Confused, stressed and sad, I guess? Relationship yes,no? I dunno..

[Itto]

Firstly, sorry for the title. I couldn't come up with a good one.

 

It's going to be more of a rant/advice seeking/someone else too? kind of topic.

 

I've been questioning my romantic orientation for quite a while now. I really struggle with it. I'm not sure if I ever experienced romantic attraction or not. I went from biro to panro, heteroromo, gay,back to biro, aro and now it's just confused.

 

I'm ace, obviously. I think I experienced feelings that some others would classify as romantic orientation but the last time I had such feelings was in 2017. It's been a while. After that I haven't had those feelings. I thought I might be aro, but I think I'm somehow still capable of feeling like that? I don't know.  

 

On one side, I want a relationship so much. But I also don't. In relationships I started feeling trapped after a while. I felt as if I have to tell my partner everything I do at any time. That I need to be available at all times. That my life NEEDs to play around them. But I also want someone who loves me for who I am and with whom I can talk about stuff that stressed me etc. 

I don't want that traditional kind of relationship. I don't want kids, I don't want to move in. I don't want to spend more than half of the week with them.

No idea if you even can call that a romantic relationship then.

 

I also have no clue who I'm romantically attracted to. I can't imagine spending my life with anyone. In my dream future there isn't a partner. But why do I want one? Even tho I also don't want. Why do I get so sad that I don't have things I don't even want to have??

 

[UsiresAedon]

I know the term "romantic relationship" can mean a lot of things to a lot of different people, but to me it means a sort of mutual respect/understanding between two souls. In my view if two people want to only hang out together just once or twice a week, casually getting to know one another, that type of relationship can be just as "romantic" as a relationship where two people spend 24/7 together. Honestly, there should be no shame in having certain wants/expectations/boundaries in romantic relationships. And there definitely shouldn't be some universal standard that defines your relationships. Relationships are personal and unique; they should be as unique as the individuals that form them.

With all of that in mind, I think it is perfectly okay to have one foot on the gas and another on the brake. Human beings have an innate desire to be with other humans. Forming social and romantic relationships is a survival mechanism leftover from our more primitive hunter/gatherer days. It's hardwired into our DNA. So while I believe everyone has different wants and needs with regards to relationships (especially romantic ones), I also believe that everyone wants to experience some form of connection with others.

But the important thing is to take as much time as you need and get to know yourself. This is easier said than done, but it is very important. This doesn't necessarily mean you need to know everything there is to know about who you are. But it is important to at least have a foundational understanding of your wants, needs, and expectations. The bottom line, though, is to understand that it is perfectly okay to not have the answers right away. Think of it as a journey and not as a destination. I am in my 30's now and I still haven't figured it all out. But I've learned recently that it is okay (and even healthy) to trust myself even in times of uncertainty. I suspect that most people (even allos) don't have all the answers to their questions about romance.

Hope this helps, and best of luck to you!

[uhtred]

There are a wide variety of relationships.  Just as a couple needs to be sexually compatible to be happy, they need to have compatible ideas about what a realtonship is like.  Some people want to be together 24/7 and as you say, tell each other everything, but others are happy with a more casual  relationship.

 

 

[gndrqrd]

I feel similarly. Recently, I've been looking more into relationship anarchy and that's been very insightful.

[Itto]

1 hour ago, gndrqrd said:

I feel similarly. Recently, I've been looking more into relationship anarchy and that's been very insightful.

I did took a look at that too. I think a couple month ago. I really like the concept. I just think it's a bit hard to implement that concept when the partner doesn't share the same view on that.

 

1 hour ago, uhtred said:

There are a wide variety of relationships.  Just as a couple needs to be sexually compatible to be happy, they need to have compatible ideas about what a realtonship is like.  Some people want to be together 24/7 and as you say, tell each other everything, but others are happy with a more casual  relationship.

 

 

True. I've never met someone who's idea of a relationship matches mine tho ^^

3 hours ago, UsiresAedon said:

[...]
But the important thing is to take as much time as you need and get to know yourself. This is easier said than done, but it is very important. This doesn't necessarily mean you need to know everything there is to know about who you are. But it is important to at least have a foundational understanding of your wants, needs, and expectations. The bottom line, though, is to understand that it is perfectly okay to not have the answers right away. Think of it as a journey and not as a destination. I am in my 30's now and I still haven't figured it all out. But I've learned recently that it is okay (and even healthy) to trust myself even in times of uncertainty. I suspect that most people (even allos) don't have all the answers to their questions about romance.

