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Hi, I'm terrified.


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katastrophe

After consuming what must have been decades worth of Ace coming out videos, speeches, podcasts, and twitter threads, here I am. And, to be honest, I'm terrified. I wish I could just be confident in embracing this new label (maybe?), and just type a nice, happy introduction, but it wouldn't be honest to myself... So here I go.

 

If this thread isn't the place for long-winded, emotional life story dumping, I apologize! I just don't know where to put all of these thoughts. Please tell me if I'm violating the rules, I want to be respectful to this community! 

 

When I first heard about asexuality (thanks, internet! Thanks, tumblr-screenshots on all the major social medias!), I though "yeah" and moved on. I must have been about 14 or 15? During this time, I learned a lot about the LGBTQIA+ community, because my closest friend came out as pansexual. Which is not exactly well known in smalltown Germany, so I wanted to be the best ally I could be. Also, the friends I made by posting my drawings online opened my eyes to all sorts of identities - hunting down the meanings of flags and symbols in bios was almost like a minigame to me, and the reward was a better understanding of the people close to me. Nice! Awesome! Sure hope this doesn't awaken anything inside of me!

For a couple of years,  I carried on, like I always had: School, internet, drawing. Watching YouTube. In one video, an ace person spoke from their lived experience, the typical childhood, school, crushes, and so on.

And it clicked! Have you taken an MBTI test before and gotten results that felt like they read your mind? Like that! And even then, I just—— I just though „yeah, same here. Still straight though“. Because honestly, I preferred not to think about (my) sexuality. Which, in my mind, meant there was nothing extraordinary to think about, so I must identify as heterosexual.  „Normal“, heavy quotation marks, like the rest of my family. Just a bit of a late bloomer, right?

I don’t think I’m a flower at all. Maybe a mushroom, a toadstool, that’d be epic!

 

So… sexual attraction. What the hell is it? People actually want to sleep with other people based on - looks? Mannerisms? Something they can „feel“ without interacting with the target of their attraction, ever? That didn’t truly register with me, I think. Neither fictional characters, nor celebrities, nor my classmates ever evoked THAT desire. Consuming media made for teens and Young Adults had me believing I would surely feel „inexplicably drawn“ to a handsome boy at 16 (at the very latest), the walls of my room would be covered in band posters, I’d go partying with friends until the sun rises, maybe develop superpowers, etc etc. Instead, nothing happened. (Now I realize that those things don’t happen TO you, YOU make them happen, because you WANT to.)

At 16, I had an awesome friend group. Sometimes I wonder how the hell I got so lucky, because I owe a lot to these girls: Feminism, political interest, less shame in talking about „women’s problems“, acceptance of all (queer) identities, academic ambition, feeling safe and happy during the last years of school. I just never related to them on that „deeper“ level, I never had any juicy secrets to share at sleepovers, sucked at giving relationship advice and laughing at sexual innuendos. For them, it must have been like talking to a wall when it came to these things, which eventually made them stop trying, understandably. It also meant that I was usually the last to learn about new boyfriends, breakups, love troubles. I’m embarrassed to remember my indignance over this, and the way I sulked about it sometimes. It’s simple: I couldn’t relate, I couldn’t contribute.

 

Nothing has really changed since then. I avoided examining my sexuality, because it just wasn’t part of my reality, my day-to-day, the conversations I had. Only in the media, you couldn’t skip it. Every movie addresses it in some way; in coming of age movies, it’s usually seen as FUN and the first step to ADULTHOOD, and meaningful, the climax of the story! Inevitable! Natural! The thing that makes us human! The great unifier!

I’m so sick of it. I just don’t get it. It’s so much trouble for, what, an orgasm? A short moment of excitement? I can do that on my own. I hate that as a cis woman (interested in men, I guess????), I have to make an appointment with an OB-GYN, think about in which way I want to strain my body by choosing a method of birth control, I hate to think about the body fluids, about the awkwardness that leads up to it, about the awkwardness afterwards, about constantly having to schedule, risk-assess, communicate, and expose myself, and then be expected to enjoy it.

