A word of kind advice is needed

[Thelittlestar]

Hi,

As a bit of backstory: I am in a 13 year relationship. We started dating when we were 13, long distance over the Internet - just figuring out us both being girls that we had these feelings for each other was hard to accept in the first place for us both. 
 

we’ve lived together since the end of 2018 now. My partner has always said she only feels attracted to people based on their personality, which makes sense to me. 
 

due to being rejected a lot during teenage years I have a lot of insecurities about my own looks and confidence. 
 

As teenagers we were all over each other but recently my partner told me she thinks she might be asexual. Sometimes after especially masturbation she feels grossed out and to her it is simply “an urge”. 
 

She got diagnosed with Morbus Crohn a year ago and also a few months ago started antidepressants.

 

we used to really touch each other. Lie naked together and make love on a semi-regular basis. 
 

we talked about an open or poly relationship but I cannot really imagine that for us and neither can she. 
 

i love her so much. I don’t want to expect unfair things from her when she doesn’t even want or desires those things.

 

despite logically understanding it is her sexuality I still can’t shake this feeling that maybe I am just unattractive. 
we’ve talked about this too and I just wanted to know what others have done to shake this feeling or work on this? 
 

whenever I see an ad or a video hinting to something sexual it still makes me cry. I didn’t know the grief would hit me so hard.

 

i kept thinking well her sexual drive could be impacted by depression, crohns, the meds. All not unlikely, 

 

now she came out to me and said she still sometimes feels attracted to me like that and never felt repulsed afterwards but the mood rarely comes up for her. 
 

i can’t help but feel she said that only to make me feel better. I miss this connection we truly used to have. I told her so as well.

 

does anyone have ideas on other ways to reinforce this intimacy? 
 

thank you so much in advance 

[brbdogsonfire]

It sounds like she is going through a difficult time right now, and very likely is unsure of what she identifies as. You sound like a caring girlfriend and I appreciate that sincerly. This site gets a lot of people that unfortunately don't seem to have their significant others concerns in mind when asking similiar questions.

 

No matter what anyone here says we are only able to respond to what you have told us, and the best option will always be to try and facilitate an open discussion with your partner which is difficult for many people to do. So take everything with a grain of salt as non of us are perfect or trully understand your situation.

 

I am a sexual who has been with an asexual for a decade now. She is the light of my life, and the best person i know in this world. I assume you feel similar for your partner or you would be supportive. We have found ways to keep each other both satisfied without either feeling neglected or like either is taking to much. Whatever balance works for us will not work for many people. We also seem to be a rare example of making a mixed relationship work without being open.

 

You asked about intimacy so I will tell you about intimacy and how we deal with it. I do consider intimacy and sexual activity to be different though and want to be upfront about it. When we started dating she had been told by many people that any physical closeness would cause me to push for sex. We were both shy and young and both of us really were bad at communicating with the other.  We often misunderstood each other because of what we had learned from others in our life. 

 

The truth is i was able to get my intimate needs met is by removing any expectation of it turning sexual by being straight forward with her. We have discussed and agreed that cuddling, taking showers, or giving each other massages would not lead to me pushing for sexual activity. In addition I made sure she was well aware if she ever decides to stop all sexual activity that I would stay just as loyal and be at her side. I have worked to remove all pressure on her in these ways. Removing that pressure has helped the intimate side of our relationship so much, and I have found it is the closeness I need so much more than any sexual activities. 

 

It has also helped her be comfortable with sexual activity, but I also think this is rare for asexuals, and you shouldn't expect her to be ok with it long term without discussing in a non pressured way how she feels. She very well may take a long time to figure herself out. Please be as supportive to her then as you are being now.

 

 

[uhtred]

Some antidepressants can kill some peopel's sex drives. It might be worth investigating a medical cause.