Hope this helps, and best of luck to you!

You're right. I think it's important that I figure out some stuff before entering a situation that doesn't suit my needs, boundaries etc. It wouldn't be fair to a partner to waste their time when I might already know we're not compatible. I've never learned that I was allowed to voice my needs and expectations or to set boundaries for myself. It's time I finally learn it, I guess.

[Guest]

11 hours ago, Itto said:

I think I experienced feelings that some others would classify as romantic orientation but the last time I had such feelings was in 2017. It's been a while

my personal experience is that I didn't feel romantic attraction from 23-32. lol. Then, I felt romantic attraction this year. 

 

although, I identified my feelings as squishes during that period of time, and who knows it's possible I was misclassifying, a few people, namely two. It might have been romantic, but at the time, I didn't feel it was strong feelings of romance, I felt it was a moderate feeling of platonic interest.

 

How often have you felt plausably romantic interest in others? a friend of mine identifies that they felt sexual attraction once and never again, so it's legit to go, "well I haven't felt it for five years so."

 

But like, I didn't really feel strong feelings of attraction for 10. lol at me! At least I know for sure that I do feel romantic attraction now. It was closure I didn't have before. 

 

it's really confusing because people say an aromantic person can partner up in a platonic partnered relationship. So what is the difference between that and romance, eh?

 

IDK really. All I know is, I felt an urge to kiss this person, and felt strong feelings of attraction for them, limerance. A squish can be limerence though. So you kind of need to identify, "are these feelings romantic or platonic?" And I don't really have much advice as to how to do that. 

[Guest]

oh, the reason I discounted my attraction that I experienced at 19-22, was that I wanted physical connection. I wanted to kiss and touch. I was like, "oh that's sensual attraction"

 

but I recently asked if my feelings for this person were sensual or romantic, and someone who feels sensual attraction said, "I don't feel a desire to kiss, no. And I don't want to touch their thigh in particular." (which I did feel) 

 

so IDK. The thing that made my attraction to this person romantic for me, is just this strong desire of limerance. And further, a desire to become attached to them as a partner. 

[Itto]

13 hours ago, Burgundy Ashe said:

 

 

How often have you felt plausably romantic interest in others? a friend of mine identifies that they felt sexual attraction once and never again, so it's legit to go, "well I haven't felt it for five years so."

 

 

Well if I count my crushes I had when I was a teenager then probably around 2 or 3 times. One time of those I'm not quite sure if it actually was romantic interest/attraction or a developing co-dependency and obsession that slowly formed and I confused it with romantic attraction?. My last relationship that ended in 2017 was  unhealthy. At first everything was normal but after a couple of months he started becoming super jealous, obsessive, possessive and kinda manipulating. I started adopting that behavior. 

I was feeling really lonely at that time and it felt good to have someone that gives you so much attention. But I can't really tell if it was romantic attraction and romantic love in the end. 

 

And well. After 2017 there were like 2-3 situation where it felt like what people describe as a crush but it faded away very quickly.

[Guest]

I do not know, but two things I think about are that romantic attraction can feel like obsession, and that when I felt romantic attraction this year it was strong for a few days but due to a lack of interest on her side, I lost interest pretty quickly. I knew I liked her, but I didn't feel strong attraction anymore. I tried reaching out to her and she did not reciprocate that interest, and ultimately I decided that if she's not showing interest in me then a romantic connection isn't going to happen. After that point, I just don't feel attracted to her any more. 

 

but these two thoughts are anecdotes, I don't know how true or accurate to attraction they may be. 

 

there was a time within the past year also, where I thought that I was experiencing intrusive romantic thoughts, but now I doubt that they were not associated with romantic interest. The thoughts were along the line of "Wow I should date this person." Now I feel like, if I had these thoughts, I would assume I was feeling romantic attraction. 

 

again, this is anecdotal though. So take it as you will. 

[sneakerhead]

I also feel like I'm straddling the line between wanting a relationship and not wanting one. I think in my case though, it's more of a desire to start a family. And not a traditional one, with 2 kids, a house, a yard and all that. More like I want someone (or rather several someones) who will be there for me when shit hits the fan and that I get along with really well. Basically, an awesome best friend who I can call family.

 

If you had asked me five years ago if I ever wanted to get married, I would've said hell no. Now, I'm not so sure..