Why are people in relationships? I thought I knew: They like each other, they care for each other, understand and admire one another, they have something in common, doing things together is better than doing them alone. They Have Sex. But as the sex-postitive side of the internet keeps telling me, it’s totally cool to have casual sex without any strings attached (as long as all involved parties are on the same page), and especially in your youth, it’s so fun and easygoing. Because „romantic relationships“ are SERIOUS. And just having casual sex is not.

So why be in a relationship at all if it’s so serious?  If you can get satisfaction outside of it? Why would it ever be worth the burdens and compromises? (Do what makes you happy! I just don't understand, but I will respect it!)

 

I’m so frustrated, so upset. I just want to understand why sex seems to be at the core of every „desirable worthwhile relationship“.

Because if I’m completely honest, I have always looked at kisses and sex as „the price to pay“ to be in a romantic relationship. As soon as I’d give in to someone’s courting (that sounds so medieval. sorry, I can’t think of a better way to say it), it’s like I signed an invisible contract with the headline „Now in a relationship: up for sex“. It’s not just an expectation, it’s necessary, healthy. Because if your partner ain’t gettin’ it from you, they will get it somewhere else! So, keep them engaged! It’s a race against the clock! Time is running out, every performance counts! Aren’t you the manic pixie dream girl, a sexually liberated women from the 21st century, the cool down-for-anything girl? Men can ONLY show their affection when they are literally inside of your body! It’s a form of self expression and communication for them! It makes them men! Keep them happy! Or they’ll leave. Plenty of fish in the sea.

And I just think: Why even try, then? What’s the point of having all these difficult conversations, the painfully open communication, where I’d have to come out (AAAAA) over and over again, re-explaining myself, rejecting advances by a person I deeply care for, over and over? Love without sex seems to be doomed, sooner or later, that’s what I’ve gathered from many posts in  forums (not even just ace ones). I honestly believe that not every committed romantic relationship must last until death do us part. There is meaning in every person you meet. But… it’s about compatibility of identities, here. Something I can’t, or really really don’t want to change (who can tell? not me), not something I’m intentionally doing/not doing. Or is it?

 

When I had my first kiss this year, with a boy I had liked for months, at the end of it I just…. I just thought „and I have to do that again? and again?“. I didn’t expect fireworks, but maybe something more than… distant disgust? Pathetic indifference?

 

Yeah, so, I’m neck-deep in an identity crisis and I am constantly disgusted at myself. I deeply wish for a world where sex isn’t a „big deal“, maybe just something that happens in the heat of the moment, but very rarely, and would still be seen as natural and good. A world in which relationships are all about going on walks together, cooking while singing together, hanging up the laundry together, seeing the sunset from a hilltop, exchanging theories and ideas about favorite movies, sending each other memes, enjoying each others company, a world in which kisses don’t suddenly „deepen“ and turn into foreplay. I just want to stop having to think about it and how I relate to it. Focus on other things.

 

Well, that got out of hand. If anyone read this: Sorry? Thank you? Thank you.

(If my words don't make sense sometimes, I apologize, I'm not a native English speaker)

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Boondocks Paradox

Hello and welcome to AVEN!! As tradition here, we welcome new members with a cake, because as some say, cake is better than sex 😆

 

Mini_chocolate_almond_cakes_with_blackbe

 

Thank you for sharing your story, and no need to apologize! A lot of members here share your experiences, myself included. If you have questions, you can explore the forum and read topics that reflect your inquiries, or post some yourself and other members would answer or join in the conversation. 😊

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You said "I’m so frustrated, so upset. I just want to understand why sex seems to be at the core of every „desirable worthwhile relationship“.

 

Sex is a vital part of *many* relationships because the majority of people are not asexual, but for asexuals in relationships with other asexuals, sex is not part of the relationship.  Its all about compatibility.  Even among sexuals, there is a huge range in the types of sexual relationships that they desire, and there can be sexual / sexual mismatches as well.  It can be as basic as one person seeing sex as a fun game, and the other seeing it as a sort of deep magical experience.

 

It will take somewhat longer to find asexual partners, but they are out there. Don't try to make a relationship work where you are not sexually compatible, its likely to end in misery.  

