in love and trust them and desire sex and stop being so scared and uncomfortable!! ... yeah, that's something I want someday. It just feels impossible.