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How can I help my girlfriend relax without alcohol?


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this is my first post on AVEN, and English is not my first language. So let me know if I make mistakes or whatever makes you uncomfortable.

 

we are a lesbian couple, and my girlfriend is gray-asexual. We already had a few pleasant experiences with sex, but recently I realized she had some trouble having fun during sex without drinking. Both of us don't have alcohol problems, and we rarely drink, but she told me it's hard to feel sexually comfortable without alcohol. 

 

We agreed we still want more sexual experience, and I want her to feel safer and more free about sex. How can I help her? I think drinking can't be the answer anymore. is there anything I can do for her?     

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Mountain House

Yes. Stop initiating sex. Stop expecting sex. Stop bringing up sex in conversation for a while. Let her Initiate. Let her set the schedule. Let her bring it up. 

 

Let her know you are comfortable waiting until she's comfortable, even if it's never.

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brbdogsonfire

I'm a sexual dating an asexual. The only thing that has gotten my partner comfortable with sex is removing all pressure from the situation. I have made sure she is aware that if all sexual activity stop our relationship would continue. We now only do things on her schedule and when she initiates. It has helped us tremendously. 

 

Your results very well may vary and you shouldn't consider either of you at fault for that. 

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Mountain House

Another thought: I made the assumption that she was medicating to do something she wasn't really wanting to do.

 

Are you sure it isn't just a part of her context? Is it really a problem? 

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23 hours ago, BigBlue said:

this is my first post on AVEN, and English is not my first language. So let me know if I make mistakes or whatever makes you uncomfortable.

 

we are a lesbian couple, and my girlfriend is gray-asexual. We already had a few pleasant experiences with sex, but recently I realized she had some trouble having fun during sex without drinking. Both of us don't have alcohol problems, and we rarely drink, but she told me it's hard to feel sexually comfortable without alcohol. 

 

We agreed we still want more sexual experience, and I want her to feel safer and more free about sex. How can I help her? I think drinking can't be the answer anymore. is there anything I can do for her?     

Stop trying to fix her.  

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brbdogsonfire
On 5/12/2022 at 11:06 PM, BigBlue said:

this is my first post on AVEN, and English is not my first language. So let me know if I make mistakes or whatever makes you uncomfortable.

 

we are a lesbian couple, and my girlfriend is gray-asexual. We already had a few pleasant experiences with sex, but recently I realized she had some trouble having fun during sex without drinking. Both of us don't have alcohol problems, and we rarely drink, but she told me it's hard to feel sexually comfortable without alcohol. 

 

We agreed we still want more sexual experience, and I want her to feel safer and more free about sex. How can I help her? I think drinking can't be the answer anymore. is there anything I can do for her?     

You are not a bad person for trying to help your partner not feel like they need to be drunk. People can get mad at me if they'd like, but shouldn't towards you here. I'm educated to be an addiction counselor and I'll gladly defend this position. 

 

The truth with addiction is it takes over your life in slow and non obvious ways. It is easy to find activities you enjoy while under the influence of any drug and use that to rationalize more usage. I think it is admirable that you are trying to help your partner not think they need to drink in order to enjoy themselves. If they enjoy their time while drunk but not while sober it's likely a personal hang up due to social pressure or religious upbringing that alcohol can help someone ignore. Long term it is much healthier to identify the source of this anxiety than to mask it with an addiction. 

 

 

 

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EmeraldIce
On 5/13/2022 at 1:53 PM, Mountain House said:

Yes. Stop initiating sex. Stop expecting sex. Stop bringing up sex in conversation for a while. Let her Initiate. Let her set the schedule. Let her bring it up. 

 

Let her know you are comfortable waiting until she's comfortable, even if it's never.

As a married asexual, I disagree. If trying to conceive wasn't a factor, I would never think to initiate sex because it simply isn't something I need. Why should this responsibility fall on my shoulders anyway? If sex is something that he needs in order to feel happy in the marriage, then that is something that he needs to communicate with me. And if I feel uncomfortable with it on certain occasions, it's my responsibility to let him know so that he doesn't pressure me further. Each person should advocate for their own needs and let the other person decide whether or not to accept.

 

A healthy couple should be open with communicating needs. As far as the original question goes, there needs to be an in-depth discussion about why she felt uncomfortable to begin with. It's not always about the asexuality. It could also be a result of upbringing, self prejudice, past trauma, etc. etc. You need to talk about these factors and understand from her how you can help her overcome it. Sometimes she might not even feel the need to overcome it. Needing alcohol to feel comfortable during sex can be something as innocuous as alcohol helping her not be as self-conscious as she might otherwise be. Don't get me wrong, it could also be a sign of something more serious, but what I'm saying is that I don't think it's necessary to jump to conclusions. Communication is the key!

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21 hours ago, EmeraldIce said:

You need to talk about these factors and understand from her how you can help her overcome it. Sometimes she might not even feel the need to overcome it.  

Those two sentences are somewhat contradictory.  You're basically saying he should assume she wants him to help her overcome it, but then saying that maybe she doesn't need to.  The order should be switched -- first he should ask her how she feels about it, whether she feels the need.  IF she does feel that need, then ask how he can help.  

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everywhere and nowhere
On 5/15/2022 at 5:38 AM, EmeraldIce said:

Needing alcohol to feel comfortable during sex can be something as innocuous as alcohol helping her not be as self-conscious as she might otherwise be.

I would say that it's always at least potentially problematic - usually a sign of a problem and/or something which can lead to problematic patterns of drinking.

I personally consume no alcohol at all because I intensely hate the taste and don't want to experience this kind of mental alteration, so drinking for the taste is... something I know of, but completely alien to me. But I think we can agree that alcohol is a very harmful drug. Consumed in moderate amounts it may be relatively innocent, some even say that a glass of red wine with dinner helps prevent heart disease (although I personally don't believe it and consider it more likely a medical myth which is sometimes even used to justify much harder drinking). Anyway, what I understand as "moderate drinking" does not include getting drunk. Sure, even I don't think that getting tipsy once or twice a year will exterminate your brain cells ;) - but getting even a little drunk regularly is a harmful thing and will have a cumulative effect in the long run. So basically, I believe that using alcohol to deal with something which feel uncomfortable to you is always risky, always an invitation for trouble, and always a pattern which one should try to abandon as soon as it is recognised.

So if someone needs alcohol to be able to have sex... first they need to break this pattern, and then decide what to do further: first of all to work through the problems they might have, for which alcohol was their "home remedy", so that they can eliminate the reason for these problems. But giving up sex is a legitimate choice too, particularly if one is asexual or asexual-ish and does not feel a need for sex, only a sense that this is something one "should" do.

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Lysandre, the Star-Crossed

I can somewhat relate @BigBlue, I feel the same way about sex in certain contexts. The disinhibition from drinking definitely improves my sex life as long as I'm not to the point where I'm stumbling around the room or too drunk to get it up. I think I'm far more comfortable initiating and trying new things when I've had a beer or two beforehand, but that's something I have to weigh against the likelihood of me making regrettable decisions while participating. That being said, I don't need to drink for sexual reasons.

 

I think if your partner is relying on drinking for sexual reasons, I'd assume that means she's using it to medicate past a hangup. In my personal experience, drinking as part of preparing for something means that the issue was either inhibition or overstimulation. If you and her are willing to experiment, I'd encourage you to try to explore removing certain stimuli or senses from the situation to see if maybe that's why she feels like drinking is something she needs to go through with it. Maybe she's just overstimulated and it's uncomfortable without something to deaden the sensory "white noise" a bit.

 

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