 

 

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Hi. Welcome! :cake:

 

:) Your post, introducing yourself, is fine. If you were asking others for feedback, asking questions about your identity, etc., then I'd move your post to another forum.

 

[a pic of three, vanilla cookies, topped with, a bit, of gray and bats, along with chocolate, cat silhouette cookies.]

 

black-cat-cookies-1565018835.jpg

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katastrophe

Wah, thanks everyone for being so kind. My anxious mind expected to get kicked out for being such a mess. 🙈

 

@Boondocks Paradox That's probably the most pretty picture of cake I've ever seen! And the colors are very ace as well. I can almost smell the flowers! Thank you so much, for your kind words also!

 

@uhtred Thank you for taking the time in spelling it out so clearly. I guess I've never looked at it as a question of compatibility. I mean, I knew that personalities need to be compatible, as well as goals, ideals, and boundaries, I just didn't factor sex into that. 😅 To me it always seemed like people who liked each other got into relationships and *somehow* made it work, without much difficulty or discussions, like they just magically were on the same page? Weird, doesn't really make sense typing it out now. Thank you!

 

@LeChat I'm relieved to hear the post is fine, now that I look at it, I really, really came in here with a head on fire...  The cookies are so cute!! Bats AND cats, how awesome!

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J. van Deijck

That was a long read, but it's good. Welcome here, enjoy your stay and greetings from the neighbour country ^_^ :cake:

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4 hours ago, katastrophe said:

...I'm relieved to hear the post is fine, now that I look at it, I really, really came in here with a head on fire...  The cookies are so cute!! Bats AND cats, how awesome!...

You're welcome!

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9 hours ago, katastrophe said:

Wah, thanks everyone for being so kind. My anxious mind expected to get kicked out for being such a mess. 🙈

 

@Boondocks Paradox That's probably the most pretty picture of cake I've ever seen! And the colors are very ace as well. I can almost smell the flowers! Thank you so much, for your kind words also!

 

@uhtred Thank you for taking the time in spelling it out so clearly. I guess I've never looked at it as a question of compatibility. I mean, I knew that personalities need to be compatible, as well as goals, ideals, and boundaries, I just didn't factor sex into that. 😅 To me it always seemed like people who liked each other got into relationships and *somehow* made it work, without much difficulty or discussions, like they just magically were on the same page? Weird, doesn't really make sense typing it out now. Thank you!

 

@LeChat I'm relieved to hear the post is fine, now that I look at it, I really, really came in here with a head on fire...  The cookies are so cute!! Bats AND cats, how awesome!

Hello Kataastrophe

I think there are a lot of "hidden" compatibility issues.  Sex is a big one - its difficult to discuss in advance, and sometimes even in person - but there is a lot of variation in people's sexuality and for each its pretty unchangeable.  Things like attitudes toward money can also be a big issue - for some people financial success is important, for others, just the necessities are enough.  Lots of other ones as well.

 

I think its important to look for incompatibilities early in a realtionship, and recognize that there is nothing wrong with ending a relationship due to these issues - its not a problem with either person.

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steel_quill

Hello, @katastrophe! Welcome to AVEN! 🍰

 

I had a similar experience as you: first started suspecting that I was asexual when I was 14, and then tried to convince myself that I was straight for the next 9 years. Not very fun.

 

Thank you for sharing your story. :) 

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TheSmolFoxWeeb

Hi welcome to aven 🍰 

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Welcome! It sounds like you really needed to get that off your chest, it can be really confusing and frustrating to figure everything out and a lot of stuff doesn’t make sense, but don’t be so hard on yourself because you don’t fit into what’s “normal”. No one is truly “normal” that would be ridiculous, the average person has 1.99 legs yet you don’t see 1.99 legs on every person, normal is just whatever is common and even that varies greatly wherever you are. Instead of trying to be what’s “normal” or what’s “expected of you” try doing what you want to do, and just aim to be the best version of yourself you can be. Don’t force yourself to do stuff you don’t want to,  focus on figuring out what you want and feeling more comfortable setting boundaries. 

chocolate-chocolate+cake.jpg

P.s. You’re not a native English speaker yet you wrote the entire thing in perfect English? Don’t apologise and instead have some confidence in your ability. 

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